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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair - Learning to Cope Part 4

984 replies

OpheliaRose · 07/05/2015 19:05

Many you will have read my threads 1 2 3

I found out almost 3 weeks ago that my husband was having an affair with a girl from his work. Not only where they exchanging flirty messages but had also had blow jobs and sex at the office when confronted my Husband told me he had feelings for the OW and would be leaving me for her.

3 weeks on and the pain I feel is still unbearable, he has been spending time with OW and her child, wants to have our Twins EoW and is planning on introducing the Twins sooner rather than later as the OW will be a big part of his and their life. Heart broken doesn't even cover what I am currently feeling and experiencing

I have decided to file for divorce on grounds of adultery but as its currently stands will not be naming the OW. This is not an easy choice for me to make however I do not think it will make me feel any better because apart from the courts, me Husband and OW no one will know. They appear to feel no shame at their actions anyway so what good would it do.

I want to thank all you wonderful ladies for your continued support at this very hard time for me.

OP posts:
Phoenix0x0 · 07/05/2015 19:09

ophelia

I am glad that you posted again.

What have you done for you today?

Any progress on the DT staying only one night?

Rosieliveson · 07/05/2015 19:10

Hi Ophelia, glad to find your new thread. Seeing everything you have been through in the past few weeks written out like that is heartbreaking Thanks

I hope today has been productive and that you managed a good night of sleep last night.

Remember, you don't have to let H have the twins EOW. It could be one day every weekend with no overnights at first to ease them into it. You get to decide what is best for them and for you. You know best how they are coping and what they can handle.

Keep you'd had held high. You have no shame Thanks

Rosieliveson · 07/05/2015 19:10

*Keep your head held high Blush

MilesHuntsWig · 07/05/2015 19:11

Checking in to be amazed at how you're coping again!

Any progress on laying down the law with DTs meeting WF?

CaveMum · 07/05/2015 19:15

How was your day?

Weebirdie · 07/05/2015 19:17

Just another one nipping in to say Ive found the thread and Im willing you on from the sidelines.

xxxx

Iwasbornin1993 · 07/05/2015 19:18

Just sending continued thoughts to you Ophelia ????

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 07/05/2015 19:21

H emailed me today to say he would pick the twins up at lunch time sat and return them at 5pm sunday.

he said they would be having a big family lunch Sunday so might not be very hungry when they came home. He said they will not be meeting OW this weekend as she feels that its unfair on me and he should allow more time for me to adjust. She said if it would make me feel better to meet her before hand she would do as she knows some women like her ex's new gf (who also has kids) insist they have to meet any new gfs before the kids do.

He also told me he will be moving into his new flat from Wednesday next week. He told me he had been on the Child maintenance calculator and work out what they expect he would pay and has offered me more than that a month for now until we sort something formally. He will continue to pay mortgage and bills for now until a formal agreement is made on that issue as well. He said he's happy to do as i wish with the house.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 07/05/2015 19:25

Holy. Shit.

Cherryapple1 · 07/05/2015 19:25

How do you feel abut them going to him overnight? Would you want to meet her? She has a bloody nerve, but we knew that already I guess..

elsabelle · 07/05/2015 19:29

I agree that its really shocking and heartbreaking to see everything that's happened written out like that. So sorry. Sending you hugs and strength, i do think you are handling things extremely well, you should be very proud of yourself. Flowers

MaMaof04 · 07/05/2015 19:30

Ophelia
What to say love?
I do not know.
This last post raise in me mixed feelings-
WF might be on MN.
Anyway let us try to be positive. Keep the house. For ever if possible - or at least for you to enjoy all your lifetime- to live in it or to rent it out; and for your kids to inherit it fully when he dies; I am not sure he will be as generous as to give it to you exclusively 100%.
Try to get as much monies as possible: you lost earnings opportunities when you decided to stay at home for the twins.
It is tough so tough I want to cry with you.
Is someone with you dear?

DownWithThisTypeOfThing · 07/05/2015 19:31

Wow. Moving so quickly. Unbelievable.

Vivacia · 07/05/2015 19:31

A lot there about him and her. What about you Phee? What do you want in terms of access this weekend?

Vivacia · 07/05/2015 19:32

Apologies for another question, does he know divorce papers are on their way?

Weebirdie · 07/05/2015 19:33

Ophelia, please tell this man that your children will not be seeing the OW for a minimum of 6 months. That anything other than this will be detrimental to their emotional wellbeing.

You really do have to get your kid gloves off.

xxx

Earsareconstantlyringing · 07/05/2015 19:33

Phee, you may not feel it but despite the obvious heartbreak and bewilderment you're still feeling, you're sounding stronger and stronger each day.

Your dignity and grace during all of this is astounding, but remember, you can let it all out here. We're here to support you no matter what, and we're all cheering you on, good days and bad.

MerryMarigold · 07/05/2015 19:35

Vivacia, to which part are you referring? The total patronising attitude of exh and wf?

I'm glad it's 24 hours and I believe him for now regarding OW. They are desperate to redeem themselves, even if it's only in their own eyes. You have a great manipulation card there though. "I would really appreciate it if you didn't do that as I'm just finding blah blah so hard right now. " If she/ he goes ahead and hurts you, it will damage their own very odd self image of being the good guys.

Vivacia · 07/05/2015 19:36

Vivacia, to which part are you referring? The total patronising attitude of exh and wf?

Yes, and more. I just couldn't verbalise my reaction. It's just breath-taking.

Lilacflower · 07/05/2015 19:37

That's made me so angry ! she thinks, she says. Does she just think this is a normal relationship and she wasn't doing your husband behind your back ? Why would you want to meet her ? Sounds to me like she's missing a chip in her brain as she has no concept of what she's done to you. Nor has he.

Vivacia · 07/05/2015 19:37

Especially this bit,
She said if it would make me feel better to meet her before hand she would do as she knows some women like her ex's new gf (who also has kids) insist they have to meet any new gfs before the kids do.

Akifden · 07/05/2015 19:38

She's not going to rush into meeting you children as it wouldn't be fair to you?!!! Angry How magnanimous of her! Why didn't she consider what was fair months ago? I'm raging in your behalf.....the nerve of her!!!
At least I suppose it's the desired outcome for the time being. Flowers

Phoenix0x0 · 07/05/2015 19:39

I agree vivicia!

It's all he/she feels this/that....not asking what ophelia thinks...like she is a child and WF and H are the adults...

I actually found it to be a tad smug..

I would not be able to stop myself in meeting WF....evil laugh moowahhhhaaa

MerryMarigold · 07/05/2015 19:39

Yeah, like she's just a normal girlfriend Hmm

Vivacia · 07/05/2015 19:40

"I think considering that she was giving a married man blowjobs in the stationery cupboard, and you were referring to her as wank fodder, only days ago, we're probably better off not taking parenting advice from her".