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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Affair - Learning to Cope Part 4

984 replies

OpheliaRose · 07/05/2015 19:05

Many you will have read my threads 1 2 3

I found out almost 3 weeks ago that my husband was having an affair with a girl from his work. Not only where they exchanging flirty messages but had also had blow jobs and sex at the office when confronted my Husband told me he had feelings for the OW and would be leaving me for her.

3 weeks on and the pain I feel is still unbearable, he has been spending time with OW and her child, wants to have our Twins EoW and is planning on introducing the Twins sooner rather than later as the OW will be a big part of his and their life. Heart broken doesn't even cover what I am currently feeling and experiencing

I have decided to file for divorce on grounds of adultery but as its currently stands will not be naming the OW. This is not an easy choice for me to make however I do not think it will make me feel any better because apart from the courts, me Husband and OW no one will know. They appear to feel no shame at their actions anyway so what good would it do.

I want to thank all you wonderful ladies for your continued support at this very hard time for me.

OP posts:

Christinayangstwistedsister · 07/05/2015 21:03

Sweetheart you always seem so down on yourself, I wish you could see what others do

Jackw · 07/05/2015 21:04

I think your response is spot on. Your answer about not meeting her because it's too painful because of her involvement is perfect. And yes, no point getting antagonistic about money and the house at this stage - he isn't being mean and that must be a small relief amongst all the horrible stuff.

I agree this woman and her set up are deeply weird. All projecting this image of sensible, mature adults on the surface but a total lack of compassion, decency and self-control underneath. What must her poor son think with all these adults circling around each other playing nice while playing away.

TurnipCake · 07/05/2015 21:04

No one would be laughing at you. Promise. Not even close.

HootyMcTooty · 07/05/2015 21:05

Ooh yes, go to a good makeup counter and tell them what sort of look you want, it's fab!

Nobody's going to laugh at you, plus you get to put the word out about what he's been up to and then blame the booze when your stbxh complains about it

Vivacia · 07/05/2015 21:05

Well because my H fucked some pretty girl at work and left me ... I feel like a joke

Well, if you think they might think this way then they are not the kind of men you should be choosing to spend time with. I can't think of anyone I know nowadays who would have this reaction. I think most people who knew half of this story would react like all of us have.

It's nice to get your make-up done by someone else and to pick up some advice from the experts. My SIL does it a couple of times a year.

Christinayangstwistedsister · 07/05/2015 21:05

No Ophelia he is the joke for leaving an amazing woman and two kids for a whore that shags In the cupboard

parsnipbob · 07/05/2015 21:08

Oh love you are not a joke. It's not your fault this has happened

BeyonceRiRiMadonna · 07/05/2015 21:10

He said they will not be meeting OW this weekend as she feels that its unfair on me and he should allow more time for me to adjust. She said if it would make me feel better to meet her before hand she would do as she knows some women like her ex's new gf (who also has kids) insist they have to meet any new gfs before the kids do.

Oh Dear God! The only logical explanation for this paragraph is that she must be crazy, like, escaped from mental asylum crazy! That is the only way to logically explain this???!?!?!?!

Original poster

OpheliaRose · 07/05/2015 21:10

I'm not really very good with make up i can just about manage mascara and some eye liner. I tried eye shadow a few times but i always feel like i look like a clown. I tried youtube tutorials once but i just can't seem to get it right. I've always wanted to have that sexy winged eyeliner look. I've seen lots of pics of OW she is really good with amazing eyeliner looks (surprisingly she doesn't wear a lot of make up) so now i'm worried people will say i'm trying to copy her.

I know they wont laugh at me really its just my mind messing with me :(

OP posts:

Weebirdie · 07/05/2015 21:12

Ophelia go out with you brother and his mates and to hell with some of them knowing your husband and not just because they've probably never seen him through rose tinted glasses.

And yes to the make up counter. Its something I did and even though I only use a minimal amount of products due to my bad eyesight I have to say it does make a difference to how I feel about myself. You dont have to be plastered in the stuff, just a light hand with a few products and hey presto

TurnipCake · 07/05/2015 21:14

Lisa Eldridge's video on 'Meeting the Ex' got me into make up again. And her voice is very soothing, I could listen to her all day

Christinayangstwistedsister · 07/05/2015 21:14

Get ye to the Mac counter! Book in a session with them , they are amazing

A new look would be good for the new Phee, you have been focused on being a wife and mother for a long time, it's time to think about you

Phoenix0x0 · 07/05/2015 21:15

But... her bit of fun in the office after hours has suddenly turned into an apparently exclusive relationship where she is meeting the inlaws and the children. He may be railroading her into this situation as much as he is Phee. It may be that she is using the excuse of sparing Phee's feelings to slow things right down and plan her escape

This ^^^^^^.

I think I happen to agree, it kind of explains the she said....to spare my feelings we all know she only thinks of herself

Being bloody minded, I would ask to meet her......and WATCH HER SQUIRM.

And YOU ARE NOT A JOKE! I get a little intimidated with those counters too...but it could be a laugh (my friend at uni p, would visit a counter before going out at night )

Oo and maybe go out with DB....so he can meet your friend

HootyMcTooty · 07/05/2015 21:17

Lovey, if it makes you feel any better, I know a few people at work who are having affairs, I think they're cunts. One of them let me support her through a similar situation to yours and is now doing the same to another poor woman. I told her she's being played by a cunt and I feel for his wife. Her attitude that it's not her marriage is stupid and she knows that's how I feel.

Good people don't laugh about this sort of thing, even if they have no power to change it. What's happened is no reflection on you, not even a tiny bit.

Vivacia · 07/05/2015 21:18

I have found them to be really helpful and sensitive to my usual (1990s) approach whilst listening to me ask for advice on lipstick or whatever.

Nobody will think you are copying her if you wear some make-up on a night out.

MaMaof04 · 07/05/2015 21:19

Ophelie dear
What do you think about an answer along the lines:

''It took me time to respond to your e-mail as I tried to formulate it so as not to hurt you or her. If it still hurts then please accept my apologies. It was not my intention.
Thank you for all the advices you have been giving me up to now. Please just remember that they all have been unsolicited.
When you decided to leave US, I decided that I am going to take advice from experts/professionals/my parents and friends regarding what is best for MY twins. I never thought of raising them in such an environment as a single mum but I am confident that I will find my way to be the best mum. I possess the basic qualities needed for that: loyalty- love - commitment and decency.
Before I continue, I want to reiterate that my intention is not to hurt you or her here. I will write some truth but as we all know well truth might be painful sometimes- so my apologies again.

So, if experts/my parents and friends advise me to meet her then I shall, even if - my sincere apologies again - it gives me a bit of nausea to meet a woman who gives BJ in stationary cupboards to a married father of babies.''
In the future when he/she tells you how to behave with the kids just tell her/him:
Thank you for the advice, but I hope you are not hurt if I do rely on specific people to help me raise MY twins to become honest, loyal and decent people. "

Weebirdie · 07/05/2015 21:19

Ophelia, Im as blind as a bat and could never really wear make up but a few years ago I really felt that I wanted to so I got a make up artist to come to the house and sort me out in private. But Ive also had a few sessions at Bobby Brown in a department store.

I still get the make up artist to come and do me at home for weddings and occasions but for everyday I can put a bit of a face on myself with a few products. I find a nicely matched foundation/base makes all the difference when you're feeling awful because your heart is broken. You will even be taught how to conceal and blend so you can hide shadows under your eyes if you've been crying of not sleeping properly.

As for winged eyeliner - go for it!!!!!

TurnipCake · 07/05/2015 21:21

Yes, bitch doesn't have the monopoly on eyeliner.

Fearless91 · 07/05/2015 21:21

Ophelia you are not silly and nobody is laughing at you.

Go shopping and get some lovely clothes that'll make you feel great. Get a makeover on one of those counters (as suggested) or get a friend to do one on you. Go out and have a good time! If you aren't enjoying yourself you can always leave and go home.

I've said it already but I am so amazed by how you are handling all this. I can't begin to imagine how I would be, and I know you hurt SO much right now, but you are amazing and fantastic and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Original poster

OpheliaRose · 07/05/2015 21:22

hooty I just don't understand how any woman can justify affairs. how can they do that to another person?

OP posts:

Vivacia · 07/05/2015 21:22

Lisa Eldridge's video on 'Meeting the Ex'

The fact that that exists is amazing.

Christinayangstwistedsister · 07/05/2015 21:23

I got my full make up done at Frasers a few ayers, I bounced home thinking I looked smashing and asked ds (6 at the time) what do you think of mummy, he replied " Is that for your Halloween?"... He was serious

HootyMcTooty · 07/05/2015 21:23

Make sure you ask for waterproof mascara too! I'm mildly obsessed with make up and it's really good fun. People won't think you're copying, they'll think bloody good on Phee, dusting herself off and getting on with life!

Original poster

OpheliaRose · 07/05/2015 21:24

awwww ladies you are all making me cry by your kind words. I guess I should give it a try at the make up counter. I just feel so inexperience ... its almost like going on a date with someone you know is more experienced than you

OP posts:

Christinayangstwistedsister · 07/05/2015 21:25

Yes but it's fun learning

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