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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

is my husband controlling or am i going mad

205 replies

rubydrew · 18/02/2015 13:34

Hello

I'm new and needed some female input because I'm worried I'm going mad!
I've been married 20 years and it's not all been smooth sailing but it's really bad now and I think I'm in a controlled relationship. I can't do anything right for my husband - the house is never clean enough - I don't buy the right food, I haven't done anything that he asked me to do properly and it ends up with him saying 'I might as well just do it myself'. He ignores what I have done. If we're going out he'll tell me what to wear, what jewellry to put on and makes it clear if he doesn't like what I'm wearing. If I say something that upsets him then he doesn't believe it wasn't on purpose and will then give me the silent treatment sometimes for days. Then suddenly he'll be fine and ask me if there's something wrong with me because I'm being quiet.
I know it doesn't sound that bad but I'm a strong, clever person and I feel like I've been reduced to a mass of insecurities. As far as the outside world is concerned he is a fabulous jolly person and he makes me look like the controlling one.
Only me, my boys of 20 and 15 and a few people who have seen the other side of him know what he's really like.

would really appreciate any help.

OP posts:
DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 19/02/2015 14:32

Well begun, half done.

Now, may a paranoid old git give you some advice on security and information management? First, if you have an Android phone, install Call Recorder on it. Then, assuming you have a laptop, install Google Drive on it. All the recordings go on Drive, as do emails, photos of letters, voice recordings (you need to record EVERY conversation you have with him henceforth). This means you won't lose stuff if (when) he starting smashing stuff or hacking you.
If he has access to the PC or lappy, you may need a virtual machine on a USB stick. VMWare do a non-commercial player which can build you a minimal Linux installation. This lives on the stick, along with your email accounts, Drive folders, a diary of his behaviour (very important as the solicitor will tell you).
Don't ask for help from your DCs with this. They need deniability for their own piece of mind.
He's going to be an absolute cunt. As long as you document his arseholery, you will come through this.
Personal safety: is his body language ever aggressive? Does he get too close, thrust his head forward, widen his eyes? If he does, he may resort to violence when you fail to comply. Make sure you can leave the room or there are people in screaming distance.

Courage.

Original poster
rubydrew · 19/02/2015 15:05

Yes - his body language is aggressive - he told me a couple of years ago that he had come very close to hitting me ... I simply can't believe he would actually do it. I know it's a truly terrible thing to say but I almost wish he would then I would have proof. The thing he does which really scares me is when he is in a bad mood in the car he drives really really fast because he knows that worries me.
Thanks for all the technical help - so if I have an i-phone I can install an ap which records every conversation? I can't believe I haven't thought of that before.
Am seeing him tomorrow - he's asked me to go in to sign some documents and when I asked what he just said it was business stuff - presumably if I ask him to explain exactly what in front of other people and he doesn't or he misrepresents then if I find out at a later date that it's something dodgy it can't be legal??

OP posts:
IonaNE · 19/02/2015 15:26

Ruby, having read the thread from the beginning, I would be very weary of signing anything right now, and especially "business stuff" (it might be an attempt to move assets to where you and your lawyer can't touch them later). Other people present - it depends on whose witnesses they are, his or yours. But at this stage I think I would try to ask for some time, then arrange the signing again and have a lawyer present. My lawyer.

RandomFriend · 19/02/2015 15:26

OP, you are not going mad.

Don't sign anything that he gives you on the day - take the documents away for signature and return them to him the next day or next week.

Coyoacan · 19/02/2015 16:18

he's asked me to go in to sign some documents and when I asked what he just said it was business stuff

What kind of explanation is that? Another one saying don't sign anything until you have read it and properly understood it.

pertempsnooo · 19/02/2015 16:35

OP not sure I would go to even look at this paperwork. You need good legal advice ASAP and he knows that!
Driving fast... Ugh what a vile person he is!

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 19/02/2015 16:38

Wow! Good on you for standing up to him.

You do need Real Life support ASAP and, from what you have said, once you start talking, I think your friends will be utterly supportive.

Also agree that you need legal advice. DO NOT SIGN ANYTHING!

PopularNamesInclude · 19/02/2015 16:56

Do not sign anything. Do take a copy of anything he wants you to sign and put it in the Big Folder of Documents that you share with your solicitor.
You don't have to meet with him at all, you know.

Zzzexhaustedzzz · 19/02/2015 17:01

This is going to be a difficult stage, at least you have two houses and potentially can stay away from each other while you sort things out. He sounds like the sort who could become threatening and violent if you aren't complying to his wishes re the separation. If the chances are you would be the main carer through courts etc then men know they will end up paying maintenance to someone they resent and oh! They don't like that! Especially when the idea of another man enters the equation. It may not come to your mind yet but it'll be in his sooner I guarantee. Because also then he would have to know about you being happy with someone who wasn't a complete prick.

Cnmorgan13 · 19/02/2015 18:30

Thinking of you OP. You are a remarkably tough lady xx

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/02/2015 18:39

I'm not even sure I'd meet someone who had acted in such a threatening manner in the past. Even if violence hasn't been a feature of a relationship, the point at which the abuser knows they have lost can be a flash point. So please keep your safety uppermost in your mind, don't be alone with him, don't get in a car with him and certainly don't sign anything. If he so much as raises his voice, get yourself away.

Original poster
rubydrew · 19/02/2015 18:49

But I know for a fact that he does not have a clue that he's done anything wrong so if I were to say I didn't want to be alone with him because I was worried he would look at me like I was a nutter and tell me I was losing my mind. He's at home on sat evening to see the youngest - so am just going to act completely normal, cook dinner etc and avoid being on my own with him.

OP posts:
RandomFriend · 19/02/2015 18:50

I think Cog is right - meeting him could be dangerous.

Original poster
rubydrew · 19/02/2015 18:50

Did I really just say that he doesn't have a clue he's done anything wrong!!! That's how I've been letting this happen for so long isn't it

OP posts:
RandomFriend · 19/02/2015 18:51

he then said that I needed to move out of the house because he had his horses there!!! He would stay in london during the week and at home at the weekend whilst putting me up in some rental. .... He then said he would give me an allowance to live off

Does he think he can say all of that and then you would just cook dinner as normal? Has he said things like that before? Keep safe, OP.

RandomFriend · 19/02/2015 18:52

cross-post both times.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/02/2015 18:57

You have to grapple some control back out of this situation. He doesn't appear to take you seriously at all, his behaviour as you describe it is a huge concern and I don't think more appeasement is necessarily the right strategy. Would you consider calling Women's Aid for advice? Or 101 for the police DV team? This may seem like an overreaction to you but I think you need the reassurance that someone has your back just in case he decides to carry out one of his earlier threats.

Original poster
rubydrew · 19/02/2015 18:59

The fact of the matter is that he has convinced himself I am the problem = I can gain nothing at this stage by trying to dissuade him of that. What I am concentrating on now is keeping everything calm so I can move forward.
We are supposed to be going on holiday just the two of us in 10 days and bizzarely I have checked his emails and he hasn't cancelled it and his work diary is empty. I have a horrid feeling he's going to do an about turn and suggest we try and patch things up while away - when I say no he's going to go ballistic.

OP posts:
Original poster
rubydrew · 19/02/2015 19:01

The thought of him finding out I'd called someone or had even had this conversation makes me go cold.

OP posts:
Adarajames · 19/02/2015 19:25

Oh poor you, you really don't see how abusive he's been to you do you if you need to ask if you are to blame when you are so scared of him and his behaviour to be afraid f a conversation like this. Flowers and a hug for you, and do reach out for all the uppity can, both here and in RL, as you'll need it to get away from him which is so completely what you need to do! Definitely DONT go away with him please, you'd be putting yourself at big risk! Get the paperwork / financial evidence and important docs and items together and get rid x

RandomNPC · 19/02/2015 19:41

He is Gaslighting, a term I was unaware of before I joined MN.

Gfplux · 19/02/2015 19:57

You sound in a very bad situation.
Good Luck.

goneanonymous · 19/02/2015 20:05

I have hopefully slipped into my alternative NN because STBexH knows my posting name on here!

I just wanted to say stay strong, you will question yourself over the coming months, feel like you are making a fuss, worry about your children and lots of other doubts but you are doing the right thing. Get a great solicitor and stand your ground, do not sign anything tomorrow. I was married to a similar man, clever, strong me let someone chip away at my sense of self and my belief in myself and I couldn't even see it. My decree absolute comes through on March 21st and I feel amazing, light as air and so positive. I can't describe how amazing it feels to run my own house, wear what I want, colour my nails, be as loud as I like or just plain silly. I am light as air and he is still clueless and doesn't understand how he could possibly have done anything wrong. I think the main point is you can't reason with him or make him understand the problem, it just won't compute so carry on, see a solicitor and move through all the different stages then get divorced, calmly and strongly. If anyone asks (and not as many people do as you would think) just say you were unhappy, don't apportion blame. If MN has taught me anything it's you don't have to live with someone who makes you unhappy.

PopularNamesInclude · 19/02/2015 20:12

You do not have to carry on as normal. Hire a lawyer and start divorcing him. It really does not matter any longer what he thinks!

Original poster
rubydrew · 19/02/2015 20:13

Wow! you sound so happy - it's funny - it is the little things I miss making choices about - good on you!
I hope I'm posting positive messages like you in a year.

OP posts: