Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse

[cailindana]

I started a thread some time ago as a support for people who suffered sexual abuse as children. It went on for quite some time and I think people found it helpful. It fizzled out for various reasons but I'm thinking now is a time to get it going again.

I was abused as a child, by two family friends. My family entirely ignored it, and when I tried to talk to my mother about it she basically told me to shut up. It affected my life massively as a teenager and led to some self-destructive behaviour in my twenties. But with the help of my massively supportive DH (without whom I don't know where I'd have ended up), MN, and some really great friends, I feel like I've dealt with it to a large extent and it no longer has such a hold on my life.

This thread is intended for people who want to talk about their experiences with abuse - either themselves, or those they love. You can share as much or as little as you like. You can just come on and say you're here, you don't have to contribute anything. This will be a safe space to chat to people who understand what you're dealing with. Hopefully it will help.

Thank you so much for sharing that gbuk. It chimes so much with my experience in many ways that it brought tears to my eyes.

My parents also thought parenting involved just the mechanics of shelter and food. No affection, my feelings were entirely irrelevant, everything revolves around what people think. Any emotion was treated with contempt, I was also told to "get over it." The trauma of such cruel treatment doesn't really leave you I think. For me in many ways it was worse than the abuse.

You sound like an incredibly strong person. I am so glad you've felt able to talk about it here. Please do keep talking if it helps.

Have you told anyone in real life?

I know I'm just speaking from my own point of view Elephants but I wouldn't mention it in a vague way, I'd be quite direct about it. Use the words he used, but say that you realise what a significant thing it is and you're aware of how hard it might be to talk about it. IME survivors need a lot of reassurance and a lot of ground laid before they'll take the step of talking - vague references might lead to him thinking you're not very serious about talking about it, that you're embarrassed, that you don't get how important it is. Simply mentioning it, even without any details, can send a survivor into a tailspin. If you provide a solid offer to help that can really be a lifeline.

To add, mentioning it is likely to have been a massive step for him. It's likely he's been ruminating over mentioning it, feeling stressed and worried. Just him mentioning it, especially if he's normally a reserved person, is a big sign that he wants to talk. Of course he may back off, but IMO you need to take the next step and say you get it and you are available to talk.

Read 'the courage to heal' by Ellen Bass.
U do not need to carry any shame ot guilt it isn't yours.
Anger is the backbone of healing. Find safe ways to release the anger.

Thank you Cailindana. I've only told my DH, who has tried hard to be supportive and understanding and it does help having someone who knows, but unless you've actually been through it I guess it's not possible really to totally understand sexual abuse. He couldn't see why I didn't immediately run home after the abuse (my grandfather took me for a walk in the country) and tell someone as he thinks this is what he would have done in the same circumstances.

Sometimes I have been so tempted to try and talk to my parents about it, but I know really this would not have a good outcome and would destroy the superficial surface relationship we have ended up with. But it does cross my mind sometimes, quite a lot really, that I am angry that they didn't protect me and that a lot of the things they dislike about me have come about because of the upbringing they "provided". In my dreams they give me a hug, say how awful it must have been, how sorry they are that I have been hurt. The reality would be very different.

You know, it's only been during the last few years that I have realised just how bad my childhood was - not the sexual abuse part, the rest of it. Someone earlier on the thread (sorry I forget who) said they had "normalised" their childhood. I think I have done the same. In a funny sort of way it half makes me think this contributed to my being at risk of the abuse in the first place, while at the same time, it makes me feel guilty that the sort of child I was made it somehow my own fault.

My parents definitely contributed to the abuse, not knowingly, but through their neglect and the fact that they ignored my feelings. At one point, the abuser offered to give me and his daughter a bath together (they were staying with us). Even at 6 I knew that was weird and I objected but my mother insisted I go and be bathed by a strange man with a strange child. She gave the abuser carte blanche to do what he did.

gbuk - you say "it makes me feel guilty that the sort of child I was made it somehow my own fault." Can you explain a bit more what you mean?

And I totally agree with the "normalising" your childhood thing. I think everyone does it, people from happy and unhappy homes alike. I used to think as a teenager that I had a very ordinary life, very stable and basically good. It's only looking back that I see my home was a place of silence and secrets, no affection, no support, no praise, no happiness. It is hard to reevaluate things and see such misery but it also helps in letting go of the effects of it. It also gives me hope that my children's upbringing will be better.

I'm just checking in to say I'm here for now if that's ok?
I'm a survivor of ritualised abuse. I am a bit worried to say more for fear of not being believed.

We will believe you grewup. We have no agenda here, there will be no interrogation. You can just say what you want to say.

Post whenever you feel able.

BTW grewup, I absolutely do believe that ritualised abuse exists. It was absolutely rife in the Catholic church, thousands suffered it. It was mind-bogglingly awful. You will be believed.

I'll try...I always feel as though everything is my fault, and have done as long as I can remember. For example if my mother is upset about or by one of my siblings, I feel it is somehow down to me. Even if I have had no contact with that sibling, and have no idea what has gone on to lead up to my mothers upset, I feel it is in some way my fault and that it is up to me to find a solution or make it better. I've used my mother as an example, but I get this feeling of guilt in all sorts of arenas, I have done as far back as my memory goes.

I feel a bad person and I feel I am overly affected compared to others....other little girls go for a walk with their grandfather but are not abused. other teenagers get pregnant but are not forced to abort their baby. Other women go through marriage break ups but do not lose their children (even temporarily) and I suppose I feel other people don't get to have to face ALL of those things as I have had to. And now I sound self pitying, which I don't mean to do.

Thank you Cailin.

As my nn (and yes I have name changed) suggests, I was raised in it. My parents were actively and daily involved. I developed DID to cope. Moved half way around the world to get away from them.

10 years later and I'm still terrified to speak about it.
One person knows, my therapist but otherwise I present to the world as a total competent professional high achieving complete mess on the inside person.

You don't sound self-pitying. It's human nature to learn from patterns in our lives, and what you've learned from the pattern of difficulties you've experienced is that there is something wrong with you, that you are somehow at fault for what has gone on. That's normal - you need to feel some control over the things you experienced and you gain that by pinning the blame on yourself.

But you weren't to blame. You were let down, massively, by people who should have been protecting you. You were a child, and a young teen. You were stuck in a hopeless marriage. You were doing the best you could. And the people around you who should have been helping you turned their backs on you or actively hurt you. But you dealt with what life threw at you anyway. You survived. That is remarkable. You have a lot to be proud of. You feel guilty for your mum's feelings because you are good person who wants to love and be loved. There is nothing wrong with that.

You are not to blame.

You can speak about it here grewup, if you want to. We understand. We will not judge you and we will not think you're a mess.

grewupinacult I am so sorry, that must have been terrible

Cailindana thank you. Thank you so much

gbuk

You won't be judged. Sometimes finding out people who at least can say "yep I get it" can make a big difference even if experiences have been different for each person.

My step father (although he was always bought up as my father as real dad has never been around) abused me from 14-18. My mum has a disability and he would say how they only time he felt good or happy or ok was when he was with me. Sometimes I wild wake up to find him recording me whilst I was asleep. There was a hidden camera in my room so he could see me getting changed.

I've been in therapy for nearly four years and that has made a huge huge difference.

Thank you for sharing that Caulk. Sorry that you went through it.

How are you doing at the moment?

I'm generally ok. I haven't spoken to anyone in the family for a week, and that has been good. I've lost the fear that I will need to see him somewhen and so that helps. No one in my family knows about, so that is hard, but I'm better than I have been!

That's very good news. I'm very low contact with my family. It's done me the world of good though of course I still have complicated feelings about duty and obligation and the sadness around not really having parents. I'll be seeing them in the summer and I have been thinking about it a bit - it's not a massive issue but it is bothering me. I think no contact would be better but I can't quite get to that point.

Thanks for joining Iwas. How are you doing at the moment?

How are you doing gbuk?

Thanks again Cailin, so much. I would hate to push anyone in this situation, and it's hard to phrase it right ("I'd be happy to hear all about it" for instance is ridiculously wrong - but "it's fine if you want to talk about it" sounds reluctant and half-hearted) but I get what you say about making sure he knows I take it seriously, and laying groundwork. Really thanks so much for taking the time.

And everyone on this thread (and friends who've been through this) - I take my hat off to you all. You are some of the bravest people around, even if it doesn't feel like it all the time.