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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair - Learning to Cope Part 4

984 replies

OpheliaRose · 07/05/2015 19:05

Many you will have read my threads 1 2 3

I found out almost 3 weeks ago that my husband was having an affair with a girl from his work. Not only where they exchanging flirty messages but had also had blow jobs and sex at the office when confronted my Husband told me he had feelings for the OW and would be leaving me for her.

3 weeks on and the pain I feel is still unbearable, he has been spending time with OW and her child, wants to have our Twins EoW and is planning on introducing the Twins sooner rather than later as the OW will be a big part of his and their life. Heart broken doesn't even cover what I am currently feeling and experiencing

I have decided to file for divorce on grounds of adultery but as its currently stands will not be naming the OW. This is not an easy choice for me to make however I do not think it will make me feel any better because apart from the courts, me Husband and OW no one will know. They appear to feel no shame at their actions anyway so what good would it do.

I want to thank all you wonderful ladies for your continued support at this very hard time for me.

OP posts:
ClareAbshire · 19/05/2015 14:47

Just posting to say keep on OpheliaRose. Youre doing so well. Bollocks to him, he's showing his true colours now.

MerryMarigold · 19/05/2015 15:54

Hi Ophelia. Hope today treats you well...I've been on a school trip and I'm shattered. How did I used to do twins all day, certainly good for fitnes? I was definitely a lot fitter before they went to school. Look after yourself, hope you're no worse today. Xxx

Weebirdie · 19/05/2015 16:21

Hi there Fab Phee,

I hope today has been a good one for you and the children.

I'm going away on holiday in a few hours so I just wanted to nip in and say cheerio, but also to say I think of you quite often during the day and will continue to do so when Im away.

Look after yourself. You're doing great. And one day life will be good for you again. In fact I'd put money on you ending up happier than when you were with your husband, not that you have to end up with anyone else. I just think you'll grow, find many a new side to yourself, that you'll very much love the new you.

xxxxx

MaMaof04 · 19/05/2015 17:30

Enjoy your trip wee!

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 19/05/2015 19:00

Sorry I've been rather quite today had a very busy (exhausting) day and had a lot on my mind.

had an email from DH stating he will have the kids for tea on Thursday and will want to pick them up by 9am on Saturday as he has a day trip planned. He wants to bring them back at 5pm on sunday. He said that he has a room already for them at his new place and he's really excited to show them their new home on Thursday.

I don't know how I feel about this all really. He is there dad and I know he has just as much right to them as I do but I don;t like how he phrases it as their new home!

He also said he's not going to contest anything accepts the adultery grounds and just wants it over with so life can move on. I can't believe that 12 years together 10 married comes to just wanting to move on ... my brother thinks he will be planning to marry OW soon after :(

OP posts:
Phoenix0x0 · 19/05/2015 19:04

Like how he is still dictating contact....after not bothering to phone/Skype/or have them for tea last week.

Personally, I would opt for only one overnight. They are only two.

Weebirdie · 19/05/2015 19:10

Phee, by marrying so young your husband missed out on a specific stage of his emotional development that means he has no sodding idea at all as to how a grown up should behave and that is displayed in his 'moving on'.

Its such a trite phrase and nd is generally used by people who have no idea whatsoever to say so they fill a gap in the proceeding with 'moving on'.

His emotional deficit is also displayed in being excited about showing the children their new home!

I have feeling that a few years down the line you would have woke up one day and realised that you had outgrown him, and that you would have in fact said I'm not happy. You were the adult in your marriage. And your husband? Well, he was a teenager playing at being grown up.

Weebirdie · 19/05/2015 19:11

Ma - thank you. Im going to Italy, France and Spain.

tryingtokeepintune · 19/05/2015 19:15

Just a thought. Do the DT have only his last name? Have you ever thought of having their name changed to your name-his name? Just to differentiate from any of his future children?

CitySnicker · 19/05/2015 19:19

And are they free at these times? He thinks you're role is to revolve around him doesn't he.

CitySnicker · 19/05/2015 19:19

Your*

Vivacia · 19/05/2015 19:28

He also said he's not going to contest anything accepts the adultery grounds and just wants it over with so life can move on.

What do you want?

ClareAbshire · 19/05/2015 19:29

He might be planning on marrying her but is she planning on marrying him? I wouldn't buy a hat just yet, Ophelia, it's very early days and your STBXH is an utter prick. I hope he ends up alone with nobody, no less than he deserves.

Rosieliveson · 19/05/2015 19:32

Well, if you're free and happy to have a 'break' then go for it.
Don't let him bully you though and don't let him think he calls the shots. Now could be a good time to state that you want regular contact times in place so you too can 'move on'. I'd go Wed for tea only every week then overnight from Saturday mid morning to Sunday early evening every other weekend.
You can request that he calls it daddy's house and yours will become mummy's house rather than home for now. It will help them understand the separation too.
Hope you're ok Wine

Vivacia · 19/05/2015 19:34

I think Rosie gives good advice. Is there a night that suits you longer term? No harm in saying yes to Thursday if you're flexible.

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 19/05/2015 19:41

Thanks Rose I will say that i'd prefer it called Mummy's and Daddy's house

I don't want him doing tea on a weds but that's just to spite him really since I understand that is the night his OW plays happy families with her Ex and their child so I told him Wednesdays where no good for me. I didnt want him only seeing the twins when OW was busy.

I am very tired, could use a break and we had sort of agreed every other weekend so it does make sense. I'm not happy about it all all really but that more relates to the fact i never planned on having a mummy's house and a daddy's house Sad

OP posts:
Christinayanglah · 19/05/2015 19:46

It's all moved so quickly, your head must still be reeling

You don't need to get them ready for 9 if you don't want yo, he should have checked with you before arranging a trip....but then he seems to think the sun shines out of his arse

Vivacia · 19/05/2015 19:56

I think gaining this time this week seems a good idea for you, even if he suggested it first.

Did you get any advice on over-nights with such young children?

winkywinkola · 19/05/2015 20:05

It must still be such a shock.

There is no way your stbxh is going to breeze through this.

You're already dealing with the harsh reality of what he's done. He doesn't get it. Not really. Who knows if he ever will.

Your resilience is amazing. You've not collapsed. You've put one foot in front of the other and you're taking control of your life. He won't really know who you are in a year. He will be impressed by your strength.

He and wf are really disgusting. I hope he finds her giving some other sleaze a bj in the stationery cupboard two years on from now. It's all so foul. Really foul.

You are the rose on that stinking dung heap however. You and your dts.

Ledkr · 19/05/2015 20:22

ophelia my ex was the same as yours. It hurts so much that they just want to dump you as quick as possible then move on.
I actually used that to my advantage and got my house signed over Grin
Maybe u can do the same.
Trust me when I say that in time those ten years will pale I to Insignificance.
Wasnt a waste.
You were happy and had some good times and had two loveky kids.
I promise this is how you will look upon it in time.
Your breakup and the way he has behaved is one of the worst ive ever heard of but you are still here, still alive and have your whole life to live.
It can only get better from here my darling. Xx

magoria · 19/05/2015 20:23

There will be grand gestures toward OW to 'prove' their love and they were meant to be.

Expect it Sad

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 19/05/2015 20:30

I've gone back and said 9 on sunday is fine on this occasion but in future i expect him to ask before making plans as I may have something planned already for the Saturday morning.

what i really want from him is an apology for the way he's treated me and tried to re write history but I doubt i'll get that ever.

I just don't think he can hurt me any more than he has done... I'm numb to it all

OP posts:
Vivacia · 19/05/2015 20:33

I wish I could take some of the pain away Phee, it's so much for one person to carry.

Weebirdie · 19/05/2015 20:34

Ophelia even if he apologised it wouldn't be enough because until we make sense of this ourselves nothing these men say is enough or can make us feel better.

Nothing he said would be right because he cannot make this right. You have to do that yourself.

Ledkr · 19/05/2015 20:36

I wanted an apology too oph.
I never got one.
They just get caught up in their own needs and excitement and just don't have the mental capacity to think of anything or anyone else.
It's truly pathetic.
I remember answering the phone a bit prickly and ex said "what's up with you?"
"Um let me think, oh yes my husband is fucking soneone else"
"God arent you over that yet!"
This was about 3 weeks later Hmm