HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on ...part 8

[Izzie595]

Nobody understands the fully devastating impact of the ending of a marriage unless and until they experience it themselves

Welcome to Hobbit's Bar. Thread number 8.

The previous thread has been filled in less than a fortnight. Therefore, I've included below the post I did for Thread number 7. Links to all the threads in this series are below.
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This is the place where we meet to let it all out, to share experiences, to get support, and maybe give support if and when we feel able. And also to sometimes have a good laugh about things, because Hell, we've earned the right to laugh!

The bar is owned by Hobbit. She is adorable, kind, and bonkers. And lazy. So we take turns in running the bar for her ladyship.

I'm the latest proprietor of the bar. Izzie Age 54. Married 30 years. Two young adult sons living with me. Husband left to live with OW on Halloween last year. Very appropriate! No moves towards divorce or financial settlement at present. I started posting my own stuff on MN at the start of the year. Best thing I ever did. Well, I've had better successes in life, but you get my point, yes? I've been through the whole range of emotions, backwards, forwards, round and round: It's not a linear process by any means. And it does seem common to have a huge crash at 4 to 6 months in. Today I'm meh. Mostly.

There are a range of experiences in the Bar, generally at any one time. Examples: the early stages of separation; negotiating; legal matters; abuse in all forms; feeling stronger; having a major crash again; dealing with fuckwittery from the exes; financial worries; issues involving both young and adult children; moving towards the Mecca that is "meh". Basically, the whole works. Believe me, whatever you are currently experiencing, you are not alone.

My advice to any newbies: just jump in, but if you have the time and inclination, try reading all of the threads. You will see real women experiencing their bleakest moments, their progress, their dips, their innermost thoughts.

Rules of The Bar

1. Don't ask to join just come in
2. The phrase Party Pooper is banned. We may be having a good old giggle sometimes but someone in need must interrupt whatever is going on. We can't all be in sync, but someone in need ALWAYS takes priority
3. You are not obliged to give advice, reply to any posts, there are no expectations of you. Take what you want from the thread.

And just to ease you in, here are a few things you may wish to know:

1. An Izzietini is the bar drink.
2. A number 6 refers to rule number 6 in Hobbit's Twunts list. Reasons why they do things. Because they are....... Erm, no, the answer is not "misguided"
3. Mother, WellWhoKnew or WWK. Recently divorced, previous proprietor of the Bar and a legend of MN to those who followed her own threads. Also a legend on here for her straightforward advice. And keeps us in order.
4. Some of the posters also have their own threads. I hope they will do a link for you
5. There's a bad case of exclamationitis on here. Occurs when trying to put in a comma on ipad, but it auto corrects to an exclamation mark. So if you post and get a dodgy comment back, eg "Have you thought about counselling! sounds like you need help!".....please believe us that we are not sarky cows. Because the rule of exclamationitis is that we only spot it after we have posted!
6. Our sayings are "Shit, this is hard" and "KOKO", keep on keeping on
7. Our theme tune, to keep us going, is below

At the beginning of this year Fontella posted this on the first thread:

"Can I just say as more of a reader rather than a participant on this thread (I got shot of my lying, conniving, controlling ex 10 years ago) that this is fast turning into my favourite thread. Lots of powerful, courageous and funny (in a good way) women all coming together and supporting each other through an incredibly painful time. You are all fabulous!"

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Part 7

Standing order yes I used to work for a bank

Family After years of insinuating that I haven't been pulling my weight financially (not remotely true) apparently now he recognises that I actually earn more than him despite working part time, therefore I can afford to run the house on my own and re-mortgage to buy him out.

Apparently he'll need to provide somewhere for dd to stay with him (assuming she ever wants to) and I should think about what sort of place he'll be able to afford when agreeing a settlement - like I give a damn how he and her and her offspring are housed, and if he doesn't have somewhere fit for dd she won't be going, end of.

He's sweating.

Got me thinking now so I checked it out. This from Wikipedia...

"A standing order (or a standing instruction) is an instruction a bank account holder ("the payer") gives to his or her bank to pay a set amount at regular intervals to another's ("the payee's") account. The instruction is sometimes known as a banker's order."

family nobody can understand the mind of a twunt. Because there is no logic or sense to it

Bobs yes he will have to pay child support but that's it. And as he fathers more children it will decrease.

I am going to have to take out a second mortgage but have been told to look at it as simply buying my house. The thought of him and her getting a big cheque from my hard work when he is a total failure is pretty hard to accept so I have to focus on the positives of having my own home all on my own. And the other thing is that I am determined to make the money back and continue with my career etc. This will be the financial high of his life. He really is a total idiot.

If the old terms are still applicable, as when I worked for a bank:

Any individual can set up a standing order to pay regularly into someone's account. So you could pay me each month

A direct debit is what companies do. They take money out of your account. It's set up as variable amounts, therefore if, for example your gas monthly payment goes up or down, they can still take the money without having to get a new mandate signed.

They were the terms used when I last worked for a bank, 1992

Nope, no logic or sense whatsoever. I believe that if I had offered my ex 50/50 split at our last mediation meeting he would still have to have thought about it...and thought about it More on that tomorrow when I know he will have received my sol's letter...

bobs thank you for the advice - I tried to set a deadline to meet the mediator, but you're right, ask for some child maintenance now and if he insists on pushing the mediator out another 6 weeks well ok as it's still all shared money at the moment.
family thanks for your message - well 2 lots of maintenance means less money for his children but also it would make it all seem so much of a waste ... In your case he still has to pay you for the children though, not just a contribution to what they need to live on but you are doing all the work as primary carer. H told me child costs should be split 50/50 - I said no way as I am also looking after them 12 days out of 14 as well as working and he said but that's a pleasure for you!

I asked my solicitor about his experience of these men and he said some people just like conflict. They don't care about the money (even if they get in to debt as a result), they certainly don't care about their ex-spouse or even their children. They just want to win.

There was nothing wrong with us - everything was and is wrong with him.

I LIKE THIS - familyofthree2014 - A LOT!

family I guess the one good thing in your favour is something WWK said, about the higher paid earner recovering faster after a divorce, and having the potential to get richer, whereas the lower paid earner will just get poorer in comparison (something along those lines anyway)

Oh crumb. Our twunts are so similar. If I said it should not be 50/50 because I have the children more he would just say he would have them half time but I won't allow it so it's my fault and he shouldn't be punished for my decisions to keep his children from him.

crumb you need to explain to him that child maintenance is about the only thing that is set in stone in divorce. There is an online calculator for a rough guide and there is no getting out of it - especially when the CMS get involved. what you want to avoid is missed payments that leave you financially strapped.

Bobs look forward to you heading up the next thread, which will probably be within the week judging by the last few!

Izzie very good, I would link to the song but I can't be bothered You worked in a bank did you! I flounced walked out of one the other week in a strop

iwas yes I was a banker. So was the ex. I'm not a banker anymore. He's something similar, name wise

iwas why did you flounce out?

yes family - only I was so confident that no judge would ever decide that the children should live with him that I suggested he have the children during the week and I pay him what he was planning to pay me. He quickly said he was sure we could come to an agreement. Mornings and evenings are just rush rush rush anyway trying to get off to school and work and then make dinner, support homework, catch up before bed.

crumb family it's soooo much easier to be Disney Dad

Izzie frustration! Our bank have sent out to all their customers a long list of things they have decided they need which included certified passport etc. Sid wouldn't go so I went to bank with all the information and they said Sid had to have his passport certified by a lawyer or go to the bank himself which he point blank refuses so they basically wouldn't accept our information and I lost my temper Needed it like a hole in the head.

Going to bed shortly, partly because it's late and partly because I'm still wound up about that stupid email. Him and his pompous arse tone and his obsession with record keeping. Well, it's easy to be efficient obsessive when someone else does all the other jobs you could be doing instead of keeping records. OMG a durr moment.....his father is an obsessive record keeper, seriously so. Even twunt used to complain about him. But, he really really is becoming his father. Well, I did say I would either kill him or divorce him if he turned into him. I told him that a number of times. Personally I would like to do both, just to make damn sure he's out of my life. Aaaaargh!!

But but but but but I still haven't texted or emailed anything. Well done me

iwas how annoying. Would have thought a passport would have been enough in itself, wouldn't you? It's a bit like tesco refusing to sell a pensioner alcohol because he didn't have ID. True story.

izzie yep that's exactly what he is. I think my eldest already sees through it though. He has expressed concern about the number of sweets Daddy gives the baby. Twunt must hate that, it's like a little me reminding him what parental standards he used to have. Anyway izzie how are you doing?

crumb well done for calling his bluff. I couldn't have done that because he would have had them half time just to piss me off. Seriously! If I was being cynical I would suggest that things will change when the finances are finally resolved. The more he has them the less maintenance he pays so it's all linked. Yet more disgusting behaviour to try and get my head around.

I'm still very much at the stage where I want some justice / karma / whatever. It seems like he's just got away with it. Someone who used to be very close to him said to me the other day 'I just do not know how he lives with himself. How does he even get to sleep at night?' It's more of that crazy making stuff isn't it - we'll never understand it because we could never have done it.

I hope I move past this feeling as he might have a really happy life and I can't live mine waiting around for it to all go wrong. I don't really know where to start though. Everything is still so up in the air.

izzie well done for not texting / emailing. It is so much better long term even though it is SO tempting sometimes.

Hobbit I am so proud of you - you have been utterly amazing today. Them balls of steel you got must be glowing with pride! What a relief. I expect there will be a bit of a crash in the coming days (perfectly normal) but if there isn't - fabulous. If there is, that's the adrenaline rushing out of your system and not you being anything other than an amazing woman. Seriously pleased for you.

Hello witch, I'm sorry I missed your first post so didn't introduce myself. If you're feeling bitter, so be it - after all, you're the one who is feeling the regret and sadness for your children (as well as for yourself) and that he appears to not have at all! And him procreating with someone else is always going to sting. It's bound to take you back to them memories you have from when yours were born, and that are now being overlooked, and of course you worry about them. Clearly no one wants to be bitter, but if you think of it as a 'phase' to get through (just like all the others, e.g. shock, anger, depressed, fucked off...) then accept that your feelings are what they are for now, but not necessarily not what they will be forever.

Anyway, I'm bitter and cynical. So I enjoy having like-minded people around me !

Ali, I'm glad to read that you're using this week to get some new perspective on things, and taking the opportunity of the pressure cooker lightening up for a moment. Please don't underestimate what a horrid ordeal you are going through when things are tough. Enjoy a little time to get your shit in order.

Wise I am loving your thoughts of the day! Where on earth do you find those things...actually best you don't say as I'll spend way too much time looking and laughing, and I have "wurk" to do.

As it goes, I turned down a job offer today. If it ain't right, then it ain't going to help me fix things in the medium/long term. In fact, I'm sort of glad I realised that it's actually going to make things worse. So instead, I cracked on with selling the rest of the business chattels that are no longer required. Some of the things I'm flogging, he'd ordered just days before he decided to flee in cowardice. It was odd opening them up (I'd just dumped them in an outbuilding unwrapped) and seeing the invoices and dates. Still, one more task now completed. Thankfully no arguments on dividing up the proceeds. They are mine to sell now. They'd been weighing on my mind and it's a sad process to deal with, but 'every little helps', I suppose. And to top off a shit day - car has broken down. Again.

One foot forward,...whack!

Still got rings to sell (which I intend to do). He got most upset that they weren't on my Form E - but the fucker is an arse. Both rings, I actually bought out of my own earnings (don't ask!!) and neither are worth more than £500 pounds second hand. They currently reside in a drawer. Sad - because they are preeteee - but I want them gone too. They were the only jewellery I wore...bar one other sentimental ring. And I hate the bloody scar.

Bobs "find something small to be grateful for today"...oh, you too Bob? And we were so tactful about it!

To be honest, I do believe it's not that size matters, but what you do with it. Yeah....um. Moving on.

Hello Crumb welcome to our thread. Perhaps I can give you a view from the 'other side'. Not that I was an OW, but a step-parent.

I've made the point before, and I'll make it again: It's so much easier being a children's entertainer.

OW is 'just' an children's entertainer. It's amazing how quickly he's relying on her to spend time looking after the children, no?

Hopefully she will be good with children. But you'll always be their mum.