Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse

[cailindana]

I started a thread some time ago as a support for people who suffered sexual abuse as children. It went on for quite some time and I think people found it helpful. It fizzled out for various reasons but I'm thinking now is a time to get it going again.

I was abused as a child, by two family friends. My family entirely ignored it, and when I tried to talk to my mother about it she basically told me to shut up. It affected my life massively as a teenager and led to some self-destructive behaviour in my twenties. But with the help of my massively supportive DH (without whom I don't know where I'd have ended up), MN, and some really great friends, I feel like I've dealt with it to a large extent and it no longer has such a hold on my life.

This thread is intended for people who want to talk about their experiences with abuse - either themselves, or those they love. You can share as much or as little as you like. You can just come on and say you're here, you don't have to contribute anything. This will be a safe space to chat to people who understand what you're dealing with. Hopefully it will help.

I'm scared to post here as I'm not sure if anything really happened to me. I used to lie in between my aunt and uncle in bed at night when I was about 8 or 9 at the weekend when I stayed round their house - my cousins were in the other bedrooms. I remember waking up during the night and my aunt asking him why he was naked. It's all blurry but I know he was enjoying being next to me. I felt so dirty a feeling I've never really managed to shake off. I don't think he touched me but he was pressed close. Is this weird or am I reading too much into it? I feel like I'm making too much of nothing but I used to dread staying there. Sorry if I'm taking up time and space on here, I don't feel I'm valid enough to be here if that makes sense.

Of course you can be here paisley. As Bisley was saying, and I've experienced it also, it's very common that the memories themselves are very hazy and unclear but that you know something was wrong. It sounds like something went on, and that it had an effect on you. You are entirely welcome to talk here.

In what ways has it affected you? Have you been able to talk to anyone about it in real life?

It's ok to talk about not doing well Iwas, that's why the thread is here. I'm sure the majority of us have been in a bad place with it all, I know I certainly have - majorly depressed, suicidal, the whole shebang.

I've also engaged in self-destructive behaviour.

How do you feel about the fact that the therapist has said you will need "years of therapy"? To me that sounds like a very doom-laden prediction - how does he/she know that you won't have a breakthrough and start to come out of it faster?

I'm really glad to hear it Iwas

Thanks so much, my hands are dripping with sweat just typing this! I've never spoken to anyone mainly because I thought it wasn't bad enough - sounds stupid eh. My boundaries have been massively blurred around men I've allowed myself to be used and abused by every man I've been with, any one who treat me with respect I left, it didn't feel right. My uncle was seen as a saint in my family, he could do no wrong but he was violent to both my mam and my aunt, his wife. He beat my mam infront of me cos she rejected his advances- when I look back he was just a drunken sleaze and yet no one will hear bad of him - he's dead now. I moved away years ago and have low contact with family. Again I'm not sure if it's related to what went on. Thank you for making me feel welcome here, it means so much even though I'm not sure what happened really.

Thanks iwas, I have started to see a therapist as the self destructive behaviours have left me feeling worthless and empty and yet I've felt compelled to be punished and humiliated.

Ok so I'm not sure if I will be welcome here as I suppose I've experienced both sides of abuse and it's ruined my life.
When I was about 5-6 I was abused by another child, one of my mum's friends daughters. I spent a lot of time at their house so it happened quite often. I assume she was abused herself and at the time I just thought of it as a game I suppose. I even suppose I quite enjoyed 'the game' when I look back and I find that very hard to deal with. The worst part of this though was that she moved away when I was about 7 and I went on to play this 'game' with other children including a cousin who was about a year younger than me. At the time I had no idea how wrong it was but I think I knew it was kind of a secret game. The memory's are all pretty hazey now as it was such a long time ago.
I have no idea when it stopped but it defiantly stopped before I left primary school so I must have been under say 10-11.
When I started going through puberty and realising what it was that had been going on I hated myself. As a teenager I turned to alcohol and drugs. I hit rock bottom when I was raped when I was 16 and wanted to kill myself.
For a while I even questioned my sexuality. I thought what happened must have meant I was gay even though I had no idea what sex even was at the time. I'm sorry if I offend anyone by posting this on here.
I tried talking to my cousin about it once in a "do you remember us playing any strange games as kids" kind of way and she was adamant she had no idea what I was talking about so made me even doubt my own memories.
Sometimes I feel angry that no one noticed there was something wrong and then other times I just hate myself.

I was sexually abused by my grandfather .. I've rarely liked sex it's just so complicated emotionally for me. I love my Dh of 20 years but I worry my lack of sex drive is pushing him away. I love him dearly but sometimes even a hug feels unbearable. I have got over the abuse on so many levels but I know I will never enjoy physical intimacy in the way I could have if I hadnt been abused. It makes me sad and I feel less of a woman because of it.

Paisley you could be speaking my words - I have almost felt unworthy of sympathy as if my trauma wasn't bad enough. That is what I have found most hard to deal with :(

Paisley, even without the abuse, your uncle sounds like a nasty piece of work who taught you damaging lessons about aggression and relationships. You learned from your family that the way he behaved was acceptable, admirable even. That alone would cause trauma and difficulties in future relationships.

Thanks you so much for sharing that thesleepthief. Unfortunately it is very common for children to act out the abuse they suffered themselves with other children. It is very admirable that you faced up to it and tried to talk to your cousin about it. It is also normal to enjoy that sort of abuse - it is a form of interaction (albeit unhealthy) that children get used to and see as affectionate.
How are you doing at the moment?

Does your DH know about the abuse Diesel?

Thank you cailindana I was very anxious posting that. I don't really know how I am to be honest. I only told my Dh about all of it about 3 weeks ago and he's the first person I've ever told. He has been very supportive but I don't think he really knows what to say to me. I have 2 lovely dc's and dd isn't far off the age I was when all the abuse started and with me telling Dh it has brought up a lot of old memories and horrible feelings. I plod on day to day but break down and have a cry while I'm alone.

I'm glad you could tell your DH sleepthief. That's a big first step, as is talking here.

Any advice as for how to move on? I have thought about telling other people in RL but don't want to drag other people into the mess of it and don't really think the words would actually come out.
I have a lot of anxiety issues and carry around a huge amount of guilt. I feel like a horrible person.

Therapy helped me. It also helps that other people (a few friends) know. After I told the first person I then wanted to tell lots of people because I thought that someone would make it better.

I have considered therapy but I don't think I could actually talk about it. I wrote a letter to Dh as our marriage was starting to fall apart as a result of me being distant and feeling very low a lot of the time so I felt like explaining why might help. It dud a bit and Dh as I sat has been very understanding but doesn't know what to say to me and I don't blame him, I wouldn't know what to say to me either.

Yes Dh does know about the abuse and I try to remind him that it's not him that I don't fancy . It's the memories which are buried in me on such a deep level that I've no way of reaching them to get rid of them. It's a lot for a partner to have to deal with. Sometimes I can override my fears but sometimes intimacy feels like such a huge wall and there's no way I can climb over it.

Thanks for this thread. I'm so sorry so many of us are living with this. I feel like part of me was stolen. Physical closeness has so much risk attached, It takes so much courage to trust.

I'm here as a wife of a recent discloser.
I'm struggling in that I feel his parents were complicit in the grooming and abuse. They knew this man was gay, I know gay doesn't equal paedo but when this man comes & gets your ds out of bed when he wont get up to go to school and takes him home for a chat, wouldn't alarm bells ring?
My DH told me he was abusedfrom 11 to 15. When I met him he was 17 and still spending time voluntarily with this man. I have found this extremely hard to reconcile.
My mil had munchausens. I think she was abused herself, and her sisters. They all 3 led wild sex lives. They have 11 children by 8 fathers and yet present as very respectable married women, they would have affairs, divorce marry etc.
I've had counseling myself as I fell apart. This animal blackmailed my dh. He was at my fucking wedding. He smirked at me and said "I guess you win"
Yes, I guess I did but it's been a big price.
Dh has become more and more paranoid and insular as he's got older. He practically dropped dd when she turned 11 and they have a rotten relationship now. He won't socilalise with me in case he sees the other boys that hung round at this animals house.
He went to prison when we were about 23/24 for child sex offenses but All of Dhs family kept in touch with him until he died 2 yrs ago. Dh hasn't/hadn't seen him in 25 odd years.
It's very hard because I have questions but I don't have the right to answer.
Anyway. It's not about me, he's a survivor but at a MASSIVE personal price.
His parents are dead and his siblings now can't believe their blindness.
They even encouraged him to join their f Ing church.

In time it might seem easier to talk about it sleepthief. It took about 6 years from when I first disclosed until I could speak about it and even then it was very hard and I couldn't say much. I'm now 13 years on from first talking about it and recently told a close friend. It was still hard, but much much easier than it was all those years ago.

Please do feel free to talk about it here.

Just catching up on the thread. I also feel like I'm making it up. Or like I've accidentally woken up in someone else's life.

I am so sad to hear of the experiences people have had. Sorry not to reply individually, am currently chronically sleep deprived. Like others I also experienced emotional neglect. I think that creates an atmosphere where other abuses can thrive.

I'm still learning what is actually normal.

For the supporters. Personally I found it helpful when people said things like thank you for telling me, I'm glad you could trust me with this, that kind of thing.

What else: not pressing me for details, and not saying "but why didn't you..."

I was also abused by another child a few times and a slightly older cousin once. For ages I struggled with the question of whether it was really abuse as these sorts of things are so often minimised, and wrongly so. When I told my therapist he said it's not about the age difference but the power difference, which helped a lot.