You are not responsible for the rape or sexual assault you endured

[differentnameforthis]

In light of many threads about Ched Evans' & his victim & in light of those who believe she could have prevented it by being sober (!), I thought it was important to raise this issue.

It doesn't matter if you were drunk
It doesn't matter if you were alone
It doesn't matter if you got into a taxi/car/train/bus with him
It doesn't matter if you went to a room with him
It doesn't matter if you knew him
It doesn't matter if you didn't know him
It doesn't matter if you started to have sex with him & said no
It doesn't matter if you had sex with him an hour/a day/a week before
It doesn't matter if you had sex with his friend
It doesn't matter what you were wearing

YOU ARE IN NO WAY RESPONSIBLE FOR THE RAPE/SEXUAL ASSAULT YOU ENDURED.

We believe you

Thread: You are never responsible for the rape or sexual assault you endured.

Aduaz: AHHHH! But it never would have happened if you hadn't been walking home alone!

The phrase "I'm not victim blaming but..." should join the ranks of "I'm not racist but..."

At the request of several users I will leave this thread. I apologize if I've come across as victim blaming this was absolutely not my intention. I see a clear line between offering advice on preventing it, and actually blaming the victim as if they "asked for it". I also apologize if I upset anyone this was also not my intention. If I missed anybodys questions then post them and I'll answer them but no more after them.

Oh dear. Having just done an Advanced Search on Aduaz, it's even more clear that he's just an inadequate little man who can't function around women and their bodies.

On two threads he has talked about his distaste for breastfeeding in public and has basically said that it makes him feel ill and that, regardless of the fucking law, really women should be more considerate and sit in a corner/in the toilet in restaurants so he doesn't have to see them breastfeeding their baby. When questioned more closely on these attitudes he did exactly what he's doing here - cherry-picking which questions he answers and avoiding the more pertinent ones so that he doesn't show what a complete misogynistic arse he is.

As if we don't know already...

Yeah, I read that thread Whisk. Not a nice man.

If I missed anybodys questions then post them and I'll answer them but no more after them.

How condescending! You're not here to decide who gets to question you and who doesn't. We're not queuing for autographs from Colin Firth!

To be honest, I'd rather you didn't stay to answer questions. I'd rather you just fucked off and took your victim-blaming, woman-hating shite with you.

I was aware that I'd missed quite a few questions and was offering to answer them, thinking that if I just left I'd get accused of avoiding giving an answer. It seems that there is just ignorant abuse being flung at me now, no actual questions, so if it's got to that stage I'll call it a day and leave this thread. Thanks and bye.

YY stupid women and ignorant rape victims what's a sensible reasonable guy to do when they won't listen to his eminently logical advice. So, so sad.

I suspect that MN is really not the place for someone who doesn't really like women all that much.

Makes you wonder why he's here in the first place

It's all very well doing the flaming martyr thing now aduaz, but your arguments here are really inappropriate when talking to rape victims.

Ok, I haven't managed to read the whole thread. Not being lazy, I just can't, because I can't get my head around what some posters are saying.

I was sexually abused when I was 9. He was young, nearly 17. I had a kid's crush on him I thought he was amazing. I hated every minute I was so scared- but was it my fault? I really liked him, I sought out his company...

Then at uni I was date raped, I wanted to kiss this guy, I invited him in and he started pushing WAY too fast. I tried to tell him I had a boyfriend at home. Then I just got scared and started crying, he said it was because of my boyfriend and I tried to explain- no I am terrified. I was abused as a kid and have only recently started to get over it and I have now slept with my gentle kind and patient boyfriend but I am not ready to do that with someone else, especially not someone I've just met...

He kissed me (I was sobbing) and then kissed his way down my front. When his mouth was at my tummy and he started undoing my trousers I sobbed 'no no please no' He said (and it was horrible and scary because he talked to me like a child and I was right back in the abuse situation and I FROZE) he said 'it's ok, don't worry, I just want to kiss your tummy'

Then he fucked me while I cried and cried and cried. I didn't fight. I just lay there sobbing.

When he'd finished he left, and then made sure he told lots of people that I was a bit unhinged and wanted him to solve my problems (!!) and that he had only walked me home because my friend wasn't interested in him.

It fucking DESTROYED me. But I asked him in, so it's my fault?? You have no idea how long it has taken me to fight off that feeling of guilt for both things, the rape and the abuse. Do you people who spout all this stuff realise what you could do to an actual living person who has in fact been through quite a lot already?

It's my fault. I should've seen the massive 'RAPIST!!!' sign above his head. The guy was training to be a social worker FFS.

Thisisnotgood, you poor thing. It was not your fault, love. None of it was your fault

Oh I read a bit of the last bit. I had a taxi driver take me home when I was 14 and take a weird route round the back roads- I was crying cos I'd had a fight with a boy...

Taxi driver started playing 'agony uncle'. Next thing I knew he was asking if I was a virgin, what I had done sexually and telling me because he had taken the back route no one would know where we were.

Joysmum - I have scanned the thread and don't know if it has been said, but for god's sake don't teach your children to pretend to be on the phone. That is really, really bad safety advice. Opportunistic attackers (and I'm thinking of violent muggings here rather than sexual attacks) will often target someone they feel is distracted and not fully aware of their surroundings. Seeming potentially distracted and with a valuable item (i.e. a smartphone) on full display is a good way to make yourself look an easy target for a mugging.

When I was at uni, the culture was very friendly and liberal. Guys went into girl's room all the time - To chat, do work, to listen to music, to have sex. Sometimes for tea and toast, sometimes for a snog, sometimes more.

It would have been completely ridiculous not to invite any man into my room, just in case he 'might be a rapist' - unrealistic of the social scene at my halls of residence. It would not be a 'reasonable safety precaution' it would be a curtailing of women's freedoms to live their lives at university.

A rapist will always manipulate situations so that he can attack women - women cannot live their lives 'just in case'.

Rape is never the victim's fault.

^ Note the lack of the "but..." there.

You know what terrifies me about all these threads and these horrible stories people are sharing about their own experiences? (Strength to all of you)

I always knew that there were lots of victims out there. That women I knew would be victims and I wouldn't know.

But this thread (and other recent ones) has brought home to me that I probably know rapists. I probably even know rapists who I think are basically decent blokes.

And that is fucking terrifying.

youre right penguin.

Yes, if you have been unfortunate enough to be raped, then it's too late and any blaming of the victim is unhelpful. It wasn't their fault.

However, it doesn't mean that lessons can't be learnt and women and girls educated to take as many precautions as possible. We are educated about how best to avoid being the victim of other crimes, so why not rape? I believe there will always be men that rape, no matter how unacceptable it is. Teaching your daughter she can say no is pointless if she is shit-faced in an alley with a man intent on rape. Teach her not to be shit-faced in an alley. Yes, not all rape happens like this, but it seems only sensible to take responsibility for yourself and not rely on men being decent, as there isn't a gaurantee they will be. There will always be rapists, blaming the rapist and not the victim won't stop men raping in the short term. Women may have the right to get as shit faced as they like and go to hotel rooms with whoever they like without fear, but that doesn't mean it's wise in practice.

I'm going to have to leave and probably hide this thread. Thanks to the OP, your statement meant a lot to me.

But yeah of course asking that bloke in for coffee meant 'ABSOLUTELY you can have sex with me! Even if I say no, even if I explain I've been abused, even if I'm fucking CRYING'.

I didn't just pick him up off Rapist Street. He was at the same Uni, fairly well known, smart, popular, couple of years above me...