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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Confused - if he's not interested why does he act it?

189 replies

tinks4 · 11/12/2014 15:39

I have posted before about a male friend of mine. I really like him and I wasn’t sure if he liked me or not. He seemed to like me – flirty with me, suggestive comments, made excuses to come and see me, tactile and stands really close to me etc., but he hadn’t made a move on me so I wasn’t sure. Anyway after a while I think he did make a pass at me, but it was a bit clumsy and took me by surprise and I ended up taking it as him joking about. It didn’t register with me until afterwards that he probably made a pass at me.

Fast forward a good few months and I am still mightily confused! He’s still exactly the same with me and I’ve been a lot more flirty with him so he can’t be in any doubt now that I like him. A couple of months ago we were having a bit of banter about him taking me to bed. He was joking about whether my neighbours might hear and I said ‘I’d be noisy would I?’ He said ‘I don’t know’ followed by a pause and then ‘yet!’ We then looked at each and smiled. Sort of a well that’s going to happen at some point then look. The conversation continued with a bit more banter along those lines and I got a slap on the bum and a cheeky grin when he left. I was walking on air for a bit thinking he does like me and we’re going to get together at some point.

That was two months and still nothing has happened. He came round last week and we were sitting together extremely closely on my sofa. We were talking about alcohol and he remarked that it makes him ‘rampant’. He elaborated and said that it’s like an aphrodisiac for him. My sense of humour being like it is I said ‘oh do you fancy a drink’. He said no, the conversation continued along those lines and I said ‘are you sure you don’t want a drink, I’ve got a bottle of wine in the fridge’. He said ‘I’m tempted’ but declined. Not sure if the conversation was about the wine or not. We continued chatting and he said something suggestive to me, I can’t remember what it was, and I said ‘you shouldn’t say things like that, you’ve already got me wound up’. He clarified if I meant wound up or excited, I said excited. The sexual tension between us was obvious, but nothing happened.

He did take a call from a man who he was supposed to have rung that evening and he said he would ring him when he got back, so I did wonder if that may have been the reason. But, the man rang him soon after he was round mine and he was at mine for about an hour and a half so I don’t think it was that. He could also have said I can’t tonight, but another time or something.

So I’m thinking that for whatever reason he’s not interested in developing things any further between us and wants to stay just friends. But when he was about to leave he asked me what my shower pressure was like (that’s not a weird question coming from him). I showed him and he said ‘I’ll enjoy having a shower in there’. Then when I was showing him out he said to text him when I’d got the stuff done that we’d been looking at that evening and he’d come round and pick it up. I said fine and he said in an extremely sexual way that he has ‘make sure you’re ready’.

I was outside with him a few days after that, at the weekend, and he put his hands on the tops of my arms/shoulder area and moved me right to him. He then pointed out there was a dove in the tree. He could have just said there’s a dove in the tree, it just came over as a reason to get physically close to me. He then said that the tree still had leaves on it so he would be camouflaged if he was naked in the tree watching me. He didn’t mean that in a pervy way, it’s just his sense of humour.

So basically I am totally confused. He had a perfect chance last week with me and declined so I thought he doesn’t want to. So why is he still making comments and acting for all the world like he is interested. He’s not shy at all, he definitely knows I like him. I don’t know if he just likes the banter/attention, doesn’t want a relationship, just playing me.

I suppose what I am asking is if he’s not interested then why he is acting interested in every other way? Any thoughts would be appreciated as it’s doing my head in now.

OP posts:
CheersMedea · 12/12/2014 19:43

I don't think he's deliberately messing me about, it could be though that he doesn't want to take it any further for whatever reason. . . The sofa thing told me he wasn't interested, but then he followed that up with more comments. I would have thought he would have backed off at that point if he wasn't interested so I don't know

How is that not messing you around?!?!? Can't you see it?

So what if he has a reason not to want to take it further? If he does, then he should stop toying with you.

If you don't want to take something further, acting like you do is sending mixed messages.

If you don't want to take something further AND you know the other person does, acting like you do is really cruel.

Havingabeer · 12/12/2014 19:50

Tell him you're going on a date with someone else

carlywurly · 12/12/2014 20:00

Totally agree with havingabeer. Human nature dictates that we all want what we can't have. Don't hang around waiting on him, get out and about with some male friends. He doesn't need to know if it's platonic.
I would have got bored with all this prolonged tension by now. Luckily dp wasn't one for faffing about. Grin

BlackDaisies · 12/12/2014 20:13

I don't think he's really interested either. The things he says to you don't sound very charming or appealing - if I "stick my tongue down your throat" or he he were "naked in a tree watching you?' (eh?) He sounds like someone with little real experience of a loving relationship. Personally I'd run a mile.

MadeMan · 12/12/2014 21:47

"It all sounds very tedious, and by now I would have lost my patience and said " are you going to kiss me or what is going on here?"

Oh ho, that reminds me of pretty much concrete signs of interest that I soon learned as a teenager. Getting on really well with a girl, flirting, laughing, mucking around and stuff, few weeks later all I get is one word answers, sulking and she seems to have the hump with me; it's because she's fed up waiting for me to make a move. Smile

HanselandGretel · 12/12/2014 22:13

Tinks, you sound a really nice person and I do fear you will end up hurt in some way by this situation. Something is off you can be spending time alone together on a sofa, flirting, and it's still not leading to anything.

The situation I described with the guy who flirted with me for a year is different as I only ever saw him in a pub every couple of weeks, we were never alone together and only spent minutes here and there in each others company throughout the evening. I seriously would not have the patience you are displaying.

I know you say you enjoy his company and wouldn't want to mess it up but this is a frustrating no man's land you are in. You know what you want - if he wanted the same it would have happened by now. Carry on as you are by all means but something tells me it's all on his terms. Who makes the arrangements to see each other? How do these evenings on the sofa come about?

Fiftyplusmum · 12/12/2014 22:20

He just seems to want to talk about it and not go ahead with it - possible reasons 1) he lacks confidence, maybe he hasn't been in a relationship before 2) he's already in a relationship 3) he somehow thinks a sexual relationship should be a bit perverse with the naked in the tree weirdness 4) he expects to be romantic for a long time before the next phase.
I think you could say something like "all joking aside, can we be serious for a moment, do you actually think we are going to have a relationship"

tinks4 · 13/12/2014 10:30

MadeMan well I'm seriously interested in him and I find it hard to keep my hands off him.

lavenderhoney when he gets off the sofa he normally lingers in the hall for a bit before he goes but I don't get a hug. Maybe I should try using the dimmer switch! I haven't got the nerve to just ask him to kiss me.

He needed to ring the man that evening so he had to ring him when he got back. I am alone with him most of the time, although we do see each other outside a lot of the time.

OP posts:
ChristmassyMe · 13/12/2014 11:10

You keep saying 'I might jokingly say x or y' but that's not going to help, is it - you've tried jokingly saying a lot of things, it hasn't helped clarify the situation at all. Just text him and say 'We obviously fancy each other, do you want to do something about it or not'?

tinks4 · 13/12/2014 11:13

Jupiters2ndMoon quite like the Mistletoe idea! Thanks.

CheersMedea I see the point you are making. He is being unfair to me if he doesn't want to take it further. He should say he's not interested or stop acting like it if he doesn't want anything to happen. I get the impression that he does want to but he has strung it out a lot if that is the case!

Havingabeer the date idea with someone else is fine if it does force him to make a move. But it might stop him making a move too.

Carlywurly I do have three or four male platonic friends who I see regularly so I could drop their names into the conversation.

BlackDaisies the phrase about sticking his tongue down my throat was one I'd used earlier in the conversation and he adapted it. The tree comment was not remotely in a weird way, he's actually a really nice bloke. He has been married and I think he has had decent relationships. He has been really good to me.

MadeMan I might have to try one word answers and a bit of sulking then!

OP posts:
ChristmassyMe · 13/12/2014 11:26

^What on earth are you doing??

This is your OP: 'I'm fed up with all this sodding about, how do I stop the sodding about and find out if we are getting together or not'?

This is all your subsequent posts: 'Yes, I think I'll try this or that particular method of additional sodding about, good idea, thanks'.

Stop sodding about! Just text and ask him if he wants to date/shag/whatever you want or not.

tinks4 · 13/12/2014 11:32

HanselandGretel I will be upset if nothing does happen because I really do like him and we get on really well together. My patience is wearing a little thin mind.

He normally just turns up round mine. He owns the property next door to mine although he doesn't live there. It's normally been about things to do with our properties and suchlike but we've got a lot closer since the summer and often talk about personal things now. We've probably only been on the sofa together about half a dozen times. The rest of the time we've just chatted standing up or outside or round where he lives.

Fiftyplusmum he has been in relationships before, he's divorced with a daughter. He's definitely single. I don't think he's perverse he was joking about with the tree comment. I don't know about the speed he likes to take a relationship at.

Most of our comments have been jokey. He did say to me once 'you don't want to know what I'm thinking right now'. I said 'tell me' and he just went bright red and wouldn't say. That's probably as close to talking about that we have come. He might say no if I ask him that and then it might be awkward.

ChristmassyMe I know it has mainly been done in a jokey way. I probably need to suggest something that I could brush off as a joke if he doesn't respond favourably. I'm sure it wasn't this complicated in Victorian times!

OP posts:
MadeMan · 13/12/2014 11:48

"I probably need to suggest something that I could brush off as a joke if he doesn't respond favourably."

Seems like you're trying to protect your feelings by joking around all the time and it's doing the both of you no good.

You'll have to be serious about this and take a risk, whether you end up hurt or not. You can't really declare interest in someone and then take it back and pretend you don't; in my experience it never works that way.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 13/12/2014 11:56

He sounds fun and funny. Enjoy his company but I really wouldn't advise you to let him take up too much of your thoughts otherwise. Men know what to do! They KNOW how to ask women out for a meal, or drinks, and they know how to move in for a cheeky kiss.

They also know how to keep people simmering on the back burner with flirty, but ultimately meaningless conversation.

My fiancé is cripplingly shy - I've seen him DIE with shyness in social situations. But he still pursued me with invitations to drinks, dinner, concerts, etc. I was the first one to move in for a kiss - I couldn't wait - but we'd been out on six actual DATES by then!

I'm sure this bloke is a good laugh and it's lovely to have a flirty mate to banter with. But until he asks you out on a date, please don't place any importance on his comments. The fact you're thinking about it is a red flag; easy, solid relationships don't cause this kind of deep thinking, and worrying.

MadeMan · 13/12/2014 11:56

Just to add, if a woman asked me out, or told me she really liked me and I turned her down; if she then brushed it off with, "Well, I was only joking anyway!" or similar, then I would think she was mad weird.

Also, denying that you like someone after you've just made a move on them is reinforcing that you really like them but can't handle the rejection. Better just to accept it and walk away.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 13/12/2014 12:03

The biggest turn-off for me is that all his comments are sexual. He's not telling you you're beautiful or lovely or kind; he's just hinting about sex.

If we're really cynical, we could suspect that he's just casting out his line for a no-strings shag and seeing if you'll bite. Please don't. I'm sure you'd rather be a person who doesn't throw her knickers to the wind for every guy who regales her with off-colour, saucy remarks.

His saucy comments are him asking you, "are you open for a shag?" Your attitude should be more like, I can't go to bed with every guy who uses suggestive language on me. I don't have the time!

Why not try online dating to widen your prospects? It'll be a healthy distraction from this ONE man. Plus, if this guy does genuinely like you, he'll panic when he sees you might get snapped up by someone else. Never underestimate the power of competition.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 13/12/2014 12:04

MadeMan - if you met the woman of your dreams, would you pursue her in this way? Or would you ask her out for a drink?

MadeMan · 13/12/2014 12:04

"Men know what to do! They KNOW how to ask women out for a meal, or drinks, and they know how to move in for a cheeky kiss. "

Yes, we may get shy at times and stall things occasionally, but generally when things feel right then it's time to make a move.

This is why I can't understand him sitting on the settee and not trying anything on with Tinks; don't let him try on your dresses though Tinks.

MadeMan · 13/12/2014 12:12

WhatsGoingOnEh - To be honest, if I was at the stage they seem to be at I would have made a move on the sofa. To me the idea of going out on dates for drinks and meals is to get to the playful fancying each other stage which they already seem to be at.

I don't really see the point in them sitting in a restaurant making small talk, all pent up with blatant lust and desire for one another whilst eating their red mullet and saffron risotto.

HanselandGretel · 13/12/2014 12:50

Ok, now that you have filled in how you meet etc it makes more sense. I'm afraid I believe he has no intention of asking you out, you are a mild distraction and a bit of an ego boost who is available and handy opening the door and letting him in for cosy chats and flirtation when he happens to be in the area.
Stop being so available as you are setting yourself up for hurt OP, he's either got to poo or get off the pot as they say. No man is so shy or insecure, the most quiet unassuming men I've known know exactly how to make a move. This one is stalling. Why is another question, how are you so sure he is single?

Quitelikely · 13/12/2014 14:21

OP have you still not asked him!

Go on! You can do it!

bumpthedoor · 13/12/2014 14:43

OP, he has told you a couple of times that he is small. He has probably had a few bad reactions in the past, and puts off getting to that stage now until he knows what reaction he's likely to get. Tell him that small is beautiful. Wink.....and don't laugh when you see it.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 13/12/2014 14:56

Anyone who asks out a man they're not sure is interested, is a fool. It would actually be a blessing to be told No straight away. But usually that doesn't happen. What usually happens is the bloke says yes and begins a very half-hearted relationship, where he's happy to have sex but not much else. He doesn't move things forward, he doesn't act like a nice BF - because he doesn't have to! And it was never his idea. Then a couple of years later, he's still not that bothered and the woman is on here moaning that her BF treats her lazily, won't discuss moving in, says he believes marriage is "just a piece of paper", etc.

It's really not worth it. MEN KNOW WHAT THEY WANT, and if it's you they want, they make sure you know it too.

Just get more men in your life. Don't agonise over one.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 13/12/2014 14:59

This is a Fantasy Relationship.

tinks4 · 13/12/2014 15:56

ChristmassyMe I know I do!! It's just plucking up the courage to do it and I did want him to ask me. I'm out tonight so I don't want to ruin my evening if it's a no so I think I will just suggest a Christmas drink in the next few days and see what he says.

MadeMan it is a bit like that. I don't want to make a prat of myself by saying that I like him if he responds by saying it was just a giggle or something. I wasn't suggesting I take it back if I did get a no but something that was lighthearted so that he wouldn't feel awkward around me in future and avoid me. I do want us to stay friends even if nothing happens.

WhatsGoingOnEh I don't want to spend too much time wondering about it all, but it's obviously not as simple as that. He's not shy, he certainly doesn't come across as shy anyway. It should be simpler than this.

MadeMan I just didn't want him to feel awkward around me after that was all.

OP posts: