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Original poster

DP just told me he's infatuated with a woman at work

203 replies

Flumpy2012 · 09/02/2015 03:45

I'm 8 weeks pregnant with dc2. Dp and I had a big row over something silly which escalated yesterday and continued today and I knew there was something underlying. He's lost 2.5 stone, had his hair cut and started smoking again, he also had a snipe about the fact that we've not dtd since conception(previous mc and General anxiety and nausea)

Please someone tell me what to do?

OP posts:
BinarySolo · 09/02/2015 09:56

He's says in your situation he'd fight for his relationship? Well tell him to start fighting then!

You are the wronged party here. He's behaved badly and is pushing the blame onto you.

Get angry. Really angry.

Sadly I think if you accept this behaviour then it will happen again but he'll take it further.

Men in committed relationships don't get infatuated with work colleagues and certainly wouldn't act on it. And even if they would, it oversteps the boundaries of your relationship and he knows that, hence playing the blame game.

ptumbi · 09/02/2015 09:57

I don't mean to drip feed but he had a nervous breakdown and left when I was pregnant last time. I dread telling everyone the same has happened again. I know that's stupid, it's just the utter shame. - why 'shame'? He is the one who had a breakdown - should he be ashamed of that? Hmm
He is the one who is infatuated with another woman - why are you ashamed of that?

It's his 'shame', not yours. No one is going to listen to this and assume that it's your fault; why are you ashamed?

I really don't understand this at all. It's such an old-fashioned idea - that women should feel shame for what happens in the family. To whom? Who is it that casts shame on these women?

And who cares if they do? It's not the 1950s; one woman's 'shame' will be forgotten soon enough. People have busy enough lives as it is, without bothering too much/gossiping about other peoples'.

Auburnsparkle · 09/02/2015 09:58

Ocelot - did you mean to be so rude ?

Branleuse · 09/02/2015 10:01

you need to fight for him???

wow. Hes got a real nerve

Branleuse · 09/02/2015 10:03
BreakingDad77 · 09/02/2015 10:16

I still dont get guys who act like this and he's not alone, what is with this acting like a shit while the wife is pregnant, was it they were always like that and the whole relationship was a gaslighting exercise and the pregnancy just shows their true colours?

He has already effectively threatened to cheat, how long before it becomes reality.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 09/02/2015 10:17

Oh, don't selfishly row amongst yourselves on this distressed poster's thread. Hmm

OP, please don't make any decisions out of fear. My kids were 6 and 1.5 when my husband left. I was terrified but it was fine. I wouldn't ever recommend splitting up a family but, when crap like this happens, please know that you can cope by yourself. I'm not one of life's copers, I'm not particularly brave, organised or practical, but I managed really well. Life falls back into place and many, many things are easier when you're a single mum. In many ways, that period of my life (I was a single mum for 4 years) was the making of me.

I'm not saying LTB! I'm just saying don't disregard the idea of leaving simply out of terror of what's on the other side.

You could probably suspend your degree for a year while you sort things out, and finish it later. Why not see a solicitor for a free half hour, talk to CAB and call the Tax Credits helpline; just discover what kind of financial situation you'd be in if you were single. Then make decisions based on what's best for YOU.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 09/02/2015 10:32

Meant to say sorry you are going through your own 'D'H's version of this, Twistedheartache it must be hellish.

MajesticWhine · 09/02/2015 10:37

Flumpy, this guy has issues. The nervous breakdown and leaving you during a pregnancy, and now having another crisis during a second pregnancy makes me think he is afraid of playing second fiddle to anyone, including his children. Pregnancy puts you and the unborn child first and that seems to be the trigger, making him feel less important and then acting up to get himself back in no. 1 spot. He is trying to force you to fight for him to prove that he is number one and you put him first. It's pathetic. You would be quite justified in asking him to leave. But assuming you don't want to do that, he really needs to talk to someone about this pattern, or perhaps both of you, i.e. couples counselling, if you think it's worth saving.

brightreddress · 09/02/2015 10:44

Hello OP,
Not sure what you should do in the broader sense but if this was going on with my husband I think what I would do is wait until I had the opportunity to seem dignified (i.e. DC asleep, bit of lippy on, glass of wine in hand, not likely to cry etc.) and I would start a conversation about it. I'd let him repeat the stuff about fancying her etc. and then I'd say:
'The truth is you need to fucking grow up. Do you think I don't get crushes? Do you think there haven't been a few people I've met during the course of our relationship who, in different circumstances, I would have yearned to screw? Felt lonely and dreamed of them coming over and showing me a good time? Of course their have been. But I am grown up enough to realise that these are the effects of stress and loneliness and frustration and that I am MARRIED, to you, and that I love you with all my heart. These are cries for help about things that should be right with us, here, and we must fix this together.'

Squitten · 09/02/2015 10:44

Wow. So you have to get sexy for him otherwise he won't turn down other offers?

Tell him to go fuck himself. I mean who the hell does he think he is?!

Does this not make you enraged?

HighwayToHell · 09/02/2015 10:52

My ex first slept with his other woman when I was 8 months pregnant. .then later blamed me fir his affair citing my health problems whilst pregnant and after giving birth to his affair..charming...
This guy has told you more or less he is going to be unfaithful unless you have sex..He is essentially blackmailing you at a vulnerable time in your life..what a prize wazzock. .pack his bags and show him the door..let's see how attractive she seems when he is sat alone in a one bed flat with his c**c in his hand....incidentally he's been getting himself in shape for a while by the sounds of it..He wants you to v for his attention against the other woman. .don't. .turn it around on this slime ball. .He has at the very least been unfaithful in his head and I doubt you have had the full story..
you can make it alone if it comes to it I promise

ocelot7 · 09/02/2015 11:22

brightreddress good idea though don't think lippy essential (while getting that's a proxy for feeling good in yourself - I think having enough sleep is much more important to achieve that)

No Auburn I did intend to be rude & I don't think I was. It is, I think, permissible to have a different viewpoint to a MN celebrity.

ocelot7 · 09/02/2015 11:23

Didn't intend!

AnyFucker · 09/02/2015 12:32

OP, are you still around ?

fromparistoberlin73 · 09/02/2015 12:49

Some women seem very invested in helping other women accept poor treatment from men

curious, who this thread has urged OP to accept this behaviour? I have not seen anything but the right calibre of support

OP- hang on in there Flowers

MNHQ
IonaMumsnet · 09/02/2015 12:58

Morning all. Just a plea, to echo what other posters have said. Let's not get distracted and let the OP's thread get derailed when she was getting some reallly helpful advice and support here.

LoisPuddingLane · 09/02/2015 13:20

On a practical note about University access funds - apply sooner rather than later. I worked in Universities for years and when the money's gone, that's it. Most places just get shot of it by about now. Unless they are organised and keep some back fort the third term, but it's usually a small amount. Get your application in quickly.

KissyBoo · 09/02/2015 16:49

How much longer have you got left to complete your degree?

Personally I would consider the option of co-parenting in the same household but ending the relationship, finishing your degree and then moving out.

Tell him to crack on with his new interest and that you will availing yourself at he earliest opportunity. Let him know that putting up with his crap, both past and present, has destroyed any romantic feelings you may have had.

He sounds an absolute cockend.

magoria · 09/02/2015 17:48

Is there any chance you can ask him to move out while you decide if you want to stay with a man who freely tells you if a woman offers it to him on a plate he will say yes!

What if she isn't the only one to offer?

If you can get him to move out he may see what he is missing.

If he doesn't then at least you know the score and can start to reorganise your life without him and move on.

Good luck.

StaircaseAtTheUniversity · 09/02/2015 17:56

just to echo what others have said, this sounds pregnancy themed to me- that he is afraid of being ousted in your affections maybe, so he looks for another focus? When he doesn't find it he falls apart? Is there something in his past- absent mother, instability in childhood- that accounts for this? Sounds to me like he needs to sort his head out, have some major therapy and prove to you that he's worthy of yours and the children's time.

feministwithtitsin · 09/02/2015 19:46

OP your post has really shocked me. I am pregnant at the minute, and I couldn't even.imagine my DH saying this. I can't imagine what I would do if he did! He's basically saying he would pick a shag with a women at work over his family.

Having a crush is one thing, telling you about the crush is another, and saying he would act on it if she was interested is just completly beyond my comprehension!

Hope you are ok OP. He has treated you terribly.

mix56 · 09/02/2015 21:04

I sadly agree with springlamb, he is infatuated with this young girl....
sad sorry worm, let him try. When he has made an utter fool of himself, the door might never re-open for negotiations
(private rant here, have any of these men ever thought what it's like to be pregnant ffs ?)

stargirl04 · 09/02/2015 22:21

Totally agree with springlamb. Try not to be afraid honey. If you are meant to be together then you will be. However, in the short term, he needs a short, sharp shock and the message that this behaviour will not be tolerated.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/02/2015 22:33

I separated in the last year of a degree. I spoke to tutors and worked out practical solutions. They were incredibly helpful and understanding.

You will decide what you want to do about the relationship, of course. Can I suggest that running around trying to make him love you more than some 'ideal' younger woman will only end in tears. He wants a cheap ego boost, which is two cheap ego boosts if you start chasing him. A marriage can't be based on one party trying to compete with an emotional affair. That way lies madness.

A nauseous, early pregnancy, tired, sad wife should be loved and cared for, as any decent man would. If he was sick, carrying your child, would you do this to him? I bet you wouldn't.