Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse

[cailindana]

I started a thread some time ago as a support for people who suffered sexual abuse as children. It went on for quite some time and I think people found it helpful. It fizzled out for various reasons but I'm thinking now is a time to get it going again.

I was abused as a child, by two family friends. My family entirely ignored it, and when I tried to talk to my mother about it she basically told me to shut up. It affected my life massively as a teenager and led to some self-destructive behaviour in my twenties. But with the help of my massively supportive DH (without whom I don't know where I'd have ended up), MN, and some really great friends, I feel like I've dealt with it to a large extent and it no longer has such a hold on my life.

This thread is intended for people who want to talk about their experiences with abuse - either themselves, or those they love. You can share as much or as little as you like. You can just come on and say you're here, you don't have to contribute anything. This will be a safe space to chat to people who understand what you're dealing with. Hopefully it will help.

You should be elfina you were abused and let down by your parents too

Lucy, enjoying the abuse is entirely normal and nothing to be ashamed of. You don't have to report your brother - you can seek help without doing that. It must be very hard to have your sisters ignore what happened.

cailindana your really brave starting this thread.

I couldn't afford any more therapy Cailin! I had around 3 years worth on and off. Just uncovered more and more shit!

My father walked out when I was around 6 (abuse started at around 7/8). Never saw him again until I was 38. I blamed him for not taking me with him and could never get past that. He remarried and brought up someone else's children. He used to send me emails about how he was organising his stepdaughter's wedding which was going to be a grand affair by all accounts. My wedding was small, cheap and quiet and he wasn't there, my twat of a stepfather gave me away, thanking DH for getting me off his hands. I did not have one friend to invite as I had none due to being so introverted and full of self loathing. My mother even refused to come with me to find a wedding dress so I had to go on my own .

I was made out to be a leper within my family (7 siblings) and I am sure that stems from the abuse. My mother would not have it that my golden girl sister could have instigated it, it must have been me. I was very withdrawn, hid my periods starting for months. I was raped at the age of 22 by a work colleague and did nothing about it, just blocked it out and carried on.

I have never confronted my sister about it, much to DH's annoyance. She has had fragile mental health (her's matters, mine doesn't, ha!) and was suicidal at one point, I wonder if she may have been abused herself, although she is an absolute bitch and always made derogatory personal remarks against me up until I last saw her a few years ago.

One thing is for sure, I never allow my DTs who share a room to stay in there with the doors closed for long periods of time. I am always on high alert for anything like that. Sickens me that I would even have any thought of any of my DCs doing that .

It's as much a support for me as you guys tea. Elfina, there are no rules for who should be here, please stay.

I think anyone who feels they want to post here should.

My mum has been in denial for many years. Every time I ever got upset she would ignore me or talk over me in a slightly panicked way and I think she was terrified of what she might hear. I feel like it was hidden in plain sight and everyone else got to ignore it.

I can't remember a lot of it but I remember enough. DH knows and has been great but one friend really upset me recently, I mentioned how my future kids would not be able to see my parents ever and she said why, would they not want a relationship with them?

Guess she forgot my disclosure then.

Elfina Please stay! don't think because your abuse wasn't family related that it's any less awful

coldtea I have a lump in my throat and I'm also fuming too on our behalf!
I too had sex dreams, I was so confused about my sexuality as a young teen.
I thought I would become an abuser too

bubblegirl I have a ds and dd and I watch them very closely while they play.
I don't think it's wrong. I wish my parents had watched me and my siblings closer. They may have picked up on inappropriate behaviour before the abuse even started.
My brother has sent a few cocky texts to one of my sisters. Not mentioning the abuse but its basically two fingers to me.

cailindana When I have spoke with the RCC they have pushed reporting. My brother has three children so he's a risk.

I've had a few comments from the sisters as well. Basically "I asked you as a kid did * abuse you and you ran from the room saying no" Eh yes sister because I was a fucking CHILD and didn't know what to do, you were the adult you should have done more to protect me

I don't want to be angry at anyone but my brother but its tough

What gets me is on here sometimes posters scoff and say "oh yes peeeedoes on every corner" and I feel like shouting "no it's the ones hiding in your fucking house you need to watch" !

I spoke to my dgm briefly about but she told me to ignore it when I was around twenty. I was pissed at the time.

I had really bad vile intrusive thoughts when I had dd. I thought I was going insane. I thought I had a demon on my shoulder.

I've not reported as I don't even know where he is although my half brother, I think is in contact with him, I just couldn't tell my half brother.

I'm just waiting for my phyc appointment, it will be the first time I've spoken about it professionally apart from the GP.

Oh peppermint that's sad about your friend. I've had that too x

coldtea I've had to defend my reasons for not wanting my dd (6) to sleep in the same bed as my nephew (11) I actually said I don't think there's a peado around every corner.. ffs like I needed to defend my reasons.
I think there was a huge thing when i was a kid don't be seen to offend anyone and just go along with the status quo. Well no not for my kids, I couldn't give a flying fuck who I offend. My children will be protected to the best of my ability always.

Aren't the stats something like 1 in 5 girls and 1 in 7 boys will be sexually abused - there is then a paedo on several corners, mostly abusing children known to them.

Don't feel I can post much but it's helpful to read.
I keep getting flashes of anger. I've realised its because my mother has manoevered herself into the victim position, and told relatives I"m crazy etc. This was after I confronted her about her physical abuse of me, not the sexual abuse.

spirt If reading helps then keep reading. If or when you feel up to it you can confide here.

There's an organisation here Ireland called 1in four. It's victims of clerical abuse but the stats show 1 in four Irish people were sexually abused

Hard as it is, I try to be forgiving of friends who put their foot in it. Thankfully there are plenty of people in the world for whom abuse is just a concept, they have no experience of it and they've never really had to think about it. It can sometimes mean they don't realise the implications of what they're saying. My natural reaction is sometimes to be very angry and defensive if a friends says something that doesn't quite chime with how I feel but usually if I just say why it hurt they totally accept that and understand why it was the wrong thing to say. If the person is just a shithead, of course, and couldn't care less about hurting you then there's no hope. But I have found talking to friends massively useful and beneficial. It's an incredibly scary process and does require a great deal of faith and courage (and sometimes, as I say, accepting that the friend just won't get it entirely) but when it works out it's really worth it.

My problem is that I just think what happened to me was not that bad and I'm making a fuss out of nothing. The first thing I remember is that I woke up in the morning to find my step-father at the end of my bed with his hands in my underwear. The rest is just a bit of a blur. I feel very confused by it all.

In fact, I feel like the trust thing is my last hurdle, although I anticipate further and far more difficult hurdles in relation to my children as they get older.

What I have found hard over the years is the need I have had to tell someone while at the same time the (understandable) tendency I have to push people away because I don't trust them. It ruins things. It makes decent, caring people angry when they try to help and I lash out at them (not literally, just by blaming them for some minor slight in order not to get close to them). I have learned the value of allowing another person to help. The kind and decent people in my life, and there are a few, I'm very lucky, have seen it as a privilege and an honour to help me. It has been incredibly healing to have that experience with my DH, particularly, and my best friend. I still have trust issues, I still believe people will hurt me, but I've let down my guard slowly slowly slowly and I've let people in. It's been worth it.

That is an extremely common feeling Bisley - in fact every abuse survivor I've talked to has said the same thing and I feel the same way. Mine wasn't as bad as others, I can't quite remember what happened, what if I'm making it up etc. It's a total headfuck.

Over time I've made peace with the fact that I know bad things happened. I might not remember them in detail but I know they were wrong, I know they hurt my and I know they were bad. I don't have to account to anyone for the truth of them, all that matters is what they mean to me (of course that would be different if I were bringing a case, but I'm not).

There is no scale of how bad things are. No one has the right to touch you without your consent, ever. Your stepfather totally breached your trust. What he did was entirely wrong and it shouldn't have happened. It doesn't matter if "worse" things happen to other people. All that matters is your journey. There's no competition.

Hello, I hope you don't mind me coming in briefly to ask advice - if you'd rather not I totally understand though. A friend has just disclosed to me that he was abused as a child. I've seen a few comments on here about friends asking unhelpful questions, or people brushing it under the carpet. I suppose what I want to know is - when I see him again soon, should I mention it?

I don't want him to think I've forgotten or don't care, because I have a feeling he's at an early stage of remembering/talking about it. But on the other hand is hate for him to feel like it is the main thing about him now he has told me about it - does that make sense?

Any advice on what to say, if anything, appreciated.

I'm place marking. I've been NC with family for a week, part of which is due to the stuff that happened by my step father.

I can't read and join in right now, but I will, if that makes sense.

Things that friends have said that have been helpful to me are "I'm really glad you told me, I want to help you with it if I can, you can talk to me about it whenever you want, would you like to talk about it now?" Not all in one go, obviously, but in the right context.

The fact he mentioned it to you means he feels the need to talk but it can be incredibly hard for a survivor to take the next step and open up more about it. It's common for survivors to feel they're burdening others, that people don't want to hear about it, to worry they'll upset their friend or that their friend will see them differently. If you can, and you're able, it would be worth reassuring him that this hasn't changed your friendship, that you see him in exactly the same way, that you're pleased he trusted you enough to tell you, that you are keen to help in whatever way you can etc. He might say he doesn't want to say any more, and you have to respect that, but I would possibly then bring it up again in a few months, without pressure, and just remind him that you are willing and available to talk. It might take a long time for him to be able to take that step.

That's fine Caulk - I read your other thread. I hope you're doing ok, come back whenever you're able.

Also, Elephant, don't be afraid to just come out and say "I'm willing to talk but don't feel like this is the main thing about you, you're still the same friend to me. I'd just really like to help."

cailin when you said that you can't remember much of what happened and what if you made it up, that was like you had read my mind and typed it out! That is exactly how I feel. I'm terrified that I made it all up and if I have, then that makes me a terrible person and a drama queen (as I've always been told I am)

It's such a common thing it's actually considered a feature of abuse - the feeling that you can't rely on your own memories and that you might be making it up. From my point of view I think it's because some of my memories are so traumatic that I've distanced myself from them so I know they're there in an intellectual sort of way but they don't feel like memories because I can't be in them in the same way I can be "in" a memory of a nice day out or something. Once I'm in those traumatic memories they become flashbacks - it's awful. My mind can't process them without being entirely overrun by them. So I think the distant feeling, the feeling the memories aren't real, is actually a coping and survival mechanism, a way for you to know the memories are there without having to be subject to them.

I also think that part of it is a lack of language to describe what happened. So at the time it happened I didn't have the words to understand what was going on. The memories weren't framed in language, just in sounds and feelings, so I have to put language on it retrospectively as an adult, which is really hard and strange and makes it feel like I'm making it up. I'm not, I'm just trying to interpret something now that I couldn't interpret then.

Thank you for the thread Calindana. I was abused by my Grandfather when I was 11 for about 2 years. I have never told a soul except my DH but it has had such a huge impact on my life that even now at 57 I feel like I am boiling inside when I think about it.

I have never "fitted" with my family, I am the eldest of 4 and I left home at 16, my siblings all seem to be treated better and loved more than me. My parents thought parenting consisted of making sure there was enough to eat and a roof over our heads. I have no memories of being told I was loved, never cuddled, no physical affection whatsoever. I was (am still) told I am a very selfish person and I have always believed this although my DH and DC (I have 4) say I am the least selfish person they know. I have no happy memories of my childhood, in fact I have very few memories of it at all, just a feeling of being unwanted, at fault and a nuisance.

I got pregnant when I was 15 and 1/2 years old and my parents said I had to have an abortion and that if I did it with no fuss they would give consent to us marrying as soon as I was 16. There was no such thing as counselling for pregnant teenagers in the early 70's, no doctor spoke to me, asked me what I wanted, they spoke to my mother. There was no comfort, no support, I was taken to the hospital and left there (they did buy me a magazine to take in with me which my mother seemed to think was very thoughtful). I was in hospital for 4 days and had no visitors except the baby's father. The whole thing was hushed up and no one else told. I remember 3 weeks afterwards I was watching a film on the TV on a Saturday afternoon about a woman whose baby had just died and it made me cry. My mother came in, saw me crying and said "it's about time you got over things now". This was the ONLY reference she ever made. No hugs, no understanding of my misery and pain. Nothing. I believe I only got pregnant in the first place because I wanted some physical affection, some validation that I was a lovable person and my then boyfriend was the only chance of that. I hated my parents so much for what they made me do I did get married as soon as I could. I would have married the Devil himself if it meant I could leave home.

So as not to bore you all I'll summarise the rest. I was married for 14 years, had 2 children by the time I was 20 (desperate to hold a baby and make the abortion go away. It never has). My husband was either at work or asleep, I could go days with no spoken word. we never had any money, never went anywhere, hardly saw a soul. Eventually I got a job and met someone else. I had an affair, marriage broke up, I married the man I had the affair with and had 2 more children. The marriage break up was very traumatic as I lost custody of my oldest children for a while (thankfully they chose to live with me in the end) In all of this my birth family have been on the sidelines, everything about the marriage breakup was MY FAULT according to them. They told me often how upset I had made everyone - even to the extent of how sad my next door neighbours were with my behaviour. Yes, even the feelings of strangers living next door were more important than mine ......but even now I still can't stop wishing they loved me.

I feel so angry and hurt. I don't think my parents wouldn't have believed me if I'd told them about my grandfather's abuse. And if I could have made them believe me, they would probably have said it was my fault and would definately have accused me of being selfish by upsetting everyone by talking about something so nasty that can't be changed anyway. Only other peoples pain and feelings matter. Mine are sacrificable.

My Grandfather has been dead for 26 years and I hate him for getting away scott free, for not having any consequences to face, while my life has been a series of consequences all leading back to him.

Sorry this was so long. I don't even know if it will make sense to you, but thank you for the chance of letting it all out. I have never had that chance before.

Thanks so much Cailin, really appreciate your thoughtful advice

My instinct was to mention it at some point in a vague way (he has a loose term for what happened) if it seems natural to do so, just to break that barrier in case he wants to, but I'm terrified of doing the wrong thing. He's a very reserved person usually (perhaps partly because of this, I suppose) so I'm anxious about stifling this unusual openness, if talking would be helpful for him. Think you're right, he is worried about burdening people with it which is so sad and unfair on him.

I will re-read your posts before I see him.

If anyone else has any advice or experience of what has/hasn't been helpful for them I'd love to hear it.