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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Confused - if he's not interested why does he act it?

189 replies

tinks4 · 11/12/2014 15:39

I have posted before about a male friend of mine. I really like him and I wasn’t sure if he liked me or not. He seemed to like me – flirty with me, suggestive comments, made excuses to come and see me, tactile and stands really close to me etc., but he hadn’t made a move on me so I wasn’t sure. Anyway after a while I think he did make a pass at me, but it was a bit clumsy and took me by surprise and I ended up taking it as him joking about. It didn’t register with me until afterwards that he probably made a pass at me.

Fast forward a good few months and I am still mightily confused! He’s still exactly the same with me and I’ve been a lot more flirty with him so he can’t be in any doubt now that I like him. A couple of months ago we were having a bit of banter about him taking me to bed. He was joking about whether my neighbours might hear and I said ‘I’d be noisy would I?’ He said ‘I don’t know’ followed by a pause and then ‘yet!’ We then looked at each and smiled. Sort of a well that’s going to happen at some point then look. The conversation continued with a bit more banter along those lines and I got a slap on the bum and a cheeky grin when he left. I was walking on air for a bit thinking he does like me and we’re going to get together at some point.

That was two months and still nothing has happened. He came round last week and we were sitting together extremely closely on my sofa. We were talking about alcohol and he remarked that it makes him ‘rampant’. He elaborated and said that it’s like an aphrodisiac for him. My sense of humour being like it is I said ‘oh do you fancy a drink’. He said no, the conversation continued along those lines and I said ‘are you sure you don’t want a drink, I’ve got a bottle of wine in the fridge’. He said ‘I’m tempted’ but declined. Not sure if the conversation was about the wine or not. We continued chatting and he said something suggestive to me, I can’t remember what it was, and I said ‘you shouldn’t say things like that, you’ve already got me wound up’. He clarified if I meant wound up or excited, I said excited. The sexual tension between us was obvious, but nothing happened.

He did take a call from a man who he was supposed to have rung that evening and he said he would ring him when he got back, so I did wonder if that may have been the reason. But, the man rang him soon after he was round mine and he was at mine for about an hour and a half so I don’t think it was that. He could also have said I can’t tonight, but another time or something.

So I’m thinking that for whatever reason he’s not interested in developing things any further between us and wants to stay just friends. But when he was about to leave he asked me what my shower pressure was like (that’s not a weird question coming from him). I showed him and he said ‘I’ll enjoy having a shower in there’. Then when I was showing him out he said to text him when I’d got the stuff done that we’d been looking at that evening and he’d come round and pick it up. I said fine and he said in an extremely sexual way that he has ‘make sure you’re ready’.

I was outside with him a few days after that, at the weekend, and he put his hands on the tops of my arms/shoulder area and moved me right to him. He then pointed out there was a dove in the tree. He could have just said there’s a dove in the tree, it just came over as a reason to get physically close to me. He then said that the tree still had leaves on it so he would be camouflaged if he was naked in the tree watching me. He didn’t mean that in a pervy way, it’s just his sense of humour.

So basically I am totally confused. He had a perfect chance last week with me and declined so I thought he doesn’t want to. So why is he still making comments and acting for all the world like he is interested. He’s not shy at all, he definitely knows I like him. I don’t know if he just likes the banter/attention, doesn’t want a relationship, just playing me.

I suppose what I am asking is if he’s not interested then why he is acting interested in every other way? Any thoughts would be appreciated as it’s doing my head in now.

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 11/12/2014 19:00

Oh just ask him the question!

Quitelikely · 11/12/2014 19:00

You text back and say I was only joking!

Quitelikely · 11/12/2014 19:01

Pleasseeeeee

Quitelikely · 11/12/2014 19:02

Some guys are just so dim they can't read the signals.

Or text saying:

Would you like to take me on a date?

If it's a no say 'oops wrong person'

MadeMan · 11/12/2014 19:08

"but if he says no, what do I do then? I don't want to mess up what we do have."

All you have at the moment is pent up sexual tension and you'll be climbing the walls with your teeth if you're not careful. People go on dates to try to get to the stage that you two seem to be at. No need for asking each other out or talking about feelings; one of you just kiss the other when you're sitting on the settee being flirty. Smile

tinks4 · 11/12/2014 19:20

MorrisZapp it's normally how it's been for me before too!! I thought that he would have taken the opportunity last week if he was interested. When he didn't I thought then that I had got it wrong, but I don't know why he's continued to be suggestive to me since then.

DoIknowitschristmas it wasn't all innuendoes, but yes if he didn't make a pass then I don't know when he would. It might me that he's all talk. I do have banter with men that I'm not interested in, but I will only take it so far if I'm not interested as I don't think it's fair to lead anyone on. This has gone way beyond what I would call banter.

MadeMan I wish it would happen! I can't work out if he's not interested in taking things further or if he wants to but is scared to make a move after last time. A snog would be lovely swoon

NorthLDNgal he's definitely unattached. He's divorced with a teenage daughter, known him for ages. He might just like the banter, it's quite amusing. He's never come across as insecure. I do enjoy it as it is, I'm just confused as to why it's not gone further, it's just occupying a bit too much headspace. I feel like a bloody teenager again!!

OP posts:
holdyourown · 11/12/2014 19:39

my suggestion is: text him and say 'lets go out for christmas drinks on X' then go out with him, both have a few drinks > snog> job done Xmas Wink

MadeMan · 11/12/2014 19:52

Usually when people ask questions about whether somebody could be interested in them, it's because there's someone they like the look of at the bus stop who occasionally smiles at them in the morning. This guy is sitting on your settee eating all your crisps (probably) and asking you what you'd do if he stuck his tongue in your mouth. Then, seeing that you're not running for the police, why is he faffing about? He should be actually sticking his tongue in your mouth.

I can never understand it when come on signs are this blatantly obvious. Grin

I still think you should try and kiss him and if he backs off for some stupid reason then he's a complete weirdo tosspot who just likes to muck about for his own giggles.

LooksLikeRainDear · 11/12/2014 19:56

All sexytalk no suggestions to do things together..

eddielizzard · 11/12/2014 20:11

all talk and no action.

i'd say this next time he starts the flirty crap.

beaglesaresweet · 11/12/2014 20:28

or you could say, following from his shower comment, 'so when are you coming over to enjoy that shower' - you need to take action, OP, he might be waiting for a physical move from you after you joked off his pass (though he does sound insecure if it affected him that much).
He could be just weird, but if you know him as a friend, you'd noticed the weirdeness earlier!

intlmanofmystery · 11/12/2014 20:58

Apologies but this is hilarious! There are two likely possibilities: (i) he is just flirting madly as he enjoys the chase but wants no more or (ii) he is actually scared of making "the move" out of fear of rejection. You would be amazed at how careful we blokes have to be these days to avoid causing offence or being accused of something. And other posters are correct, we are crap at picking up signals and do not appreciate the effect flirting can have on others (sorry)! So, for what its worth, be blatant - ask him out, place your hand on his thigh, kiss him when the opportunity arises. At least this way he knows he won't get a slap on the face for being "inappropriate". Sounds like he's looking for a green light, so give it to him!

tinks4 · 11/12/2014 21:00

scarletforya I don't think he's deliberately stringing me along. It could be a relationship just doesn't suit him right now, but he does like me. He might be as confused as me!! I don't think I've remotely begged him and I would be surprised if it's come over that way to him. I tend to make light hearted comments that could be taken in several ways and it's up to the other person how they take it, such as the 'do you fancy a drink' comment.

VitalStollenFix it is the straightforward thing to do isn't it? It's just a bit scary, I don't want to mess our friendship up and I would really rather he initiated anything. I could do without trying to work out what's going on a lot of the time, yeah.

MadeMan I'd be so mortified if I went to kiss him and he pulled away though. I wish he'd just tried to kiss me rather than asking me before, it would have been so much bloody easier!!

HanselandGretel My self esteem is fine. It made my day because I like him a lot and our conversation that day and everything else that he did told me that he liked me and I thought it was only a matter of time before something happened between us. I know I should talk to him, it's just biting the bullet and actually doing it.

I don't think he's got difficulties getting it up, based on some things he has said, but he has said a couple of times that he's small so that could be concerning him. But he's also said that it's not what you've got, but what you do with it so he didn't seem to be lacking confidence in himself.

Jackiebrambles he's definitely not got a girlfriend. He hasn't had one for a long time.

HanselandGretel men are funny sometimes. Why suggest things he can't do?! A year!!! hell no, I thought 5 months was stringing it out! I bet he avoided your gaze!

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 11/12/2014 21:21

For whatever reason, this man doesn't actually want to have sex with you. Maybe he has a needledick, maybe he's secretly gay (and so far in the closet he's backed up against Aslan), maybe he's asexual. It's possible that he is enjoying the fact that your gusset is practically on fire every time he sees you and wants to find out just how far he can push you.
But whatever the explanation, I don't think there's a lot of benefit to you in this set up.

tinks4 · 11/12/2014 21:21

Quitelikely thanks there's a couple of good suggestions there that I could bat off as a joke if I needed to. I might pluck up the courage to try that. I'm hoping that he's not been sure enough about my signals and that's why it's not gone anywhere.

MadeMan there is a lot of pent up sexual tension! We seem to have gradually progressed it, but it's just not getting onto the next stage. We do get on really well and we've got the same sense of humour just as well really As long as it's him that moves in for the kiss that's fine!

holdyourown he doesn't really go out for drinks and that, but it wouldn't be too forward too suggest a Christmas drink, perfectly normal. He's got to come round sometime soon to pick something up so I might suggest that then. Thank you!

MadeMan I know he should! We were outdoors when he made that comment rather than sat closely on the sofa, but I still can't work out why he is faffing about. I think that's why I am that confused because it seems very blatant that we like each.

He's just a normal bloke, works too much rather than going out, but just normal with a silly sense of humour bit like me.

LooksLikeRainDear I know it's been mainly sexual talk from him, but we do spend quality time together too.

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 11/12/2014 21:49

Have you still not sent that text Tinks Smile come on!

GoatsDoRoam · 12/12/2014 09:54

You're not moving forward forward, tinks.

You're obsessing over him.
He's not making a move.
You're not making a move.

All of this is bad for you. So either stop obsessing and get over him, or accept that he's not making a move because he doesn't want to make a move and never will, for whatever reason (he's had enough opportunity, come on!), or make a move yourself.

But if you stay stuck in the pattern of obsession + no action, you will just be wasting your time and your energy on a big fat nothing.

These kinds of fantasies are very destructive to our emotional well-being, since they have no outlet in reality. In your mind, you have a very intense relationship with this man. But look at the facts: there is nothing there. No dates. No honest effort to take a step towards being with you. Without these, it will just make you unhappy to hold on to your intense feelings. At least try to make it real (= ask him out), for your own sanity. Or let go the obsession.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 12/12/2014 14:48

Did you post about thus bloke in the summer and we all told you to have him round for dinner..? Apologies if that was someone else!

I don't think you should make the first move. He'll do it if he wants to.

CheersMedea · 12/12/2014 17:47

I think he's messing you around and you should take a step waaaay back.
Just stop and think about it here:

  1. He is prepared to slap you on the bum. He is not shy.
  2. You have made it pretty clear you like him. He knows that.
  3. He has been sitting with you on a sofa in your home but made no move. Now why do you think that was? He's not interested.

A good female friend of mine went through something similar a couple of years ago. She was super into this guy who was calling her like 10 times a day, flirting, telling her he wanted to take her to bed and what he wanted to do to her. I used to have conversations with her like yours above - round and round. I told her that he was engaging in emotional masturbation, he was just getting off on the power of knowing she liked him and having someone to flirt with. Eventually, she bit the bullet and basically went for it. He completely rejected her. It was totally awful and she was devastated. He actually said to her "I'm sorry if I lead you on" WTF!!!!

(And the killer punch to this story was he was married but she didn't find out til about a year after this sorry tale. )

But frankly, to me, it was pretty damn obvious this man was never going to make a move. I think you are in exactly the same position. Back off or you will probably get very hurt.

tinks4 · 12/12/2014 17:58

eddielizzard that's a good one, I will say that to him next time the conversation goes that way. Thanks.

beaglesaresweet I might jokingly say that to him if I'm feeling brave. I know I need to take action, it's gone on long enough that I'd probably like to know one way or another as long as it doesn't ruin our friendship. I think if I was in his shoes I would feel hesitant about making another move after last time unless I was really certain that something had changed. He's not weird, just confusing!

intlmanofmystery that's okay, it is quite comical at time and does make me laugh. I'd just like to know if he's got any intentions towards me or whether he just likes the banter.

It's good to hear a bloke's point of view. When we were on the sofa last week, I was sitting there thinking I wish you would just kiss me, but I expected him to make that move. It did make me think how hard it must be for a bloke that they tend to be expected to be the one who starts something. I hope he knows me well enough to know that he wouldn't get a slap in the face. He's had hints and jokey innuendo really, rather than a green light. What would it take for you to realise that a woman was interested that wasn't too blatant from the woman's point of view in case it was a no. Thanks.

OP posts:
tinks4 · 12/12/2014 18:17

SolidGoldBrass I don't know what he wants or not. He's absolutely not gay or asexual, I have no doubt whatsoever about that. I don't think he's deliberately teasing me to see what I do. It's just occupying a lot of thinking time wondering what he is thinking. I enjoy seeing him, we do have a giggle and I enjoy his company, he's fun, interesting, good to talk to. So I don't want to not see him, I'd just like to know if he wants to take things further or not. But, I'd like that to come from him as I don't want him to stop flirting with me and joking around and I think it might if I asked him out and he said no.

Quitelikely no not yet!! Got works Christmas do tomorrow and not sure I'll feel that great Sunday so will text him possibly on Monday and see if he fancies a Christmas drink in the week or something.

GoatsDoRoam I think I should probably bring it to a head one way or the other. I just don't want it to mess things up between us. I'll see what response I get by suggesting a Christmas drink. If I can do it in a way that isn't too obvious then hopefully it won't mess it up if it is a no. It's not the seeing him that's the problem, it's not knowing his intentions.

OP posts:
tinks4 · 12/12/2014 18:28

WhatsGoingOnEh I did post in the summer about him, but I don't think it was the thread that you are thinking of, I seem to remember that one myself. I got comments about him trimming my bush!! (he was helping me out with some gardening).

I tend to think if he wanted to make a move he would (at some point!!). I should possibly give him a nudge, so I'm hoping the drink idea might give him one!!

CheersMedea I don't think he's deliberately messing me about, it could be though that he doesn't want to take it any further for whatever reason. I know he's not shy and I think he would have to be quite slow to have not worked out that I like him and he's not slow. The sofa thing told me he wasn't interested, but then he followed that up with more comments. I would have thought he would have backed off at that point if he wasn't interested so I don't know.

Sorry about your friend, it's probably why I'm reluctant to ask him outright. I know he's definitely not married. I do worry I will get hurt, because I like him a hell of a lot and I know it will upset me if he does say I'm not interested.

OP posts:
MadeMan · 12/12/2014 18:31

From the way you describe how you act around each other Tinks (especially on the sofa), I think the two of you are showing an incredible amount of self control if you're both seriously interested in each other sexually.

I would find it extremely difficult to keep my hands off a woman that I was messing about with on a regular basis on a settee.

lavenderhoney · 12/12/2014 19:08

I don't understand really- how can he sit on your sofa and flirt, then does he jump up and say " right! Night then" and leave? Don't you get a hug? Maybe your lights are v bright, do you have a dimmer switch?:)

It all sounds very tedious, and by now I would have lost my patience and said " are you going to kiss me or what is going on here?"

What is the significance of a man ringing him? Was he meeting him after you? Perhaps next time he wants to come over for a sit on your sofa you say " can't- im going on a date. Pity it's not you, though"

You both can talk about anything except the fact you both flirt and aren't doing anything about it. Are you alone with him?

Jupiters2ndMoon · 12/12/2014 19:34

Just get some mistletoe! Totally legitimate way to get a snog this time of year and it will tell you all you need to know.

Good luck!

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