HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on ...part 8

[Izzie595]

Nobody understands the fully devastating impact of the ending of a marriage unless and until they experience it themselves

Welcome to Hobbit's Bar. Thread number 8.

The previous thread has been filled in less than a fortnight. Therefore, I've included below the post I did for Thread number 7. Links to all the threads in this series are below.
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This is the place where we meet to let it all out, to share experiences, to get support, and maybe give support if and when we feel able. And also to sometimes have a good laugh about things, because Hell, we've earned the right to laugh!

The bar is owned by Hobbit. She is adorable, kind, and bonkers. And lazy. So we take turns in running the bar for her ladyship.

I'm the latest proprietor of the bar. Izzie Age 54. Married 30 years. Two young adult sons living with me. Husband left to live with OW on Halloween last year. Very appropriate! No moves towards divorce or financial settlement at present. I started posting my own stuff on MN at the start of the year. Best thing I ever did. Well, I've had better successes in life, but you get my point, yes? I've been through the whole range of emotions, backwards, forwards, round and round: It's not a linear process by any means. And it does seem common to have a huge crash at 4 to 6 months in. Today I'm meh. Mostly.

There are a range of experiences in the Bar, generally at any one time. Examples: the early stages of separation; negotiating; legal matters; abuse in all forms; feeling stronger; having a major crash again; dealing with fuckwittery from the exes; financial worries; issues involving both young and adult children; moving towards the Mecca that is "meh". Basically, the whole works. Believe me, whatever you are currently experiencing, you are not alone.

My advice to any newbies: just jump in, but if you have the time and inclination, try reading all of the threads. You will see real women experiencing their bleakest moments, their progress, their dips, their innermost thoughts.

Rules of The Bar

1. Don't ask to join just come in
2. The phrase Party Pooper is banned. We may be having a good old giggle sometimes but someone in need must interrupt whatever is going on. We can't all be in sync, but someone in need ALWAYS takes priority
3. You are not obliged to give advice, reply to any posts, there are no expectations of you. Take what you want from the thread.

And just to ease you in, here are a few things you may wish to know:

1. An Izzietini is the bar drink.
2. A number 6 refers to rule number 6 in Hobbit's Twunts list. Reasons why they do things. Because they are....... Erm, no, the answer is not "misguided"
3. Mother, WellWhoKnew or WWK. Recently divorced, previous proprietor of the Bar and a legend of MN to those who followed her own threads. Also a legend on here for her straightforward advice. And keeps us in order.
4. Some of the posters also have their own threads. I hope they will do a link for you
5. There's a bad case of exclamationitis on here. Occurs when trying to put in a comma on ipad, but it auto corrects to an exclamation mark. So if you post and get a dodgy comment back, eg "Have you thought about counselling! sounds like you need help!".....please believe us that we are not sarky cows. Because the rule of exclamationitis is that we only spot it after we have posted!
6. Our sayings are "Shit, this is hard" and "KOKO", keep on keeping on
7. Our theme tune, to keep us going, is below

At the beginning of this year Fontella posted this on the first thread:

"Can I just say as more of a reader rather than a participant on this thread (I got shot of my lying, conniving, controlling ex 10 years ago) that this is fast turning into my favourite thread. Lots of powerful, courageous and funny (in a good way) women all coming together and supporting each other through an incredibly painful time. You are all fabulous!"

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Part 7

Hi what no experience of this but what is it with men leaving families to be with OW with mental health problems?

Re sol, good idea to make list of questions. I found (with hindsight) a lot of mine irrelevant, and it was soooo easy to waste time (and money) just talking about the unfairness/affect on the DC etc, which means nothing in the scheme of things. It's pure hard fact they deal with (unfortunately)

I took in a list of assets, details of where you/he/DC are planning to live etc
The sol needs your marriage certificate to start the actual divorce

The more you can acquaint yourself with the divorce/finance process (lots of help online) beforehand, the less time your sol will take in explaining it to you

Oh and this sounds a bit odd but don't get comfy at the solicitors. It's really easy to sit back in your seat and discuss the impact on the DC. I did (I still do )- I thought he should know about the ADs they were on and one was being seen by CAMMHS. Before I knew it he was sitting back in his seat and talking about the effect divorce has on DC etc.

Hate to say it but this is irrelevant in the scheme of things. Rant about all that on here or to your friends and stick to the basics with the sol.

Just been to the solicitors and feel reassured. Glad I went it was worth the money just to calm me down, I might be able to eat later. I didn't start any legal stuff off we've agreed to let the dust settle and I will avoid financial discussions till the pension info comes, if we can't agree then it's mediation as a next step.

Well done Braving It's best to have all the info before you start things off, and in the meantime he will be mulling over what you've said and will hopefully come around to the fact you want to get on with things

Thanks all

I tell you what I am grateful for though...not having to live with that selfish arse of a man anymore, he is her problem now and I for one cannot wait till her eyes are opened. She is such a child and plays games all the time. It's exhausting! My trump card though is all the messages he has sent me asking to come back home and how he made a massive mistake having an affair with her.

The downside of today...I've realised I've just moved on to yet another selfish man and have to end things

Bobs It's a really straightforward situation really just house equity, pensions, household contents and a few higher cost items, it should be quick and easy to sort if he's reasonable. He's in panic mode now the financial reality of his choices has hit home.

The solicitor assured me that his choice to live with her and her dc is just that and nothing to do with our settlement. Also if he tries to reduce maintenance on the basis of being financially responsible for her dc my solicitor says we can argue he isn't responsible their parents are, so that shouldn't effect me. If he has dd overnight at some point that's different but he also said no court would force her to, he'll have to wait until she's ready which may be never.

As for rings...I sold mine a long time ago...wanted to hold on to them and use the money to treat the kids to something nice, but with the financial mess he left me in, I used the money for food. Bastarding bastard!!

Anyway...trying hard to keep the chin up and keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Hello witch < sounds a bit offensive>
I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with this situation, crap dads suck balls don't they? My ex has only seen my son twice in the last 5 months, and he lives a 2 minute walk away, it pisses me off that he sees her son every day and yet can't be bothered with his own, who is son the autistic spectrum. This is for you and family and fuckit , sending you love and strength.

Off to mediation round two now, thanks for all your good wishes and pm's, you are a lovely bunch. I couldn't stay away for long, I get so much support from being on the thread, it is a lifeline for me when I'm feeling low or stressed, be back later to update you on how I got on, xx

What If your ex has another child that's his biological that is different and maintenance can be reduced but I'm sure someone told me only be 10%.

Hobbit Good luck x

what there is no "typical" outcome re division of assets. It all starts off as 50/50 and is adjusted to suit needs of both parties (oh god I'm sounding like a pro!!!!!! )

What has to be taken into consideration is the needs of both parties moving forward which is matched up to their income. So if you draw up a reasonable needs form showing a deficit after all your income including benefits, maintenance etc, is taken into account, and he does similarly and has money left over (a surplus), then you claim spousal (which helps pay the mortgage/rent) or a larger share of the assets.

There's lots of ifs and buts - eg a friend of mine has part of her DD's maintenance paid as a mortgage payment.

Basically once you know all assets and needs then your sol can come up with a plan. You can also feed the figures in the wikivorce calculator to get a very rough idea. And check out here - Section 25 of the MCA to get an idea of what is taken into account

what In my case incomes are similar so I'm hoping to avoid getting to a detailed level on the finances. To be honest I don't want to know about his current expenditure and don't want to see his bank statements. If you're looking at him paying money over and above maintenance for dc then you will need to.

Child maintenance is a set percentage of his gross income. There is a calculator online if you know what the income is. This is adjusted depending on nights spent with him

What I've been advised an equity split should be between 20/80 and 70/30 in my favour as I'll be providing dd's main home. Pensions should be equalised. However one can be offset against the other and negotiated. It's complicated.

Thanks hobbit...and you are so right...they suck hairy cheesy balls

Here we go again, got an email about a minor bill. Horror of horrors they had only sent the invoice to me, not him too, and I paid I'm myself!!! Oh dear, he's spent ages trying to reconcile it all. Fucking twat. Again he says it would be easier if I just left him to pay these bills, although probably I was only trying to be helpful. I couldn't give a damn really, he's left me with a mountain of work since he left but he wants the glory of paying the bill so he looks like the one in control. Oh fuck off! Again, there are a number of replies I could have sent, some reasonable. However, I just forwarded the invoice to him. I'm not engaging in any of this. He expects me to cooperate with him, but it only works one way. So, no point in communicating with him, is there? It's his birthday tomorrow. And despite being advised to maintain a friendly veneer, I can't bring myself to do it. I'm going to ignore it. He's not my friend, he's not a relative, and he's not my husband. And more importantly, he doesn't get to have any say in deciding what I do and what veneer of a "relationship" he has with his former wife and family.

I'm wound up, even thought the email was reasonable, albeit in a pompous way. However, I will work it off myself. This is the second time I have ignored his communication and refused to engage. And much later on, when I'm not wound up, I will be pleased I have done so.

Oh izzie he is a twat of the highest order! I'm opening the wine for you...come have a glass, I'll regale you with many tales of shame inducing shenanigans...you'll soon put twatty mctwatters to the back of your mind for a while

Izzie yup, they're all pompous bastards but at least yours might actually pay the bill lol, my twunt leaves the demanding ones for me ( not to pay ). Funny thing, I saw my solicitor earlier and with dd away atm I am actually feeling rather calm .... Holy Feck ! It's been a while .... And will no doubt be short lived once ahole realises that I'm still not planning on leaving house.
Anyway, what I wanted to say, like mentioned earlier... Do not use your solicitor for anything other than legal advice, it costs money and there are people who don't charge to listen. Know how I know that ? My solicitor told me today .... So she's a good un ! Could have let me rabbit on, no skin off her nose but I truly believe She is a gem who gave me good advice with that. She has also told me to slow down, no rush and let h do the worrying for a change. Yes he's a conniving, manipulative scum bag but his sole aim is to wind me up enough to get me out of here.... Because he's skint and can't afford another house ... So hopefully the chances of him getting dd may not be as high as I thought ( positive thinking doesn't usually sit well with me ) but I hope to get the Summer out of the way before moving further.... As long as things don't go apeshit in the meantime. Of course I need to realise that with this stance, he will come at me but if I arm myself with WA and my best buddies here I reckon I could take him, especially if he becomes homeless in 2 months. Apparently solicitor sees a change in me .... I thought , thank Christ someone has finally noticed I've dropped a few lbs but NO, apparently I am growing my own teeny tiny balls of steel. Not quite on the scale of most of you ladies .. But hey, a girls gotta start somewhere.
Dd being dropped off later for a while, no doubt he'll be late but sure let him be the twat, he's playing at being perfect Dad for a few days but my dd is coming back to me and for now that's enough.
Re: rings, again I'm a bit of an odd one, I took mine off a couple of days after. My hand doesn't look right without them but why should he know that. It's a very unusual feeling being by myself without any dc here but to be honest I think the break came at the right time and is strangely cathartic getting teen angst free time. Don't get me wrong, if he tries to keep her I'll rip his head off but for now ... As dear Izzie would say "Meh"
I hope to gather my over spilling thoughts over the next few days and try and get my shit back together, if only until the next time. But that is how we build our lives back up isn't it ? I'm just a little punch drunk at the minute but hope to be back to fighting form soon and give rather than take on here.
Kook and don't let the bastards grind you down xxx

For Izzie

Good for you ali it is evident from the way you write that you have a lot of guts and spirit. With a bit of help from WA on how to treat him and not let him get to you you are going to have MASSIVE balls on no time at all. Just remember, keep calm when you see DD as she might be spouting some of the shit he is trying to mess your head up with

And if he is late picking her up make a note of it

I will Bobs and I will remain calm too. He's actually asking now for her duvet and pillows like wtf ... But a small wtf you shameless man, go and buy your child one..... Meh, take it but make sure her washing is done before you bring her back !!!