is my husband controlling or am i going mad

[rubydrew]

Hello

I'm new and needed some female input because I'm worried I'm going mad!
I've been married 20 years and it's not all been smooth sailing but it's really bad now and I think I'm in a controlled relationship. I can't do anything right for my husband - the house is never clean enough - I don't buy the right food, I haven't done anything that he asked me to do properly and it ends up with him saying 'I might as well just do it myself'. He ignores what I have done. If we're going out he'll tell me what to wear, what jewellry to put on and makes it clear if he doesn't like what I'm wearing. If I say something that upsets him then he doesn't believe it wasn't on purpose and will then give me the silent treatment sometimes for days. Then suddenly he'll be fine and ask me if there's something wrong with me because I'm being quiet.
I know it doesn't sound that bad but I'm a strong, clever person and I feel like I've been reduced to a mass of insecurities. As far as the outside world is concerned he is a fabulous jolly person and he makes me look like the controlling one.
Only me, my boys of 20 and 15 and a few people who have seen the other side of him know what he's really like.

would really appreciate any help.

It does sound bad - unbearable in fact. What do you want to do about it? I don't think he'll change. How about getting out of the relationship and re-discovering the intelligent, capable woman you once were?

Who cares what the outside world think of him, they don't have to live with him, you must know deep down he is abusing you and has been for years, I assume you're middle aged, don't let him keep doing this to you when you are entering your senior years, it will be a lot harder to pack up and leave, sorry but I'd run a mile from this type of person, it sounds absolutely dreadful. Only way to stop enabling him is to get away from him.

That you're even asking the question, given that appalling list of examples, says that even you judgment has been skewed by his behaviour. It's worse than control when that happens, it's psychological abuse.

You don't have to tolerate it just because other think he's a nice guy. However, I'd even question that. Very often, victims think everyone loves their abuser when, in fact,
the people around them know what a nasty piece of work they are. Please take steps to get this behaviour out of your life. You deserve better and so do your DCs

This isn't about other people. It's about you and what you think or feel. It doesn't matter if the rest of the world thinks he's the best husband ever, if the relationship is making you feel sad, undervalued and controlled, then you have the choice to end it. You don't need any one else's permission.

He sounds awful. What happens if you wear what you want and then point out while laughing like a drain at him that his silent treatment is due to you wearing a dress you like?

What a twat he is. Don't put up with it. Leave or do what you want and put up with the silent treatment.

Me, I would ignore the silent treatment.

Oh dear. This is very very bad behaviour from your husband, abusive in fact.

How you have put up with it for so long I don't know.

He goes quiet to punish you and once he sees you've started to be one withdrawn he is then nice to you again just so he can keep you on your toes, so you will be good and not upset him again, otherwise mr nasty will come back out.

Nice/nasty cycle.

Do you want to stay married to him?

I'm not sure what help you need. Hope you're reassured that you're not going mad. Emotional abuse or psychological bullying is sadly very common and very destructive. It's entirely the fault of the bully, not the victim, and victims can be anyone at all. Any class, education level, intelligence. There is a type of bully that delights in 'breaking' strong, capable women and crushing their spirit.

There are ways to get out of such a marriage. What's prompted you to ask the question now particularly? Has something changed?

Your answer to those people must always be, "Yes, but you're not living with him. He's completely different at home."

He does sound awful. The good thing is that your children have seen him like this and will not blame you at all if you leave. I know I'd be out of there like a flash.

You say your marriage has never been "plain sailing" (and who's is!) but things have got worse now - is there a reason for this. To be honest I hate people just telling people to LTB (leave the bastard) as it's just not that simple. Easy to write on a laptop or phone when it's not your life. Having said that I honestly think you are most definitely being emotionally abused and YES he is controlling you. I think your comment that you feel you are "going mad" is very pertinent because I think women in your position, do actually feel like this, and even wonder if it is all their fault. Do you ever try to do things/not do things to stop him having a go at you I wonder. If so, this never works because men like this find something else to get at you about.

If you go on the Women's Aid website, you can read about emotional abuse and there is even a list of this kind of behaviour and you can see how many boxes you tick. As to the future, I don't know. Is there ANY way that you can talk to him to make he see how controlling he is and how this is affecting you. I think the other thing is that, as you say this kind of treatment from a H/P massively dents your self esteem, which in turn makes it difficult to think of acting independently and countering him.

You say "I know it doesn't sound that bad" but it does - it sounds horrendous and as others have said I think the fact that you say that means that you are minimising or rationalising the way you are being treated. That isn't a criticism of you, just an observation. It's small wonder you are a "mass of insecurities" and what harm is it doing to your young sons. He's a very bad role model. Do your sons ever talk to you about the way he is, I wonder.

Do you have any support in RL - if so I think you need to talk to someone. There is of course lots of support on here.

You're not going mad - your husband is a twat.
I agree with it not mattering what other people think about him.

It sounds horrendous and it is that bad.

Thankyou
this all makes me feel so much better but also so much worse because I know it's time to do something about it.
In answer to your question - it's all come to a head after a week of silence when I changed tactic and decided not to let it bother me - I took my youngest son away and we had a ball. This appears to have driven him mad - I suppose because I wasn't reacting. He phoned me and said that he 'can't do this anymore' i.e.; apparently he can't put up with me any more.
And I agreed with him - surprising myself more than anyone. When he started telling me what was wrong with me I said I didn't want to start a tit for tat - we both deserved to be happy. I think he was shocked because he then said that I needed to move out of the house because he had his horses there!!! He would stay in london during the week and at home at the weekend whilst putting me up in some rental. I said no!!!
He then said he would give me an allowance to live off and I said I would get solicitors in to sort the finances properly - he exploded and accused me of being greedy.
I don't think he expected me to agree to a split and now he's threatening me with the consequences. Or am I being paranoid?

What kind of help would you like from this thread, ruby?

sorry x-post with you

What made you post today?. And well done for doing so, doing that was the first step out of this abusive marriage.

You have a choice re him, your children do not. They have seen and heard far more than enough already of your H's private war against you.

No you are not mad (he has done a number on you though and has reduced you to perhaps a shadow of your former self) and you have been abused within this marriage for a very long time. Also your children are likely to have been affected by all this as well; either or even worst both could well copy his behaviour going forward now. I sincerely hope they do not because they know what he is like. I wonder what they think of you; I sincerely hope you have not stayed simply because of them because they will not thank you at all for doing that and call you instead daft for doing so.

Abusers can be nice sometimes and can be plausible to those in the outside world but their nice/nasty cycle is a continuous one. Your initial post is one of the worst examples of a controlling relationship I have read of.

Talking to him about this is a wasted effort. He knows how controlling he is and simply does not care a jot about anyone else but himself; he actively enjoys seeing your discomfort and likely learnt all that from his own parents as well. He feels entitled to do this.

Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 is a number you should call. I would also suggest you read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft.

You said and did everything perfectly in that conversation, ruby!

Yes, the next thing for you to do is to instruct solicitors to initiate divorce proceedings.
Get copies of financial infomation, house deeds, etc, in case he tries to withhold information in the course of the divorce.

And well done. You stood your ground beautifully.

What "consequences" is he threatening, exactly?

Do you feel safe?

So you have a home in London and a home in the country and he wants both? Is he mad?

Good for you for standing up to him. Get yourself a good lawyer - you can be certain he will.

You need legal advice asap re separation and a divorce settlement because he will financially shaft you as well given any opportunity. He's already told you how he is prepared to shaft you financially and no you are not being greedy in wanting a fair settlement.

Anyway if anyone should move out it is him and not you as you are still primary carer to your youngest.

He will make any divorce settlement as long, difficult and protracted as possible because such men do not let go of their victims easily. You need a highly experienced lawyer and one who also has experience in dealing with financially abusive men.

Wow! Well done, Ruby! You reacted perfectly, with dignity and sense

He will attempt punishment. You might want to keep your thread going; many MNers have experienced the twists & turns of a bully in the throes of losing his domain. Also consider talking to Women's Aid for some offloading & guidance, and take a look at the Freedom Programme.

In case you were wondering - a decent man would have responded to this: "said that he 'can't do this anymore' i.e.; apparently he can't put up with me any more. And I agreed with him" by opening an equal & compassionate discussion of your relationship. Not by itemising all your supposed faults.

Yes we have a home in london and a home in the country - from the outside I look like the luckiest person in the world. He has a company that I helped him build - when we met I was his boss!! how ironic!

His mother died 7 years ago and I think that was what tipped him over the edge - he couldn't control that and so had to control everything else.

What I need to know is that it'll be okay if I leave - the boys have seen him at his worst but I've never let them see me upset so I think they'll think I'm overreacting. I have to leave and what I don't understand is that if I'm as bad as he says - why isn't he running for the hills?

Someone said something about his parents and it's interesting that he hasn't spoken to his father or brother for 5 years.

The problem is - if someone says to me - why do you want to leave - all my reasons individually sound so trivial and people see me as a strong person .... they wouldnt understand why I don't just wear what I want or choose the curtains I want (yes really!!!)

I agree with a PP that you've handled it very well so far. I think you have to anticipate that he is not going to cooperate with any legal and is far more likely to be hostile. So do get legal advice and please also start to gather around you selected friends and family that you can trust. You are going to need moral support as well as legal expertise because, if he's as nasty as you describe, he will fight dirty, telling lies about you as well as trying to swindle you and the children out of money.

You don't have to go anywhere. Certainly leave your sons behind or abandon your home. Unless you are in direct danger that is.

In answer to your questions.
YES - your husband is controlling
NO - you are not going mad but your nasty controlling husband is trying to make you think you are.
As a PP said, contact Womens Aid, talk it through with them. They can explain it all to you.
Then do the Freedom Programme.
But definitely get away asap.
This is no way to live.
Find yourself again and live your life for you!

Financially you may be the luckiest woman in the world, but tbh not being able to choose what you wear puts you in the unluckiest category!

Maybe you shouldn't rely on other people understanding and prepare something you can say when there's a conversation about it. "Nobody knows what goes on in a marriage" or "He's different behind closed doors" sort of thing.