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Original poster

is my husband controlling or am i going mad

205 replies

rubydrew · 18/02/2015 13:34

Hello

I'm new and needed some female input because I'm worried I'm going mad!
I've been married 20 years and it's not all been smooth sailing but it's really bad now and I think I'm in a controlled relationship. I can't do anything right for my husband - the house is never clean enough - I don't buy the right food, I haven't done anything that he asked me to do properly and it ends up with him saying 'I might as well just do it myself'. He ignores what I have done. If we're going out he'll tell me what to wear, what jewellry to put on and makes it clear if he doesn't like what I'm wearing. If I say something that upsets him then he doesn't believe it wasn't on purpose and will then give me the silent treatment sometimes for days. Then suddenly he'll be fine and ask me if there's something wrong with me because I'm being quiet.
I know it doesn't sound that bad but I'm a strong, clever person and I feel like I've been reduced to a mass of insecurities. As far as the outside world is concerned he is a fabulous jolly person and he makes me look like the controlling one.
Only me, my boys of 20 and 15 and a few people who have seen the other side of him know what he's really like.

would really appreciate any help.

OP posts:
SensationalGirl · 24/02/2015 08:43

Not sure if this has been suggested. Why don't you stay in the house he's not in and move between the two? You can generate excuses for ages as to why you have to be some place. Then you don't have to see him.

The whole blanking you thing is so childish, what a twat.

Original poster
rubydrew · 03/03/2015 18:52

I don't know if anyone is still here but I could do with some more advice.

I told you I was going away for a week - well on day 5 I got a text saying

'I miss you and what we used to have. Shall we go to Barbados and try and make things work again?"

I KNEW he was just threatening me with divorce and wanted to pretend nothing was happening. I replied
'I've done a lot of thinking this week and I realise I'm just losing confidence every year - I don;t; feel like I'm in charge of my life and my decisions and things can't be unsaid even if they've been said in the heat of the moment."

He then said 'should I assume from your reply that you don't want to go to Barbados'

DUH!!!!

I said 'I'm really worried that the cycle will just start again and the next time you decide you've had enough we're back again. I don't know if you understand what my concerns are and if you even believe you are to blame at all.'

he replied
'I hear what you are saying and take the blame'

when I didn't answer he just sent a text saying
'I am unclear as to what you want to do about Barbados'

He says he takes the blame but he doesn't - or does he just think by saying he does I'll go back to how it was?????

Sorry it's such a long one

OP posts:
championnibbler · 03/03/2015 19:00

please, please don't waver.
he's a prick.
he's just trying to make you doubt yourself
and he is NEVER, EVER going to change.
please stay away from him and proceed to a divorce.

DeliciousMonster · 03/03/2015 19:01

Call me a cynic but I'd bet that he has been told to keep you sweet for a bit whilst he hides some money somewhere.

Original poster
rubydrew · 03/03/2015 19:05

I genuinely think that he wants to make it work and doesn't understand what he's done - but I don't understand why he doesn't acknowledge anything I've said in these texts and when he says he takes the blame there's no remorse or apology?

OP posts:
sonjadog · 03/03/2015 19:14

He just wants to get you to go along with him now so that he can get things back to his normal control of you and abuse. It is all fake.

sonjadog · 03/03/2015 19:17

He wants it to work in the way it has been for all these years. It was working for him just the way he wanted it. Why should he change?

There is no remote because he is not sorry. He liked things the way they were with him in control. He is saying he is taking the blame because that is his best chance to get you back in the relationship the way he wants it again.

Original poster
rubydrew · 03/03/2015 19:17

so what do I do?

OP posts:
championnibbler · 03/03/2015 19:22

Here's what you do:
divorce.
darling - he's never going to change and he isn't sorry.
you just can't see it as you don't have enough distance yet.
you deserve way better.

MelonBallersAreStrange · 03/03/2015 19:23

He genuinely wants to make it work. For him, working means you being back under his control.

Reply "I don't want to go to Barbados. I want a divorce."

championnibbler · 03/03/2015 19:24

I second Melon.

MelonBallersAreStrange · 03/03/2015 19:27

but I don't understand why he doesn't acknowledge anything I've said in these texts and when he says he takes the blame there's no remorse or apology

Because he doesn't feel remorse or feel apologetic. He doesn't actually feel he is to blame. He thinks you've gone mad. He is saying what he thinks he needs to say to reel the little woman back in to the cage.

Original poster
rubydrew · 03/03/2015 19:29

Oh god! I have spent the week thinking of the reality and when i think of telling my children it breaks my heart - I'm nearly 50! and the future looks like a big black hole ... trust me I can see how idyllic this looks from the outside - barbados!!!!!??? It sounds like a dream but it feels like a trap
I just keep thinking of all those women who leave abusive husbands with no money and no support and I feel like such a spoilt brat!!!
I didn't grow up with money and the security is a really hard thing to let go of.

OP posts:
MelonBallersAreStrange · 03/03/2015 19:34

I was an adult about the age of your eldest when my parents told me they were divorcing. I was ecstatic. They had been unhappy for a very long time. It wasn't as secret as they seemed to think.

I am jealous of my younger siblings who got the benefit of the last part of their childhood in a happier household. None of them cared that it was also poorer.

RandomFriend · 03/03/2015 19:34

Why would you be letting to of security? Half of what you have as a couple is yours.

championnibbler · 03/03/2015 19:38

your life with him doesn't seem very secure to me.
didn't he say he once wanted to hit you?
money doesn't mean much when you're treading on eggshells.

if it was me, i'd be worried that he'd give me a good hiding at some point after i go back to him.

Original poster
rubydrew · 03/03/2015 19:42

has anyone come back from a situation like this????!!!!!

OP posts:
TendonQueen · 03/03/2015 19:42

No amount of money can counter emotional insecurity. And anyway, as Random says, he will have to share some of his wealth with you. My tip would be not to engage in those conversations with him. He's not going to show remorse as you want, sorry, because he doesn't feel it. He's just trying to say whatever will make you agree to his suggestions. It's not real. Keep all conversations with him as short and to the point as possible. Better things are to come, really.

KittiKat · 03/03/2015 19:48

Hello Ruby

I was 49 when I left my husband in similar circumstances to yours.

I now have a job, pay my own mortgage and bills.

I won't lie that at times it has been hard but OMG it has so been worth it.

I too tried a reconciliation but it dived bombed quite dramatically. Believe me when I say that he will NOT change.

And, ask yourself the question I did - Do I really want to do another 30 years like this? No contest for me.

tipsytrifle · 03/03/2015 19:49

Thing is, rubydrew that he was asking for a decision about Barbados. He didn't really care that you're utterly miserable with the life he offers you but he knows something is up.

Emotional/material bribery may have worked in the past. Smoothed things over so who knew what was happy or otherwise when the sand was clean and the sun so bright.

Still, he asked time and again for clarification about getting your marriage back on track via Barbados and you did not answer. Not clearly. Not yes/no clear. You wandered around the houses of innuendo and intimation somewhat.

Perhaps you should have said "Barbados is a NO. Divorce is a Yes" ...

I think you need to decide if it's time for the latter.

YokoUhOh · 03/03/2015 19:51

OP, have you seen this? It might ring some bells:

www.lightshouse.org/things-people-with-ocpd-say.html#axzz3T9jHHgqO

tipsytrifle · 03/03/2015 19:54

rubydrew what do you mean by "has anyone come back from a situation like this?"

chocolatefingersandtoes · 03/03/2015 20:03

Ruby, you need to see a lawyer regarding how much you would get out of this marriage financially, you may not be as destitute as you fear. But the freedom, the freeedommmm!! You must have lost so much of yourself to this marriage and this fucked up man, no one would make it out if so much emotional torture unscathed Angryyou have to be realistic about this situation, you will be so so much happier, just give yourself the chance!

Original poster
rubydrew · 03/03/2015 20:06

wow! things people woth ocpd say - absolutely spot on!

what I mean from "has anyone come back from this' is has anyone mended a marriage like this - has anyone managed to make their other half understand what they are doing??

OP posts:
Original poster
rubydrew · 03/03/2015 20:09

tipsytrifle

you're right = I know you're right and I knew it when I sent the texts - I just can't bring myself to bring an end to it because I so want it to work and I just don't understand it because he WONT TALK ABOUT IT and so I never have the opportuntiy to know that I'm right.

OP posts: