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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Confused - if he's not interested why does he act it?

189 replies

tinks4 · 11/12/2014 15:39

I have posted before about a male friend of mine. I really like him and I wasn’t sure if he liked me or not. He seemed to like me – flirty with me, suggestive comments, made excuses to come and see me, tactile and stands really close to me etc., but he hadn’t made a move on me so I wasn’t sure. Anyway after a while I think he did make a pass at me, but it was a bit clumsy and took me by surprise and I ended up taking it as him joking about. It didn’t register with me until afterwards that he probably made a pass at me.

Fast forward a good few months and I am still mightily confused! He’s still exactly the same with me and I’ve been a lot more flirty with him so he can’t be in any doubt now that I like him. A couple of months ago we were having a bit of banter about him taking me to bed. He was joking about whether my neighbours might hear and I said ‘I’d be noisy would I?’ He said ‘I don’t know’ followed by a pause and then ‘yet!’ We then looked at each and smiled. Sort of a well that’s going to happen at some point then look. The conversation continued with a bit more banter along those lines and I got a slap on the bum and a cheeky grin when he left. I was walking on air for a bit thinking he does like me and we’re going to get together at some point.

That was two months and still nothing has happened. He came round last week and we were sitting together extremely closely on my sofa. We were talking about alcohol and he remarked that it makes him ‘rampant’. He elaborated and said that it’s like an aphrodisiac for him. My sense of humour being like it is I said ‘oh do you fancy a drink’. He said no, the conversation continued along those lines and I said ‘are you sure you don’t want a drink, I’ve got a bottle of wine in the fridge’. He said ‘I’m tempted’ but declined. Not sure if the conversation was about the wine or not. We continued chatting and he said something suggestive to me, I can’t remember what it was, and I said ‘you shouldn’t say things like that, you’ve already got me wound up’. He clarified if I meant wound up or excited, I said excited. The sexual tension between us was obvious, but nothing happened.

He did take a call from a man who he was supposed to have rung that evening and he said he would ring him when he got back, so I did wonder if that may have been the reason. But, the man rang him soon after he was round mine and he was at mine for about an hour and a half so I don’t think it was that. He could also have said I can’t tonight, but another time or something.

So I’m thinking that for whatever reason he’s not interested in developing things any further between us and wants to stay just friends. But when he was about to leave he asked me what my shower pressure was like (that’s not a weird question coming from him). I showed him and he said ‘I’ll enjoy having a shower in there’. Then when I was showing him out he said to text him when I’d got the stuff done that we’d been looking at that evening and he’d come round and pick it up. I said fine and he said in an extremely sexual way that he has ‘make sure you’re ready’.

I was outside with him a few days after that, at the weekend, and he put his hands on the tops of my arms/shoulder area and moved me right to him. He then pointed out there was a dove in the tree. He could have just said there’s a dove in the tree, it just came over as a reason to get physically close to me. He then said that the tree still had leaves on it so he would be camouflaged if he was naked in the tree watching me. He didn’t mean that in a pervy way, it’s just his sense of humour.

So basically I am totally confused. He had a perfect chance last week with me and declined so I thought he doesn’t want to. So why is he still making comments and acting for all the world like he is interested. He’s not shy at all, he definitely knows I like him. I don’t know if he just likes the banter/attention, doesn’t want a relationship, just playing me.

I suppose what I am asking is if he’s not interested then why he is acting interested in every other way? Any thoughts would be appreciated as it’s doing my head in now.

OP posts:
JavelinArse · 14/12/2014 20:04

It sounds like your are reading too much into his words/actions, he really doesn't sound very 'into' you from what you've said.

It all sounds like a typical secondary school carry on, how old are you both?!

His comment about sticking his tongue down your throat certainly doesn't qualify as 'making a pass at you' not in my book anyway

IsabeauMichelle · 14/12/2014 20:19

Hope everything's going ok!

NoArmaniNoPunani · 14/12/2014 20:24

Good luck OP

Viviennemary · 14/12/2014 20:36

He certainly doesn't seem to want a physical type of relationship with you for whatever reason only known to him. He's got a wife or a steady girlfriend but is enjoying the flirting and the fact you obviously like him. .Could he be gay though it doesn't really sound like he is.

TtipParty · 14/12/2014 21:05

I had this once. Not only did he turn out to have a girlfriend, but when they were 'on a break' I also discovered he had the world's smallest willy. A macro-clit. Seriously disappointing.

SuperFlyHigh · 14/12/2014 21:12

Trust me OP this guy is flirting with you and playing games. He's enjoying the flirting but doesn't want more.

I'd let it die a death and avoid him.

LittleDonkeyLeftie · 14/12/2014 21:55

I also had this once and the bloke

a) had a teeny tiny dick
b) Had an incredibly low sex drive
c) was a big game player

Good luck though - hope it goes well for you.

GilbertBlytheWouldGiftIt · 14/12/2014 22:01

MACRO CLIT omg TTIMG. You win the internet for tonight.

Snatchoo · 14/12/2014 22:42

Hope tonight goes well OP. If he's there for more than two hours with no snogging or shagging you need to ask him outright.

bumpthedoor · 14/12/2014 22:55

Premature ejaculation's looking less likely.

OttiliaVonBCup · 14/12/2014 22:59

Nah..
OP is lounging in her finest lingerie and he's making small talk with the occasional innuendo thrown in.
Oh the frisson !

bumpthedoor · 14/12/2014 23:03

We could start taking bets to pass the time.

Malabrigo · 14/12/2014 23:12

A tenner on it being inconclusive in some way.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 14/12/2014 23:14

OP is in crotchless panties on the sofa like an oven-ready turkey, while Sid James enquires what shower pressure she's getting these days.

tinks4 · 14/12/2014 23:16

I put a nice dress on and I thought I looked ok. He came round, thought I liked nice. We sat on the infamous sofa, bit of general chit chat for 10 minutes or so. He seemed as nervous as I was. A few 'so then' comments followed by a pause and looking at each other.

He eventually started talking about us. He is interested in me, but because of his daughter, his work and our friendship he doesn't think it's that straightforward so he wanted to talk to me about it first. He wasn't sure what I wanted so he felt awkward having that conversation with me. His daughter is hard work at the minute, she's 15, he hasn't had a relationship since he split up from his wife, he doesn't think his daughter will deal with it very well. If he did start seeing me he doesn't want his daughter to know about it at least not while she is still going off on one easily. He works a lot, he has to he can't afford to change that at the moment, he doesn't get any leisure time. He can't see me that often for decent periods of time, I might not see him before next weekend and if I did it would probably be for an hour or so. He didn't want to ruin our friendship 'I would hate to fall out with you'.

I said how I had felt things were between us the last few months. He agreed that we had both been thinking about each other in that way for a while. We're going to go out for a drink at some point, but probably not until after Christmas. We are going to see each other, but probably just once a week or so and see how it goes.

I did get a kiss and quite a bit more besides, we didn't go all the way. It was worth the wait! He was very passionate and very attentive to me. We were very at ease with each other, although I do think he does have an issue with his size I don't know why it looked normal to me. We were canoodling on the sofa for a good hour and it was lovely.

I had a wonderful evening and I am so happy that he does like me. It's nice to have it confirmed and to be able to talk about it with him.

OP posts:
ChristmassyMe · 14/12/2014 23:17

"Premature ejaculation's looking less likely."

...Well they might be on their 10th go by now! Hope it's gone well OP! Nobody is taking that bet Malabrigo

ChristmassyMe · 14/12/2014 23:20

Ah, crossed posts! Well done OP, glad you had a nice evening. I kind of wanna punch him in the face though! Get on with it man, what's wrong with you?! 15yo dd doesn't know what you're doing with your knob and will be entirely unaffected by it.

Malabrigo · 14/12/2014 23:24

Good luck OP. hope it works out.

bumpthedoor · 14/12/2014 23:25

Glad you had a nice evening OP. I can go to bed now. Night.

beaglesaresweet · 14/12/2014 23:46

Phew, some action at last! Thanks for updating tonight!
Hope you are ok with taking it slowly and seeing him weekly, but it sounds like you are not in a huge rush yourself, so good luck!

sykadelic · 14/12/2014 23:53

Congrats OP :) Glad it's working out :D

christmaspies · 14/12/2014 23:59

Well it seems a bit disappointing to me. It doesn't sound as if he's all that keen with all the negative talk going on as to why he doesn't want a full on relationship.

BlairWaldorfHeadBand · 15/12/2014 07:44

Woooo! Go you tinks! It's bloody hard being a single parent, you don't always get to do things for you because you have to think about your child and their feelings. It looks to me like he has spent some time thinking about what he wants, what you want and what his daughter wants and is trying to do what's best for everyone. He sounds aware and considerate of everyone's feelings which is nice.
Hope you see him soon x

annielostit · 15/12/2014 08:05

I'm with Christmaspies on this one, he's taking the piss. I like you have a grope then see you soon. I'd find someone else to talk to on my settee.

MadeMan · 15/12/2014 08:09

Glad you had a nice evening Tinks. Smile

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