Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse

[cailindana]

I started a thread some time ago as a support for people who suffered sexual abuse as children. It went on for quite some time and I think people found it helpful. It fizzled out for various reasons but I'm thinking now is a time to get it going again.

I was abused as a child, by two family friends. My family entirely ignored it, and when I tried to talk to my mother about it she basically told me to shut up. It affected my life massively as a teenager and led to some self-destructive behaviour in my twenties. But with the help of my massively supportive DH (without whom I don't know where I'd have ended up), MN, and some really great friends, I feel like I've dealt with it to a large extent and it no longer has such a hold on my life.

This thread is intended for people who want to talk about their experiences with abuse - either themselves, or those they love. You can share as much or as little as you like. You can just come on and say you're here, you don't have to contribute anything. This will be a safe space to chat to people who understand what you're dealing with. Hopefully it will help.

[cailindana]

I'd imagine you knew something was wrong and were trying to check with your parents.

I get how you feel about the 'brave' thing. I know people mean well when they say you're 'brave' but it does feel a bit like a veiled insult. I mean if you wore a new skirt and someone said 'that's brave!' you'd hardly feel good about it would you??

[TwinkleToes2]

Hello can I join? Will try to keep this short!

I was abused when I was very young child (not sure on exact age) by my older brother. I tried to forget about it but was always in the back of my mind. A few years ago I told my sister. She asked me what I wanted to do about it (counselling report to police etc) I told her nothing I just wanted someone to talk to. Revealing it to her helped a little but I realised I needed to tell my mother it was important for me to do this. My mother's response was old, strange and very emotionally detached. She asked me what I wanted to do (again, I wasn't really sure if I wanted to do anything just wanted to tell her) and she never mentioned it again. I realise this was her way of coping with this news but it made me feel terrible.

I don't know what I expected to happen telling these two family members. But everything went back to normal they treated my abuser like normal. I think in hindsight I wanted them to confront him and shame him but nothing was ever done. I really felt let down by this. One day a few years later at family event with everyone there (including my abuser) I snapped and it all came out.

Since that day (about 6 years ago) it's never been mentioned again by anyone in my family. I tried to bury it after this but recently it's all come back again. I had another outburst this time at my mother and haven't spoken to her in a few weeks and im likely never to speak to her again because I have that much anger. My sister tried getting in touch but I just don't want to talk to anyone. I never wanted to do counselling as I didn't want to talk to anyone outside the family about this but now I think is the time for me to talk to someone. Where is the best place for me to start looking for therapy? I'm based in London. Thanks for your help.

[threads123]

Hi Twinkletoes
Your story is almost like reading mine, minus the full out family confrontation and the fact that my abusing older brother died when he was 34. I have also confronted my mother for a second time recently, and spoken to my sister. My mother was very defensive and my sister listened but neither have mentioned it again. Same thing happened 10yrs ago.

I've done loads of reading this time around. If you would like I could post some good titles. I'm dealing with the rage and heartbreak of having a family who have let me down so badly and will never change.

Posting here helps, everyone is very supporting and you can start feeling the love you missed out on when you were little.

I have found a good counsellor through the Guildford Rape and Sexual Abuse Centre I think it's called. There will be one like it in London which you could get to I'm sure. All their counsellors are highly trained in dealing with trauma and I think that's the key in finding a good one. I've been to one in the past who preferred to ignore it had happened too!! They have a long waiting list for subsidised counselling so I opted to see one of them privately. It's expensive £40 per week but I can see that it's going to save my life. I'm 53y and I so wish I had known any of this when I was 20. My mum is 88y now and I can't bring myself to walk away but I wish I could. The whole honouring your parents stuff is rubbish if they never honoured you. Big hugs

[Cocalite]

Incredibly moving stories - it makes it you feel how lucky you are.

[kuriousoranj]

I posted a few months ago. I have been having counselling for a couple of months and joining up dots and I wondered if anyone who is further along this road, or knows more about this area can shed any light for me.

I did a life chart with my counsellor and on it (amongst other things) are…fuzzy abuse memories from early childhood, a sexual assault when I was 8 and a rape at 19.

I just realised something significant about both the assault and the rape - that in each instance I experienced a freeze - where I was unable to act. Previously, I had somehow thought that I had accepted these events, and had reframed them as not that bad (and my fault for not asserting myself) - and I thought the fact that I have no emotions about the events evidenced this.

I can remember detailed physical sensations related to these events but not any emotions at all. I can talk about either event in detail without feeling any sadness or fear or anxiety. It is strange. I can feel sorry in abstract for myself going through this event, but I have no emotional memory of it at all.

And how does it relate to the earlier abuse memories which all follow a similar pattern of remembering being very frightened (e.g. in a before scenario where I knew what was about to happen) and then nothing, just blank, no memories of the events. All I can remember really is being very frightened and then just odd sensation.

I will bring this up with my counsellor in a week or so but I wonder what this is about?

[threads123]

Hi Kuriousoranj
I know what you mean that you can give a rational account of abusive experiences without feeling any emotion. I also thought all this time that perhaps I'd dealt with it, but actually I felt uncomfortable, anxious and depressed all the time. It's been explained to me that the child's brain can't cope with the distress and compartmentalises the memory. Some people remember the touch or how things looked or some feelings but we often can't remember the whole lot. A book called "The Body Remembers" by Babette Rothschild explains this better than me. The freezing feeling is apparently the common stress response to sexual abuse. I can't explain it clearly as its a new idea for me, despite experiencing it all my life, but this book explains different ways in which our brains and bodies react to abuse in order to cope "Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving" by Pete Walker. I got them both on my kindle but they are classics apparently so you can probably get them from a library. I am finding that reading lots about it all and the counselling is helping. Reading stuff doesn't help everybody I know but in case it does.. I hope your counsellor can help too.

[something2say]

Hi everyone,

I was a used by mother. Several nights on the trot, several times a year, for about twelve years. She got my sister to help her hold me down when I got to be too strong for her to hold down alone. One time when my mother and sister were holding my legs open, my sister looked down directly between my legs. I will never forgive her for that.

I have a few flashbacks at the moment, like I live with the feeling of her doing it.

The abuse I suffered was mostly physical tho. Loads of being hit, kicked, slapped, hair pulled, trodden on, bitten, pinched, pushed down the stairs, head being held under water. That was almost worse than the sexual assaults. I don't think about that anymore now tho. But the sexual stuff is often in my mind, as tho it is the last bastion.

I started getting over it in my twenties with lots of therapy and self help. I did self help for years and really got to grips with my problems. I cut my family off and made massive progress after that. Like so many others, they didn't want to know at all.

I have been working in the field myself for about ten years now, working with victims of trauma. Everything you all say is true, the minimising it, wondering if we are making it up, the way families would rather we shut up than talk about it. So many of us have never had nor will ever have justice.

Watching it play out in the media is interesting. People don't know what to make of it do they. One thing I really wish would change is the whole courts and being believed mess. We can say it till we are blue in the face, but often until someone else sees it and says it, it's like it isn't true. We are not enough on our own are we, when we come out and say it. In my lifetime I wish that cross examinations will change for survivors of abuses. Why should we have to bare this in front of strangers and also be called liars?

I also hate medical exams. Even now I am rude to nurses and stuff, I just can't help it.

X

[kuriousoranj]

Thanks threadless. I just read the first few chapters of the Complex PTSD book so far very helpful.

[Sprit]

something2say how truly disgusting of your mother and glad you've sought support.

I also work in the field and was abused by my mother physically, verbally and sexually- not as bad as yours or others here, she just used to carry out sex acts on herself front of me.

Am NC with her and now extended family. I confronted members of my extended family recently and asked why they didn't believe me when I disclosed to them and sided with her. They said "we believe you but don't believe she would do that". Headfuck or what. Then they said I must have been on a course about abuse, and was promiscuous when younger- this seems to have come from my mother as a way to discredit me..now why would she do that unless guilty..none of it true by the way. Even if it was it can't possibly excuse what she did! And the using of my job against me in this way..she always hated the work I did. I worry a court was also do this and discredit me in this way.


To say I'm devastated by my extended family is an understatement just now, while they are all playing happy families with her.. and exposing their children to potential abuse. They must think I'm a laughing stock.
The re writing of history and the scapegoating make me ill.
I might go back to the police.

[TesselateMore]

I hope everyone is doing well. I know what you mean about medical exams something2say. I won't go for a cervical smear because it makes me angry.

I'm feeling quite disorientated at the moment. A genealogical research company have been in touch to say my father who abused myself and my sister has died. The council wanted to know if the family wanted any input to his funeral. Not apart from dancing on his grave.

I didn't feel emotionally affected at all for the first couple of days but I feel weepy at the moment. I'm not sure why. Crying for myself as a little girl I think.

I'll probably ring my counsellor for an appointment if I still feel like that in a week or two. I'm just not sure what to do right now. I really don't want to spend a precious day off work feeling miserable.

[fusionconfusion]

Hello all

First time to thread. I hope I post appropriately but I haven't been brave enough to read everyone's stories yet.

I never thought I could post on one of these threads as I was abused by a young teenager at my sister's childminder who used to make me go down on her until she finished among other things. She used to tell me I was disgusting, filthy and nasty and that I clearly loved it and everyone knew I was a lesbian, and also lots of stuff about how God could see me and knew I thought bad thoughts about girls and I would go to hell for making her think bad thoughts about girls.

She was 13-15 and I was 8-10. Then we moved away. By the time it ended I had an eating disorder and was compulsively touching myself/self soothing several times a day. I feel the greatest shame still about a time I touched myself in front of her and enjoyed it. Even writing it makes me feel like I am some sort of aberrant sexual freak.

I tried to tell my parents but they misunderstood and thought it was show and tell, a bit of showing our bits to eachother.

I have had some therapy for depression and anxiety and around alcoholism in my family but I have not disclosed this to anyone other than my husband. I am really struggling right now because recently through doing Yoga I have started to have sexual feelings and I find them hard going, especially as I often find myself imagining women and that disgusts me. I have this obsessive fear I am a lesbian.

I was raped in university and when I look back I just walked myself into a very vulnerable situation. He had more or less told me that he was going to do it without my consent before I left to go to his house - he said something like I will have you tonight whether you want it or not.. and I still went home with him because I didn't feel able to say no (though since that time I think I may have had a sedative put in my drink before that happened).

I feel mega fucked up right now. I hadn't felt like this since after the university experiences. I know others have had much worse experiences and yet I feel SO fucked up and dirty and ashamed. interpersed with fantasies of running off to have sex with a woman, which makes me feel a million times worse. It is just so overwhelming.

Please tell me it gets better. I don't want to make it to thirty years without having had a normal response to a sexual situation.

[abanico]

Hello,

I'm in such a mess and I can't cope with my feelings anymore.

I lived in a cramped house with my mum's parents, my mum (though she was often absent), and my two brothers. My mum's sister also lived there by the time I was 9ish. My dad was an absent father. I was abused by a cousin when I was 7-9ish. He was a couple of years older, and used to come to our house most weekends. It went on for a couple of years, I can't remember exactly but I started my periods at 10 and it was definitely over before that. It stopped one day when my granddad walked in and went mad at both of us. Then my grandma said something along the lines of "that was naughty". Then it was never mentioned again. Him and his family stopped visiting after a while, because of various family fallouts but I very much doubt it was linked to my abuse, it didn't happen until a couple of years later, and I suspect it was more to do with a catty comment his mum made at my mum's wedding.

My mum spent most of her time at work (in a low paid, low status job) or with her boyfriend, who later became my stepdad. He was also horribly abusive, but not sexually. So I moved from my grandparents to my mum's marital home when I was 11, just before I start secondary school. It was so much upheaval and so much pressure was put on me but I just kept strong. I kind of made peace with the abuse. I don't remember protesting. I even worry I may have invited it. I remember one time he was lying on a bed watching TV and asked me to massage his back, so I climbed on top and did. My aunt walked in and found it funny. So perhaps I wasn't really abused. The only thing that bothered me was I was absolutely convinced I had an STI for my whole adolescence and was humiliated by my smell. Looking back I am sure it was just normal puberty, and I went to the GUM clinic when I was 19 (I didn't have sex between the ages of 9-22) and all was fine, but it did freak me out.

My teen years at my stepdads house were horrible. I moved with my younger brother; my older brother refused to go, my gran was devastated that I was going, and my aunt was angry, and everyone was blaming me for choosing to go and live with my mum. This was desperately unfair - I was 11, I felt like I didn't have a choice, and I desperately wanted a mum and now had the chance after she hadn't bothered with me. And I felt so guilty for leaving my grandparents. My younger brother didn't have the same guilt trip put on him because he was too young to understand, but I was very intelligent when I was young, and I was physically mature, so I was expected to make adult decisions and take all the blame. And whatever I chose would hurt someone. I even remember my mum saying in an angry argument about me and my misdemeanours " not only does she not have the body of an 11 year old, she doesn't have the mind of one". I felt so sad about this.

So I went to my step dad's home and those years were terrible. I was fairly stoic and resilient but eventually had a breakdown and developed an eating disorder when I was 15. On top of all the other turmoil in my life, my entire family, including my mum and stepdad, spent my entire youth telling me how disgusting I was for being fat, but apparently Victoria Beckham was to blame for my eating disorder, according to my mum. Whatever, I ended up seeing the CAMHS people for a couple of years. At one point I spoke about the abuse, and all the therapist said was "well you have to realise he was only a child too. There's a chance he could have been abused too". That was ir. I was not allowed to discuss my feelings about it, or allowed to feel sad, or angry, I just had to feel pity for him and work out his motivations and excuses. He may well have beem abused but that was not my concern. I would never dream of abusing anyone, sexually or otherwise, and the mental health team basically told me that it was my responsibility to forgive him as it wasn't his fault. So I just put a lid on it again.

The only other person I told was a married man 20 years older than me who I had an affair with when I was 22. He played the sympathetic saviour but turned into an abusive partner who raped me. I refused to believe he intended to rape me, but he knew what he was doing, and he did it knowing what happened when I was young. I feel so devastated and betrayed by this.

I've never had a proper loving boyfriend. I was raped by another man when I was a student, but no man has ever been interested in me as a girlfriend. I don't have any close friends. I'm not close to my family. I live with my mum now, we get on superficially but I have no emotional closeness with her at all, I cannot trust her.

She divorced when I was 17 and eventually we moved back to my grandparents' crowded house when I was doing my A Levels (what fun. So there were 5 adults, 2 adolescents, plus a huge dog and 3 parrots by this stage, in a 3 bedroom house. I'm amazed I managed to pass). I went to university and moved back home to save to buy my own place. My grandparents both passed away a couple of years ago, and my older brother and aunt have left (as have the animals), so it's just 3 of us now. I pay rent to my mum but less than market rate. When I graduated it was 2007 and that was feasible, but now everything is against me. I have saved £35000 and have a good salary but buying a place is impossible. Every time I get a knockback it crushes me. I can't houseshare, I need my own space. I can't rent, as that will mean I make 0 steps towards saving a big enough deposit rather than tiny steps. I really, really need a stable place and if I lose the prospect of that I lose all motivation to live. I never had a safe, stable home with the privacy I needed, so renting or housesharing will not help. I had some disastrous house shares at university and get anxious at the idea of doing it again.

I can't move to a cheaper part of the country as the onoy things keeping me alive are my stable job, my long term counselling sessions and my hobby which does not exist anywhere else. I would consider moving if I were in a better place, or if I had someone to move with for support, or if I had a reason to move like a job. But now it would not solve things, I would be isolating myself from my only comforts.

I was about to delete all that as irrelevant but it's not, the point is living with my mum is the least worst option right now. But I'm living in a house where I was raped as a child for 2 years and I try to pretend that's ok. But I have been having counselling for other stuff, and my counsellor said perhaps I should move out of my mum's. I aaid I can't afford it, and she was a bit annoyed that I shot down her suggestion like i have a tendency to do. But I literally cannot afford anything that will be an improvement on my current situation, so I feel like I have failed the child in me who just wants some peace.
And this has dragged up all these horrible memories again and I am so distressed.

I'm awake at 3am. I have been crying most of the day. I have been scratching and hitting myself until I bruise because I can't bear the crushing pain in my chest so am looking for any other pain. I want to vanish but my reflexes stop me doing significant harm to myself. The samaritans have not beem helpful. My GP has not been helpful. I feel so lost, I have no support and feel like I am drowning amd I can't bear it. It's been prolonged pain now, I do not ever see my life getting better and I can't find a way out. I took a lift for an hour from a man I hardly know the other day and was wishing he would kill me. He was too nice, he just chatted and dropped me home. I can't bear feeling like this and I have been trying so hard to feel good, but it's just getting worse and more bleak.

I don't know what to do. Everyone failed me as a child and now I feel like I can't even improve things as an adult and it's horrible. It's crushing me. I feel like I have only been useful for other people's gratification so they can humiliate me.

[abanico]

I'm sorry that's a long incoherent mess.

I'm more upset at being neglected and failed and blamed bh the people who were supposed to protect me than being abused in the first place. I don't actually feel that upset about the abuse.

I went on an inappropriate date the other day to try to cheer myself up after another draining counselling session. I ended up crying after 20 minutes and was so embarrassed. But he kindly stayed to look after me. Later, I about losing my virginity at 22 and joked that it was rubbish, and he joked "it could have been worse, it could have been when you were 13 with some 19 year old". I said "that doesn't count" and suddenly freaked out thinking actually, did I lose my virginity at 7? Does it count? He must have noticed me freaking out even though I tried to hide it, he was apologetic and tried to make me feel comfortable again.

I just want to be normal.

[grumpypenguin]

I hope you see this, abanico. I posted on one of the old threads ages ago under a previous name but haven't been on here in a while.

I think what was said to you sucks. There is a real lack of understanding about child on child abuse. I was also abused by a cousin on a number of occasions. He was a couple of years older than me. When I realised it was abuse, I discovered explanation after explanation of sexual abuse that seemed to discount things where children are around the same age. I rang a helpline and said can you tell me if this was abuse and the woman said she didn't know. That was... not emotionally safe for me.

Then I asked my therapist, who at the time I had only recently started seeing.

He said if it felt like abuse, then it was. That what matters is not the age difference, who is older or younger, by how much, but the power difference. And that sexual abuse is one of the most devastating things someone can do to another human being.

You didn't have to realise anything. His issues didn't change how you felt. I'm sorry you weren't heard. I am concerned about the situations you are describing.

samaritans are on freephone 116123.

[HysteriaLane]

Is anyone still out there? Could do with a place to talk.

[ginwin]

Just talk hun, even getting it out will help xx

[HysteriaLane]

Ok, here goes. I was abused as a young child by my grandfather. I don't know how long it went on for. My memories are hazy but the bits I have via flashbacks, dreams and body memories are pretty horrible. I told my parents about 5 years ago. I blocked out the abuse completely and became aware of it again aged 19. I told them several years on after I had been in counselling for a while. They didn't support me or help me, my Dad shut down on it and my Mum wanted desperately to disbelieve me. She has tried to undermine me a lot over the years. She blamed my therapist, false memory syndrome, and previous boyfriends. She is a classic manipulator. I have the full support of one sister and my DH. My other sister also stands with me completely although is less involved due to distance, however she has really stuck her neck out to stand with me. I very recently told my brother who was amazing and very supportive.

GF is a very abusive person. As children he was physically abusive to us and would pinch us, twist our toes, and give us chinese burns when we were sat playing or reading stories. He was verbally abusive toward me and called me 'the little bitch'. Even as a child when my siblings told my mum what he was calling me she just sighed and said that was the name he used to call her sister. I was the youngest and often isolated which is no doubt in part why I was abused as I was an easier target. GF was violent and abusive towards my GM who died last year. Even as a frail, blind old lady he was still hitting her as she told my Dad. During a hospital visit they found bruises on her which they questioned (I was there which is the only reason I know). He also broke her ribs in front of us as children, and again she 'broke her ribs' during the year she died. My parents were fully aware of the violence and were told by myself and my sister that blood was on their hands if they didn't step in, however they did not, as they are afraid of GF. My GM wouldn't leave him, which is classic in an abusive marriage, but as a frail, blind 90 year old you would like to think her own daughter would have stepped in, however she did not. I was emotionally blackmailed into silence about so many things, told if I opened my mouth about the abuse he would likely 'kill GM' or GM would 'die of shock'. She died of cancer in the end a few months ago. I was NC with her when she died which was heartbreaking but he would not let her out of his sight or out of their home to a hospice as he 'didn't know what she might say' (he said this to my aunt) and I couldn't go there. Even seeing him pass me in a car would trigger me for days or weeks and I have a young family to care for. When I am triggered I am a nightmare to be around.

I confronted GF about the abuse 18 months ago. He rung my parents up ranting about going to prison. He denied it entirely, obviously. My GM never responded whatsoever. My parents reacted in their classicly weird way. My mum went all stepford wives and dressed up and clattered around the house acting like Bree Van De Kamp (Desperate Housewives) and entirely ignored what had gone on. My Dad sat there saying 'well he's worked out it was one of my daughters who sent the letter' - I hadn't signed it - as if he had become Sherlock Holmes and it was a big mystery. Of course he bloody knew who it was from when he abused me.

My parents said when GM died they would cut contact with GF. He is a truly horrible person. However they have not done this. They are scared of him / citing 'christian duty' and whatever else.

I don't really know what to do anymore. My parents have failed me so much and continue to fail me. I blew up at my mum the other day for the first time ever. I had had a glass of wine and she started on her usual shite and I just let rip at her. It felt good. I am now at the point of going NC with my parents, at least for a time.

I'm sorry this is garbled. I feel very fucked up at the moment. I have come so far on my journey but right now I am not in a good place.

[Notasinglefuckwasgiven]

I've never gone into detail but here goes.
I was 3 the first time I was molested. I say molested but that feels like an understatement. Shitty council estate full of fuck ups. Our playing in the back court and was invited to play with that creature. He was a teen. He buggered me in the bin shed. I was bleeding and treated for anemia because when I tried to tell my alky mother she freaked out about authorities coming and what would people think. I may have been a year or so older actually. So I shut up about it. I was pretty. I was pestered CONSTANTLY and at 13 was assaulted by an older boy in a church. I hated me. I was filthy. Angry. I " dated " a 20 year old at 14 who used me like a toy. I'm scarred on my FUCKING FACE because I said no once. My first marriage was to a very much older man who gaslighted me and destroyed me. 2nd to a bully. I'm free now. But I still hate men deep down. Their apparently uncontrolled cocks male me sick. I love DP for who he is and he knows why I have bad days. He wakes me when I'm fucking screaming and thrashing in my sleep. Does anyone else just feel so angry?
If you got this far, thank you. I'm sorry for pouring it out. I don't feel worthy of anyone listening so I'm apologising. I love you all. We're still here, still whole.

[HysteriaLane]

notasingle I'm so sorry. Hell yes, I can get SO angry. It used to be much worse but therapy and talking about it a lot has helped. I want to go to one of those greek restaurants where you pay to smash plates, or perhaps a shooting range. Anger is very natural, I'd be surprised if you weren't angry, why shouldn't you be? Are you NC with your mother? I've just NC'd my parents, literally, as of yesterday.

[Notasinglefuckwasgiven]

Not any more. She is dry now and back to herself. She had issues and I can understand that. She's never had dd overnight though. I can't trust her. But she's great now. It's taken a long time mind you. I've had therapy and anger management which has helped me move on. I wish the nightmares would stop. I don't know how. Sad there are so many of us out there.

[Flores80]

Hi,
I'm a survivor of childhood serial abuse. I was abused from a very early age, I think from toddler years up until I was around 8. The abuse was from my two older half brothers, who were both children themselves at the time. My mother was aware but I do not remember her doing much to stop it. I was then abused when I went to stay with aunt in california at age 11. The abuse was perpetrated by a lodger of hers.

I've had counselling and therapy, and I'm in counselling again, as becoming a mother for the first time brought back so many painful memories, not just of the abuse, but of the emotional, physical, neglect and general dysfunction. I look at my son and I promise he will not suffer like I did.

When I had counselling session last week, the counsellor asked me if I'd ever considered addressing the abuse with my family. I said I'd thought about it, but have never actually made any plan to. His suggestion to me at the end of the session was to think about it and think about how it might make me feel if I was able to put my truth on the table to them. Frankly, the whole idea terrifies me. It would cause a huge rift in my family, especially for my younger sister (who was also abused and has worked hard to stuff it down and not think about it). I have never spoken with her about it, I won't as it would be cruel in the sense that it might traumatise her, she may have had help herself, I dont know, it's not something she would ever disclose. She doesn't really show any vulnerability or emotion.

I feel like a coward. I read stories of other survivors confronting abusers and having a sense of power, and I can't. I wonder how to make peace with it and accept it? Is anyone in the same situation?

Thank you for reading