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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

is my husband controlling or am i going mad

205 replies

rubydrew · 18/02/2015 13:34

Hello

I'm new and needed some female input because I'm worried I'm going mad!
I've been married 20 years and it's not all been smooth sailing but it's really bad now and I think I'm in a controlled relationship. I can't do anything right for my husband - the house is never clean enough - I don't buy the right food, I haven't done anything that he asked me to do properly and it ends up with him saying 'I might as well just do it myself'. He ignores what I have done. If we're going out he'll tell me what to wear, what jewellry to put on and makes it clear if he doesn't like what I'm wearing. If I say something that upsets him then he doesn't believe it wasn't on purpose and will then give me the silent treatment sometimes for days. Then suddenly he'll be fine and ask me if there's something wrong with me because I'm being quiet.
I know it doesn't sound that bad but I'm a strong, clever person and I feel like I've been reduced to a mass of insecurities. As far as the outside world is concerned he is a fabulous jolly person and he makes me look like the controlling one.
Only me, my boys of 20 and 15 and a few people who have seen the other side of him know what he's really like.

would really appreciate any help.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/02/2015 14:50

"What I need to know is that it'll be okay if I leave - the boys have seen him at his worst but I've never let them see me upset so I think they'll think I'm overreacting. I have to leave and what I don't understand is that if I'm as bad as he says - why isn't he running for the hills?"

It may be hard going but leaving him is the best thing you could ever do for your own self. Being free of the gilded cage he has constructed for you will be worth it (and you can be your own person again and wear what you please). You're unhappy and life with him at home is intolerable and has been for many years. You only have to answer to you; other people do not have to live with him day to day as you have done.

Your children are well aware of what he is like so do not sugar coat it for them. They are old enough to know but protecting them from the worst of it has not helped them or you for that matter. You haven't been able to fully protect them in any case from them seeing his abuses of you. They likely know far more and are far more aware of problems within their home than you care to realise.

He is not running for the hills because he gets what he wants from this relationship in that he enjoys controlling you; that is his MO here and always has been.

I was not altogether surprised to read that he has not spoken to his brother or father for the past five years.

He will make any divorce and settlement as long, expensive and protracted as possible. Do not do any form of mediation with this man under any circumstances.

PopularNamesInclude · 18/02/2015 14:50

You've been married for 20 years and helped him build his business, and he reckons he gets both homes? Hahahahahaha. Find a lawyer NOW. Secure all financial information and critical paperwork. Store it all outside your home if you feel it necessary. Seriously, get off mumsnet and get a lawyer. Joint accounts or seperate?

wallypops · 18/02/2015 14:54

Seriously things are not going to go the way he thinks at all. Just lawyer up with the best lawyer you can find - someone who gets it and you. My guess is this is going to be a long one. Detach detach detach.

PopularNamesInclude · 18/02/2015 14:54

And do not worry about justifying your decision to outsiders. I guarantee that he's about to make it crystal clear why you're ltb.

ButtercupChin · 18/02/2015 14:54

The problem is - if someone says to me - why do you want to leave - all my reasons individually sound so trivial and people see me as a strong person

Firstly, it's nobody else's business, and secondly you might be surprised that people rarely ask why. It's quite a rude question really, when you think about it. You can have a few stock phrases "we just grew apart" or "we ended up making each other unhappy" if you don't want to say the truth which would be "He is an abusive wanker and I deserve better"

Original poster
rubydrew · 18/02/2015 14:57

Thankyou - you are like a bunch of little angels - I'm sitting here in floods of tears because I'm so touched that people I've never met are helping me like this.

OP posts:
GallicIsCharlie · 18/02/2015 14:57

Some of those people will have noticed how closely he controlled you, and have more sympathy than you expect. For now I agree it's kindest all round to say something vague about being different in private, growing apart, and so forth. Those who can understand, will - but they may feel pushed to take sides, so please build your own trusted support system.

As your sons are at the ages where they're developing their own relationship styles, I feel it's very important to explain to them that H's frequent contemptuous behaviour has hurt you so much over the years that you have to end this for your sanity's sake. You'll choose your own phrasing of course, but it really is crucial they understand that this isn't an OK way to treat people who love us, and that we choose not to keep bullies in our lives.

GallicIsCharlie · 18/02/2015 14:58

Nah, we're vipers Grin Hadn't you heard??

ImperialBlether · 18/02/2015 15:00

I think you'll be surprised at the fact that many are not surprised. You are used to his controlling ways and I'm sure he's given the game away more than once when others are present.

Jan45 · 18/02/2015 15:02

Again, who cares what everyone else thinks, they don't have to put up with him on a daily basis and anyway I'm sure the bullying is reserved just for you - he won't run for the hills, he enjoys kicking you as it makes him feel bigger, literally makes him feel taller - what an absolute saddo of a man to feel the need to do these things.

I bet you anything if you do start the ball rolling re separation you'll be surprised at how many will back you up and probably will admit they don't think he's all that - I think most of that is your head, maybe he was nice when you first met but he sure isn't anymore - he will never make you happy cos he's an unhappy unpleasant person and that won't change now, we all lose parents etc, it's life, we don't take our troubles out on folk, it's all excuses.

GoatsDoRoam · 18/02/2015 15:02

The problem is - if someone says to me - why do you want to leave - all my reasons individually sound so trivial and people see me as a strong person .... they wouldnt understand why I don't just wear what I want or choose the curtains I want (yes really!!!)

If someone told you that they were divorcing, would you cross-examine and pick apart their reasons for leaving? Or just accept it, and offer sympathies?

Anyone who is so crass as to deny you your right to make your own choices is, frankly, a bully. Like your husband.
Also, anyone who says "Well, why didn't you just..." is either ignorant, or a victim-blamer.

You really don't need to justify this to anyone but yourself.
Even to your boys, explaining that you don't feel happy with their father, is enough. You can even say that you don't feel free to make your own decisions - I think they've seen enough and experienced enough to have an idea of what you might mean by that.

And I believe that a lot more people than you think will have an inkling of what life was like for you with this man.

Original poster
rubydrew · 18/02/2015 15:06

You're right - he's not going to change is he. I need to start the process - on one side I'm almost excited at having my own life and being able to dye my hair whatever colour I want and have a cat but on the other I never thought I'd get divorced and the idea of christmas etc makes me sad.
What I do know is that I never want to get married again!

OP posts:
Handywoman · 18/02/2015 15:09

My experience is that actually, quite a few people ask why you're getting divorced!

My case was similar in the sense that my stbxh was, in public, the most affable, warm, charming and family orientated man (he was in fact the opposite) which caused people to ask why we had split up. Some people just couldn't quite accept it when I told them the truth.

But now that he has made it quite clear what an unelievably inept and disinterested father he is, those people are starting to believe it, finally.

However this pales into insignificance compared with the feeling of getting free from a controlling, angry abusive man. Just play the long game, OP.

Get yourself a very good solicitor, OP.

GallicIsCharlie · 18/02/2015 15:13

Last month, a friend of mine finally got her Mad Controller out of her house. She's been terribly concerned about how her children would take it.

They've commented that the atmosphere at home is much nicer, it seems easier to get stuff done, and Daddy's nicer now he's in Disney visitor mode! Two of them have been displaying some behaviour problems over the past couple of years: all miraculously resolved within a fortnight.

Quitelikely · 18/02/2015 15:13

If anyone asks you could always say 'it was no longer working out' then change the conversation.

Original poster
rubydrew · 18/02/2015 15:13

Genius! GoatsDoRoam - that's exactly what I'll say to the boys.

OP posts:
Original poster
rubydrew · 18/02/2015 15:21

One of the things that has made me face up to this was hearing that a friend had left her husband and finding out that he had been bullying/abusing her for years. Everyone was commenting on how little we knew about what went on behind closed doors and I was sitting there wondering whether my husband even put himself in the same category.

I have a fabulous friend - irish and mad who spreads gossip like the plague - interestingly she has seen the 'evil' side of my husband. We were at lunch with them and he asked why I wasn't wearing his mothers ring - I didn't want to tell him that I couldnt find it but he made me drive home to look for it. Eventually of course I found it but meanwhile everyone at lunch had seen me in floods of tears and him in full scary mode.
Perhaps if I tell her - she'll do the telling for me.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 18/02/2015 15:25

I can see that Christmas would be a problem; it is for so many families. I would say there are certain rules:

a) Both of your children should spend their time together at Christmas, so you don't have one child while your husband has the other
b) On Christmas Day they should see both of you, as long as you are both living nearby
c) You (can't speak for him) should appear cheerful about them seeing their dad at any time

GallicIsCharlie · 18/02/2015 15:26

Hah! I like your thinking! It's really handy that he's let the mask slip at least once in public (probably more, actually.) This will give them all a chance to air their real views on him as a partner, amongst themselves and without bias. See how things shake down, but don't worry too much about what people will think.

Jan45 · 18/02/2015 15:26

Ruby, your friend sounds fab, call her in! I have found never to judge a book by its cover - in other words, I have seen lots of couples who on the outside look perfect, behind closed doors it's a completely different scenario, folk will already have a gut instinct that he's not a good guy.

Call on as many friends as possible, he isn't going to make this easy for you, he's losing his punch bag.

GoatsDoRoam · 18/02/2015 15:27

I think your irish friend probably has already done the telling for you, after that incident...

PurpleWithRed · 18/02/2015 15:31

On a practical note, start collecting all the financial information you can get your hands on, including pension (his and yours). You're part of a wealthy long marriage, the starting assumption is that all the assets are shared marital assets and you split them 50:50, horses and all. There is no 'his' and 'yours'. So get photocopying and get to a solicitor.

You're in control now baby!

Branleuse · 18/02/2015 15:33

He is actually abusing you mentally Rubydew. Youre not mad, but hes trying to drive you mad.

If anyone asks, say that he was controlling and abusive, but the chances are they wont ask x

ImperialBlether · 18/02/2015 15:50

So you and he were out at a meal, he discovered that you had mislaid a ring and made you leave the meal to go home to find it?

I really don't want to be horrible here, OP, but do you really think your friends don't know what he's like?

I don't know anyone like him. I don't know any man who would ask why his wife wasn't wearing a particular ring - it isn't they wouldn't ask, they just wouldn't think about it. And if they did, in a kind of "Oh I thought you'd be wearing my mum's ring today given that it's her birthday" (sorry, still can't imagine it) then I don't know anyone who would make you get up and travel home to find the ring.

So the fact your friends witnessed that tells all of us here, I think, that your friends at that event at any rate have him sussed.

chimchimini · 18/02/2015 16:00

Honestly there really isn't much to say is there? Agree totally with what every one else has said. Agree he will try and control the divorce (but I'm sure if you get a good solicitor they will have seen this a hundred times before). Agree you should start getting copies of all the financial paperwork. Can you access the bank accounts, savings accounts etc? If so, get copies of all the latest statements plus any other investments/pensions. I'd also get your and the kids documents/passports etc and keep all these papers in one place so that if for any reason you do need to leave in a hurry you just need to grab one box. Change your passwords on everything.

Tell your friend. Tell your family. Once it's no longer a secret he's lost his control over you.