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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair - Learning to Cope Part 4

984 replies

OpheliaRose · 07/05/2015 19:05

Many you will have read my threads 1 2 3

I found out almost 3 weeks ago that my husband was having an affair with a girl from his work. Not only where they exchanging flirty messages but had also had blow jobs and sex at the office when confronted my Husband told me he had feelings for the OW and would be leaving me for her.

3 weeks on and the pain I feel is still unbearable, he has been spending time with OW and her child, wants to have our Twins EoW and is planning on introducing the Twins sooner rather than later as the OW will be a big part of his and their life. Heart broken doesn't even cover what I am currently feeling and experiencing

I have decided to file for divorce on grounds of adultery but as its currently stands will not be naming the OW. This is not an easy choice for me to make however I do not think it will make me feel any better because apart from the courts, me Husband and OW no one will know. They appear to feel no shame at their actions anyway so what good would it do.

I want to thank all you wonderful ladies for your continued support at this very hard time for me.

OP posts:
Earsareconstantlyringing · 07/05/2015 19:40

OK, I posted my last post before I saw your update. Like oh-so-wise Vivacia says, everything he says is about her, and what she thinks. She plays no part in decisions about your children. This is about what YOU think it right, what you feel comfortable about and what you and he together can decide as a best course of action.

I can't get over his determination to hold up WF as some paragon of virtue in all of this. Phee, my love, how do you feel about meeting her? I know when it was my ex-H, I wanted to at least look the woman who would be getting to spend time with my child in the eye, but she hadn't been part of our marriage breakdown, so it was a hell of a lot easier.

Focus on what you think is right for your children. Don't be swayed by his attempts to make WF a saint, do what you believe is right.

Sending you much love.

Vivacia · 07/05/2015 19:41

Ok, pack it in Vivacia.

Phee how can we best support you?

MerryMarigold · 07/05/2015 19:42

Phoenix, yeah you've got the nail on the head. I felt like it was super patronising, but you sum it up perfectly. Ophelia, whose life has been shattered but who is holding it together so admirably is the Child and they, who are acting like teenagers, egocentric and unable to see what they have done, are the adults. It's so ironic and twisted, I could cry.

Weebirdie · 07/05/2015 19:43

"I think considering that she was giving a married man blowjobs in the stationery cupboard, and you were referring to her as wank fodder, only days ago, we're probably better off not taking parenting advice from her".

Please Ophelia, this really is the time to make it very clear what you think of them.

Its time to put her gas at a peep as my granny would say.

And yes - when is he receiving the letter because my fear is that he may have already gone to a lawyer or is planning on seeing one very soon and you really dont want him to get in there first.

HoggleHoggle · 07/05/2015 19:48

What a lot for you to process today ophelia.

How do you feel about ex's email? I am glad money worries at least are off your mind for the time being, although it's yet another example of him taking control and dictating terms. He may also being trying to paint himself as super reasonable for legal reasons, and is preparing to fight dirty in terms of custody etc.

I agree with pp that you need to make sure your solicitor gets their letter out ASAP.

Sending many good thoughts and admiration your way.

Losingmyreligion · 07/05/2015 19:50

No mention of what Cuntface and WF think is best for the twins I notice. Breathtaking in their self absorption. Just breathtaking.

parsnipbob · 07/05/2015 19:50

Good lord. Can't believe their nerve

Sending you hugs Phee.

smellsofsick · 07/05/2015 19:53

I want to bang their stupid adulterous heads together.

Other than that (and please let me know if I can offer that service), stay strong, detached and in charge. Thinking of you.

Cacofonix · 07/05/2015 19:58

Checking in on new thread and saying hello again Ophelia. I don't need to tell you how well you are doing and things will get better.

holdingontight · 07/05/2015 20:00

Hello Phee my lovely glad to see the new thread. Your H actions are wholly more shocking when the super quick time line is considered.
You are doing so well, so much more than keeping on keeping on. Hoping you can have a restful night tonight Smile

It sounds to me like he is making his demands again. Even if he's putting it nicely - and sounds like he is using friendly language to keep you on side - he doesn't get to tell you when is the best time for him. Please consider if the proposed works for you and DTs before you say yes.

And as for WF she has played her hand : not for one second is she thinking of meeting DTs in terms of them she is dressing it up to H as what is best for you. He may think it shows her thoughtfulness etc etc but to me it shows her absolute disregard for the consequences of their actions on your DTs.

And as said before, so helpful of H to point out her - and his - feelings on matter of contact etc. But H needs to know you're not in the habit of considering the best parenting advice to come from the WF on her knees in the cupboard. Or the man who thinks it's acceptable to let your DTs spend time with the colleague he refers to as 'WF'.

Thinking of you lots -- I have bouts of insomnia and swear by the clipper tea called snore and peace . 2 cups and sound asleep within 20 minutes GrinGrin

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 07/05/2015 20:01

Sorry its just taken me a minute to catch up with all your posts.

I haven't responded to him yet but am thinking of saying that I would not like to me OW as her part in the break down of our marriage is too painful. I plan to say i am glad they will not be meeting the OW and will ask him to wait at least 6 months before introducing them as it is best for our twins who are still very young and confused by the whole situation.

As for the money situation i know it sound patronising on his part but it could be a lot worse so I am happy to agree with those terms for now. The house i'm still not sure about ideally i would like to keep it but I wont be able to afford to buy him out so i will think on that and talk in more detail with my solicitor.

I don't know that I am happy in any form that he will be having the children this weekend but he is their dad and also I need a break its very hard having them 24/7

As i understand it my solicitor was dealing with the letter asap so he will soon know.

OP posts:
MerryKat · 07/05/2015 20:02

Hello phee
Glad things are going ok. I'm gobsmacked at the email and totally agree with the posters above who think this is all about painting him and her in a positive light. Oh aren't we reasonable?!! Isn't she thoughtful considering your feelings now?!!
Use this fake behaviour to your advantage and get agreements to all the things you need for you and the twins. I suspect he will start being less "considerate" as time goes on. The twat :(

JohnFarleysRuskin · 07/05/2015 20:02

I'd go with vivacias reply. But I prob would add something like - it's good she and her ex h get on - was her ex h screwing her and his new gf at the same time too?

Joysmum · 07/05/2015 20:04

If you can, start composing a letter referencing contact with WF in accordance to generally accepted best practice. Make it plain that deviation from this will be them putting themselves before the wellbeing of the children.

If you can't do this, ask your solicitor to do it instead. Their bubble needs bursting.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 07/05/2015 20:06

Wfs opinions are ... Pathetic but the way he relays them back to you like some love sick sadist is horrendous.

tumbletime · 07/05/2015 20:06

So when you say it's not right for the kids to meet WF so soon he basically tells you it's going to happen so deal with it but when WF says it's not right then suddenly that's the wisest thing ever and of course they shouldn't meet so soon?!! Unbelievable. I never knew I could so strongly hate someone I've never even met before. Hope you're doing okay Phee. X

Weebirdie · 07/05/2015 20:06

Ophelia, please dont put it in black and white as to how much this pair has hurt you because they will never understand. And whats more, you really don't want to go down in their folklore as someone who was as devastated as you are because being the sad twisted feckers they are - they will get off on it.

Be assertive and say what Vivacia has said, or something very similar to it, but please, no more telling them how much you are hurt.

Ubik1 · 07/05/2015 20:10

She said if it would make me feel better to meet her before hand she would do as she knows some women like her ex's new gf (who also has kids) insist they have to meet any new gfs before the kids do.

Wow. How cool. Hmm
She really is a piece of work. I'd let him know that you are not interested in what OW thinks about contact. It's between you and DH. Her cosy arrangements are irrelevant.

TurnipCake · 07/05/2015 20:12

The sheer gall of them! He really needs to get a cluepon.

He seems to be determined to force some kind of friendliness and ease between you all, but her situation with her ex is very different, and this dipshit needs to accept that.

'No' is a complete sentence. You don't to justify or explain anything.

Cold hard steel Smile

FriendofBill · 07/05/2015 20:16

At this point, you can insist he sees DT at your parents for a few hours here and there.
At 2 years old 2 overnights are not really in their best interests. You are their stability.
You need to offer a couple of slots by email to show / evidence you are not blocking contact.
Specify that you are not prepared to discuss the introduction of any new partner at this time.
The OW has no right, no need, no thing to offer your DTs at this time.
I know you are heartbroken but you really don't have to put up with this utterly selfish shit.

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 07/05/2015 20:17

He's always thought her opinions are fantatsic. I've recently be going over conversations we'd had about her previously before he suspiciously stopped mentioning her and he was always singing her praises or saying X says this etc ... what a fool I was

OP posts:
FriendofBill · 07/05/2015 20:18

They actually are unhinged.

Weebirdie · 07/05/2015 20:19

You weren't a fool, you were an ordinary girl who didn't understand the seedy side of life.

Do not every be ashamed of that.

FriendofBill · 07/05/2015 20:19

I mean, he's seen his children twice (?) since he left and is angling to introduce someone new into their lives?
He needs to secure his own position first.

RomaFlo · 07/05/2015 20:20

Ophelia, how you are even still standing I just don't know, but somehow you are!
I know you can't see it right now but you're truly an amazingly strong woman and I have to say that your boys are so lucky to have such a flipping good mum.