is my husband controlling or am i going mad

[rubydrew]

Hello

I'm new and needed some female input because I'm worried I'm going mad!
I've been married 20 years and it's not all been smooth sailing but it's really bad now and I think I'm in a controlled relationship. I can't do anything right for my husband - the house is never clean enough - I don't buy the right food, I haven't done anything that he asked me to do properly and it ends up with him saying 'I might as well just do it myself'. He ignores what I have done. If we're going out he'll tell me what to wear, what jewellry to put on and makes it clear if he doesn't like what I'm wearing. If I say something that upsets him then he doesn't believe it wasn't on purpose and will then give me the silent treatment sometimes for days. Then suddenly he'll be fine and ask me if there's something wrong with me because I'm being quiet.
I know it doesn't sound that bad but I'm a strong, clever person and I feel like I've been reduced to a mass of insecurities. As far as the outside world is concerned he is a fabulous jolly person and he makes me look like the controlling one.
Only me, my boys of 20 and 15 and a few people who have seen the other side of him know what he's really like.

would really appreciate any help.

ideas for your bubble; smell of cut grass on a summer's evening, smell of amber solaire, photos of your babies, your mum & dad's wedding photo, glass/vat of favourite wine/cocktail, picture of snow scene over the Alps, your best friends crazy laugh, your dog's comforting adoration, your favorite lipstick, all the clothes you will be buying yourself & allowed to wear !

Will the boys be home at the weekend? Can you arrange for a friend to phone you on Friday evening? You can choose a code word for if you need help or feel threatened. Keep your phone fully charged and on you at all times.

Just be careful. The most dangerous time is when you are trying to get out. Abusers ramp it all up and sometimes that's when the violence starts.

Wow - you are awesome rubydrew!!

There may be some of the "I'm a monster who will be alone forever now" going on but probably best to ignore.

As of now he is, in my mind and hopefully yours, your xh. Though for clarity on here, I think it's more accurate to say stbxh.

Was it pagans who simply said "I divorce you" 3 times and that was it done? Maybe that's a myth but psychologically I think it's a working truth. In any case, how his future pans out is up to him and not your problem or responsibility.

Don't be caught out though - you need solicitor at the ready!

I think it's time for pompoms ridiculous dance

That is great, great news!!