Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

DP just told me he's infatuated with a woman at work

203 replies

Flumpy2012 · 09/02/2015 03:45

I'm 8 weeks pregnant with dc2. Dp and I had a big row over something silly which escalated yesterday and continued today and I knew there was something underlying. He's lost 2.5 stone, had his hair cut and started smoking again, he also had a snipe about the fact that we've not dtd since conception(previous mc and General anxiety and nausea)

Please someone tell me what to do?

OP posts:
TheOddity · 09/02/2015 23:04

Lots of people fancy someone younger and gorgeous at work. 99.9% of those people wouldn't even hint about it to their newly pregnant, probably just starting to feel a bit chubby, sickly wife. So he is either : a) being cruel or b) half admitting to an affair. Either way, it's not your fault and please don't apologise to him for his callousness. Most men would not take the offer of a young woman if they were married, it's simply not true. I would be tempted as others have said to say if he isn't sure on what he wants, that you want to call a halt to the relationship for now, co parent in the same house and nothing more until he figures out what he really does want. You crack on with your studies, this is the key thing of course! Really good luck and please come back if you need a mumsnet sounding board.

guinnessguzzler · 10/02/2015 09:12

I think what Brightreddress says is spot on. He really needs to grow up. Just because we feel something doesn't mean we act on it. It is him who should be fighting for the relationship right now, not you. However, I think you need to try (and I do understand it is very hard, especially given your current circumstances) to think calmly about what you really want. If, aside from the previous breakdown and this current behaviour, you feel in general he is who you want to be with, then it might be worth asking him to consider counselling. Not with you, on his own. You say he doesn't cope well with stress. Well frankly he needs to learn because otherwise all the stress falls on you and that is not fair.

Right now he is behaving incredibly badly but you are best placed to figure out whether it is because he is struggling with something, deliberately manipulating, or he is just a natural arse. Whichever one of those it is you should not tolerate this behaviour in the future but in my opinion only in one of those cases should you give him the opportunity to stay in your life if he can learn better ways to cope.

He says he has been honest with you. So be honest with him. Tell him where your line is and stick to it. Tell him what you need from him, and explain why. Tell him that you love him (if you do) and that it is unacceptable for him to take his current pain, whatever the cause, out on you. Tell him you are worried about him (if you are) and that you will support him however you can through his struggles but not if he lashes out at you, emotionally or in any other way.

If he has already crossed your line then tell him that and get him out of your life.

Good luck x.

getthefeckouttahere · 10/02/2015 11:13

Oh come on you are all being terribly unfair.

The DP is obviously very conflicted!

'he wished he didn't like her' - see not his fault obv
'he fessed up that he would shag her' - honest through and through
'he's only doing what most men would do' - biology is bugger isn't it?
'you two haven't had sex for at least 8 weeks' - what are you, a nun??

Fucccccccccck That. Take it from me he intends to shag this girl, even if you turn into a cross between Demi Moore pregnant goddess and Anna Turnmeover the worlds most flexible (and pregnant) lover. Yuk yuk yuk, if you stay with this man demand more. A whole fucking lot more of him. (although factor in that he will still shag this girl given the teensy weeniest bit of encouragement).

If you do LTB, please do everything you can to finish your degree. I don't suspect for a second that it would be easy but that would make your achievement even greater.

guinnessguzzler · 10/02/2015 13:37

Yes, absolutely agree with, whatever you decide, focus on making sure your life can be how you want it, including finishing your degree.

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 10/02/2015 13:54

I have to say this would genuinely be LTB territory for me. If he has said 'I am infatuated with a girl at work. Obviously I would never ever do anything as I'm married to you and committed to making our relationship work, but I wanted to be honest with you' then there might be a chance we could sort it out. But he is basically telling you it's your fault and there's not actually anything you can do about it as, if she's interested, he'll go for it anyway.

HighwayToHell · 10/02/2015 15:11

Just to add..my now soon to be ex husband confessed 12 tears ago that he fancied our next door neighbour..I was gobsmacked and when pushed he confessed that he fantasied about having sex with her..I was left in no uncertain terms that he would..if it was offered..our marraige started to go down hill from there as my self esteem dropped through the floor..she was an older but very attractive woman..but I stayed with the idiot..and in 2009 he finally had an affair with a work colleague..another older woman..they are living together now but hes not happy as its suddenly very bring..but I wish I had walked away years ago and spared myself all that heart ache..
A decent loving partner should be supporting you through your pregancy, not more or less threatening to have sex with someone else..believe me if its not her it will be someone else..the man is an arse Sad

HighwayToHell · 10/02/2015 15:13

years not tears..wretched phone!

Original poster
Flumpy2012 · 11/02/2015 16:00

I typed out a huge long post and it didn't post for some reason.
The last few days have been pretty awful. He is adamant it is over so there's not much to fight for.

OP posts:
JonesTheSteam · 11/02/2015 16:21

He's adamant your relationship is over?

So sorry if that is what he's said... Sad

If he isn't willing to try and sort things out with you, he should be made to leave so you can sort out what you need to do next.

I'd be very surprised if nothing has happened between them. For him to take it this far it seems to be more than an infatuation.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 11/02/2015 16:22

Oh OP, that's grim. What fecking timing. What a twat.

Have you got real life support? I would tell everyone - and why.

Gfplux · 11/02/2015 17:45

What did he say when you were planning your second child together. Was the timing as you had both agreed or was it a surprise?

MajesticWhine · 11/02/2015 17:49

Sorry flumpy. What a total arsehole he is. How are you coping - do you have any real life support?

AnyFucker · 11/02/2015 18:37

I am very sorry to see this, flumpy

it was quite clear it was just a matter of time before this happened

let him go...He is not worthy of you

Original poster
Flumpy2012 · 11/02/2015 18:53

Not much RL support.
I had to go into hospital today and he refused contact, there was no one else and ss - who he's contacted told me to take her to him so I have. I am home now but bk to hospital for tests again tomorrow. He won't let me speak to her or reply to my emails, his phone is off. I've no idea where he has taken her.
I wish my post had sent earlier because it explained everything much better.
I am not perfect, I have acted irrationally, I have pushed him before, kneed him where it hurts, thrown his phone, locked him out. And I know it doesn't matter but I haven't done that this time. I just wanted him to care for dd so that I could go to hospital.
SS are happy that dd is safe and well and are only remaining in touch to be a go between whilst he refuses any contact with me.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 11/02/2015 19:03

he contacted Social Services ? why ?

AnyFucker · 11/02/2015 19:05

and he has your dd and won't let you know where she is nor let you speak to her ?

what fucking fresh hell is this ?

MorrisZapp · 11/02/2015 19:09

Why are ss involved?

MadameOvary · 11/02/2015 19:11

You do know that by the time he has given you a heads up that he is leaving you for someone else the affair is very well progressed?
An honourable person would be tortured that they had feelings for someone else and would do anything to make it right.
He's just fucked off.
What's with the SS involvement??

RessyMedHair · 11/02/2015 19:13

omg

What a cruel monster.
You are 8 weeks pregnant with his second child, he tells you he would sleep with a woman at work if he got the chance, now, he has taken your child somewhere and won't tell you where!

Do you have the number to ring social services back? They rang you. Ring them and tell them what he has done.

Original poster
Flumpy2012 · 11/02/2015 19:35

He called them because he said our relationship wasn't working and e was concerned I needed support. They have basically told him, the only support I need is with dd and that is down to him.
I just wish I could hear her little voice an say goodnight at least

OP posts:
JohnFarleysRuskin · 11/02/2015 19:54

What a manipulative bastard.

Has he moved out or do you expect him back? How did you leave it with him? Have you got family - yours or his - that you can contact?

AnyFucker · 11/02/2015 19:56

I am surprised that Social Services have rubber stamped him taking your daughter out of your care and not telling you where she is.

Camolips · 11/02/2015 20:14

Are you the same flumpy whose partner left when you were pregnant before? Honestly you and your children would be better off on your own.

AnyFucker · 11/02/2015 20:16

yes, he has form for this

guinnessguzzler · 11/02/2015 20:16

Ok, so he now sounds well and truly in the manipulative camp and it sounds like you are far better off without him. Don't really have any further advice to offer but I just hope all works out for you. You deserve so much better and you and your kids deserve to be happy x.