is my husband controlling or am i going mad

[rubydrew]

Hello

I'm new and needed some female input because I'm worried I'm going mad!
I've been married 20 years and it's not all been smooth sailing but it's really bad now and I think I'm in a controlled relationship. I can't do anything right for my husband - the house is never clean enough - I don't buy the right food, I haven't done anything that he asked me to do properly and it ends up with him saying 'I might as well just do it myself'. He ignores what I have done. If we're going out he'll tell me what to wear, what jewellry to put on and makes it clear if he doesn't like what I'm wearing. If I say something that upsets him then he doesn't believe it wasn't on purpose and will then give me the silent treatment sometimes for days. Then suddenly he'll be fine and ask me if there's something wrong with me because I'm being quiet.
I know it doesn't sound that bad but I'm a strong, clever person and I feel like I've been reduced to a mass of insecurities. As far as the outside world is concerned he is a fabulous jolly person and he makes me look like the controlling one.
Only me, my boys of 20 and 15 and a few people who have seen the other side of him know what he's really like.

would really appreciate any help.

You may find that many people will actually say "what took you so long?"

including your children.

Good luck OP, you deserve so much better!

Yes - he made me go home to find it and then when I couldn't he came home and made me go through the rubbish. I''d actually just put it in a different box probably after a few glasses of wine but was so panicked I couldn't 'see' it. The stupid thing is that it was given to me after his mother died by his father who he doesnt talk to so it's actually a gift which has nothing to do with him. God! It sounds appalling when I say it out loud.
He also gave me a gold heart necklace on one valentines day which I have never worn on principle because the next day we were supposed to be going skiing with then 5 year old and 1 year old and the little one got chicken pox. He was so furious with me for not sneaking the baby onto the plane he didn't call me or let my son call me for the whole week despite the people he was with telling him that he was being unreasonable.

Why am I still here - it's the first time I've ever said these things out loud and I can finally hear what they sound like.

THANKYOU THANKYOU THANKYOU

I can't tell you all what this has meant to me.

I might need you again tho so don't go away!

xxxx

he is threatening now because he's losing his grip on you. Hold on to that op. Standing up to him is the first step in finally breaking free.

In terms of what other people say, well it's really none of their business. In truth there will be people who realise what he was like and support you, people who don't really care because other people's split is just one of those things and in a society where divorce is more common now people aren't that interested in the finer details, and there will be people who don't believe your side and as such there are likely to be friendship casualties as a result. but this is just how it goes, and loss of some friendships is just part of the moving forward process. There will be other people who make the moving on so much more worthwhile.

Your children aren't children any more, They've seen him at his worst too and are old enough to realise that this shouldn't be how we treat people. I wouldn't recommend that you tell them exactly why you're splitting up but the fact that you're both just not happy is good enough reason for children who will have divided loyalties to both of you iyswim.

Do get a good solicitor though, one who can put everything in place for you to be financially independent of this man from the outset.

In terms of the house, I wouldn't actualy be seeking to stay in it because that will still give him an element of control e.g. over you selling it when your youngest is eighteen for instance. Instead I would seek for all property to be sold or for him to buy you out so you can buy somewhere in your own right thus minimising his control or perceived control over you.

OP, what would have happened if you'd simply said at the meal, "I'll have a good look for it when I go home"?

Start to tell people. Make it real. Don't allow him to mess with your head and let him back in.

That ring incident is deranged! Honestly if I witnessed that I would be very worried for you. Bet when you tell people they will be happy for you just too polite to criticise your dh to your face while you are together.

A male perspective too if you want one; he sounds bloody awful, arrogant and controlling. He might be used to getting his own way, but a good solicitor will put him right. Women's Aid are always useful, on 0808 2000 247. If he physically threatens you, then there's the police.

I don't think I would have been able to sit with a friend who was treated like that at a meal out. OP, what would've happened if a friend had said, "No point in going back now, it won't move in the next hour. I'll come back with you later and help you find it"?

Thankyou for the male perspective - it's nice to know there are some good ones out there!

I think they were all too embarrassed to say anything and also shocked because they had never seen him or me like that.

There's plenty of good men out there. Unfortunately there's plenty of wankers like your husband too.

The more you talk to people, both on here and in real life, the more you will realise that his behaviour is pretty appalling, and that you are not being unreasonable at all. It might be useful to read a few posts here in Relationships, there's a lot of people in similar situations. That might help you.

Well done ruby!

He is controlling, he is emotionally/psychologically abusive. You don't need him and shouldn't even want him given the way he treats you.

Onward & upward to a happier life without him. Don't change your mind & stay strong. Also - bravo on the comment about having a solicitor sort out the finances properly. He doesn't get to dictate anything anymore. Stuff him!

Rubydrew, I am completely awestruck with admiration for you - how you handled telling your vile husband how it was! A real masterclass on the right way to do it.
I'm an old crone, who stuck with a horrible husband for 20 years (different reasons from yours - he was a serial shagger, including with my 'best friend'. When I finally divorce him, once the kids were grown up, they told me later I should have done it years before. Your kids are younger and really, you WILL be OK.

I agree with other MNers that he'll play up like god knows what over the divorce, but stick in there, get a really REALLY good lawyer, and you'll be fine. Don't worry what people think - I bet most of them think your husband is an unpleasant, controlling git. As for things like Christmas, it will be OK, honestly it will.

You've made a great start - stick with it. No-one deserves to be treated like that nasty bit of work treats you.

ruby he sounds terrible. You are strong and a wise woman, you know what is going on, and what has gone on. Get professional advice and stay strong. Good luck.

The truth, spoken aloud, to others, sets you free. (that's us now, but when you start telling the RL world, you'll feel amazing and yourself again. You take your power back.

I'd get your financial and legal ducks in a row before you start shouting 'wanker' from the rooftops though.

hope op lives near me and hear her shouting out soon

Pm me anytime if you need help. Been there, survived, bounced back, am now amazing.

Jesus holy Christ he sounds JUST AWFUL. I can't believe he wouldn't let your little 5 year old call youthat must have broken your heart. I can't believe you've stayed for so long, you must be a very strong woman. Time to get out though! Oh...and by the way get yourself a very,very good lawyer because you're going to need it, he will hate losing control and will fight tooth and nail. Get your big girl pants on and start clawing back control and your soul.

Congratulations, OP.

What an asshole. I'm proud of you!

Sometimes in relationships you can't see the forest for the trees. I dated a real wanker once but because things were good in the beginning, I didn't really see how bad it was until I was forced to decide between moving far away with him or breaking up with him. I realized in an instant that I didn't want to go somewhere where he was the only person I knew, and that I didn't love him or really even like him. And once I realized that and started thinking about what he was really like, I saw it wasn't pretty.

On a practical note you might want to create a "war chest"
Open a bank account in your name only and dupm enough money in there to keep you in your current house for a year and a half
That way whatever he throws at you through the process of divorce he at least won't be able to force you to live in poverty for the process
Oh and several thousand for the ongoing legal fees. Don't let him move first on this...check out the vstbx husband thread too, good luck

OMG this sounds like my life. my husband is leaving me after 25 years because I just don't respect his wishes and values in the home. I won't get into it all but the silent treatment, the raging, kicking furniture or throwing things, manhandled our teenage son once by grabbing his face, going behind me as a tidy up " doing it the right way" issuing orders and instructions for me to follow. I too am an old crone and also educated and, thankfully, went back to work several years ago and I am treated and paid well Good luck Ruby, it will be rough and there is lots of self-doubt, maybe it's me, maybe I should try harder as there is so much time into this marriage, but I can tell you, I did all that. Went to counselling, tried to do things the " right way" and the rules just kept changing, nothing was ever good enough. I am scared facing life alone but I have my kids and a chance to rebuild and live in peace. Since said he was going, no arguments, I am left alone and am starting to feel like myself again. It is not easy but find what you can to rely upon ( for me my faith and staying strong for my kids).

One thing's for sure. When you tell your friends you're no longer with him, they are really not going to be at all shocked after the 'ring incident'. Once the mask slips, it slips. Most won't interfere or refer to it again because they will quite rightly regard it as 'none of my business', but they won't have forgotten it.

wow - this does sound very similar. Just keep going round and round in my head whether I am overreacting and also angry with myself for enabling his behaviour.

You are not overreacting. Not.