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Original poster

DP just told me he's infatuated with a woman at work

203 replies

Flumpy2012 · 09/02/2015 03:45

I'm 8 weeks pregnant with dc2. Dp and I had a big row over something silly which escalated yesterday and continued today and I knew there was something underlying. He's lost 2.5 stone, had his hair cut and started smoking again, he also had a snipe about the fact that we've not dtd since conception(previous mc and General anxiety and nausea)

Please someone tell me what to do?

OP posts:
Vivacia · 12/02/2015 15:45

I can't get my head around this. You're at university? You've decided to have another child and with this man because you want "a bigger family"??

Original poster
Flumpy2012 · 12/02/2015 15:57

Then one night I got annoyed that he didn't clean the kitchen up after himself. He was in bed and I woke him and told him - he was angry, threw things and totally laid into me about being lazy and selfish, not doing my face or hair, not getting dressed, not having sex. He said I just wanted a baby and now I didn't care. I stayed quiet not wanting it to escalate. I said I was sorry he felt that way. He went on raging and telling me I dare come to bed and that I must sleep on the sofa and see how I like it. I took dd and left, I called him about not locking back door so he knew an we ended up talking, I said, you can't behave like this, he said I couldn't behave how I was either. I said I'm pregnant he said it's no excuse. I asked if this life was what he wanted he sai not like this but he wanted to work things out and told me to come back so I did. We went out with friends on Sunday but ended up arguing again in the evening and I dig to the bottom and for the ow infatuation out of him and his thoughts of being unhappy etc. We were up all night and in the early hours my kidneys began to hurt, on Monday I said I needed him to stay whilst I went to gp because I couldn't lift dd. He just left, then I called and he did come back, but he was really angry. I ended up saying just go to work, he was then vile and rude so I said no I'm not doing you a favour when I feel like this and you don't are and I went and sat in the car for an hour before my appointment. He threatened to take dd forever, get SS to remove her etc, I know he was just angry. He then took her to his work and left her with a stranger all day and turned his phone off so that I couldn't know where she was. I was referred to hospital so had to go there. He then relented and told me where she was and I hit the roof, I text the girl and told her it was illegal as she was unregistered and not declaring and I would report her if she didn't give dd back, do bought her home but was livid. He went to walk straight out but I was begging him to just talk, I wanted things to calm down. I ended up going to a neighbour to calm down. He told me he had to work could I please come and have dd. I did but took his keys so he wouldn't walk out and we could talk after she was asleep. He didn't really want to talk but we agreed my parents would have dd over the weekend and we would spend quality time together and try to sort things out. He told me to talk to them upstairs so he could concentrate. I left the keys downstairs and whilst I couldn't hear he just left.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flumpy2012 · 12/02/2015 16:03

He had called SS again for support and they turned up at my door on Tuesday unannounced. She was lovely and said dd doesn't need any protection but we need to communicate and sort our relationship out, together or not.
On weds I needed to go to hospital, he refused to help, I took her to his office and went to hospital who told me my kidneys would not improve if I didn't get some sleep and rest. So he kept her, but he had refused to take her bag so I was worried. I kept emailing and finally I was allowed to speak to her. Then this morning I asked about her going to nursery rather than a stranger, he said yes but only if I could collect her but I couldn't guarantee because of hospital. So he said no. I called SS as they said we had to act in dd best interests and I didn't feel he was, they said it was fine, I'm really pissed off. Now he's back NC so I've no idea when he'll come back or when she'll have her things etc. There's nothing I can do though so I just have to trust she's ok.

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 12/02/2015 16:04

Well I'm sorry but you are at fault here too. What a mess of things.

You locked him in the house so he couldn't go to work?

You took your dd to his work because you were stressed and needed to do uni work?

With all due respect you have got a lot of things to deal with yourself and I don't think he has been the great support you hoped for but it is not as easy as you think for one to just stay off work as and when they're needed.

It sounds like childcare would help your situation to take the pressure from your dp during those times of stress.

How will you manage with two babies if you struggle with one?

Think carefully. Good luck with it all.

Original poster
Flumpy2012 · 12/02/2015 16:05

I have missed out, in one of our arguments I pushed him away because he was in my face, after I found out he was on the phone to SS the first time I smashed his phone, when he goaded me about calling them again I kneed him in the privates and I have taken his keys to stop him leaving a blocked exits etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flumpy2012 · 12/02/2015 16:07

I know I am at fault too, I hve kept saying but that's such a long post to write that I just hadn't.
Against all of this I still want to be a family because I do see my downfalls and I do know how I can change. I fell sad and bitter that we both wanted another baby and now I'm just left despite knowing what that dos to me last time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flumpy2012 · 12/02/2015 16:07

I didn't lock him in I just took his keys so he couldn't drive off

OP posts:
brightreddress · 12/02/2015 16:11

What a sad story.

Nextwednesday · 12/02/2015 16:13

This is a complete mess (understatement) and I feel for you but I think you are going to need some support to sort it out. I hope your child is ok.

Nextwednesday · 12/02/2015 16:15

If he has to work and you can't look after your dd, then I suppose he did what he had to do by taking her with him.

happywanderingwithdog · 12/02/2015 16:20

Ok, so he sounds like an arse but you do too. You have just admitted to physically abusing him. Why on earth are the two of you together? You need to sort yourself out, talk to your GP about your anger issues (if you haven't already). You both need counselling, probably separately from the sound of it. Then you need to decide if you want to be together. IMHO, bringing another child into this relationship when you are both clearly unab?e to cope was just bloody selfish.

InfinitySeven · 12/02/2015 16:29

You need to speak to SS, and get an action plan in place, including when your DD will be returned to you.

Is it your assessment that you are not well enough to look after your DD? His? SS?

While you do need to make sure that your DD is in the best place, I would be asking for support to keep her with you - perhaps extra nursery funding, and help picking her up - rather than leaving her with him. At the moment, it'd be very easy for him to show that you are not well enough to look after her, and therefore he should have primary residence.

I have failing kidneys, and so I can understand how you feel, but you need to look at the bigger picture.

There is violence and anxiety and utter ludicrousness in your relationship, and you are absolutely certainly better off apart. Start making that a reality. Look at your financial situation while your DD is elsewhere. Change your claims to single claims. Speak to the OU about a break, if you're going to need one. Sort nursery time so that you'll be able to study. Get everything in order. And whatever you do, work on establishing a co-parenting relationship with your P, rather than a romantic one. It doesn't work between you, he isn't committed, and it's a horrible environment for your daughter.

CleanLinesSharpEdges · 12/02/2015 16:50

What a mess.

I honestly think you should give some very serious thought to terminating the pregnancy.

I'm not surprised at all that SS are involved and I think your daughter is better of where she is at the moment, with her dad.

Take this time out to focus on your physical and mental health.

Vivacia · 12/02/2015 17:39

Oh dear, what a sad, complicated story for all involved.

I think you need to be making decisions based on what's best for your daughter. That might mean her not being with you. I think the best you can do is show that you are willing to seek (and accept) help from the professionals.

Clarabumps · 12/02/2015 17:48

How are you today OP?

I'm really sorry this is happening but I'm not sure I could trust someone who's m.o was to up and leave whenever he felt like it(other woman aside) x

Vivacia · 12/02/2015 18:02

I think he's sensible to leave if he's being abused, his property is being damaged and there's violence in his daughter's home.

Original poster
Flumpy2012 · 12/02/2015 18:17

I know you are right. I annoy terminate, this was a wanted baby and it would feel terribly wrong. Despite how this all sounds it does not go on infront of Dd otherwise SS would have serious concerns, they don't, as soon as we are communicating again they will ease involvement. I know the things I've done are wrong and the things he has done also, the throws things and shouts and threatens. I still hope that somewhere we can be at least friend, because dd loves it when we're together and happy, she is such a happy child, ahead with speech, very sociable, she's not abused nor exposed to this in any way, when either of u have her she is our priority.
I fear if he leaves I will have no support at all locally as he'll move near work. I say if he leaves, he has.

OP posts:
Flimflammer · 12/02/2015 18:20

What stands out for me is that he falls apart when you are in a position of needing him, or being I'll. When things are going well between you would you say its an equal relationship or are you the care giver who looks after him?

Quitelikely · 12/02/2015 18:46

If he has left you and is going to move far away near work, you need to ensure you have got adequate support in place for when you have baby number two.

If you don't I can see this escalating into full blown SS involvement, after all if he's miles away and you're ringing him demanding support, struggling to cope, he may well call the SS to intervene.

How will you manage your degree if you can't manage it now with only one dc?

Best advice is: get help, get support and do not rely on your ex for support.

The relationship was toxic and not good for any of you, especially not your dd.

This new baby will only pile the pressure on further. Babies need love and stability. This relationship wasn't stable. Ever.

Original poster
Flumpy2012 · 12/02/2015 19:00

The being needed is very true, he wants to be wanted not needs and I understand that and I have been poorly on and of and that is very draining for a partner.

When things are good they're really good and we do muddle along well a lot. We don't argue every day or anything but we don't always communicate our feelings which doesn't help.

I will cope with another baby, I have no concerns, because I coped very well with Dd and never once had an issue or a down day or anything and still don't with regards to her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flumpy2012 · 12/02/2015 19:01

I am also taking a year out from uni after my exams in June. Dd does 1.5 days nursery too.

I really hope he will live near here, he was local when I had dd and they got lovely time together bonded. We always felt like a family even when we weren't

OP posts:
Original poster
Flumpy2012 · 12/02/2015 19:02

I am also taking a year out from uni after my exams in June. Dd does 1.5 days nursery too.

I really hope he will live near here, he was local when I had dd and they got lovely time together bonded. We always felt like a family even when we weren't

OP posts:
Christinayang1 · 12/02/2015 19:13

So you are having another child but haven't got the one you have with you?

The whole thing seems like a mess, I'm still not clear why ss are involved or what they hope to achieve

When is he bringing her back?

Original poster
Flumpy2012 · 12/02/2015 19:55

She isn't with me because I went into hospital with kidney problems not because I don't want her or don't care. I want her back now but he will not bring her back.

Ss are involved because he called them. They hve said there's nothing for them to do but we've both sought advice from them on the best thing for dd whilst I was in hospital.

OP posts:
Auburnsparkle · 12/02/2015 19:56

So he is refusing to bring her back? In that case you need a solicitor and fast.