is my husband controlling or am i going mad

[rubydrew]

Hello

I'm new and needed some female input because I'm worried I'm going mad!
I've been married 20 years and it's not all been smooth sailing but it's really bad now and I think I'm in a controlled relationship. I can't do anything right for my husband - the house is never clean enough - I don't buy the right food, I haven't done anything that he asked me to do properly and it ends up with him saying 'I might as well just do it myself'. He ignores what I have done. If we're going out he'll tell me what to wear, what jewellry to put on and makes it clear if he doesn't like what I'm wearing. If I say something that upsets him then he doesn't believe it wasn't on purpose and will then give me the silent treatment sometimes for days. Then suddenly he'll be fine and ask me if there's something wrong with me because I'm being quiet.
I know it doesn't sound that bad but I'm a strong, clever person and I feel like I've been reduced to a mass of insecurities. As far as the outside world is concerned he is a fabulous jolly person and he makes me look like the controlling one.
Only me, my boys of 20 and 15 and a few people who have seen the other side of him know what he's really like.

would really appreciate any help.

I think you're right and that my best bet is to 'play nice'. In the past I've always worried that if I do that - then he would be able to say that there wasn't a problem and that if I wasn't happy then I should have said something but I'm past caring about that and, as someone said, who cares who is 'to blame' when it finishes as long as I'm out.
I really need him to know tho for my own sanity that I KNOW THAT HE KNOWS and even tho I'm being the reasonable one it's not okay.

I found this helpful when dealing with XH2 :) It's an invisible shield visualisation.

Go somewhere you can relax for ten minutes. Create an imaginary bubble around you. Mine's made of blue light, as that was my therapist's choice, but yours can be anything from rainbow swirls to micron-fine steel. Furnish it with everything you find comfortable: you might want to include a printout of this thread, and other things to remind you "it's not okay". Also make sure you provide yourself with good music, nice blankets, flowers (if you like them) and so on. Everyone can see and hear you through your shield, but their words, atmospheres and emotions bounce right off it. It's impermeable. You can pull this shield out at any time, instantly, and it shrinks & grows according to the space available - hence, for instance, it fits in the car and is also good for wide open spaces. Whenever you're inside your protective bubble, you're safe and you are in control. It is very, very peaceful inside.

It's just a psychological trick, and it is worth spending ten minutes to really make it perfect for you.

wow! The invisible shield is genius! I think maybe I've been doing it subconsciously already but what a great idea - I'm going to use it. He'll be home in about an hour and I'm going to spend that time developing my shield - thank you

Glad it helps! Enjoy it!

Good luck ruby, we are all with you xx

My very best wishes Ruby.
Lots of good advise.
I would agree with keeping your powder dry but PLANNING to get out. That means as already said getting copies of as much paper as possible. Keep those in a safe place, not at home if possible.
Get some money.
Remember while you are planning your bombshell he may also be doing the same. If he has control of the finances you might find you would not be able to access cash in the short term.
The final result may not be in dought but the road can be very difficult along the way.

I forgot to add.
Why don't you feel you can trust your sister?

Gpflux I think it was because sister's husband is good mates with abuser.
So she would be in a conflictual position

Ruby, You do know that when you divorce, the reason's are your own, you have no obligation to explain or justify it to anyone. People divorce for a plethora of reasons, whether they grow apart, infidelity, or just end up unhappy.
You do not need to get people to understand why a seemingly charming person is an abuser. (this is another symptom, they are often liked & respected outdoors, but indoors they are monstous)
You can divorce because you "move apart", or "are no long remaking each other happy".
It is no one's business, if ever people want to dig deeper then you can say it's complicated & painful.

How did you w/e go ?

menstruous

He got back late last night and has gone out today but is obviously trying to be civil - I don't know whether this is because he has decided this latest episode is 'over' and things can go back to 'normal' or because he has decided that we can go about a separation in an adult way. My hopes are obviously that it is the latter as if he thinks things have gone back to normal - I am going to have to explain that I can't do that without any explanation for the past fortnight. I am now aware that if I do this I am allowing his behaviour to have no consequences.
Am going away on Tuesday for a week with girlfriends so at least I have a bit of space.

Yes - he made me go home to find it and then when I couldn't he came home and made me go through the rubbish. I''d actually just put it in a different box probably after a few glasses of wine but was so panicked I couldn't 'see' it.

Are you sure he didn't move it or hide it? If he did, it would be a typical gaslighting move - and almost straight out of the film.

If you are going away for a week, I'd make sure that you take your passport and birth certificate and anything else in that category with you and out of the house.

You may also want to photograph any possessions of yours that are personal and valuable - eg. jewellery etc. It is not unknown for controlling and abusive men in that situation to start removing items of value from the home and then later saying things like "it was lost years ago", "we agreed to give it [dead relative]" , "it was sold etc". If it's your asset you want some proof of it being in the home recently.

Regards your earlier question of what to say to people who ask, I'd go for "He was privately extremely abusive and controlling but I'd rather not talk about it".

Thank goodness for your upcoming holiday! Good advice here about documents & photos. I'm pleased to hear he's been a minimal presence so far - helps keep your head clear.

Do you think there is a risk he might change the locks while you are away?
If so, maybe good to have contingency plan and solicitor etc in mind before you go.

So, you would think of going back to how it was before, if he managed to discuss it civilly ?
No, it is temporary, this is the cycle, of being mean, pushing too far, to the limit, then back pedaling & returning to normal/loving/promising, to reel you back in. then the cycle will go on round to abusive.
This is classic & why you are sttill there today.

Can you answer this question: re. the ring episode: Why would a "strong, clever person", in your words , be made to go home to find it ?
Any normal person would just refuse, & say "I'll take a look later, if it's lost it's lost".
No "Normal" balanced person would dream of imposing such a far fetched, unreasonable order, in public, or at any other time, it is not normal to dominate to a point of complete submission over something that has NO SENSE. its not like you had lost a child on a train platform.

I realize that you are only just starting to realise that you husband is controlling, but I urge you to not make the mistake of saying it will all calm down, & be OK.
It won't.

This is a different holiday from the romantic () break you were supposed to go on with H, right? Does he know you're off with your pals?

Ruby, this was only a couple of weeks ago:

........................................

I took my youngest son away and we had a ball. This appears to have driven him mad ... He phoned me and said that he 'can't do this anymore' i.e.; apparently he can't put up with me any more.
And I agreed with him. When he started telling me what was wrong with me I said I didn't want to start a tit for tat - we both deserved to be happy. ... He then said that I needed to move out of the house ... He would stay in london during the week and at home at the weekend whilst putting me up in some rental. I said no!!!
He then said he would give me an allowance to live off and I said I would get solicitors in to sort the finances properly - he exploded and accused me of being greedy.

........................................

Your husband immediately offered separation terms. You rejected his offer as not good enough (you were right) and he went off on one about money.

This man is not trying to improve a marriage.

His aim, as pretty well stated above, is to get you out of the family home and living in a rental, controlled by him, on an allowance determined by him.

He wants you under his control whether or not you live with him. This is all he's bothered about, where you're concerned.

He's not under any illusion things are okay. He's not hoping things have blown over. He doesn't care about any of that - he only cares about controlling you, and continuing his personal life uninterrupted.

You really need to start seeing him as the enemy. He is: he's been your enemy since the very first move he made to control you.

Are you using private browsing on here? If not, please take care to wipe your history and cookies. Detach your Apple devices from the icloud.

And look forward to your holiday :)

Well he showed his true colours today - I had a friend round to work (I do gardening for people) and she has only ever seen him jolly.
I said to him that we had been this morning to a lovely garden that they wanted us to do and he said nothing - more than nothing he blanked me - she was embarrassed and asked me if he was okay and then when he left she was amazed because he didn't even say goodbye to me and she knew I was going away for a week so he wouldn't see me again. She said 'he's usually so happy?' I pretended that he was going to pop home again because it did seem incredibly odd.
I was very embarrassed but I suppose at least it's someone else seeing the other side?
It makes me realise that he has absolutely no interest in anything I do and even tho it doesn't bring in much money at least I've tried to do something whilst being an at the home mum.

So sad Ruby that you pretended to your friend. That was a perfect moment to share something.

Have a great holiday ! such bliss to be away with girlfriends.
Maybe its time to discuss with friends in real life & test the water.... There is likely to be a lot of surprise, but then very supportive help.

I couldn't tell her - she was so confused and it would have opened up a can of worms. Also,I have to say, on a selfish level I was thinking - at least when I tell her she will remember that.

I'm only just reaching the stage where I believe myself - I'm just not ready to start explaining it to other people yet - not until I;ve got it all straight in my head

I was once married to one just like that. He showed his true colours in front of a friend, when he had drunk too much, and she said if I ever wanted to leave, I could move in with her. Where to go, and depriving my DD were what was stopping me from going - and yes, a pony and chickens and dogs were involved, a wonderful lifestyle, but in the end, it's like a prison that you can't enjoy. I slowly took away all the things I couldn't bear to leave behind, which in the end wasn't much really, and packed away all of mine and DD's clothing and went. It was fairly horrific for a while, I had to get a restraining order against him, but he had admitted that he thought of me as a 'possession', our DD too, and that was what made me flip. I realised that he thought of us as pets that he could shut up in the house, to be adoring when he got home, and his pride was what was hurt when his pets left of their own free will.

I thought all my friends really liked him - he was charming, and the life and soul of any party. They all said they had wondered how I had managed to put up with him for so long. Not one of them ever said so to me at the time, but then, would I have done if it had been them, I wonder.

I left without any money at all. Be warned, he instantly went underground workwise, so that he wouldn't have to pay any maintenance, and only worked for cash. However, I survived, and met a lovely man, we have been married for 10 years this year. My friends were brilliant. I lived with one and we did up her large house and let out rooms. Another friend's OH bought me cheap cars in auctions and kept me going on the road somehow, because I sold mine when I got desperate. I had various part-time jobs. I never have received a penny, but I felt it wasn't worth the hassle, it was just so wonderful to be free of him.

Wow - what an incredible story! That's sort of what I hope is in the future. What finally made you leave and how long did you realise what was happening until you stopped it?
How is he with you now? I don't care about the money but I genuinely think that he would make my life very difficult emotionally - and I'm not sure he would be able to let go because he's so angry that the marriage hasn't 'gone his way'

Okay - I've directed a friend to this site and asked her to read the thread - I thought that might be the way to try and make her understand including reading all you reactions

I understand how hard it is for people to say anything in real life. When I was young and foolish I would gaily tell my friends when I didn't like their partner and lost a lot of friends that way. Even when people fight and come and tell you their problems, you end up the loser if you agree with them too freely about what an eejit they are with.

I think that was an excellent move, Ruby. Hello, Ruby's friend! If you can, please give the poor woman some encouragement to speak openly with her mates on holiday.

Ruby, I realise what I said about his being your enemy may have been more than you can take on board just now. But please revisit what madeinkent says - "I realised that he thought of us as pets ..."

Actually Ruby, I expect he likes his horses more than you. sorry.
But as I must repeat, you can leave him for any reason, in your case you have a genuine case of emotional abuse, & they are bringing out legislation to penally punish for this soon. It is not just a rocky marriage, or bickering over the washing up.
No-one needs to be persuaded you have a valid reason, your reason is your own. whatever it may be, of course in reality your real best girlfriends already have seen his moodiness & lack of appreciation of their presence.
he has tried to groom you (Ha, very apt) to stay at home & be controlled.