HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on ...part 8

[Izzie595]

Nobody understands the fully devastating impact of the ending of a marriage unless and until they experience it themselves

Welcome to Hobbit's Bar. Thread number 8.

The previous thread has been filled in less than a fortnight. Therefore, I've included below the post I did for Thread number 7. Links to all the threads in this series are below.
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This is the place where we meet to let it all out, to share experiences, to get support, and maybe give support if and when we feel able. And also to sometimes have a good laugh about things, because Hell, we've earned the right to laugh!

The bar is owned by Hobbit. She is adorable, kind, and bonkers. And lazy. So we take turns in running the bar for her ladyship.

I'm the latest proprietor of the bar. Izzie Age 54. Married 30 years. Two young adult sons living with me. Husband left to live with OW on Halloween last year. Very appropriate! No moves towards divorce or financial settlement at present. I started posting my own stuff on MN at the start of the year. Best thing I ever did. Well, I've had better successes in life, but you get my point, yes? I've been through the whole range of emotions, backwards, forwards, round and round: It's not a linear process by any means. And it does seem common to have a huge crash at 4 to 6 months in. Today I'm meh. Mostly.

There are a range of experiences in the Bar, generally at any one time. Examples: the early stages of separation; negotiating; legal matters; abuse in all forms; feeling stronger; having a major crash again; dealing with fuckwittery from the exes; financial worries; issues involving both young and adult children; moving towards the Mecca that is "meh". Basically, the whole works. Believe me, whatever you are currently experiencing, you are not alone.

My advice to any newbies: just jump in, but if you have the time and inclination, try reading all of the threads. You will see real women experiencing their bleakest moments, their progress, their dips, their innermost thoughts.

Rules of The Bar

1. Don't ask to join just come in
2. The phrase Party Pooper is banned. We may be having a good old giggle sometimes but someone in need must interrupt whatever is going on. We can't all be in sync, but someone in need ALWAYS takes priority
3. You are not obliged to give advice, reply to any posts, there are no expectations of you. Take what you want from the thread.

And just to ease you in, here are a few things you may wish to know:

1. An Izzietini is the bar drink.
2. A number 6 refers to rule number 6 in Hobbit's Twunts list. Reasons why they do things. Because they are....... Erm, no, the answer is not "misguided"
3. Mother, WellWhoKnew or WWK. Recently divorced, previous proprietor of the Bar and a legend of MN to those who followed her own threads. Also a legend on here for her straightforward advice. And keeps us in order.
4. Some of the posters also have their own threads. I hope they will do a link for you
5. There's a bad case of exclamationitis on here. Occurs when trying to put in a comma on ipad, but it auto corrects to an exclamation mark. So if you post and get a dodgy comment back, eg "Have you thought about counselling! sounds like you need help!".....please believe us that we are not sarky cows. Because the rule of exclamationitis is that we only spot it after we have posted!
6. Our sayings are "Shit, this is hard" and "KOKO", keep on keeping on
7. Our theme tune, to keep us going, is below

At the beginning of this year Fontella posted this on the first thread:

"Can I just say as more of a reader rather than a participant on this thread (I got shot of my lying, conniving, controlling ex 10 years ago) that this is fast turning into my favourite thread. Lots of powerful, courageous and funny (in a good way) women all coming together and supporting each other through an incredibly painful time. You are all fabulous!"

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Part 7

Izzie can't tell you which eyeliner but I was told years ago that ladies of a certain age should not wear black - rather go for greys as they are less ageing! I only wear it on the bottom lid anyway.

Yes I agree - just text him Happy birthday and leave it at that. You want to keep him on side, despite how you feel, - then you can do as well as Hobbit

Haha iwas you're asking for it. Izzie .....big mouth?....never

Another question Hobbit - what is the % split if you add up all the assets - house, pension, savings? You did well to get the "extras" added in

Witch I'm sorry, that must be so hard. I really don't know what to say but wish I could stop you hurting. x

I'm so sorry witch , that must be so difficult, thinking of you .

Witch So sorry, it must be so hard to deal with x

Bobs I can't believe you're suggesting Izzie has a big mouth! shit stirs

What good for you, hopefully a good distraction and it worked rather nicely for Green x

Hello everyone, de-lurking, love this thread as don't need to make a big statement but can join in, thank you for starting it ... and opening it to everyone. I have really tried to read old threads but really you have got way too much history there and I would never have got round to posting

I am quite meh most of the time - stbxh affair started 18 months ago and we separated 6 months ago when he and OW moved in together (cannot explain what was going on for that year - stbxh was working away during week, I took a new job and worked full-time with 2DC, took ADs, cried lots, had some great RL friends and read MN).

Now trying to deal with lack of interest in H to do any work on financial settlement, I drew up detailed list of all our incomes, outgoings, savings, debts and pensions back in Jan. He freaked me out last week when I saw he has diverted his salary from the joint account to his personal one! Scared me - means I have to push him to react to my 5-month-old proposal for maintenance payments - he says "it's ok" no it's not ok. I am so amazed how zen so many of you are about no financial separation, maybe I'm overreacting and he and OW are being careful with our money.

DCs 6 and 11 met OW in March as go to H and OW's flat every second weekend. There was a big argument last weekend, I couldn't help feeling smug that DS now hates her - I said "well we all want Daddy to be happy don't way - I hope she's nice to him" DS says "yes, way too nice".

So that's just what's on my mind at the moment, just sharing.

Thought this acronym might be useful...

Hi bobs , as I understood it , Jlm is until retirement, or until the circumstances change, etc, remarriage , loss of earnings , and the order can be varied.

Although it did come from the mediator, his was the spousal maintenance suggestion , the indefinite part came from him, no-one was more surprised than me. I think he just wants it to be over tbh, I know I'm very fortunate in that respect .

Here's our mascot, ,

Crumb hello yes the thread is great, all thanks to Hobbit

Pleased to hear you are meh a lot of the time, it helps a lot. I am not surprised you were scared that he diverted his salary into his account, I hope he accepts your maintenance proposal.

Sorry your DC's met OW, that's really hard and what I'm dreading at the moment. KOKO and sharing too. x

Hobbit I've just noticed we posted at exactly the same time, down to the second! 22:04:40 Woo!

I don't like it when iwas is chirpy, I get insulted. Or is it a horse/cart, chicken/egg thing?

crumb welcome. Yes the ex twunt here delayed financial settlement. Six months separated. Asked him end of the year. Had an email back eventually saying he was doing research and was too busy. Hmm, more like he doesn't want to face the consequences or is hatching a plan, maybe getting a mortgage or whatever. Bide your time, as long as you can trust him, it may bpgive you thinking time. Others will say get in quick for other reasons. It's for you to judge and be guided as best you can. The good thing about this thread is that it is non judgmental to posters, but lots of differing opinions nonetheless. All food for thought.

Hobbit thanks for the photo and well done!! That is an amazing outcome and you should be so proud of yourself for hanging on in there. Think how worried you were about it all a couple of months back and now you've become a beacon of hope for us all!! I hope you like that description... Beacon of hope.

My solicitor is trying to keep the finances out of court because there really isn't enough to argue over but he wants half and I doubt he'll accept anything less unless a judge tells him so. The system seems very unfair - I am the primary carer but also the higher earner so apparently if I can afford to pay half I should. So I'm being punished for being successful and working hard. Nice.

I'm at the point now where I just want it over.

As for OW having baby - I think the thought of it is worse than the reality. I know the truth of it now. He abandoned two perfect children and a loving wife. There was nothing wrong with us - everything was and is wrong with him.

Izzie you make it so easy! There's been many a time I've come on the thread feeling a bit low and come off feeling a bit chirpy thanks to all you lovely women and you're a big part of that. x

I was nice to you earlier anyway, I gave you cake!

iwas DILLIGAF - love it

crumb hi and welcome waiting 5 months for an answer....that rings a bell. I had to wait the same time last year for a reply to a question. when he did it was to give me permission to find out the answer!!!

Re maintenance, if you are struggling money-wise as there is nothing going into the joint account...if it is child maintenance give him 2 weeks to set up a direct debit to your account or say you are applying to the CMS. If it spousal, give him 2 weeks to start paying or say you will be applying for an interim order for spousal maintenance.

It's good that your DC have a relationship with their dad - though I don't blame you for feeling smug when they argue with OW

Yes thank you Hobbit, izzie, iwas and everyone else too.

I wasn't ready for DCs to meet her ever but I think it was DSil who said it is up to him and it really helped to let go any responsibility for that. I told him 6 months was a minimum in my mind but finally it was 6 weeks between him telling DC and them meeting her and by then I guess they were getting curious. I worry that she thinks she is getting a readymade family, H always tells me how caring she is and so good with children. I dread them having their own, the worst scenario is her having his child then them separating and him paying maintenance to 2 families plus living on his own - probably a likely scenario though.

Aw, iwas, a compliment! Thank you my lovely. Feeling is mutual.

We are all loved up tonight. Is it a full moon or what??

family that's got to be so hard for you. I know someone else who was in the same position - he didn't work at all and she had to pay him spousal for 2 yrs (no DC though). If you had to settle for half, wouldn't he still have to pay maintenance? I don't know how reliable wikivorce is but have you tried feeding the figures into the calculator there?

crumb I've said this before on here! but will say it again. As lovely as I'm sure your children are, they are not hers. And let's face it, other people's children are often a pain in the arse. Or is that just me

bobs a direct payment or credit, my love. A direct debit is when money is taken from an account, eg for utility bills. Fancy Spreadsheetbobs getting that wrong . Are you still on for heading up the next thread? And I may just have another contender for future ones. IT trained too!

Hi crumb. Sounds like you are doing remarkably well. Why do you think him paying two lots of maintenance is the worst scenario? I do hope you mean for him as that is no reflection on you! I have thought the same and wondered whether people really do pay two or more lots of maintenance? It is just awful isn't it. If he did separate, I would hope he would do a runner to some faraway land to 'find' himself some more.

Some people have commented that the OW baby might not be his. When I first heard that I couldn't get the thought of out my head 'why did he leave me for someone like that?' I was loyal, faithful, supportive, loving etc. I would have done anything for him. Strange isn't it. I will never understand it.

Hmmmm well actually it's a standing order - that's what my ex set up to pay child maintenance into my account.

Yes I'll do the next thread if that's ok with everyone??

iwas I agree about the thread. When you're alone and life is making you lonely........