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Original poster

DP just told me he's infatuated with a woman at work

203 replies

Flumpy2012 · 09/02/2015 03:45

I'm 8 weeks pregnant with dc2. Dp and I had a big row over something silly which escalated yesterday and continued today and I knew there was something underlying. He's lost 2.5 stone, had his hair cut and started smoking again, he also had a snipe about the fact that we've not dtd since conception(previous mc and General anxiety and nausea)

Please someone tell me what to do?

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 09/02/2015 03:52

What do you want to do?

MinceSpy · 09/02/2015 03:53

Your husband has just told you he is being unfaithful. What do either of you want to do.

Original poster
Flumpy2012 · 09/02/2015 03:57

He's sworn in our children's lives nothing has happened. She is 16 years younger than him so he says she wouldn't look twice but he really likes her. I feel in utter shock, his first wife had an affair so I never thought him capable. How wrong was I?! I asked what he would do if she pursued him, he said he wouldn't want it to get to that stage but being honest he wouldn't turn her down and said most men wouldn't. I'm utterly gutted, I feel like such an idiot. I can't sleep

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 09/02/2015 04:01

Why is he getting to decide your future? He wouldn't turn her down, would be a dealbreaker for me. Could you live with that?

MinceSpy · 09/02/2015 04:01

I'm not surprised that your gutted. He's just put you on notice that he'd like to have sex with this woman and tried to blame you due to lack of sex whilst newly pregnant. Only you know if this is a deal breaker for you.

Original poster
Flumpy2012 · 09/02/2015 04:04

He says its highlighted how unhappy he is. I'm controlling, I'm critical etc
I asked what he would do in my shoes he said he fought for his marriage against every obstacle so that's what he'd do. How am I supposed to have the energy or even the want to do that now?
He says he wish he didn't like her

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 09/02/2015 04:09

Are you controlling and critical, or is he trying to threaten you with what will happen if you don't have sex with him?

madwomanbackintheattic · 09/02/2015 04:34

Well he hasn't lost 2.5 stone in 8 weeks, has he? And in order to impregnate you, presumably you were indeed having sex with him while he was busy gussying up to attract her. What was his excuse while you were indeed still shagging him????

Loser. If he thinks he's hard done by now in the attention stakes, you want well rid of him before you have an infant that actually needs attention.

Longdistance · 09/02/2015 04:44

Awww, op I'm sorry he's being an arse. Are you sure it was his wife who was the one having the affair? Hmm and not him?

He's trying to blame you for this. But, I very much doubt he lost 2 1/2 stone in 8 weeks.

You need to decide what happens next, not him. Take control. Personally, I'd be asking him to leave, but I'm not you.

Original poster
Flumpy2012 · 09/02/2015 05:00

Yes I know his wife had an affair because his son was made to lie and we are close. But she has always claimed he had one previously which he denies - now I'm not so sure.

My head is such a mess. I'm part way through a degree that I would have to give up if I became a single parent to 2 children.

I haven't slept a wink. I don't mean to drip feed but he had a nervous breakdown and left when I was pregnant last time. I dread telling everyone the same has happened again. I know that's stupid, it's just the utter shame.

I keep pondering life without him but feel cheated that he would get to walk off into the sunset and Id be left alone with 2 children and no career prospects.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 09/02/2015 05:01

"..he said he wouldn't want it to get to that stage but being honest he wouldn't turn her down and said most men wouldn't."

He's wrong. Most men in committed relationships are faithful.

He's basically informed you that, given the opportunity, he will be unfaithful. Today it's her, but there are always attractive women around so who might it be tomorrow?

I'm sorry, but I don't think a man like that is worth 'fighting for'.

Timetoask · 09/02/2015 05:49

I asked what he would do in my shoes he said he fought for his marriage against every obstacle so that's what he'd do.

Op, what do you Want to do? Be careful about asking here on mumsnet, the majority of women on here will tell you not to give it a second thought and LTB forget about your marriage and become a single parent. Most marriages go through tricky patches.
The positive thing I can see from your situation is that your DH has been honest with you and has told you something is not right in the relationship. If you want to save it then both of you need to want to save it and work at it.
My own parents went through this when I was a teenager, they are still happily married after 55 years and devoted to each other.

maras2 · 09/02/2015 06:48

Never trust anyone who swears on their children's lives.They lie.

JimmyChoosChimichanga · 09/02/2015 06:49

Flumpy we need to know more about the nervous breakdown the last time you were pregnant. Was it genuine or is he just not a 'sticker' at anything and the minute it looks like he is going to have to make some effort he ducks out. My DH says things like 'I so would' (mainly when Carol Kirkwood is doing the weather!) In reality though, I am as confident as I can be that he wouldn't. As another poster said ^^ most men in committed relationships would not cheat. He is telling you he is not committed. You really have to now decide what you want. In your shoes I think I would be making it easy for him to go. He doesn't sound remotely committed but you know what goes on day to day. Using lack of sex as an excuse is poor and part of blaming you. Look out for other tells in the blame game. The preening himself for the benefit of another woman would be making me puke the whole time I was waiting for the locksmith to arrive. I am sorry you have this in your life.

Original poster
Flumpy2012 · 09/02/2015 06:51

Thank you timetoask it's nice to hear a positive story. I guess it's just hard to see a way out.
I've got some stabbing pain and sickness and have been awake all night with no sleep at all. I don't feel able to manage today with dd who's 2 but there's no one to help and he won't stay home from work

OP posts:
bigbluestars · 09/02/2015 07:00

I'd chuck him out now till he grows a pair.
Life is too short to waste it on a man who treats you like this.

Use today to stuff all his things into black bin liners and chuck them in the front garden.

Makeminealarge · 09/02/2015 07:08

I'm so sorry you're going through such a stressful time. When I was 13 weeks pregnant with dd2, I found out my devoting dp had arranged to meet up with another girl. He lied to me, lost weight etc then it was my fault for not giving him attention Hmm

it hurt. hurt so bad I couldn't see or think straight about what was happening or what to do. although he was adamant nothing happened the fact he was willing to meet another girl behind my back (let's be honest it wasn't for a quick cuppa was it?!) the trust had diminished.
We DID manage to get through it (though to anyone else I'd say dump the fool) we are still together now. It's taken a very long time to rebuild the trust and he has to work with me in establishing that trust back. I will admit though it will never ever be the same again. I have doubts occasionally and that period of time raises it ugly head during the odd argument. I'd say stop and think what is best for YOU and for your children x Thanks

Justmuddlingalong · 09/02/2015 07:08

Has he been sleeping, now that he's dropped this bombshell? Or has he been trying to sort out the relationship with you?

chocolatespiders · 09/02/2015 07:14

God I feel for you your head must be everywhere.
I got blamed for my ex's affair- he was on lads football holiday in Ibiza and he meet someone who her later married (now divorced) I was told it happened because when he rang me from the holiday I didn't tell him I loved him!!!!!!

I hope it gets better for you but if not single parenting is not all bad - I love it!

Twistedheartache · 09/02/2015 07:16

I'm in a similar situation at the moment except my not so 'd'h has taken his infatuation one step further & actually lied & travelled across the country to see her etc
I'm a bit of a pushover by mn standards but i think it is positive that he has told you up front (if it is up front) & I would consider that if you're worried about him having another nervous breakdown, he's pronsbly worried too.
Controlling & critical in my case were reflecting him not getting involved & spending enough time with his child/the family & frustration at having to do everything or be his mother & tell him what to do. It was accurate but ultimately only as a result of his initial behaviour. You need to figure out how it is for you.
Good luck!
I don't think it has to be the end, but remember to be a bit selfish & do what's best for you & your 2yo. He would be selfish.

Humansatnav · 09/02/2015 07:47

I saw a similar scenario play out not long ago ( not me or my dh ). He was a weak man who couldn't cope with not being the centre of his wife's world while she was pregnant and the girl was a silly, simpering thing amazed by her power over him. Both pathetic and leaving his wife to clear up the mess.
I would ditch, hes being an arsehole. You should be getting angry.

AgathaF · 09/02/2015 08:07

How long has he felt like this for? What is he like generally in your relationship

I think if he is prepared to work at mending your relationship, tightening up his boundaries etc, then you have a chance. If he won't though, then that probably tells you all you need to know. I think really that you need to have a long conversation, calmly and sensitively, to find out what you both want from your relationship, areas where you would both like things to change, and take it from there. Perhaps consider counselling too.

This book is often recommended on her. It discusses boundaries and how to protect your relationship. Obviously he would need to read it as well though.

Original poster
Flumpy2012 · 09/02/2015 08:26

Will try to respond to as many points as I can.

Genuine nervous break down, called in sick a few times, stopped washing, cleaning etc, cried at everything, tv ads, films, nothing. He is still on anti depressants. Had an epiphany I guess and came back 100% and we had mostly a great year.

He's shit at stressful times, he's so devoted to work, anything involving time off or flexi time is a big drama to him.

Our relationship can be turbulent, there's an ex wife, a DSS, and I don't always see eye to eye with my family which is tough.

He was honest - when pushed. I have no idea what either of us want right now but he's doing the whole guilty aggressive thing. We need to talk properly. When both of us have slept and Dd is not around x

OP posts:
springlamb · 09/02/2015 08:27

So it's 'Game On' is it. YOU'VE got to 'fight for your marriage'have you.
You've got to flirt and cavort and flatter and flutter to keep him. All this while you're struggling in the early stages of a pregnancy and bringing up a toddler.
Sod that for a game of soldiers. I'd turn the whole thing on its head and say you've decided he needs to leave until he knows where his head's at...but you'll be taking the opportunity to reflect on your own life and may not be waiting to hear his key in the door should he decide his loyalties and love lie with you.
Have his bag ready tonight.

ocelot7 · 09/02/2015 08:45

So far he has said he has not been unfaithful but has admitted he fancies someone. I know people who regularly list the celebrities they fancy (lol Carol Kirkwood!) but this seems closer to home as its in real life. I would imagine many of the partners of the LTB clamourers feel the same but have learnt not to say it out loud.

This is not to say there are not things you need to work through together, just my exasperation with the knee-jerk reaction....

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