DP just told me he's infatuated with a woman at work

[Flumpy2012]

I'm 8 weeks pregnant with dc2. Dp and I had a big row over something silly which escalated yesterday and continued today and I knew there was something underlying. He's lost 2.5 stone, had his hair cut and started smoking again, he also had a snipe about the fact that we've not dtd since conception(previous mc and General anxiety and nausea)

Please someone tell me what to do?

What about your pregnancy OP?

I won't terminate, it's not what I want nor would it be what he would want.

Tonight I am really hearing what a lot of pp have said about my behaviour and how controlling and abuse it has been. I want to get help for that, I can see so many of my fundamental flaws and they are nobody's fault but my own. So much of what has happened is consequence of my actions and I need to step up as learn from that because the last thing I want is for my children to think those behaviours are right.

It will sound crazy to everyone but I still have hope of being a family of I can get the help I need to change my behaviours through cbt or whatever other channels needed. I have a great therapist but I don't see him often enough and am hoping to speak to him and make a weekly appointment and to ensure I am talking about and working through the right things.
Even if dp doesn't come back I need to make those changes for m, I have low self esteem and perhaps that comes from not being a very nice person.
What dp has done isn't necessarily right but how do we all know how we'd behave if we'd been treated the way he has.
Does anyone know of any charities that could help support me getting help for this?
Along side this I am still going to care for dd and do my best to be independent and get on with my life
How did I become such an awful person? It's so stark to look in the mirror and see it now. The abuse, the control, the criticism, he really didn't deserve any of it. I need to be a much better person even just to work as parents.

Hold on, the title of this thread is that your partner wants to shag someone at work, while you are pregnant with his second child. You are not the bad guy here. Hold onto that thought please. You aren't doing anyone any favours by whitewashing his behaviour.

I'm really not one who screams leave the bastard but this man sounds weak, fucked up and destructive. Its him that needs the therapy.

I find it really odd that any couple would get in touch with SS as a point-scoring exercise. It's weird.

Sorry posted too soon. It's all a bit of a mess OP. You need to sit down and think through everything clearly and consider how you're going to look after your child/ren.

I'm struggling to believe all of this. Such a fucking mess for all involved!

Then people asked for the back story and I gave it, I was honest. People call me abusive and when I identify with that myself no one wants to support.

He called SS because he didn't know where else to turn for support but it is clear that they don't wish to be involved for mediation between the 2 of us. They told him yesterday tht they have serious cases and he needs to stop calling.

Can no on advise where I start getting help for being abusive? He may be wrong too but that's for him to sort out.

I think you should start with your GP, and maybe speak to your HV too. Your HV may be able to offer advice about building a support network locally (which you are going to need if you continue with this pregnancy). There are charities and organisations who will provide support and home help, but your HV will be the best placed to put you in contact with them. Your GP should be able to refer you for counselling or cbt or some other help.

As others have said though, your partner has not been good in all of this. He took your child, left her with a stranger, refused you and her contact, and returned her with scratches and dirty. He may well b a nice guy who has been pushed to the limit, but I don't think so. I think it is more likely that the two of you are just toxic when you are together. Too many learned behaviours towards each other, too much water under the bridge. It is probably time to call it a day together, and learn to be good parents but separately.

The health visitor is arranging home start and outreach support. I have a few friends and neighbours who will support. One is coming over today to play with dd whilst I do some housework. I'm more looking for charities or helplines for abusers.
I feel like DP has been wrong and not put DDs physical and emotional well being first but I can also see that he was trying to keep his job because that is the underpinning for him to have any sort of life. He hasn't had any time to think without work or dd since this but he now has the weekend and I hope that we can talk next week. I don't want him to run back tomorrow but I just want a chance to prove I will change and that I can and who knows what sort of person that will make him? To me raising 2 children alone and him being distanced from his children is a sad alternative to the possibility of change and happiness between us. I think if there was nothing then we wouldn't have come back. We clearly do fundamentally love each other and I don't think deep down this is what either of us wants to happen but he has reached a point where he couldn't live like this any longer and I can see why.

OP thank you for clarifying your wishes regarding your pregnancy. Now we all know that comments about terminating are not going to be helpful, to say the least.

You say you're not a nice person. I disagree, I think you've just showed some unkind, concerning behaviours. I agree with Agatha speak to your GP.

Regarding your partner, I think you need to accept that your relationship is over. You have abused him and assaulted him. You are not good for each other.

We clearly do fundamentally love each other

I disagree. I think your behaviour towards him shows the complete opposite.

This relationship is dead in the water. I think you need to realise this. Go to the GP, ask to be referred rob the local community mental health team for support re your issues. Your 'partner' has his own issues, but only he can address those.
It might help to ring MIND. The link is:
www.mind.org.uk/information-support/helplines/

I will call mind today and see my gp and my cbt therapist next week.

I don't feel we should be a broken family if I really can change.

I will call mind today and see my gp and my cbt therapist next week.

I don't feel we should be a broken family if I really can change.

He needs to change too though. He needs to want to change and to commit to actually seeking help as well as you.

"At least you have her back now which must be a relief"

Dear God, have you read this thread at all? It's certainly not a relief from where I'm sitting. This is a woman that dragged her DD to her ex-H(?)'s office when she needed to do uni work and who is violent towards him. I don't think it's a relief to have a child in the care of someone exhibiting violent behaviour. Do you? If the ex-H had been violent to the OP, would it be OK to leave the DD with him? There's no indication in the posts that he returned that physical violence, or that he was the originator.

"Hold on, the title of this thread is that your partner wants to shag someone at work, while you are pregnant with his second child. You are not the bad guy here. Hold onto that thought please. You aren't doing anyone any favours by whitewashing his behaviour"

And it turns out there's much more to the story (well, who knew?!). It sounds like BOTH of these people are the 'nad guys' in their treatment of each other and of their innocent child. So you, equally, aren't dointg any favours by whitewashing the OP's behaviour.

Both of them are reprehensible.

The only blameless one is the poor little girl at the centre of this. Oh, and the poor unborn child that's set to arrive into the middle of this bloody train-wreck.

One little nugget of advice - When relationships are in trouble, having a child is never, ever the answer.

Should say 'bad guys'. Typing too fast.

Ask your hv about parenting classes op and if you have a children's centre start going to their groups. And look into single parent support groups online or locally for advice and support about logistics of two kids and an unreliable ex.

OP I have read this thread incredulously.

I hear you want to make things right but you need to accept that it will take time to change your thinking patterns and behaviours. In the meantime you are better off not in a relationship with your DP as there is a danger that you will continue to behave abusively towards him.

You sound chaotic and recklessly reactive, not a good combination for being in a relationship, being a parent or being a teacher.

Many universities have a councelling and support service. Perhaps you could try those services, they may be more accessible than other therapies.

Whatever changes you make, they need to be done quickly and intensively. Having a second child in these chaotic circumstances will heap damage upon damage to everyone.

I agree with the PPL that parenting courses would be helpful for both of you.

Sorry I can't suggest a charity that can help but you can always try googling.

You want to be a teacher??

Goodness.

Oh OP you have been too open on here. Imo you have been judged for it.

This is a complex situation and imo will take a lot of intervention. Imo you need to not live under the same roof for the foreseeable, as you both trigger one another. I don't agree your relationship is dead in the water necessarily but you MUST stay away from one another for a while to gives things the chance to calm down - it's been a hellish few days. Please quit thinking you are the dirty dog in this bcs people on here say you are. It's not as simple as that. Save the sharing for people who are qualified.

So glad your daughter is back, that must have been awful. I hope you can get some time to get calm, both you and dd. Please leave off contacting your partner for now, you MUST calm down and be calm for dd, who has really been through it.

Springy she assaulted him, and aimed for his genitals. I think that's a pretty sure sign the relationship should be "dead in the water".

I hope we'd say the same to any poster whose partner assaulted them in this manner.

Your relationship is a total mess and no you should not be together, and thank god your ex had the sense to leave you. Now you both need to stop 'kidnapping' your daughter and come up with a civil custody arrangement!

Also no it is not your fault the relationship ended, yes you physically assaulted him but it also sounds he was emotionally abusive at times. You are not good together, sad but you just need accept that.

Isn't it amazing that if a man assaulted one of us that we'd be telling her to leave the bastard and yet, when one of us assaults our partner we try to find a defence and say the relationship isn't over?

This is truly a bizarre contradiction.

When you physically assault someone, the relationship is over. Absolutely fucking dead.

Escalation is the real worry - where does it end?

Goldie you are talking absolute sense.

It sounds to me like the DP is frightened of her reactive, violent, unpredictable nature. She is all over the place, hence his phone calls to SS.

I suspect if a woman called SS and said their partner had been violent, they would have taken it a whole lot more seriously.

Escalation? - well that is entirely up to you OP. You are the escalator in the relationship by the sound of it. As PP have said, if you can keep calm and keep to your commitment to attend therapy or councelling things should improve for you and you will feel calmer and happier.