Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Confused - if he's not interested why does he act it?

189 replies

tinks4 · 11/12/2014 15:39

I have posted before about a male friend of mine. I really like him and I wasn’t sure if he liked me or not. He seemed to like me – flirty with me, suggestive comments, made excuses to come and see me, tactile and stands really close to me etc., but he hadn’t made a move on me so I wasn’t sure. Anyway after a while I think he did make a pass at me, but it was a bit clumsy and took me by surprise and I ended up taking it as him joking about. It didn’t register with me until afterwards that he probably made a pass at me.

Fast forward a good few months and I am still mightily confused! He’s still exactly the same with me and I’ve been a lot more flirty with him so he can’t be in any doubt now that I like him. A couple of months ago we were having a bit of banter about him taking me to bed. He was joking about whether my neighbours might hear and I said ‘I’d be noisy would I?’ He said ‘I don’t know’ followed by a pause and then ‘yet!’ We then looked at each and smiled. Sort of a well that’s going to happen at some point then look. The conversation continued with a bit more banter along those lines and I got a slap on the bum and a cheeky grin when he left. I was walking on air for a bit thinking he does like me and we’re going to get together at some point.

That was two months and still nothing has happened. He came round last week and we were sitting together extremely closely on my sofa. We were talking about alcohol and he remarked that it makes him ‘rampant’. He elaborated and said that it’s like an aphrodisiac for him. My sense of humour being like it is I said ‘oh do you fancy a drink’. He said no, the conversation continued along those lines and I said ‘are you sure you don’t want a drink, I’ve got a bottle of wine in the fridge’. He said ‘I’m tempted’ but declined. Not sure if the conversation was about the wine or not. We continued chatting and he said something suggestive to me, I can’t remember what it was, and I said ‘you shouldn’t say things like that, you’ve already got me wound up’. He clarified if I meant wound up or excited, I said excited. The sexual tension between us was obvious, but nothing happened.

He did take a call from a man who he was supposed to have rung that evening and he said he would ring him when he got back, so I did wonder if that may have been the reason. But, the man rang him soon after he was round mine and he was at mine for about an hour and a half so I don’t think it was that. He could also have said I can’t tonight, but another time or something.

So I’m thinking that for whatever reason he’s not interested in developing things any further between us and wants to stay just friends. But when he was about to leave he asked me what my shower pressure was like (that’s not a weird question coming from him). I showed him and he said ‘I’ll enjoy having a shower in there’. Then when I was showing him out he said to text him when I’d got the stuff done that we’d been looking at that evening and he’d come round and pick it up. I said fine and he said in an extremely sexual way that he has ‘make sure you’re ready’.

I was outside with him a few days after that, at the weekend, and he put his hands on the tops of my arms/shoulder area and moved me right to him. He then pointed out there was a dove in the tree. He could have just said there’s a dove in the tree, it just came over as a reason to get physically close to me. He then said that the tree still had leaves on it so he would be camouflaged if he was naked in the tree watching me. He didn’t mean that in a pervy way, it’s just his sense of humour.

So basically I am totally confused. He had a perfect chance last week with me and declined so I thought he doesn’t want to. So why is he still making comments and acting for all the world like he is interested. He’s not shy at all, he definitely knows I like him. I don’t know if he just likes the banter/attention, doesn’t want a relationship, just playing me.

I suppose what I am asking is if he’s not interested then why he is acting interested in every other way? Any thoughts would be appreciated as it’s doing my head in now.

OP posts:
HanselandGretel · 14/12/2014 14:05

Good luck this evening Tinks, you owe yourself some answers either way. I get you'd like to see him a couple of times a week, have meals, intimacy etc - all normal and reasonable and if this is something he can't / won't / doesn't want to do best you find out now once and for all.

Malabrigo · 14/12/2014 14:15

You are making yourself waaaay too available. Sitting next to him in a towel for an hour? Weren't you cold?!

I had one of these at work a while back. Made a tit of myself because it turned out that he wasn't interested and was just getting a big ego boost from all my flirting. I should have spotted the signs of him failing to put his money where his mouth was a lot earlier, and backed off. 'All talk and no action' as someone up thread said.

Save yourself the drama and back off. Next time he calls round unexpectedly tell him you're busy. If he wants to see you he can ask you out properly, see if he does.

tinks4 · 14/12/2014 15:39

Fiftyplusmum strange is the right word. I don't think he's got ED issues but there could well be other reasons for him holding back.

eddielizzard he really isn't gay. I totally agree with you that if I don't get anywhere today then I am never going to get anywhere with him.

Fiftyplusmum I am certain he is not gay, I guess you could like the mental banter of flirting but it's more than that with him.

beaglesaresweet I hadn't thought of that. I would be surprised but I guess you never know. He is definitely holding back and I never thought he was shy. He wasn't supposed to be round for an hour as I was going out so it is possible he didn't think there was time. We just got chatting and then it was shit I'm getting a lift in quarter of an hour and I'm still in a towel! Never had a hug of him. Don't think it is either of the reasons you suggest but I will make sure that I find out later what the reason is.

MadeMan I was actually just finishing drying my hair when he came round. So it was mainly dry and and not brushed properly!! Everything about him says that he wants to apart from the important bit of it not happening!!

holdyourown no I won't settle for crumbs thanks. I would put my mortgage on him not being gay with no hesitation at all. He's too obviously visual with me sometimes, you see him looking at you, I'm sure he thinks he us subtle! The man who rang him works for him he had paperwork he had at home that he needed to go through with him which is why it wasn't much point him continuing the conversation with him round mine.

beaglesaresweet I don't think either of us were expecting him to be round mine that long last night. He knew I was going out fairly soon. I don't know what he is going to say later, but at least I will know what the state of play is. So am I!! Thanks.

InfinitySeven I don't know, I will find out later I suppose. I don't want favours from him, I could see one of my exes if I just needed a shag. I hadn't thought that he might think that I just enjoy our banter and don't want it to be any more neither. Thanks for the warning I will see how our conversation goes later.

OP posts:
WhatsGoingOnEh · 14/12/2014 15:41

I wish you could see this situation from the outside, like we can. Sitting in your towel for an HOUR trying to be seductive Hmm. And then telling him he can come round tomorrow for you to flash your bits at him but he's "not obliged" to have sex with you or anything...

?! I know you see yourself as a fussy woman with standards, but in this particular situation you're actually behaving very much like a desperate woman who isn't above begging for sex. From anyone. HE won't know how "fussy" you are - all he can see is that you're perfectly willing to offer up no-strings shags and sit around almost naked in your towel with anyone, even if you're not dating them. Maybe he's the truly fussy one, and he'd rather go out with someone with a bit more class? He can only know you from the behaviour you show him.

How would you feel if he told all his friends about you lounging round in a towel, and showed them your texts? That's a very real possibility. He could be in stitches regaling all this.

If you like him as much as you say, start acting like someone he'd want to go out with.

tinks4 · 14/12/2014 15:41

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe I think we both feel comfortable with each other. If he started talking about us whether it be he likes me or not I would feel quite comfortable talking to him about all of this, it's just bringing the subject up that is the hard bit. Thanks I hope so too! What do you feel he says that is 'scripted'? Thanks a lot, I will kick myself if I pass up this chance to get a straight answer so I will make sure I do, I just hope it's the answer I want.

HanselandGretel thanks for the good luck! I do need answers. I hope I like them!

Malabrigo the fire was on! If I don't get the answers I want later, then I will back off. Thanks.

OP posts:
beaglesaresweet · 14/12/2014 16:00

ouch, Whats! OP has only started doing this after months of flirting with him (initiated by him) and before that she knew him and didn't even flirt - it must have been nearly a year since they ve met, so he's not exactly anyone random. She's never made a pass either, it's all been a response to his flirting and chatting.

tinks4 · 14/12/2014 16:08

I have texted him back and asked when he would like to come round.

OP posts:
tinks4 · 14/12/2014 16:27

WhatsGoingOnEh I didn't know he was going to be round mine for anywhere near an hour and I wasn't trying to be seductive. I haven't invited him round to flash my bits at him. There was jokey banter about it but there's no chance of me stripping off while he watches or anything like that.

I am not begging for sex at all, I could easily get sex elsewhere if I wanted to. He does know I am fussy we have had that conversation. I haven't offered him anything. He knows me well enough to know that I wouldn't have invited most people in when I was just in a towel.

He is not just anyone. He is a good friend who I have a close relationship with that has felt for the last few months that is has a pre actual relationship feel to it. He came to support me at my mum's funeral, he is not some random bloke.

I don't think he would show his friends our texts or joke about me in that way. I would hope that he would have more respect for me than to do that.

beaglesaresweet thank you for the support. I have actually been friendly with him for five years although we have only got close since the summer. Thanks.

OP posts:
BlairWaldorfHeadBand · 14/12/2014 16:35

Has he replied?

I actually think he does like you but he is too shy to make a move, or doesn't want to ruin your friendship, which me to me says he values your feelings.
Maybe when you see him you can put all joking aside and actually go for a kiss? Even just a kiss hello? Wear something nice, have wine etc. Good luck!

AlpacaYourThings · 14/12/2014 16:55

OP, I hope for your sake he is interested in you.

It doesn't sound like he is too interested though. I just think he is being a bit of a tease.

LividofLondon · 14/12/2014 17:15

Tinks has he ever told you that he thinks you're gorgeous/pretty or finds you attractive? If he's complimented you in a specific way that suggests he fancies YOU rather than just flirting with what could be any woman (and there are some awful flirts out there who are full-on even with women they wouldn't touch with a barge pole!), then maybe it's worth pursuing. My gut feeling though is that he likes you as a mate, likes you massaging his ego, but that's it. I'm pissed off with him just reading your posts to be honest, but then I hate mind-fuckers.

tinks4 · 14/12/2014 17:23

BlairWaldorfHeadBand he's replied with 'well tonight's good for me'. He's coming round about eight. Thank you I hope you are right. I will be happy if I get a kiss. I have a nice dress which I am going to wear. I am getting nervous now it's actually arranged. Thank you.

AlpacaYourThings I do think he likes me but that doesn't necessarily mean he is interested in seeing me. I have no idea what is in his head in terms of tonight.

OP posts:
MummyBeerest · 14/12/2014 17:24

I am not sure as to whether he's interested or not...I never can guess in real life either.

But if he's this ridiculous and you're not even dating. ..

IsabeauMichelle · 14/12/2014 17:47

Oooh, exciting. Good luck!

I wasn't bothered in the end, btw, he messed me about too much. And this was back in 1992, so I'm waaay 2 marriages over it Grin

OttiliaVonBCup · 14/12/2014 17:52
Confused

You sat around in a towel and he only made small talk?

No.
Never going to happen.

alphabook · 14/12/2014 17:54

This sounds like way too much hard work. If he's playing these many games now, imagine what he'd be like if you did start dating.

He's just not that in to you. I truly believe if he was he would have made a move by now.

sykadelic · 14/12/2014 18:11

What's the plan once he's there? Are you going to have mistletoe hanging and see where that leads? Are you going to be direct and say "We've danced around the subject a bit but thought it was about time I asked, do you fancy going out on a date?"

Reason i ask his, based on your sexual banter you've essentially invited him around for sex, so if a relationship is what you're after then I think you need to make that clear... you're close to FWB and it sounds from your posts that you definitely want more from this.

Brodicea · 14/12/2014 18:16

Sorry OP this sounds really familiar, I had a similar situation with a guy - flirting, asking me over, giving me signals, but no moves. After months of this, I asked him to come to a wedding with me as my date - no response, then two days later he texts 'I have a hot date tonight!'. I said 'oh well only single friends can be plus ones' (desperate to save face). I was crushed and confused.

Found out a couple of years later that he had been doing the same with someone I would later become good friends with. Basically he had three of us 'just good female friends' on the boil and kept his options open long enough to chose one. Beware!

I hope it works out though, but be careful.

Brodicea · 14/12/2014 18:17

It was worse for my friend though, he even slept in her bed but kept his clothes on!

Malabrigo · 14/12/2014 18:36

You've basically offered him sex on a plate and he's said 'yeah I'll think about it'.

All this sexual 'banter' is really demeaning for you. I know I got into a 'he's just not that into you' situation but it didn't involve innuendo like that! I'd be offended if a guy kept dragging me into those kinds of conversations, I'd feel that he didn't appreciate me as a person. Sorry, don't want to be rude, but I do think that after this evening you need to draw a line.

tinks4 · 14/12/2014 18:51

LividofLondon he has complimented me specifically. I don't have any doubt that he does at least fancy me even if it turns out he doesn't want to do anything about it. I have encountered plenty of men who will flirt with anyone and he's not one of those. He did start all the flirting, suggestive remarks. I hope I am not pissed off with him too after later!

MummyBeerest he's not ridiculous, maybe it's just me probably is but I find his humour and daft remarks funny. He is a really nice bloke.

IsabeauMichelle thank you. I am so nervous. Pleased you are okay.

OttiliaVonBCup he was very taken with me in the towel and he knew I had to go out so am hoping that was why he didn't make a move.

alphabook I don't know what he is doing but I don't think he has been playing games. I will find out soon. Help!!

OP posts:
eddielizzard · 14/12/2014 19:29

good luck. relax and enjoy. just be yourself.

tinks4 · 14/12/2014 19:39

Sykadelic* I don't have any mistletoe, that would have been a good idea. I will just see what happens because I genuinely have no idea what to expect. I will ask him what is going on between us if he doesn't mention it. Thank you for pointing that out. Even though I was joking around he could well have that impression. I would like more than that.

Brodicea sorry your friend was certainly keeping his options open. Thank you.

Malabrigo I am not intending to have sex with him tonight anyway, he may not want to anyway. I really don't mind the banter and innuendos. I find it amusing, I will draw a line tonight if nothing happens.

I am finally going to find out one way or the other what he thinks after all this time. I really don't know what is going to happen. I am so so nervous.

OP posts:
intlmanofmystery · 14/12/2014 19:50

Hi Tinks - sorry for the delay in reply, busy weekend etc. Couple of anecdotes that I hope are relevant. First, one lovely young lady and I flirted for a while and I thought nothing of it. However one day she just turned around and basically said "if you want something, just ask!". I had no idea she was that interested and, for me, that was the green light! It never went any further but it taught me a valuable lesson. I used it to great effect on my current P... Second, a friend of mine told me that the first time she and her future husband shared a bed they didn't have sex as he felt too much "respect" for her. I have never heard of this before, as being in bed together is usually a good signal (?!).

So it's not easy. People interpret different situations in different ways. So to answer your original question, how about this: deep breath, gulp of wine and "Look this is really awkward for me. I like you and I get the impression that you like me but I'm worried about damaging our friendship. Am I nuts to think that there might be something there?". At least this way if he says no (the bloody idiot) then hopefully your friendship will survive. If he says yes, well, hope you have fun!

Do let us know how it goes... x

MadeMan · 14/12/2014 20:02

"Basically he had three of us 'just good female friends' on the boil and kept his options open long enough to chose one."

Did he choose one of you three 'lucky' females in the end Brodicea, or did you all send him scampering away?

Swipe left for the next trending thread