is my husband controlling or am i going mad

[rubydrew]

Hello

I'm new and needed some female input because I'm worried I'm going mad!
I've been married 20 years and it's not all been smooth sailing but it's really bad now and I think I'm in a controlled relationship. I can't do anything right for my husband - the house is never clean enough - I don't buy the right food, I haven't done anything that he asked me to do properly and it ends up with him saying 'I might as well just do it myself'. He ignores what I have done. If we're going out he'll tell me what to wear, what jewellry to put on and makes it clear if he doesn't like what I'm wearing. If I say something that upsets him then he doesn't believe it wasn't on purpose and will then give me the silent treatment sometimes for days. Then suddenly he'll be fine and ask me if there's something wrong with me because I'm being quiet.
I know it doesn't sound that bad but I'm a strong, clever person and I feel like I've been reduced to a mass of insecurities. As far as the outside world is concerned he is a fabulous jolly person and he makes me look like the controlling one.
Only me, my boys of 20 and 15 and a few people who have seen the other side of him know what he's really like.

would really appreciate any help.

Oh Ruby! He won't understand. He's too old and set in his ways. It's his way or the highway. He's only upset because you are choosing to leave him and he did not dismiss you when he was ready.

This sounds exactly like my ex, who was also an EA.

I left him, which was probably the hardest, scariest thing I've ever done.
After a while I was sucked back in by him, he promised the earth, flowers, promises that he understood, changed, loved me, you name it he did it, it seemed perfect.

You know what happened? After just TWO WEEKS, he'd started to ignore me and his behaviour was even worse I think by me going back, he thought he had more control as he then knew he could always pull me back..

I agree with melon, text him back and say:

No I don't want to go to Barbados, I want a divorce!

Then ignore and don't engage in any further conversations.

Oh i see ... *doh. Sorry, I've been responding as if you were more than half way out the door

What do you want to do, rubydrew? Leave it or fix it? I happen to think that conditions like this might be tolerated at best but, intrinsically, they are life draining. The effects are likely the same as living with abuse unless you are a Saint.

Do you want to keep absorbing the effects? Does having a condition mean it's ok? He is unlikely to ever recognise that his way of being is unreasonable because he is hard-wired differently.

Ruby, I have posted that link so much on here, there are so many people with that personality disorder, it must be hell to live with.

awhile ago you posted this:

I genuinely think that he wants to make it work and doesn't understand what he's done - but I don't understand why he doesn't acknowledge anything I've said in these texts and when he says he takes the blame there's no remorse or apology?

This is because he cannot apologise or regret his own state of being. None of us can really do that, I suppose, because it would cause a meltdown of identity. However, he feels no remorse etc because he is incapable of that feeling. He is not wired to feel these things that make interacting equally and responsively with others "work".

With the texts, he had an almost Asperger's type focus. The Qn at hand was about Barbados. His disquiet was caused by your non answer to that specific. He never saw the rest. He couldn't see it. It might as well have been a different language. In a way it was.

This is a very simplistic view and I'm sure someone more knowledgeable could slice and dice my response. But in the end, do you want to live like this, given that he can't/is unlikely to change?

There may well be techniques you could learn to communicate better but the constant work compromise and self-sacrifice will be yours.

Can you imagine living like this for the next 30+ years? Growing old together with his emotional abuse and you becoming a smaller withdrawn version of you, not allowed to choose your own clothes. Or god forbid if you became ill or needed care and he had to provide that. Can you live like that?

Or spending the next 30 years seeing your friends and dressing how you like, coming through your front door and not worrying about the mood you're walking into. Making whatever you like for tea and having no one to answer to but yourself?

The second option is the result of divorce but will be worth it for you.

has anyone managed to make their other half understand what they are doing

You think that if only he understood the impact of his behaviour then he would stop?

You've explained it to him. He is not dim. He is a successful powerful man. Clearly he is intelligent.

In any case, his behaviour is so outrageous that it doesn't actually need explaining. He mostly hides his bad behaviour from other people, so obviously he knows he would be seen to be wrong by others.

The logical conclusion is that he cares more about making himself happy by controlling you than he cares about making you happy.

OP - do you think he is like this by mistake? He knows exactly what he is doing here.

Hello OP - just read your thread.

He doesn't apologise because he doesn't think he's got anything to apologise for

He doesn't express remorse because he doesn't feel it!

Cn I remind you of what you said on 19 Feb?

"We are supposed to be going on holiday just the two of us in 10 days and bizzarely I have checked his emails and he hasn't cancelled it and his work diary is empty. I have a horrid feeling he's going to do an about turn and suggest we try and patch things up while away - when I say no he's going to go ballistic."

On the money front OP let me assure you:

• you will not be left destitute (get a lawyer NOW)
• no amount of money will make you feel like freedom does

Ruby, people do have therapy for OCPD, the success rate is virtually nil in older people. So don't even bother to imagine that your marriage can be fixed.

I must once again tell you one of the fundamental symptoms of an EA is the nice/nasty cycle.
he was stone walling you in his office about a week ago....now he is back pedaling, with half hearted sounds of remorse, blame & a sodding holiday.

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. It's a trap, it is the classic "reeling back in" that you must have read about. have you looked ? there is a lot of information easily found on the internet.
Please ring Womens Aid, (best time in the evening, often busy throughout the day) speak to someone trained to help you see the truth of your situation.
They have seen it all before, there is no shame, it is confidential.
Make a few notes beforehand ... "not allowed to choose my clothing, etc."

Please do NOT even for a second be duped by this, or if you do, about a week after returning from holiday it will be back to square one, or worse.

I haven't looked at any of this on the internet - I hadn't even considered that there was an issue that could be officially defined - that 's why I came here because none of it made any sense to me - I genuinely thought up until about a month ago that I was the problem. So when anyone suggests that I must have read about things don't understand how little I know about how this works which is why I'm finding it such a struggle. 20 years of marriage which has only just revealed itself as a sham

Does it help though OP to know this is a Thing? You are (very sadly) not alone and most definitely not imagining it

I know, it's a surprise to discover that one's shoddy marriage is actually a defined by an emotionally abusive condition... There are repeated cases on MN of people 20 odd years into their sad sorry marriages who discover that it is manipulative abuse on the part of the partner. If only there had been more information for us sooner.
Re the children.. Don't worry they aren't happy to see you abused. It is an appalling model for them.
Sorry it may be hard to shrug off that lead weight. But think how liberating your life will be.
There have been loads of books advised by other MN women who will hopefully be along with the titles. You will be awestruck reading about you life & why you have been manipulated & abused for so long.
Sorry can't get the titles now i'm at the garage waiting fir my car to be serviced ! Be strong. Don't tell him anything just get an aptmt asap with a family lawyer. Womens aid may be able to help with a list of lawyers who are up to speed on this issue ?

fuck! I think I've done it. I phoned and told him to cancel the holiday and told him that I was calling time on the marriage and I couldn't go on being treated like this.
Long story (2 hours!) but he said nothing! Apart from saying that if he was as much of a monster as I said then he wouldn't want to be married to me! Is that passive aggressive??

Bottom line - he is coming home this weekend and I have said we need to talk and I told him that I had my ducks in a row (thankyou whoever gave me that phrase!) and I was all ready to go - but that I wouldn't be leaving the house.

I feel great!! I've said things that I've wanted to say for years and I actually made him acknowledge that he had been unkind and controlling.

Just wish I could go on the holiday by myself!!!!!!

Thankyou everyone - I genuinely would not be even near this stage without this support!!xxxxxxxxxxxx

Be careful not to tip your hand. Talk only about the nuts and bolts of things. Listen to what he has to say, but do not rise to anything if he tries to provoke. If you can, mentally note anything he mentions that might be of relevance (with mine, it was how much he thought the house was valued, which was useful to know). Never agree to anything there and then - say "I'll have to think about it", and then actually do think about it for a couple of days before deciding anything.

Go you!

Okay - all taken on board.

Go Go Ruby!!! You're amazzzzing:)

Bravo Rubes !
detach detach detach
Do not get pulled in to squabbling, & tit for tat. for any pressing questions, the same answer, I will think it over, or I will discuss it with my solicitor etc

Someone mentioned a concept of a "bubble", like a force field that you mentally construct around you, you fill it with all your precious things, its nice in there, music, flowers, books anything you like, smells, friends... you can hear, you can speak, but all the poison & pressure can't get into you own private space...

It's a trap, it is the classic "reeling back in" that you must have read about. have you looked ? there is a lot of information easily found on the internet.

Google hoovering and personality disorder or hoover manoeuvre.

Hoovering is a thing and it doesn't involve a Dyson.

outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Hoovering.html

Oh my bubble is beyond fabulous - beyonce's blaring and I've got a full cocktail cabinet - it's my happy place!!!!!

just googled hoover manoeuvre - I hadn't heard of it but I think my gut told me exactly that would happen - I'm ready for it and have no doubt it will happen as he's already said to me - ' If we divorce then I'm obviously a horrible husband so will never find anyone else'

Ruby, I've just read your full thread and throughout it I prayed for a post from you like the one above.
Well done to you and good work pps x

thankyou thankyou thankyou