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DP just told me he's infatuated with a woman at work

203 replies

Flumpy2012 · 09/02/2015 03:45

I'm 8 weeks pregnant with dc2. Dp and I had a big row over something silly which escalated yesterday and continued today and I knew there was something underlying. He's lost 2.5 stone, had his hair cut and started smoking again, he also had a snipe about the fact that we've not dtd since conception(previous mc and General anxiety and nausea)

Please someone tell me what to do?

OP posts:
Flumpy2012 · 12/02/2015 20:19

I have no money and I'm not on benefits yet so can't get legal aid. What can I do?

I feel like he is trying to show me that dd is better off without me and I'm feeling low that maybe he's right

OP posts:
CitySnicker · 12/02/2015 21:01

He's given her to someone you don't know so you can't just go pick her up. He is making sure u can't get her. To keep her or to punish you tho?

Vivacia · 12/02/2015 21:07

City you might be right, but I think there's a good chance that he's had to find emergency childcare for his daughter because his daughter's mother can not be reliable due to illness and he has an unsympathetic boss and wants to keep his job!

It sounds as though life has dealt this family a difficult hand, and they are both doing the best they can.

Flumpy2012 · 12/02/2015 21:13

I really hope she is with him for night time or she'll be frightened. I'm beside myself. To do this he must really believe she's better off without me. Why? I am such a good mum, I'm not always ill, being a mum is a 24-7 job and last year there was probably 7 days in total I was poorly. I never get colds or viruses and I look after myself well.

I am missing her terribly, I want to drive out looking but wouldn't even know where to start

OP posts:
Vivacia · 12/02/2015 21:35

It's only yesterday that you went in to his place of work and left her with him, isn't it?

Why do you think now, only a day later, that she isn't safe?

Flumpy2012 · 12/02/2015 21:54

I don't necessarily think she isn't safe but he promise to stay in contact and let me know she was ok. He also said he'd return her when I'm well enough and I am

OP posts:
AgathaF · 13/02/2015 09:46

What a mess. With your DD in the middle of it.

I still don't understand why he has PR though.

How do you think you will cope with your DD if you are hospitalised again for weeks on end? It is quite likely that you will, given your current kidney issues and the problems you had in your last pregnancy. You appear to have no local support for looking after your DD, and he is clearly not able to care for her whilst he is at work. I think you really need to reconsider carrying on with this pregnancy.

madwomanbackintheattic · 13/02/2015 15:05

Why does he have PR?

Why are you having a second child and he is planning on moving away, and yet you anticipate having both babies with you?

You sound absolutely bonkers tbh. Dropping dd off at his work because you need to do uni stuff? Taking his car keys and disappearing so he can't drive to work? Then calling him because you left the back door unlocked?

In all honesty, he might be stressed and a pita, and he might be utterly BU to have started the whole 'I fancy another woman at work' thing, but the pair of you sound like absolute disasters as a parental unit. And in his shoes, I may well have decided to make my own childcare arrangements, as the alternative is you turning up at his work, dumping a kid, and going off for the next important thing (hospital appt/ uni work/ whatever it might be).

How does dd react when you lob stuff, screech, stuff her in the car in the middle of the night, or drag her to her father's work and dump her there? To say you don't expose to this is utterly incorrect, I'm afraid, and as she gets older she will be more aware. And you are willingly adding another child into this farce? Because you want a bigger family?

You claim that for less than a year everything was perfect. The disaster has been rolling on for longer. And now you will be more stressed, more freaked out, have less time, less sleep, and will need him to bail you out even more for real or unnecessary reasons (back to the uni work)

You are also utterly kidding yourself. You claim never to have any problems raising dd, coping, you have always managed etc etc.

Like fuck. You were so stressed you dumped her on him AT WORK because you needed to do uni coursework. That isn't coping, my lovely, and in no way is it the reaction of a sensible and sane mother. And now you will have two, that for various life reasons, you will want to offload at various points when it all gets too much.

I'm all for studying and improving life chances. But it is fecking hard with little kids. And you don't get the opportunity to just dump them when it all gets a bit much. Especially to a partner AT WORK. No wonder his employer is not a huge fan, really. Having an employee whose partner has MH issues (as well as various diagnosed and investigative health issues) can be hard work.

Flimflammer · 13/02/2015 15:14

I don't think the OP dropped the daughter off at his work so she could do uni work.It was because she had kidney pain, needed to go to hospital and he refused to leave work to help. She left him in the house with the daughter so she could do her coursework after he repeatedly agreed to work from home so she could study but then kept clearing off instead.

It does sound like a chaotic situation but I'm not sure your post was very helpful to a distressed pregnant woman whose child is god knows where. The OP didn't just rush back into his arms, they went to relate as she was rightly unsure if it would work. It sounds like the partner is the one who keeps changing his mind and screwing her over.

madwomanbackintheattic · 13/02/2015 15:24

That was yesterday. The previous time, she dropped the kid off because he wasn't being supportive of her uni work and she needed the time to do it.

Sometimes supportive is over-used, when a dose of reality and not accepting the 'dd is not aware and I cope fine' rhetoric at face value.

madwomanbackintheattic · 13/02/2015 15:27

Or something Grin
Goodness only knows what the story really is - I'm sure he would have an entirely different view.

Either way, the OP's insistence she can cope fine on her own with one child, let alone two, is sketchy at best.

madwomanbackintheattic · 13/02/2015 15:30

The OP needsto sit down and work this out rationally. First she was unimpressed because he wasn't pulling his weight parenting, and now she is unimpressed that he is pulling his weight.

They need to head back to counselling and work out how to parent completely separately. And supportively. Because she needs help. To claim she doesn't, and then to throw a track, do a midnight flit, and dump kids, isn't coping effectively. However he is reacting, her own actions are not those of someone who is coping as a parent, let alone a single parent of two children.

Flumpy2012 · 13/02/2015 16:43

Thank you for the supportive posts, the others - not so much but I understand what everyone is saying

I have dd back after arriving at his conference. SS have told they are fed up of us calling and using them as a mediation service rather than sorting our own issues which I hope he hear, loud and clear.

He has not looked after Dd appropriately - confirmed by the gp just now who has concerns for her to be in his care, but not for me, although he says I need to build a support network which doesn't include him and I agree.

I have no idea what happens now but I will care for Dd and I will cope an complete uni because quite frankly the alternative is obviously not an option. I am only studying until June, I will get 15 hours of nursery which will help enormously. I am so glad she is home.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 13/02/2015 16:53

The GP has concerns based on the last two days? Or more than that? And how do you know?

Flumpy2012 · 13/02/2015 16:59

The last 2 days because he told me because of DD's distress, her lack of cleanliness, she's covered in scratches, had a temperature and was very mucusy. Her welfare has not been his priority

OP posts:
GotToBeInItToWinIt · 13/02/2015 17:00

Did you take her to the GP because of the scratches?

Vivacia · 13/02/2015 17:03

Oh god this sounds a mess. Do you mind me asking what your degree is in?

Nearasdammit · 13/02/2015 17:09

What's the GP got to do with it?!

Flumpy2012 · 13/02/2015 17:21

I took Her because of the uti symptoms.

My degree is in science I hope to do a pgce afterwards and teach.

OP posts:
quietlysuggests · 13/02/2015 17:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Flumpy2012 · 13/02/2015 17:27

No it's not but asking to go for a wee every 2 minutes in distress and nothing happening is

OP posts:
GotToBeInItToWinIt · 13/02/2015 17:42

I don't think the temp and mucous can be blamed on her carer. Scratches and being unclean are concerning though. What do you think has caused the scratches?

Christinayang1 · 13/02/2015 19:10

At least you have her back now which must be a relief

I would leave thing cool for the weekend and then arrange a time to see him next week to sort things out for dd

I know it's difficult but try and just had a quiet weekend with your dd, you both sound as if you need it

Vivacia · 13/02/2015 19:54

Brilliant advice Christina - take a breather, let the waters settle, nurture your daughter.

Flumpy2012 · 13/02/2015 20:04

Thank you. She was so happy to go to bed tonight, holding my hand.

We are having a calm weekend together. And I can't wait. I'm not making anymore contact with him and will leave it and see what happens

OP posts:
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