Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse

[cailindana]

I started a thread some time ago as a support for people who suffered sexual abuse as children. It went on for quite some time and I think people found it helpful. It fizzled out for various reasons but I'm thinking now is a time to get it going again.

I was abused as a child, by two family friends. My family entirely ignored it, and when I tried to talk to my mother about it she basically told me to shut up. It affected my life massively as a teenager and led to some self-destructive behaviour in my twenties. But with the help of my massively supportive DH (without whom I don't know where I'd have ended up), MN, and some really great friends, I feel like I've dealt with it to a large extent and it no longer has such a hold on my life.

This thread is intended for people who want to talk about their experiences with abuse - either themselves, or those they love. You can share as much or as little as you like. You can just come on and say you're here, you don't have to contribute anything. This will be a safe space to chat to people who understand what you're dealing with. Hopefully it will help.

What makes you think that Elfina?

I was also sexually abused as a child, by my then step-father for about 4-5 years.
I'm reluctant to call myself a survivor as I don't really feel I have survived it. I still feel like I'm in its grip if that makes sense.
I'm fairly sure my mother knew about it and did nothing about it. She was so desperate to keep a man she would have put up with anything. I haven't seen her since 2007.
I've been having quite intensive therapy in the last few months and I feel like it's opened pandoras box on the whole thing. I've been depressed for years, but revisiting this has made my mood so much worse and I'm at the point where I feel I'm broken and can never be fixed because of what he did to me. I've been having suicidal thoughts and I see it as the only way out of feeling so bloody awful about it all.

I've been there Bisley. It's awful. I know it might seem from your perspective to be total hot air but I believe it is entirely possible for you to heal and to survive. Having therapy and speaking about it here are two massive first steps - they show that you are ready and there is fight in you. Stay with it, you are absolutely on the right path.

Do you have any other support besides your therapist?

I like the idea of the garden wall.

Elfina, I don't introduce child abuse as a topic of conversation (would be a bit of a dampener, LOL) but you'd be surprised how many times there is an opportunity to say something.
"Are you doing anything for father's day?" "No, I don't see my dad." "Oh, that's a shame." "Not really, he molested me for years."
Since the Operation Yewtree thing there is generally more talk about child abuse. I have had to say a couple of times to people "I'm happy to talk about this subject in a serious way, but as a survivor of child abuse I cannot be a part of a jokey conversation on it."
"How did you meet your husband?" "We met online through running a support forum for abuse survivors." "Oh, were you...?" "Yes, we both were."
I also tend to challenge stereotypes, e.g. "Sexual abuse is something that ruins your life forever" - I ALWAYS challenge that one, knowing that any other survivors in the conversation who aren't "out" need to know that's bullshit. The last thing any survivor needs is LESS hope.

I totally agree with you on challenging the idea that sexual abuse ruins your life forever pocket. IME some survivors get so locked into that idea (because others peddle it so much) that it holds them back more than the abuse itself. They feel they have to fit the "victim" mode and never smile or be ok because then people will think nothing happened.

It is entirely possible to be a survivor of abuse and an entirely happy person. I am. My life is wonderful. I have sadness from my past, and I need to talk about it every now and again, but I am entirely functioning adult with a great relationship, kids, a good job, great friends and a very enjoyable life.

Elfina, and Bisley, you CAN move forward.

My husband once worked with a survivor in his group who said he had always felt it was too late for him to heal and that it wasn't worth the pain. The guy was in his late seventies. And he did heal and move forward. It's never too late.

Bisley, I have been in the place where you are now. The uncovering of memories can be an awful time and sometimes it feels like you're never unaware of the abuse for a single minute of the day. Is your therapist aware of how low you are? Are you already on ADs? Have you discussed any practical ways to help yourself when you feel at your worst?

The worst part for me was the body memories. I developed a few "tricks" to help when these struck. I would be happy to share them if that would be helpful?

What do you mean by body memories, pocket?
Yes I am on ADs and have been for many years. They just don't seem to make a difference. My therapist knows about my current mental state.
I think though that hearing about how other people have survived it might be helpful.

I hope it is Bisley. Suicidal thoughts are very common among abuse survivors who are just starting to deal with it. Not that that's much help, I know, but just be aware that feeling suicidal doesn't mean that the process isn't working, it just means you are understandably feeling overburdened by the very very tough work of dealing with this trauma.

How is your life day to day? Do you work, or get out with friends much?

I was sexually abused for 6 years by a family friend. I have suffered severe MH problems because of it and I am currently sectioned in a MH unit with a diagnosis of PD because which they think stems from that.

Sorry to hear you're having such a hard time cream. How is it going in the unit? Do you feel they're being helpful?

Bisley, body memories are where you re-experience some of the sensations (including pain) of sexual assault, even when nobody is near you or touching you.

Similar to flashbacks, which tend to be visual or auditory memories of traumatic events.

No I don't work atm. I have two dc. I have friends but tend to isolate myself from them when I feel very down. Which doesn't help I know.

It's great that you're chatting here though Bisley. Is there anything we can do to help?

pocket I do get body memories of it, mainly when the dc touch me which is awful for me and not nice for them because that means that I try to avoid them touching me.

Sorry cailin I think we cross posted there. I'm not sure if there's anything you can do to help. I'm not sure what could really.

I think talking here could help, if only a little bit. We understand where you're coming from. Do you think you can keep posting? It doesn't matter what you say, say anything.

I can probably keep posting, yes. I saw my psych today and now he knows a lot more about the abuse and now I perceive me as a delicate little flower that he needs to be careful with. I hate that reaction.

Sorry that should be I perceive that he sees me as a delicate little flower.

What gave you that impression?

Thanks pocket.i didn't mean to sound rude, I hope i didnt.

For me, I think it's tricky, as I can't see myself being in a position to have therapy.

Is there a reason you can't see yourself being in a position yo have therapy Elfina?

Yeah, I work in mental health, and it's a pretty small world. I think unless I move I'd struggle to find someone that I'd have little chance of coming across professionally.

The unit is crap. I hate being there. Am very suicidal and feel full of anger and sadness.

Oh that's hard going Elfina. Is there a protocol for dealing with that sort of situation? Have you come across colleagues who also needed therapy and dealt with that issue? I've only had two short bouts of counselling - one was a disaster and the other ok but I didn't mention the abuse. I've dealt with it by talking to friends and DH and by talking here.

Cream - can you talk a bit about those feelings?