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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair - Learning to Cope Part 4

984 replies

OpheliaRose · 07/05/2015 19:05

Many you will have read my threads 1 2 3

I found out almost 3 weeks ago that my husband was having an affair with a girl from his work. Not only where they exchanging flirty messages but had also had blow jobs and sex at the office when confronted my Husband told me he had feelings for the OW and would be leaving me for her.

3 weeks on and the pain I feel is still unbearable, he has been spending time with OW and her child, wants to have our Twins EoW and is planning on introducing the Twins sooner rather than later as the OW will be a big part of his and their life. Heart broken doesn't even cover what I am currently feeling and experiencing

I have decided to file for divorce on grounds of adultery but as its currently stands will not be naming the OW. This is not an easy choice for me to make however I do not think it will make me feel any better because apart from the courts, me Husband and OW no one will know. They appear to feel no shame at their actions anyway so what good would it do.

I want to thank all you wonderful ladies for your continued support at this very hard time for me.

OP posts:
goshhhhhh · 07/05/2015 20:20

Glad you are ok. Despite everything you sound very together. Let us know what you need from us. I would hate for us to inadvertently replicate h & wf by telling you what to do.....though I completely agree with turnipcake - cold hard steel.

Rosieliveson · 07/05/2015 20:21

I'm glad you will get some time to res this weekend. Do try to get some things planned so you aren't alone and counting the time until the twins are home.

With regards to OW, formally known as WF, I wouldn't talk about being hurt as I can't see what that will achieve. They are clearly Teflon coated fools!

You could just state that you would "prefer any arrangements with regard the separation and the twins be organised between the two of you and that the advice or opinions of third parties are neither invited nor welcome at this time cheeky cow" bar the mnetters of course

As always, do what's best for you and your children Brew

Christinayangstwistedsister · 07/05/2015 20:21

Most importantly Phee, how are you?

Mama1980 · 07/05/2015 20:22

Hi ophelia, wow they really have this all planned don't they :(
Take as much time as you need and be gentle with yourself.
You're doing great no one expects anything I'm sure speak for other posters when I say we just want to help if we can in anyway.
Your friend sounds lovely I remember shortly after my youngest came out of hospital (single mum of 4) one of my brothers came over and bathed the youngest two for me, such a small thing but it meant so much to have a extra pair of hands. I cried and freaked him out Wink
take as much help as is offered and one day at a time. A cliche but seeing the bigger picture is just too much sometimes, the house and things can wait.

TurnipCake · 07/05/2015 20:24

It's their honeymoon period, she could spew rhetoric like Pol Pot and he'd think she was wonderful.

Falling in love is not actual love. He's in love with the idea of her. He hasn't had the reality yet - dirty knickers in the wash, seeing her body between hair removal, her poo smell (which I promise, does not smell like roses), greasy hair, mood swings, toenail clippings, snotty tissues. He'll see that she's a human being sooner or later.

You are doing brilliantly Flowers

Chuckitinthefuckitbucket · 07/05/2015 20:26

Seriously? How does she even have the bloody nerve to mention anything?!? She really has your bloody wellbeing at the front of her mind, doesn't she? not so much so whilst on her knees in front of your husband
Seriously?! She doesn't seem to be acting like someone who with the consent of your H has torn your family apart? So concerned for you and your dear twins isn't she.
I honestly don't know how you haven't totally lost it with them, but you are amazing. I'd be screaming down the phone and banging his door down.
You're incredibly strong Flowers

ClareAbshire · 07/05/2015 20:28

Great to see the new positive thread title Ophelia!

guinnessguzzler · 07/05/2015 20:39

Ophelia, I haven't posted on any of your threads before but it sounds like you are doing amazing.

I think FriendofBill talks good sense in terms of access. It is far too much for your H to expect overnight access at this stage in the game and it likely would not be in your twins' best interests. It is also a bit much for him to expect you to take their word that OW won't meet them given he has proven he can't actually be trusted. I think that makes it perfectly reasonable for you to offer access on your terms eg at a relatives or supervised by you although of course you may not want this until something is legally agreed. Of course you want your children to maintain a relationship with their father, that is understandable, but that doesn't mean it always has to be exactly as he asks for if that is not in their best interests.

GERTI · 07/05/2015 20:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Justusemyname · 07/05/2015 20:42

Can you tell him to stop saying WF thinks, WF says, etc etc as you really don't care what she thinks or says and it is none of her business what happens with the children. How big of her to offer to meet you. How big of her to think it's too soon.

I'm petty enough to say no to something he asks for just to keep him in his place but you are a lot nicer than me.

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 07/05/2015 20:43

clare thank you

christina I'm not great honestly .. I know he's not being reasonable because he's acting like a smug condensing bastard but then i find myself thinking am AIBU!? he's offered me more maintenance, seeming letting me decide on the house, isn;t going to introduce OW and seems to be living in his own place not with OW yet I'm still picking at it!

roma i'm barely standing and only because i have my kids her with me so i cannot and will not break. i was sick after reading his email

chuck i do not understand OW her whole friendly attitude in all her messages to DH was so puzzling not a hint of shame guilt or even like a crazy OW who wanted to steal H away she was just so normal if that make sense and her relationship with her ex is weird. I think if couples do split up then its great if they can get along and be civil for the kids etc but stay really good friends, hanging out without the kids in the week and having time together as a family once or twice a month is a bit odd! and she manages to be friends with ex new gf! Its like she thinks eventually me H and her will be the same hanging out having jokes and laughs!? she is mental

FriendofBill I think he's just keen to make things official with OW. i know he says he;s got a place but i full expect he'll have OW there a lot and be at hers a lot and eventually look to move in with her. I wont be surprised if they have another baby or get married :(

OP posts:
sanityawol · 07/05/2015 20:45

Of course, WF could be back-peddling furiously at the moment. (I am not defending her in any way, shape or form by the way.)

But... her bit of fun in the office after hours has suddenly turned into an apparently exclusive relationship where she is meeting the inlaws and the children. He may be railroading her into this situation as much as he is Phee. It may be that she is using the excuse of sparing Phee's feelings to slow things right down and plan her escape

She can't be completely stupid - she knows that Phee will never want to meet her given the situation, and if WF insists that she wants to meet Phee before meeting the children... then she's never going to be able to meet them. So the relationship can never move forward.

As I said above... I am not defending her. I have dropped 'friends' in the past because they have been involved with married men. I'm only saying this as things may not be as rosy as he is making out. But I wonder whether being the OW suited her, and she would have rather kept things casual rather than have H leave Phee.

I've just read that back, and it's really clumsy but hopefully you can see what I mean.

Ophelia Flowers for you. You're doing so well.

HobartPaving · 07/05/2015 20:45

They don't have the best foundation to build on when she was also suggesting she might "be naughty too" and sleep with the other colleague who was interested in her.

I think he'll also start to have issues with the cosiness of her relationship with the ex

SignoraStronza · 07/05/2015 20:45

So you reply, by email (ccd to your SHL), with the following points.
That you have no interest in meeting that woman and cannot possibly see how it would benefit the dts, who are your only concern. In fact, studies have shown that it is not in their interests to meet her yet either and you request that this be delayed for at least six months. (with research links to back it up).
That you will be forwarding his email and financial offer to your divorce solicitor for their information.
Keep it cold, hard and straight to the point. No emotion.
And for your emotional wellbeing, please don't ever agree to meet WF in person and keep him at arms length too. All handover to be done by your parents/dbro for the time being lest you launch blunt objects at his head or knee him in the balls.

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 07/05/2015 20:47

SignoraStronza thank you

I wouldn't ever want to meet her ... even the idea that she might be in the same place as me makes me want to be sick.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 07/05/2015 20:47

I never thought I'd think something like this, but I'd be seriously considering sending WF a letter with a few facts in it.

HootyMcTooty · 07/05/2015 20:51

There are no words. Are the living in a parallel universe?! How can he possibly think you give two shits what she thinks is best for your DTs? Fucking hell Phee, you poor love.

On the positive, you have some time to yourself coming up, it will be hard, but it was inevitable he'd have them overnight eventually. Please plan to do something nice for yourself and don't be alone Flowers

Christinayangstwistedsister · 07/05/2015 20:52

Oh Phee it's so hard on you. He isn't letting you do anything with the house...it's yours too and he left it. You haven't been working as you both agreed that your role would be looking after your children so he isn't doing you any favours, he is legally obliged to pay

I would tell him to stop contacting you and instead communicate with your solicitor, I don't think any sort of contact with him is helping you at all

SignoraStronza · 07/05/2015 20:52

Oh, and I expect once he realises exactly what he's offered you re the house etc takes legal advice himself then he might start backpeddling furiously. Get the financial order done asap before he has time to think too clearly as in not with his dick.
You have a queue of mnetters behind you love. Now time to kick some arse.Flowers

parsnipbob · 07/05/2015 20:56

I'd be quite tempted to see her to give her a piece of my mind quite frankly.

How can two people be so utterly disgustingly oblivious?

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 07/05/2015 20:59

I'm so glad i have all of you to help me.

I'be made plans to go shopping saturday afternoon with my friend from work in an effort to take my mind off this all. I want to get myself some new clothes so i can start to feel slightly better about how i look at least. I asked DB to come over but he said he had plans with friends but invited me to come along (and said to bring my lovely friend Grin if i was scared to come alone)

I'm not sure if i will go seems a bit much plus some of his friends know H too so maybe they will laugh at me

OP posts:
TurnipCake · 07/05/2015 21:00

Oh yes, I suspect he's already unhappy with her cosy catch-ups and dinners with her ex.

Put yourself first. You don't have to answer anything about her or even acknowledge it. He could be embellishing half of it to save his face.

Vivacia · 07/05/2015 21:01

Ophelia may I recommend a make-over at a make-up counter and/or booking a free Debenhams personal shopper session?

Why on earth would anyone laugh at you??

Justusemyname · 07/05/2015 21:02

No one will laugh at you. You're lovely.

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 07/05/2015 21:02

Vicacia I've always been scared of those make p counters like they will think i'm odd for wanting advice.

Well because my H fucked some pretty girl at work and left me ... I feel like a joke

OP posts:
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