is my husband controlling or am i going mad

[rubydrew]

Hello

I'm new and needed some female input because I'm worried I'm going mad!
I've been married 20 years and it's not all been smooth sailing but it's really bad now and I think I'm in a controlled relationship. I can't do anything right for my husband - the house is never clean enough - I don't buy the right food, I haven't done anything that he asked me to do properly and it ends up with him saying 'I might as well just do it myself'. He ignores what I have done. If we're going out he'll tell me what to wear, what jewellry to put on and makes it clear if he doesn't like what I'm wearing. If I say something that upsets him then he doesn't believe it wasn't on purpose and will then give me the silent treatment sometimes for days. Then suddenly he'll be fine and ask me if there's something wrong with me because I'm being quiet.
I know it doesn't sound that bad but I'm a strong, clever person and I feel like I've been reduced to a mass of insecurities. As far as the outside world is concerned he is a fabulous jolly person and he makes me look like the controlling one.
Only me, my boys of 20 and 15 and a few people who have seen the other side of him know what he's really like.

would really appreciate any help.

Tell him you won't be signing anything until you have taken legal advice. Any rental properties he is researching will be for himself as you & the DC's will not be leaving. Time for him to have a reality check.

It's been nearly exactly a year, I'm not going to promise it's been easy but nothing worth having is. It's sad at times because I mourn for the relationship I had hoped for but the joy out weighs it by SO much. We'd been together 20 plus years too and I have tried very hard to make it work but sometimes you have to accept that you both have to want things to change otherwise there's no point. My children are doing really well too, I'm very proud of them and how they have stepped up to the changes.

You know what I used to wake up unhappy, sometimes in tears and now I wake up every morning and the first thing I do is smile.

can i ask how old your children are and how much youve told them?

One the same as your youngest and the two girls are a bit younger again. I let it happen really organically (does that make any sense?) which is easy for me as H is lazy and weirdly passive at times (you can say anything to him really, it slides off like teflon and the next time you go in the room he just smiles at you and it's like nothing ever happened, really creepy and makes having any kind of discussion impossible) so casually let them know he was going to be living somewhere else to help out a friend, let him come in and out a bit and recently just told them he wouldn't be living here ever again. They were fine about it. Or trying to protect my feelings. Don't know but they are great in themselves, doing really well at school, teachers happy with them. I don't imagine the older ones were that happy living with him either! One important factor in my decision is that I didn't want them to grow up and leave home thinking that this is the normal way an adult relationship functions. Need to stop it spreading to the next generation!

So that's not really helpful is it? Your H isn't passive by the sound of things and your children are older. I think my biggest mistake with my children is that I left it and left it because I wasn't brave enough to say it out loud. They are tougher than you think and know an awful lot more than you imagine too!

Disgrace, that was superb advice in all respects.

Ruby - you are waking up very quickly now, which is a joy to behold. I feel you're still under-estimating the extent of the abuse you've been experiencing. In many cases, it's advisable to try and appease a bully while you get your ducks in a row. The time for that may yet come in your situation (I hope not) but cooking dinner and playing happy families this weekend is not the time. He is no-one's idea of a reasonable person; try pretending he can be, and you'll end up gaslighting yourself!

Don't sign anything.
Do keep meticulous and inaccessible records.
Make some other arrangement for the weekend.
I also recommend getting advice from Women's Aid.

You will find that, as your style changes, so will his. This can be fascinating to observe but fascination requires more detachment than you have at present. At present you think you know how he'll behave. You don't, because you've never behaved as you are now. He sounds potentially very dangerous to me.

It's often useful to be very still, calm and boring. Request clarifications. Make pleasant but dull conversational noises. You may well see his greatest emotional performance - devastated, repentant, and still blaming you. Calm dullness is an excellent response to this. Whatever you do, don't go away on holiday with him!!

How are you fixed for human company at the moment? Have you started telling your friends?

God - you sound like you had my life ..... especially the 'acting like nothing happened'. I think you're right about what it does to them - with two boys I wonder whether I'm sending the wrong messages about how they should treat women and I can imagine that with girls you would be desperate for them not to repeat the same mistakes.

At the moment tho - for them this is 'normal' and I think my battle is going to be explaining that, not only is it not normal, its not acceptable

Do you know, I would never knowingly upset anybody, but I can identify with a lot of what you are saying. Is he having an affair? Being blunt, hope I am wrong, don't always appreciate bluntness myself, but you must stand p and be counted...it's not normal, never will be and will get worse. Just read your most recent post and so many of the points resonate with me...seek some help before you end up like I did...sending you love and wishing you luck x

Yes. You are sending the wrong messages about how to treat women.

You're correcting this now. Good for you

They know what bullying is, don't they?
Do they have PHSE at school (or whatever it's called)?
A discussion about mutual respect & safety in relationships will probably go much more easily than you expect.

Wow! Lucy - thankyou!
I've sent a couple of texts to friends who I have spoken to in the past about him - and I've started making a mental list of people that I can speak to and I know will believe me .... and that's a major concern for me.
I really understand the comment about gaslighting myself (only learnt about gaslighting yesterday!) and my head hurts with trying to figure it out but I know for a fact that if I disappear this weekend it will cause more problems than if I don't. I have read up on 'silent treatment' etc and it advises that if I act normally then I am not rewarding his behaviour with tears etc. so I think that's my best bet.

OK, you're more detached than I thought Do, please, take care of your mental & emotional health - I'm glad you're sorting out your support system, and remember you can dump any niggles here as well as the big issues.

Okay - so I went into the office today (after having spent last night throwing up with a bug my DS gave me!). The bank and lawyers were in there and asked me if someone had explained it all to me! They then explained that it was simply that we were changing banks and I was still a prime signitary and nothing could change without me. I haven't signed yet and am showing it to a friend who's a solicitor.
My husband completely blanked me in front of the entire office which was embarrassing but made him look like a twat so that's no bad thing.
I said to him that DS was feeling better but that I now had it and he said 'Oh really!'. Why would someone do that?
I actually laughed when I left because it was so stupid ... he's starting to make this easier for me.

You really need to hire a divorce lawyer, Ruby. Maybe your friend has suggestions? Hope you are feeling better. Lots of sleep and fluids and be very good to yourself.

No sleep unfortunately! Last night I dreamt that he was lovely to me and I woke up feeling really sad

Ahh Ruby, it IS sad. He's let you down and shattered your hopes and dreams. This isn't how it's meant to be is it? But it's what we have. I certainly felt duped when I realised how wrong I was about my XH. It took me 14 years to realise he was a total narcissist.

I had one day about two weeks ago - just one in six months - which I can only describe as sheer grief. I think the only thing you can do is acknowledge your feelings and let yourself have them. It doesn't mean you are weakening or that you will go back, it means you are letting go.

You are moving in the right direction l the time. And we are here if you need support.

Ruby, as you have now come to understand yours is a classic case of emotional abuse. does he control the money, does he complain on expenses, does he criticise your hobbies, or basically make you give them up ? Does he dislike your friends & family ? Does he effectively isolate you ?
As you know it can come in cycles, whereby he may now start being remorseful, or apparently changing & begging you to rethink, that he realizes he has been unkind, it's the stress of work, he will try harder, he will go to therapy, he will make amends.......
NO, don't be suckered, its part of the game, he may indeed start to be pleasant & repentant, but it is a symptom of EA.
Cut your losses, get a good family lawyer, (possibly female ?)
This changing bank thing sounds like he is doing something dodgy to me.

Start making notes of all the most extreme cases of EA you have experienced, like the ring episode. to be able to make you situation crystal clear to the lawyer
Please get copies of mortgage deeds/pensions/savings/passports/ as many docs you can find, if you can't find them try ringing the mortgage copy & ask if you can get a copy. are you joint owners? do you have joint bank accounts ? if so, open a new account for yourself & start putting money in it. don't tell him & make sure your statements are addressed to you, if there is any chance of him getting to the mail before you, then get stuff sent to a friend.
Make sure you change passwords on your phone & computer.

As for starting to stand up for yourself, I'm not entirely sure you should, I think you should remain completely neutral for now, whilst you prepare your escape. Because it is an escape from misery.

Have you got a sister ? you really do need to confide in someone in real life. Someone to tell you,whilst looking at you in the eye, that you have been in an abusive marriage, that it is not uncommon, that you are guilty of nothing, & are entitled to say "enough".

Go onto WA site & do the questionnaire re whether you are in an abusive relationship, how many boxes did you tick ? Does that confirm to you, that you are not imagining this ? YOU ARE NOT.

Fantastic advice on here, especially do NOT sign anything.
Ask your solicitor friend to recommend a good divorce lawyer.

Frankly in this sort of business situation it might be that you should hire a lawyer to be with you at these meetings. Their sole role would be to protect your interests.
Yes that doe sound like a soap script but perhaps that is what you need. From your description you have large sums of money to protect.

Yes he does control the money but always says to me that he's never stopped me having anything I want - it's just always on his terms. He makes me feel that my hobbies are ridiculous and that I should be doing stuff in the house.
As far as telling someone close to me - I do have a sister but unfortunately she's married to one of his best friends and I have no doubt whatsoever that he has been told what a nightmare I am!
The person I could talk to is my mother because she's never really liked him and I think would not be at all surprised - however she's 80 and it would devastate her so I just can't bring myself to do it.
Its going to be really hard to tell someone as I know they will be gobsmacked - I think maybe I have to bite the bullet and book an apt with a therapist before that so that I can have someone objectively tell me that it's not an acceptable situation!
Yes - there is a lot of money which is spent on his terms so I am incredibly lucky in that I know I can be financially independent - I say lucky but then I spent the first 10 years of our marriage working incredibly long hours and weekends pulling in a salary of 70K because he needed to build his business! If I had never married the arsehole then I would still be financially independent!
sorry - ranting now!

I really don't think everyone will be gobsmacked - but, yes, it is a good idea to talk with a therapist to get your thoughts & words straight :) Are you quite sure your mum will be devastated? Might she, after all, be quite relieved & sympathetic?

Ranting is GOOD You're absolutely right, of course. "His" money was accrued on the back of your labours - don't you dare forget this!!

Surprised no one else has said so yet but try to pull back from 'doing' things for him
Washing, cooking, picking up after, finding things he mislaid.
Become a drifter! And if you have money, go do some things for yourself. Massage, hair cut, new clothes.
Then just don't engage with him.
When it comes to divorce, there doesn't need to be a reason other than I find his actions unreasonable (list a few for good measure)
He can also divorce you for the same. But it doesn't change the financial ending, and especially not when children are involved.

Okay - I need some advice now.

2 weeks of not talking and now he is on his way back - has broken his hand riding and has gone to A & E.
Incredibly jolly and loving on phone - can't believe it! A while ago I would be relieved that the silent treatment was over - he would come home and ask me if I was okay because I seem distant. Need to know how to handle it this time. Am so angry that I don't know how to handle it. If I'm fine then the cycle will begin again and if I try and address it then the silent treatment / divorce threats begin again. He's been staying with friends and I'm assuming he's talked to them about me and maybe they've suggested he's the unreasonable one? maybe?

WHAT DO I DO?

I'm sorry to keep bothering all of you but it has just changed my world talking to these people I dont know.

Apologies not needed, Ruby :)

What do you WANT to do? It's your life now.

You can send him back to his friends'.

You can go and stay somewhere else if you wish, with or without one or both DC.

You can make this your first exercise in 'bland drifter' activity.

If he's going to lay emotional pressure on you (and it sounds v much like he is) I honestly recommend either getting yourself out of the house, or him. Preferably him, but would you like a few nights at a nice hotel, for instance, or a visit to distant friends?

Ruby I've read the thread but not commented before. I was, for many years, married to a PA man who sulked on an epic scale when he didn't get his own way. My instinct is to contradict Gallic, and to advise you to swallow your anger temporarily and let him play 'happy families'. Use this time to get your ducks in a row, photocopy documents & bank statements, and find a good solicitor. Then make your unilateral declaration of independence. Controlling men do not react at all well when their control is challenged.

re read my post, I told you this is a cycle to reel you back in
IT IS A COMMON SYMPTOM
just stay calm & neutral, do not get angry with him, you need to see a lawyer before alerting him to your awakening from his trance