Confused - if he's not interested why does he act it?

[tinks4]

I have posted before about a male friend of mine. I really like him and I wasn’t sure if he liked me or not. He seemed to like me – flirty with me, suggestive comments, made excuses to come and see me, tactile and stands really close to me etc., but he hadn’t made a move on me so I wasn’t sure. Anyway after a while I think he did make a pass at me, but it was a bit clumsy and took me by surprise and I ended up taking it as him joking about. It didn’t register with me until afterwards that he probably made a pass at me.

Fast forward a good few months and I am still mightily confused! He’s still exactly the same with me and I’ve been a lot more flirty with him so he can’t be in any doubt now that I like him. A couple of months ago we were having a bit of banter about him taking me to bed. He was joking about whether my neighbours might hear and I said ‘I’d be noisy would I?’ He said ‘I don’t know’ followed by a pause and then ‘yet!’ We then looked at each and smiled. Sort of a well that’s going to happen at some point then look. The conversation continued with a bit more banter along those lines and I got a slap on the bum and a cheeky grin when he left. I was walking on air for a bit thinking he does like me and we’re going to get together at some point.

That was two months and still nothing has happened. He came round last week and we were sitting together extremely closely on my sofa. We were talking about alcohol and he remarked that it makes him ‘rampant’. He elaborated and said that it’s like an aphrodisiac for him. My sense of humour being like it is I said ‘oh do you fancy a drink’. He said no, the conversation continued along those lines and I said ‘are you sure you don’t want a drink, I’ve got a bottle of wine in the fridge’. He said ‘I’m tempted’ but declined. Not sure if the conversation was about the wine or not. We continued chatting and he said something suggestive to me, I can’t remember what it was, and I said ‘you shouldn’t say things like that, you’ve already got me wound up’. He clarified if I meant wound up or excited, I said excited. The sexual tension between us was obvious, but nothing happened.

He did take a call from a man who he was supposed to have rung that evening and he said he would ring him when he got back, so I did wonder if that may have been the reason. But, the man rang him soon after he was round mine and he was at mine for about an hour and a half so I don’t think it was that. He could also have said I can’t tonight, but another time or something.

So I’m thinking that for whatever reason he’s not interested in developing things any further between us and wants to stay just friends. But when he was about to leave he asked me what my shower pressure was like (that’s not a weird question coming from him). I showed him and he said ‘I’ll enjoy having a shower in there’. Then when I was showing him out he said to text him when I’d got the stuff done that we’d been looking at that evening and he’d come round and pick it up. I said fine and he said in an extremely sexual way that he has ‘make sure you’re ready’.

I was outside with him a few days after that, at the weekend, and he put his hands on the tops of my arms/shoulder area and moved me right to him. He then pointed out there was a dove in the tree. He could have just said there’s a dove in the tree, it just came over as a reason to get physically close to me. He then said that the tree still had leaves on it so he would be camouflaged if he was naked in the tree watching me. He didn’t mean that in a pervy way, it’s just his sense of humour.

So basically I am totally confused. He had a perfect chance last week with me and declined so I thought he doesn’t want to. So why is he still making comments and acting for all the world like he is interested. He’s not shy at all, he definitely knows I like him. I don’t know if he just likes the banter/attention, doesn’t want a relationship, just playing me.

I suppose what I am asking is if he’s not interested then why he is acting interested in every other way? Any thoughts would be appreciated as it’s doing my head in now.

WhatsGoingOnEh most of his comments have been sexual. But the conversations have been jokey by and large and you can't really do you're lovely comments etc in a jokey way. I certainly don't throw my knickers off for any bloke who makes suggestive comments. I'm very fussy and it's rare for me to even like someone. I don't fancy online dating, I get on a lot better with people I know and I am useless at small talk so I don't really think it is for me.

We did see his brother one time and he introduced us and his brother said that he had heard a lot about me and I said something like oh no that's a bit worrying and his brother said not at all, it's all good things he's said about you. I agree that asking me out for a drink would be a lot easier.

MadeMan I tend to agree that if he was going to make a move he would have done so on the sofa last week. I don't think he's got any intentions towards my dresses!! I think we seem to be at that stage so I just don't get why he hasn't.

HanselandGretel but he seems to come round and see me about things that don't really necessitate seeing me. He doesn't live far, but he's frequently been round just to speak to me rather than just passing. I don't know why he is stalling, that is what I can't work out. He told me ages ago that he was single before all the flirting started between us. I have called round his unannounced day times, evenings, weekends and he has always been pleased to see me. I know a couple of friends of his and they have confirmed he is single. I asked him why he was single and he said that he didn't have time to see anyone. He doesn't really go out at all. He is self employed and works a hell of a lot including evenings and weekends. He sees his daughter most days as well. I know he doesn't have lots of free time, sort of an hour or two here and there.

Quitelikely no not yet! I will ask him for a drink in the next few days, but don't want to ruin my night out by asking him today.

bumpthedoor I did wonder if that might be one reason. But he didn't seem bothered by it and I did agree with him that it mattered more what you did with it than the size of it. I would hope he knows me well enough to know that I wouldn't laugh at him.

The two men I know of that have been very hesitant to move things on physically, were both on the very small side. They both appeared very confident, but obviously had issues.
I could be wrong but I think the fact that he really likes you is making him reluctant, why on earth would he tell you he was small if he didn't think you would ever find out? He's preparing you.

You say he said he was single as he doesn't have time to see anyone. I don't buy this, if he wanted to see someone he would make time. He makes time to see you, yet remains single. Ponder.

I've read all of your thread, tinks. You are indeed a poor woman. He isn't interested in anything other than flirting with you and delighting in the response he gets. I think there could be one of two reasons for this:

1. He was badly hurt in 'declaring' his love for somebody before; he never got to 'avenge' (not really the right word but you get the drift), so he is comfortably working out this previous 'thing' on you... and you are happily providing the salve that he craves.

or

1. He didn't start this flirting - you did - and he needs to keep up with it to keep you 'on side' as a friend. He feels that he can safely up the ante because you will not make the first move physically.

I firmly believe that when a man is seriously interested in taking things forward, they do. There's nothing left to doubt about that.

I read your posts as quite defensive really when somebody comes up with a suggestion or comment that makes you wince and then you rush to explain it away.

This isn't the man for you. What are your previous relationships like? Are you subconsciously trying to protect yourself from another one? It sounds like it to me... it's working perfectly too because this man isn't going to take you up on it and you know it, hence your fear of him rejecting you.

I really hope you will take this post in the spirit it's offered. I just can't post egging you on and telling you what you're desperate to hear.

You deserve a gorgeous, attentive and passionate man, tinks, you sound lovely. This 'friend' is blocking you from meeting him. I'm not saying you should ditch him but cut down on the times you see him and stop this flirting because it's making you feel like rubbish. I promise you, take control of this and stop handing it to him, you will feel a million times more confident.

Mr Tinks is out there, somewhere, sometime - he really is.

He's just not that in to you.

Or he has erectile dysfunction and when you do finally non-shag him it will be a damp squib.

OP, There is something wrong here, you were writing the same stuff about this man months ago. Next time you see him tell him you've decided to try online dating and have a date lined up for next week.
Of course it might be a better idea to actually do that and not waste any more time.

Whatever his problem is it must be getting a bit demoralising for you.

You need to take the bull by the horns and ask him out or outright tell him you like him.

I had a similar situation like this with a bloke - lots of flirting, lots of innuendo - I really, really wanted him! I kept up the flirting but in the end, I just asked him if he liked me because I was hitting my humiliation threshold with him. He didn't answer but things cooled after that.

Found out later he was a virgin and very uptight about it

Same as Snatchoo,years ago chased a bloke I really fancied and after lots of will we/wont we crap we did finally do the deed - turns out he was a virgin until then and anything to do with the actual act of sex made his so uncomfortable and uptight.(didnt help that he also had a very small penis). We dated for a few months but the sex was abysmal and he showed no willingness to learn so I ended it.

There really could be a multitude of reasons as to why it hasn't happened.

No one here knows.

He does.

ASK.HIM.

I had one of these for a couple of years. He was my best friend and I was in love with him, but he acted like my lover, everyone thought we were a couple.

He even used to stay in my room overnight regularly. The sexual tension was just intense.

We ended up starting to do it, but he stopped it and told me he was gay. And that if he couldn't do it with me, he couldn't do it with any woman. I was devastated.

He's been married for a good few years now, to a woman

I've bitten the bullet, he's coming round at some point (we haven't arranged that yet) and from the conversation I will at least know where I stand when he does come round.

I was getting ready to go out last night, not long out the bath and only wearing a towel when my doorbell went. I peered round the door and it was him. He said 'sorry, I forgot you were going out'. I asked him what he had come round for and he said he had come round to pick something up that I had for him. I said come in for a minute which he did. He had a big grin on his face and I said 'what?' He said 'you in that towel'. I said I would put some clothes on. He 'no, don't you are fine as you are'. We ended up on my sofa chatting for over an hour. He said 'It's a pity you are going out as I could sit next to you all night'. I had lots of similar comments from him.

Anyway he had to go as I was going out. There were a few jokey comments in the hall from both of us about me dropping my towel (I didn't) and other things along those lines.

A couple of minutes after he had left he texted me. He said he would have liked to have seen what was under the towel. I bit the bullet and texted back 'come round tomorrow and I might show you!!!' He texted back 'I would love to but am I allowed to just look'. WTF does that mean! I thought he would take it as a jokey suggestion if he didn't want to or say he couldn't.

So I'm thinking he doesn't want to get into anything with me. I replied with 'anything other than looking is your call not mine. You are not obliged to do anything'. So then (I think) he contradicts himself by replying with 'so that leaves the options wide open then (no pun intended!!) but looking is good I would enjoy that and depending on the show I may be able assist in some way!!!!'. I was out by then and didn't hear my phone so didn't see his text until later so I haven't replied yet. To clarify the show was a jokey conversation we had earlier about me wearing lacy underwear and a nice dress etc. When he does come round it's not going to be a case of me just letting him look at what I've got.

So has he got intentions towards me when he comes round because right now I don't have a clue what's going to happen or not. He just wants to look, I say you don't have to do anything so he said that leaves the options open and he may be able to assist. Assist with what??? Taking my shoes off!!!

Help! What's going on?

Sorry Tinks but I cringed reading that. Do you just want sex or a relationship with this man? I thought you were going to have a chat with him about 'what this is' sort of thing. Now you've made it, albeit in a jokey way, just about getting down to it with each other. Why sit in a towel for an hour with this guy? Again, you are making yourself so available and he doesn't really sound like he is in the market for a proper relationship with you or even some casual sex. Why not have just said 'I'm going out, will catch you another time'? and saved your dignity. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with chatting in a towel but in the context of the months of frustration and confusion with this very same guy I think it was unwise as you've laid yourself open to rejection.

And his answer says a lot really, he wants to just look to me would read like he doesn't really and truly want anything physical but you've forced his hand. His reply also tallies with his ongoing innuendo and jokey ridden non committal stance, he would be happy for that to carry on ad infinitum imo.

This is strange. Maybe there's some reason he can't have sex. Either physical or psychological.

i had a friend who was secretly gay but he used to love getting girls to fall in love with him. then he'd tell everyone about how so and so had a crush on him. but he was gay, and came out soon after.

i'm not saying this guy is gay, but if you end today not having got anywhere, then seriously, it's never going to go anywhere and i'd quit the flirting crap.

If he was gay why would he waste so much time flirting with a woman?

maybe he is a cross-dresser, what with 'assisting' depending on the lacey underwear show.

But it's been obvious now from reading all your posts, OP, that he is deliberately not making a move, whatever the reason is. Not because he's just shy. Heck, sitting next to you wrapped IN A TOWEL on the sofa for an HOUR and he could happily hold back?? and he sat next to you about 5 times like that, and he doesn't give you hugs even! when I read that it was more than once of htese cosy sits on the sofa, it was obviously something is dodgy.
Either he's got ED, or he's not single (yet likes perving on you). I don't think he's gay, that's just too much time he's spending on you.

Make sure you ask him tonight once and for all what's up with his 'watching' you.

Fifty, cross-post!

WhatsGoingOnEh probably not quite so relevant now! but I didn't mind asking him out for a Christmas drink, but I wasn't going to ask him out on a proper date. I would much rather that he asked. My problem is I am a fussy and it's rare that I am attracted to someone like this.

bumpthedoor could be being small is a problem for him then. I tended to think that as he didn't seem bothered it wasn't an issue for him. I don't know why he has mentioned it, it's not exactly something that crops up in conversation, even for us! Thanks.

HanselandGretel we don't see each other that often. Maybe three times a month for half an hour to a couple of hours and maybe a couple of times more briefly. You would expect to see someone a lot more often than that in a relationship so I could see that he might think he hasn't got time for a relationship even though he finds time to see me.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe it may be that he just enjoys the flirting and doesn't want to take it any further. I don't think he's trying to avenge a previous rejection, he might be holding back because he was hurt before. I don't know the reasons why he split up with his ex-wife so there could be a reason there I suppose.

He definitely started the flirting. He's flirted with and made suggestive comments to me for a long time! I didn't respond at all until the summer and even then I have only really flirted with him when he's started it off by flirting first.

I didn't think I'd been defensive but sometimes you need to explain things. I have had three boyfriends and I saw all three of them for over five years. I am still on good terms with all of them. I was friends with all of my previous boyfriends before it developed into more and this had the same sort of feel to it. I would really like to start seeing him and I am fairly sure that he does like me but he is holding back for some reason and I don't know what that is.

I do take your post in the spirit that it is offered. I was asking opinions because I genuinely don't know why it's not gone anywhere, I don't expect you to tell me what I want to hear if you don't think that. Thank you that sounds good to me too! I will see what he says when we meet up, if it doesn't happen then it is clearly not going to and I need to move on. The flirting doesn't make me feel rubbish, I normally come away from seeing him feeling great. I'm just confused as to why it has not progressed. Thank you.

CleanLinesSharpEdges possibly not enough to have a relationship with anyway. From things he has said I don't think he has ED.

bumpthedoor I know!! It has definitely progressed but clearly not enough. I guess I will find out later what the problem is.

Snatchoo I think we will have that conversation at some point today. I know he's not a virgin so that's not the issue.

ruddygreattiger he's got a daughter so he's not holding back because he's a virgin.

MummyBeerest thanks you are right there. I think having got to the text conversation we did last night I can manage a 'what is happening here' question to him later. As you say he is the only one who can tell me!

IsabeauMichelle sorry to hear it didn't work out for you, it must gave been tough when he ended up with a woman after all. I know my friend is definitely not gay.

HanselandGretel I would like a relationship with him but I know he doesn't get much free time so I'm not necessarily expecting to see lots more of him if something did happen. I'd be quite happy just seeing a bit more of him along the lines we do now but with sex and the occasional meal out etc. I have a good social life and friends and I don't really want to spend all of my free time with just one person do would be happy seeing him a couple of times a week.

I am confused as to what his intentions are when he comes round but it won't be a case of just getting down to it as soon as he is round which may not be what he wants anyway. I do want to know what is going on and I will ask him.

He was only supposed to be coming in for a few minutes to pick something up. I wasn't expecting to be sat on the sofa with him in my towel, it was just the way it went. We are quite comfortable with each other, it wasn't remotely strange to be doing that with him.

I don't think I forced his hand, that's why I am a bit confused by him contracting himself in his replies. I sent it in a jokey way, he could easily have sent back 'very funny' or something as his answer or said he was busy today but he didn't.

When you were sitting on the sofa in just your wet towel Tinks, was your hair wrapped up in a towel as well, or was it all hanging dripping and tousled?

I don't know why this man is keeping back; he must have the will power of the gods!

OP don't settle for crumbs - if this guy was interested he'd be jumping at the chance to take you out or at least sleep with you. He's not and just sounds like a time waster. Who knows why he's doing this but you can definitely do better.
You sure he's not gay? (thinking about the phone call with the man you mentioned particularly) I have been flirted with by gay men in the past just for the challenge/fun I think

OP. I'm not questioning you being comfortable sitting next to him in a towel, not saying it was strange, but I can't imagine him sitting there for a hour and not making any kind of move or not even kiss on the cheek when leaving? it's extremely strange, especially because you are so comfortable together after having sat on that sofa 5+ times. Just be prepared for some sort of bombshell from him (ed, gay, not single). But thank God you will know this evening for sure! I'm so feeling the frustration.

He's not interested. He's telling you that he isn't interested. He's curious, and he'll look, but he doesn't want to take it any further. He's offered you "a hand" as some kind of favour, he'll help you as a one off if that's what you want.

He's had more than enough chances to make a move. He hasn't. He's enjoying the flirtation and the knowledge that you are always there if he wants a saucy chat, and he probably presumes it's the same for you.

The best you'll get out of this is a shag. There is no relationship potential but there is a lot of potential for awkwardness and hurt. Be careful.

I think if you're as comfortable as you seem to be together, tinks, you should be able to ask him straight out and it's going to be clear for you when you do so I hope you get the result that you're so keen for.

You sound a very nice woman indeed; he sounds like somebody who really isn't interested in intimacy but he possibly feels he should be and says 'scripted' things, possibly because feels expected to. I hope you can get a straight answer, one way or the other.