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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse

721 replies

cailindana · 10/03/2015 14:17

I started a thread some time ago as a support for people who suffered sexual abuse as children. It went on for quite some time and I think people found it helpful. It fizzled out for various reasons but I'm thinking now is a time to get it going again.

I was abused as a child, by two family friends. My family entirely ignored it, and when I tried to talk to my mother about it she basically told me to shut up. It affected my life massively as a teenager and led to some self-destructive behaviour in my twenties. But with the help of my massively supportive DH (without whom I don't know where I'd have ended up), MN, and some really great friends, I feel like I've dealt with it to a large extent and it no longer has such a hold on my life.

This thread is intended for people who want to talk about their experiences with abuse - either themselves, or those they love. You can share as much or as little as you like. You can just come on and say you're here, you don't have to contribute anything. This will be a safe space to chat to people who understand what you're dealing with. Hopefully it will help.

OP posts:
Elfina · 12/03/2015 18:07

I don't really have friends to talk it through with, and DH cannot really handle it.

Psychologists are notorious for not dealing with their own stuff - this is one of the main reasons why. Confidentiality applies, naturally, but it's extremely hard knowing that you are in essence, sharing the most personal stuff with someone you could easily bump into in a professional context.

Cream, what sort of support are you getting. I'm going to purposefully post in this thread as an 'equal'. I won't give a professional opinion unless specifically asked.

Original poster
cailindana · 12/03/2015 18:11

Has your DH said he can't handle it Elfina?

OP posts:
BisleyBoy · 12/03/2015 18:13

My psych and I had a mildly jokey/flirtatious relationship which was fine and we got on well. Now that's gone and he seems very cautious around me. I find that can happen with men. It leaves me feeling like an untouchable.

BisleyBoy · 12/03/2015 18:17

I just feel like screaming 'I'm still the same person I was before you found out about it and I don't feel threatened by decent men!' I think they think I will feel threatened by all men and so tend to majorly back off. I know they mean well, but it's frustrating.

Original poster
cailindana · 12/03/2015 18:20

From the little you've said there Bisley your therapist sounds a bit shit. I'd be worried he'll do you no good in the long run.

OP posts:
BisleyBoy · 12/03/2015 18:23

He's not my therapist. He's my psychiatrist. My therapist is female.

Original poster
cailindana · 12/03/2015 18:25

Ah. And what's your therapist like? I've never had a good experience with a psychiatrist.

OP posts:
BisleyBoy · 12/03/2015 18:29

Before meeting my current one, neither have I. He's very nice and talks me through possible treatment options and let's me decide things for myself. My therapist is fine. She seems to care about me. I had a breakthrough the other day-I actually cried in the session. I usually never cry in front of people, except dh.

BisleyBoy · 12/03/2015 18:29

Sorry that should be neither had I.

Original poster
cailindana · 12/03/2015 18:30

That's a great step Bisley. I haven't cried in a long time - I don't if it's because I don't need to, or can't. I suppose I will if I need to (maybe?)

OP posts:
LucyBabs · 12/03/2015 18:42

Hi Everyone..

I am so glad I found this thread. It never occurred to me to search for something like this.

cailindana Thank you Flowers

I'd love to type out what happened in my life and have all of your opinions and maybe advice if that isn't too much to ask of you all?

BisleyBoy · 12/03/2015 18:45

lucybabs that sounds like a good idea. I think I may do the same later when I have more time.

LucyBabs · 12/03/2015 18:49

Thanks bisleyboy I'm sorry to read you are having a tough time lately.
I have reached the end of my brave face and actually lying to myself about how I am. I'm on ad's too but my gp has suggested Zanaz. Although I know it can be addictive. I really don't need to add that to my list Sad

Original poster
cailindana · 12/03/2015 18:54

Please do feel free to write out what's on your mind Lucy.

OP posts:
Coldteaandafag · 12/03/2015 19:03

Hi all Im a survivor.

I was abused by my step brother when I was 7-8 for about a year and only just starting to 'deal' with it. I have a psychiatric session coming up (when I finally get the appointment) but it looks as if they are not that great Sad

Hope your all well Flowers

Original poster
cailindana · 12/03/2015 19:05

I'm well thanks tea. How are you doing?

OP posts:
BubbleGirl01 · 12/03/2015 19:19

I was abused by an older sister and her friend (we are all girls), quite extreme stuff went on. I know my mother knew it was going on and when I brought it up a few years ago when I was 40, she blamed it on 'the 16 year old babysitter' and told me to get over it. She has since cut me off (as have siblings due to her being the 'gatekeeper') but that was also due to me confronting her about her physically and emotionally abusing me.

I had EMDR last year and it brought up a strong sense that I would lie there and shut up so they could get on with it and my mum wouldn't hear. I was protecting my mother in a way so she didn't have to deal with it. I always blamed myself especially as my mother constantly told me I was filthy, disgusting and evil. Sister was the golden girl who used to beat me up for sneaking out in her clothes because I was never bought any and had to wait for her cast offs. My sister is only 4 years older than me so I have tried to excuse it as childish experimentation but it was far from that. I have a photo of her and me at the time it was going on. I only came up to her chest, was stick thin and looked so sad.

It has blown my mind how fucked up my family is tbh. I totally normalised them and the dysfunction until I started therapy. I sometimes feel like I am damaged beyond repair but I am trying to repair myself gradually by learning to actually like myself which is bloody hard.

I am married with 4DC and suffer from severe anxiety and have a label of PTSD but that is because I have had other traumatic stuff happen to me as an adult.

I get flashes of extreme rage that my mother has made me out to be the bad guy after I brought this up and has made herself out to be the victim. That has hurt me much more than the abuse.

Flowers to all who have had to experience this.

Elfina · 12/03/2015 19:19

No. But any slightly difficult issues are hard for him. He physically squirms, and then cracks jokes to relieve his anxiety. It's not worth it, for either of us.

LucyBabs · 12/03/2015 19:20

OK so here goes!

I was sexually abused by my older brother from the time I was 9 till around 12 years of age.
I didn't know it was wrong at the time and I've never said this out loud but I enjoyed it Blush obviously not in a sexual way but I suppose in a messed up comfort way. I sometimes went looking for my brother in the house so I could have the attention. I feel sick about that part of it Sad

I came from a big family and it seemed to go unnoticed and I never told anyone.
I had a great relationship with my Mam but couldn't tell her. My father was an alcoholic.
I can remember my brother teasing me one day,taking my bike away from me while I was out with my friends. He was 17 at the time so hanging around the street with his friends. I whispered to him if he didn't give my bike back I was "Gona tell Mammy you touch me and make me touch you"
He laughed in my face and said "I'll just tell her the truth, that you climbed into my bed and touched my privates first"
I was devastated thinking it was true and hated myself.

Eventually he stopped abusing me when he had his first girlfriend.

My life spiralled out of control. Skipping school, drinking, taking drugs and lying about everything. The only thing I couldn't do was sleep around.
I couldn't bare to have anyone touch me and I'd feel sick if I was with a boy and I saw his penis.

The saddest part is no one noticed not even my Mam.

I never looked for help. I thought I'd got off lightly, I just had a few issues with sex big deal. People had it worse than me.

I've had a lot of bereavement the last few years I lost my parents within four months of each other and I had pnd. I coped pretty well but recently I discovered my three sisters knew about the abuse.
They didn't know the full extent, they were shocked to hear how bad it was.

It was a weight lifted that someone knew and believed me!

I told my brother i wanted nothing to do with him again and that I had the support of my sisters.

I haven't heard from him at all.

My sisters now just want it to go away, swept under the carpet again.

I think this is why I feel low. I'm kind of back to square one.
I want help but I'm so afraid. Its going to mean I'll have to report my brother and I just don't think I'm strong enough to cope with the fall out.

I just want to feel happy and content in my own skin.

I have a dp and two dc, they are everything to me. I want and have to get help for their sake too.

I'm sorry my post is so long.

Its good to type it out though, so thanks if you made it to the end Smile

BubbleGirl01 · 12/03/2015 19:23

I normally let the rage out when the DCs are at school and I am batteringplumping the sofa cushions. It can be quite effective.

Original poster
cailindana · 12/03/2015 19:35

Thanks for sharing that Bubble. My mother's reaction affected me more badly than the abuse in many ways. My abusers were just evil but my mother was supposed to love me. I've found it very hard grieving for the loss of a true parent (my father is a total waste of space.) Are you still in therapy?

OP posts:
Coldteaandafag · 12/03/2015 19:45

Omg lucy that mirrors me Shock

That has just blown my mind. I can only put it down to that I was hungry for attention as both my parents were busy leading other lives with there new families. How sad. How terribly sad. My DP has drummed it in to me that I was NOT accountable as I was so young. It's what has finally made me go for help as I was disgusted in myself. Looking back I started having sex dreams at that time and wetting the bed and no one batted an eye lid (both are classic abuse signs)

I'm so angry for me as a little girl - who was protecting me or any of us? If I could go back in time I would rescue me and look after me. I'm NC with my mum and very little contact with my dad. Neither of them
Know. There was also a later incident when I was about ten with my step uncle, my dad was oblivious to that too, I could actually see him from where i was.

Tbh I don't know if this thread will be good for me, I'm sat here fuming now

Sorry

BisleyBoy · 12/03/2015 19:45

My mothers reaction to it when I finally told her (when I was 22) also hurt me deeply. In some ways it was worse than the abuse itself. I told her that my step-father has abused me and she said (and I quote) 'oh did he?' And then started playing with the cat that was sitting next to her. I will never forgive her for that.

Coldteaandafag · 12/03/2015 19:49

Im sorry for that bisley you were very brave and she was shit.

Elfina · 12/03/2015 19:49

God, I feel like everyone was abused by a family member, which is so much worse. I'm not sure I should be here.