HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on ...part 8

[Izzie595]

Nobody understands the fully devastating impact of the ending of a marriage unless and until they experience it themselves

Welcome to Hobbit's Bar. Thread number 8.

The previous thread has been filled in less than a fortnight. Therefore, I've included below the post I did for Thread number 7. Links to all the threads in this series are below.
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This is the place where we meet to let it all out, to share experiences, to get support, and maybe give support if and when we feel able. And also to sometimes have a good laugh about things, because Hell, we've earned the right to laugh!

The bar is owned by Hobbit. She is adorable, kind, and bonkers. And lazy. So we take turns in running the bar for her ladyship.

I'm the latest proprietor of the bar. Izzie Age 54. Married 30 years. Two young adult sons living with me. Husband left to live with OW on Halloween last year. Very appropriate! No moves towards divorce or financial settlement at present. I started posting my own stuff on MN at the start of the year. Best thing I ever did. Well, I've had better successes in life, but you get my point, yes? I've been through the whole range of emotions, backwards, forwards, round and round: It's not a linear process by any means. And it does seem common to have a huge crash at 4 to 6 months in. Today I'm meh. Mostly.

There are a range of experiences in the Bar, generally at any one time. Examples: the early stages of separation; negotiating; legal matters; abuse in all forms; feeling stronger; having a major crash again; dealing with fuckwittery from the exes; financial worries; issues involving both young and adult children; moving towards the Mecca that is "meh". Basically, the whole works. Believe me, whatever you are currently experiencing, you are not alone.

My advice to any newbies: just jump in, but if you have the time and inclination, try reading all of the threads. You will see real women experiencing their bleakest moments, their progress, their dips, their innermost thoughts.

Rules of The Bar

1. Don't ask to join just come in
2. The phrase Party Pooper is banned. We may be having a good old giggle sometimes but someone in need must interrupt whatever is going on. We can't all be in sync, but someone in need ALWAYS takes priority
3. You are not obliged to give advice, reply to any posts, there are no expectations of you. Take what you want from the thread.

And just to ease you in, here are a few things you may wish to know:

1. An Izzietini is the bar drink.
2. A number 6 refers to rule number 6 in Hobbit's Twunts list. Reasons why they do things. Because they are....... Erm, no, the answer is not "misguided"
3. Mother, WellWhoKnew or WWK. Recently divorced, previous proprietor of the Bar and a legend of MN to those who followed her own threads. Also a legend on here for her straightforward advice. And keeps us in order.
4. Some of the posters also have their own threads. I hope they will do a link for you
5. There's a bad case of exclamationitis on here. Occurs when trying to put in a comma on ipad, but it auto corrects to an exclamation mark. So if you post and get a dodgy comment back, eg "Have you thought about counselling! sounds like you need help!".....please believe us that we are not sarky cows. Because the rule of exclamationitis is that we only spot it after we have posted!
6. Our sayings are "Shit, this is hard" and "KOKO", keep on keeping on
7. Our theme tune, to keep us going, is below

At the beginning of this year Fontella posted this on the first thread:

"Can I just say as more of a reader rather than a participant on this thread (I got shot of my lying, conniving, controlling ex 10 years ago) that this is fast turning into my favourite thread. Lots of powerful, courageous and funny (in a good way) women all coming together and supporting each other through an incredibly painful time. You are all fabulous!"

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Part 7

Sons new girlfriend came round this afternoon, son told me at 12 she was coming at 1 looked like absolute shite the last 2 times she's been ( sons timing was great! ) so had a bath, make up on, nice jumpsuit (which looks so much better now I'm a stone lighter) DH text me at about 5 to see how we were, I said the bathroom cabinet had fallen down could he fix it when he picked the kids up next, he text back he'd call in after work, argggghhhhhh the only day I've put the mask on properly, just so my sons girlfriend doesn't think I'm Eddie fucking Munster HE decides to turn up with little notice, we went in the garden and he was "your looking a lot better etc etc" had to point out again that it's actually only 3 weeks today that he fucked off and although I've not actually died I am still feeling pretty fucking shit and will continue to do so do a long time, my God all he wants is his guilt to fuck off so he can carry on regardless, but yet he's still bleating on about his work woes like I'm still giving a flying fuck about it!!! It's that what created this mess you stupid stupid stupid tosser, I really believe that's all he cares about, no wonder he has no one, he certainly doesn't want me but I'm getting angrier and angrier like you lovely ladies said I would, tomorrow may be another day but for tonight he can fuck off to the furthest side of fuck that fuck can find mmmmmm that's a lot of fucks, sorry hobbit family

Hello everyone, the victor has returned with the spoils of war,

Tee HEE, not really, but I didn't do too badly, 70/ 30 split in my favour in the equity of the house, joint lives spousal maintenance < yes sirree> 40/60 pension share< had to give somewhere> half the joint savings , he pays the mortgage,land insurance, and £600 for bills until the house is sold next year.

He also pays my car loan off and pays this years car insurance.

Hobbit is quite pleased. Jess is ecstatic!

Joint fucking lives spousal maintenance ! That's almost unheard of nowadays I am a legend

north I like your attitude

ali you are growing in confidence and attitude all the time. Well done you!

frizzy I was in a video recently. Fucking hell, full face on, I look bloody shite. I was in a video four years previously, I look a different person. Ok the other was not so close up, but all the same.....I think part of it is also that I stopped wearing eyeliner. I read all this shit about leaving it off as you get older. Well fuck that, I'm sure it makes me look washed out. So on it's gone again. Will just have to go back to tidying make up during the day instead of knowing I didn't have to without eyeliner. A small price to pay now methinks. Oh and back on with the lipstick. I don't wear much, but I need some colour. I'm naturally pale. Less an English rose, more a fucking ghost, but it's time.

So back to you, it's good you can look so much better, even if twat features takes it the wrong way. Oh, and the work woes. Who fucking cares?? Same as me, his work will always be the OW in his life.

So, eyeliner advice needed. What's a good non liquid eyeliner that stays on without too much smudging?

Welcome to the newbies. I'm having to switch off my phone for long periods in work for the next six weeks or so, therefore I'm a bit behind with some of the stories. It takes me a while to remember the back stories. So apologies if I appear to be ignoring you

Meantime, for a number of us, including ali, it's time for the Dave Strut. Yep I still love that one.

Dave

ali super dad seems to be struggling a bit

Twunts birthday. Think I will send a text literally saying Happy Birthday. Just to confuse him. I have no idea if the kids have remembered it's his birthday.....yes I'm a bitch, what does he expect! If I was going to send a card, this would be it

Hobbit that's bloody brilliant, so pleased for you and much deserved after how he has behaved. You were already a legend.

Evening all.
ali Go you!

izzie I'm not sure who has the most pompous git of an ex?? HRT was actually at home when I got home from work today. My heart sank. I must be recovering.

DC all home for one reason or another at the moment and had a brief disagreement with DD tonight over something silly, and pompous git wades in with a load of sanctimonious twaddle about trying to remain calm. I hate him. He was in a hotel last night where as I was working til 10ish yesterday evening. Was up walking our dog at 6 a.m., out of the door at 7.30 am for work, home from work at 5.30 and out again with DS taxi service at 5.45 -with a supermarket shop thrown in for good measure. Got home at 7.30. Cooked dinner and he dares to criticise me. He was sat watching the bloody football having made himself supper!!! I've pretty much single handedly raised our children while he's pursued his career and I've done something more mundane. How dare he. How dare he become involved. I cried out of frustration at the sheer audacity that he still thinks it's his place to comment on anything I say to my children. Tosser. Sorry rant over.

hobbit hope today wasn't too awful. I think I read 'up post' that you said 'he'd' seen your DS once in five months? How can they live with themselves.

Some work to do tonight and so will catch up later.

Welcome witch by the way. I've said it before I expect, but there's obviously no good time for a father and husband to abandon their family or to be behave in such a way that their wives are forced to leave them, but I'm relieved my DC are older and more independent. I pray that hopefully HRT is beyond producing more. That must be so painful and complicated for all concerned and pity the babes involved. Some of these twunts shouldn't be allowed pets - let alone children. Catch up later xx

Hobbit

Tell us more

Was up walking our dog at 6 a.m., out of the door at 7.30 am for work, home from work at 5.30 and out again with DS taxi service at 5.45 -with a supermarket shop thrown in for good measure. Got home at 7.30. Cooked dinner

1 you lazy caaahhh

He is a tosser of the utmost. I know that cos I married his less educated twin. They can both head to the top of HRT's Grand Folly and take a jump

That's great news hobbit very pleased for you !!

izzie Birthday? No they don't deserve to get it acknowledged.. Mine had the cheek to refer to me as " other people" a few days ago ! How fucking dare he !
LOVE LOVE that card that you have!

For you Hobbit

and one more for all of them !

Happy birthday. That's all I'm going to put. Sending it as it will confuse him. I don't want him thinking I have the hump after not replying to his last missives, I'm not giving him that satisfaction. I will text him in the evening, just before I go out with a friend. Thereby letting him think most of the day that I'm not going to do so. Fucking twat. I wonder if the kids have remembered.... Bitch alert

Remember that quote of mine, something along the lines of he's turned into his father, so be grateful he's fucked off.....

On the subject of birthdays I wonder if H will remember it's his mother's 70th next week without me to remind him?

Frizzy the last sweary bit of your post made me smile, the anger will help you. You're doing great, I think most of them seem to want us to be okay because then they won't have to feel bad about it then. I hope some of it is because they care but I think some of it is because they are selfish and they just want to concentrate on themselves and what they want.

Ali you are sounding stronger which is lovely to see. He can come at you all you like as you say and obviously you would rather avoid that but if he does come at you it doesn't mean he will get anywhere. Stay put in your house, keep growing your steel balls bash him on the head with them and there will be light at the end of the tunnel.

I liked your picture quote can't think why you thought of Izzie

Witch welcome to our bar, it's rather nice here even if the circumstances are not. I am so sorry to hear about the maternity situation, I can't imagine how hard that must be. But, if he's already texted you to see if you'd have him back and how it's been a mistake with OW then it won't be a happy relationship so try not to think of him playing happy families because he clearly would rather not be there.

Green hope you have some nice Birthday surprises at the weekend and get spoiled. x

What more do you wanna know, Izzie?
Izzietinis all round tonight on me,

Even the mediator was a bit gobsmacked I think, finished the meeting early, obviously I need to run it past my bestie, but I really don't think I would get any better than that at court, and I might get a lot worse.

So, not ranting and raving, and keeping my big mouth in check has paid off for me, although it was so hard to keep my hatred in check, I did it, and played the long game.

And in the end he 'manned up'

A good mantra for dealing with twunts. Obviously this is a new departure for me. And it takes a bit of patience. But easier in the long run.

Yes, this really is me posting!

iwas hello sweetie!!

Hobbit how did he seem?

And yes playing the long game has worked. I knew you had a good case

Hobbit where's the "smashed it" Jess pic from before?

Time to dust it off again

So they've only gone and had a little girl....I hate them both so much bit god it's like a knife to the heart

Hobbit that's bloody brilliant!!!

Re the joint lives spousal - so how does that work? Is it payable till either one of you dies or you remarry? And is it paid as a percentage of his gross income or what? What happens when he retires - does he then pay you less if he is getting less in pension?

Oh so sorry Witch

Izzie I like the card! A simple Happy Birthday late in the day sounds a good idea to me. It all feels so bloody complicated sometimes doesn't it.

Well done on not engaging re the email, there's been a hell of a change in how you respond now. You know how it is going to affect you and you take your time, settle yourself back down and do what you need to do. Good on you.

1 rant away, he deserves it, what a prat! I have an image of him from that advert saying "calm down dear" while you want to tell him to shut up

Hobbit well done on standding your ground. I would ask how you managed to keep your big mouth in check but you're not Izzie so I won't take the mick.

Izzie hello back, you're being nice to me for a change so have some