Confused - if he's not interested why does he act it?

[tinks4]

I have posted before about a male friend of mine. I really like him and I wasn’t sure if he liked me or not. He seemed to like me – flirty with me, suggestive comments, made excuses to come and see me, tactile and stands really close to me etc., but he hadn’t made a move on me so I wasn’t sure. Anyway after a while I think he did make a pass at me, but it was a bit clumsy and took me by surprise and I ended up taking it as him joking about. It didn’t register with me until afterwards that he probably made a pass at me.

Fast forward a good few months and I am still mightily confused! He’s still exactly the same with me and I’ve been a lot more flirty with him so he can’t be in any doubt now that I like him. A couple of months ago we were having a bit of banter about him taking me to bed. He was joking about whether my neighbours might hear and I said ‘I’d be noisy would I?’ He said ‘I don’t know’ followed by a pause and then ‘yet!’ We then looked at each and smiled. Sort of a well that’s going to happen at some point then look. The conversation continued with a bit more banter along those lines and I got a slap on the bum and a cheeky grin when he left. I was walking on air for a bit thinking he does like me and we’re going to get together at some point.

That was two months and still nothing has happened. He came round last week and we were sitting together extremely closely on my sofa. We were talking about alcohol and he remarked that it makes him ‘rampant’. He elaborated and said that it’s like an aphrodisiac for him. My sense of humour being like it is I said ‘oh do you fancy a drink’. He said no, the conversation continued along those lines and I said ‘are you sure you don’t want a drink, I’ve got a bottle of wine in the fridge’. He said ‘I’m tempted’ but declined. Not sure if the conversation was about the wine or not. We continued chatting and he said something suggestive to me, I can’t remember what it was, and I said ‘you shouldn’t say things like that, you’ve already got me wound up’. He clarified if I meant wound up or excited, I said excited. The sexual tension between us was obvious, but nothing happened.

He did take a call from a man who he was supposed to have rung that evening and he said he would ring him when he got back, so I did wonder if that may have been the reason. But, the man rang him soon after he was round mine and he was at mine for about an hour and a half so I don’t think it was that. He could also have said I can’t tonight, but another time or something.

So I’m thinking that for whatever reason he’s not interested in developing things any further between us and wants to stay just friends. But when he was about to leave he asked me what my shower pressure was like (that’s not a weird question coming from him). I showed him and he said ‘I’ll enjoy having a shower in there’. Then when I was showing him out he said to text him when I’d got the stuff done that we’d been looking at that evening and he’d come round and pick it up. I said fine and he said in an extremely sexual way that he has ‘make sure you’re ready’.

I was outside with him a few days after that, at the weekend, and he put his hands on the tops of my arms/shoulder area and moved me right to him. He then pointed out there was a dove in the tree. He could have just said there’s a dove in the tree, it just came over as a reason to get physically close to me. He then said that the tree still had leaves on it so he would be camouflaged if he was naked in the tree watching me. He didn’t mean that in a pervy way, it’s just his sense of humour.

So basically I am totally confused. He had a perfect chance last week with me and declined so I thought he doesn’t want to. So why is he still making comments and acting for all the world like he is interested. He’s not shy at all, he definitely knows I like him. I don’t know if he just likes the banter/attention, doesn’t want a relationship, just playing me.

I suppose what I am asking is if he’s not interested then why he is acting interested in every other way? Any thoughts would be appreciated as it’s doing my head in now.

I'm same as christmas pies and another poster only because this time last year I was involved with a man with 13 year old son. Never again! Not to do with son but because I can't deal with the ex and how she made him dance to her tune.

I can understand this. Firstly he is looking for some thing certain from you. . and probably wondering the same thing Secondly is true that men are so often put into the sinister abuser box he might feel wrong to pressure you. Thirdly it could be he is worried about losing you so is reluctant to go all in in case it doesn't work out. Or he could be just straight horny for you but unsure about relationship. I think work out for sure if you would really like to do something and what that is.. If a get off Wild be a big thing or possible as physical only.. then get drunk in fun stressfree place and do something unequivocal.

I think it's good he is considering his daughter and you and not jumping into everything. God knows there are enough women on here complaining about men who swan of with heir new woman without a second thought for any children etc

I would keep busy though and not be putting all my eggs in one basket and although he is busy see how he goes calling etc to make sure he isn't messing you about.

Good luck

So glad you finally had the conversation and got it all out in the open. Hate to say it but "told you so"!! As for his daughter, I obviously don't know how real this is but she will grow up so it depends how fast you want to move on this or whether you want to keep it under the radar for the while. Importantly you have finally found out how he felt about you and broken the ice that you so desperately wanted to do. Well done! So how are you feeling this morning?

He hasn't got more than a hour or so here and there to spare you, he won't be telling anyone his daughter about you, you haven't set a date for an actual 'date' and you've had a grope on the sofa.

This is fuck-buddy territory, it's not going any further than that.

I am so glad we got an update on the size of his knob.

It does sound like fuck buddy territory so you need to be really honest with yourself OP if you can handle that?

I am the sort of person who would convince myself that I could handle it and then I would get in too deep and end up a blubbering needy mess.

At the very least, you know he fancies you and that has to put a smile on your face for Christmas eh?

OP your story reminds me of somebody I 'not quite' got together with before I met DH.

He was very flirty, very suggestive, etc, always up until the point where we were actually alone together, then suddenly it would all go a bit weird and awkward. I thought I really liked him and spent hours agonising over where it was all going.

Then amidst all this I had a night out with some friends and handsome stranger appeared at my side, asked me if I was single and told me I was gorgeous - and spent the rest of the evening snogging my face off. Funnily enough, I didn't give my 'not quite' boyfriend another thought and 15 years later am very happily married to the man who did actually know what he wanted.

And I promise, there are lots of men out there who do know what they want. Let one of them come and find you - you deserve so much more than the crumbs you are being thrown

Yes, being offered a weekly one-hour secret fingering doesn't sound like the start of Gone With The Wind.

Does his daughter actually live with him OP? I've never heard of anyone with so little free time, he sounds married, but you said earlier that you know that he isn't.

I have to say that there doesn't seem much in it for you relationship wise, but as long as you keep your expectations low, who knows?

Meanwhile, don't close yourself off to the idea of meeting someone else, who might be more straightforward, and will be up for a bit more than a FB situation.

CleanLines etc have got it spot on, yes it's fuck buddy or nowt else...

I'd also go in with eyes wide open because it still seems as he has you under his spell and moreorless knows he can say/do what he likes and you'll drop your knickers (literally), do you really want to be in that position?

I'll give you a scenario - separated neighbour with 2 DC starts to work at a school, TA working there sees her and targets her, before you know it they're seeing each other but on his terms, he too makes up excuses (sick DD, DM etc) as to why/when he can/can't see her. He comes round to her house stays the night, when she doesn't work etc for sex. He doesn't want her to come out to work functions in case people see them/find out. Their DDs had a friendship and he was desperate for secrecy. She had months of this, agonizing, crying as to what he wanted (everyone else could see it) until a good friend of his told her he was cheating on her and he didn't deny it and it ended.

Then this year she met a new man - and ok there are some problems there but at least he's there and supportive and kind and doesn't just disappear as and when like the last man did. He's also supported her in her standing up to her idiot abusive ex-DH.

You really really do not want to be in a situation where you're a puppet on a string for one man because you think/know there is nothing else out there for you or no-one wants you.

He's not offering you a relationship.

The reasons are irrelevant. He's not available for a relationship.

If a relationship is what you want, OP, then you need to stay away from this man and look elsewhere. It's not going to happen with him.

Please be careful, OP.

He's being a classic player but outlining the reasons that he can't give you what we wants so reasonably that you just accept them, and become grateful for the crumbs that he's offering. I know that you don't want to think of it like that, but it's exactly what it is...

Last night he told you that he wants a relationship with you, but he can't. He had some reasons, that could be true or could not, but he told you that nothing serious can happen right now. At that point, if he cared about you, he would have left. It is common knowledge that people with feelings for each other can't be casual fuck buddies. It doesn't work. He wouldn't have wanted to risk hurting you.

Instead, he gave you some reasons dressed up and then made sure that he still got his thrill. Then he left on the promise that you'll meet up after Christmas and do it again, but you still can't expect any more time from him. You're getting less then someone who was actually looking for a fuck buddy.

Telling people what they don't want to hear NICELY is communication 101. I often apologise to my inlaws when they invite us to do something I don't want to do..."I'm really sorry, we've already got plans, I'd have loved to, though." etc. Exactly what he did to you. Make it look like the world is conspiring against you, rather than him letting you down. His daughter is the perfect excuse - you can't hate his daughter, it makes everything blameless.

You need to find the strength to walk away because you'll only ever get the crumbs that he's throwing you. He isn't willing to give you any more. If we're all wrong and he does want a relationship, he'll offer you more if you walk. If we're right and it's just about the sex, he'll make some false noises to try and win back your attention, but ultimately he won't offer you anything else.

Keep your high standards and stop letting him get under your skin, he's not worth it.

For a man who can only spare you the odd hour here and there, he has spent a lot of time on your settee. Honestly, I think you should tell him where to get off.

The clue is in your thread title - he's 'acting' interested. Many men who want to mess about with women have an obsession with appearing to behave honourably - they will do anything to make it seem as if they are doing the right thing, but in reality they know they are doing nothing of the sort. It just allows them to get away with stringing people along.

He's managing down your expectations so that you are grateful for whatever crumbs he throws at you - an hour here and there, not ready for a relationship, his commitment is to his daughter etc. He has set it up so that you can't complain because he's warned you what the situation is, but you're not listening because you think he has potential and he'll change. He doesn't and he won't.

Don't demean yourself by accepting crumbs, look for someone who has a genuine interest in you. All this messing about is doing you no favours and he's a spineless, and perhaps even cruel, idiot for dragging it out like this.

The more I think about this situation, the more I'm reminded of the brilliant Friends episode where Joey exclaims, "This man is my God"

Here's the link to the YouTube clip, it's only a minute:

Competely agree with InfinitySeven. This man doesn't want you, nor does he want to be with you. He's toying with you. Your update from last night is full of his excuses not to be with you. He's emotionally unavailable and is telling you so, but you're not listening. Please don't fall for this crap.

I'd recommend you have a good long browse of the posts on this site, in particular and this article and others on emotionally unavailable men, because that's exactly what he is. Just in case you don't - because you understandably don't want to hear what it says - I'll c&p a section from the article linked to above that I feel is hugely relevant in your situation (the bold highlighting is mine).

Mr Unavailables cannot commit to an outcome.

They can’t commit to being with you and they can’t commit to not being with you so they they flip flap around you, messing up your life, getting an ego stroke, shag, a shoulder to lean on and anything else they can get while they’re at it. All the while, they have no genuine intention of committing and in fact look for every excuse under the sun to avoid commitment.

They maintain the Status Quo. If you imagine your ‘relationship’ with them on a scale of 1-10, they like to keep it at 5. If things get dramatic and take it below 5, they’ll start blowing hot to get it back to controllable levels. If they blow smoke up your bum and make promises they can’t keep, taking the relationship too far above 5 into 7,8,9, they’ll withdraw on you and start running the cold or lukewarm tap.

Blowing hot and cold is a fundamental part of their modus operandi and they use it to manage the relationship on their terms and keep things under their control. This is also how your expectations get managed down and you become receptive to a watered down version of commitment.

They are a walking contradiction. Their words and actions do not match which means at a basic level, they cannot commit to the words that come out of their mouth and they cannot commit to following through and delivering. This is a basic example of their inability to commit to basic requirements for living with integrity nevermind a relationship! They’re also very disconnected from their actions so even though they may recognise that on some level that they’re a pain in the backside, they actually often think they’re a great catch with no problems – it’s everyone else.

They use sex as a weapon. While you may think that they’re showing how much they feel for you, sex is just something that is used to disarm you and create an illusion of a connection between you both which makes it easier for them to dip in and out of your life, blow hot and cold, and get a shag, an ego stroke, and a shoulder to lean on.

They keep a foothold in your life. Mr Unavailable is so shady on the commitment front that even when you tell him to beat it, he can’t even let things be. He’s sniffing around, poking around in your business and basically lining you up to default back to you on lesser terms than you were on when you were originally involved with him.

They use ‘timing’ to manipulate you. It’s not the right time, they make out they’ll be better than they are ‘one’ day, and they blame poor timing so that they can avoid having difficult conversations with you. Let me be clear – it is never going to be the right time for a committed relationship.

They’re seeking unattainable perfection. What easier way to let yourself off the hook by having unrealistic expectations. Mr Unavailables tell themselves that they just haven’t met the right woman yet and just like when we as women, have unrealistic expectations that we place on partners that don’t get met, men do too. They’re committed to an illusion. The cheeky gits will even test you out, chase you about sleeping with them and then mark you down when you.

They only thinks of themselves and do things on their terms. Committed relationships require two people with both of their feet in working together for the greater good of the relationship with mutual love, care, trust, and respect. There is only room for him, his ego, his needs and wants – he cannot empathise and you need empathy in a committed relationship.

Mr Unavailable is afraid of committing to you but also afraid of not committing to you in equal measures.

This means that he gives himself license to have his cake and eat it too. He has danced this dance many times – same problems, different woman and he has become skilled at ducking out when things get too intense and he’s also got very skilled at saying and doing what’s needed in times of tension and then quietly and passive aggressively backing out on whatever he has promised. Some are upfront about their lack of commitment and others just have not connected the dots of their behaviour and seen how commitment resistant it is.

He gave you the reasons why he can't have a real relationship with you because you brought things to a head. He could have done that months ago if he really wanted to pursue something with you. Instead he gave you excuses which will hold you at arms length and you are now in a bind where you can't expect any more from him than the crumbs he is offering.

He took what was on offer, I don't see wine and roses here.
If this ' I'll pop round when I have time, noone must know though though, but I do really like you' kind of scenario is ok with you OP, I wish you the best but I fear you'll end up hurt.

My last proper relationship with was a Mr Unavailable.

It might be that Tinks also has commitment issues, which is why she's so attracted to this man. People with fear of commitment are VERY attracted to similar people. In this situation, Tinks is just assuming the "passive" commitmentphobe while HeadFuck assumes the "active".

Tinks, were your previous relationships with people who wanted to commit to you and got frustrated when you wouldn't? Have you been engaged more times than married? Do you get scared easily when people get too keen on you and start making demands on your time?

I asked my DP about this situation and he was very blunt. "He doesn't want to be seen out with her but he's happy to get his tip wet."

But anyway, looks like Tinks has left the building. We won't hear a bad word about this guy until 6 months down the line, when she name changes to vent her frustrations about how casually he's treating her.

To be honest though, it's HARD to take online advice from strangers when every bone in your body (and one bone in his..) wants to believe the opposite. Plus Tinks' RL friends are no doubt telling her sweet stuff like "of course he likes you!" etc.

Do we expect Tinks to take our words for this man?! Nope.

He's just a classic player, trying to kid himself and everyone else he is a nice guy by warning you in advance he won't commit.

I've met two men like that (before I married DH of course). Both extremely puzzling and total time wasters. I've been through the "Aw, he's shy" thing. Its not true. Neither have girlfriends years later. They might be gay. They might also be having one night stands - certainly they're on every dating website going and spend most of their time messaging different women all over the world and then getting free holidays when they visit them.

Odd way to live your life.

One in particular would do this thing of sitting next to me in meetings, grabbing whatever object I had brought in with me - a mug, a paper cup, a pen, a flash drive, and running his fingers up and down it, then putting it in his mouth or caressing it I abandoned the mug, the paper cup and the pen but when it came to my precious flash drive I barked out in the middle of the meeting "put that down" and everyone jumped. He later got sacked, no-one knows why.

Whats - that's exactly what happened to my neighbour - he was happy to see her but really he was shagging her (F Buddy?) but he didn't want to be seen out with her at all or know that anyone knew they were in a relationship. He kept using the excuse of the school knowing and his DD being upset if they went public (she would have been happy i think!). Of course this woman (my neighbour) it was her first relationship since separating a few years before from her DH so I don't think she knew how r'ships worked anymore and I think FWB wasn't as common back then (she's in her mid 40s).

This man was cheating on my neighbour at same time too - his friend told her a male friend.

but yes it seems as if OP has gone off into the sunset.

I totally agree re when internet strangers diss your relationship online and you want to believe the man who seems to be the knight in shining armour, been there done it got the tshirt!

Still waiting for an update from OP... However she was agonising over whether he liked her or not and she has found out and had a good evening by the sounds of it. So question #1 answered. As to the sustainability (or reality) of the relationship, that's question #2. I am happy that she has resolved the first one and without knowing either of them hope they sort it out and she doesn't get hurt. So tinks what's going on??

"The more I think about this situation, the more I'm reminded of the brilliant Friends episode..."

Thanks for clip; Phoebe is/was the best woman in Friends.