You are not responsible for the rape or sexual assault you endured

[differentnameforthis]

In light of many threads about Ched Evans' & his victim & in light of those who believe she could have prevented it by being sober (!), I thought it was important to raise this issue.

It doesn't matter if you were drunk
It doesn't matter if you were alone
It doesn't matter if you got into a taxi/car/train/bus with him
It doesn't matter if you went to a room with him
It doesn't matter if you knew him
It doesn't matter if you didn't know him
It doesn't matter if you started to have sex with him & said no
It doesn't matter if you had sex with him an hour/a day/a week before
It doesn't matter if you had sex with his friend
It doesn't matter what you were wearing

YOU ARE IN NO WAY RESPONSIBLE FOR THE RAPE/SEXUAL ASSAULT YOU ENDURED.

We believe you

"You have no responsibility at all for the impact of your behaviour on others. Go ahead and do exactly as you like."

Somehow, I don't think I'd be raising my daughters to think that way.

I read on MN yesterday that a woman has every right to expect to remain unmolested if she gets into a man's bed with him. How much better would it be, if you don't want a particular man, to avoid getting into his bed in the first place.

So what if I get into my bed tonight with my dh? Are you saying that by getting into my bed with him I am to expect & tolerate being molested by him, even if I do want him to?

Does that also extend to sex? That because we are married & I share a bed with him, I should be expected to have sex any time he wants?

Woman are not perpetually up for it. No one owns us, no one has the right to do to us what anything we don't want them to!

And by suggesting that what we do somehow makes a man rape us, is infantalising a man to a state where he cannot control his own actions.

We are not responsible for a man who decides to rape us.

Thanks differentname - clearly it's very important to keep repeating this and hope that people start to get their heads around this.

The only person responsible for how a man behaves is the man himself.

I will always teach my daughters that they have the right to say no at any point and if the man can not respect them enough to accept that then he is the problem not them.

I am 100% with you that sex has to be by negotiation.
I do not support abuse of any kind.
But I think the statements in the opening post suggest that people should not take reasonable precautions.
I don't want to be eaten by a tiger. Therefore, I never put myself in the vicinity of tigers. It works well for me.

There are enough assaults that people cannot avoid, in the home, in the family, at work etc, without supporting risk-taking.

Thanks for posting this.

I will always teach my daughters that they have the right to say no at any point
And will you teach them not to infer 'yes', then say no? Or will you teach them how to say no by how they behave?

Thank you for sharing this. I've seen it before but needed to see it again.

Of course it is the total responsibility of every man to be accountable for his actions, especially his sexual behaviour. No woman deserves or asks to be raped. However, life is not that straightforward. I sadly have an old banger for a car but even so I wouldn't leave it parked up somewhere unlocked as I would leave it vulnerable to being stolen. Would it be 'my fault' that it was stolen. Well, strictly speaking it would be the fault of the thief if I got it stolen but I have to take my share of the blame because I did not lock it and secure it against the thieves that we all now live in this world. If we can take precautions against having our cars stolen for example, then surely we have to take the utmost care when guarding our most treasure possession ie our own bodies. Some men rape. It's wrong but it's a fact so women need to be vigilante and protect themselves and not leave themselves vulnerable to one of the most traumatics crimes committed against them ie rape. Being drunk and/or alone with a guy we barely know leaves us in a very vulnerable position indeed so ladies please, please take care of yourselves as there are so many people out there who will exploit any little chink in the armour to perpetrate horrendous crimes against us. It's our responsibility at all times to keep ourselves as safe as humanly possible.

Well said HumblePieMonster - absolutely agree with everything you have said.

I particularly like the tiger analogy.

And will you teach them not to infer 'yes', then say no?

That old chestnut of rape apologists. The only person in that situation who needs to look at their behavior is the man. My daughters can go out, have fun, drink, flirt but it does not mean they are consenting to sex nor does it mean that they have to, they are not responsible for how a man behaves.

heyday your post sounds like you assume all drunken rapes are by strangers, which is simply not true. I was raped by my partner at the time when I was drunk. We'd even discussed things before going out that we wouldn't be having sex that night as we'd run out of condoms and I wasn't prepared to take that risk. Does that mean because I got drunk he had every right to do what he did?! I think not... I also think it's not as straightforward as don't get drunk. Sometimes we get drunk in the presence of people we trust and things still happen. To use the analogy of the car is just wrong and the two simply cannot be compared.

It's our responsibility at all times to keep ourselves as safe as humanly possible.

A message ^^ that a lot of the frothers on MN just do NOT get.

Well said cantbebothered!

I don't want to be eaten by a tiger. Therefore, I never put myself in the vicinity of tigers. It works well for me.

So seeing as a rapist doesn't have a distinctive coat/tattoo/banner saying he is a rapist, how exactly do you not put yourself in the vicinity of a rapist?

A tiger is a wild animal.

A rapist is man who rarely, if ever shows his "spots" as visibly as a tiger show his stripes.

without supporting risk-taking. You are only at risk of a rape if you are sharing space with a rapist.

Doing any, or even all, of those things I listed will NOT make a man rape you.

Him being a rapist will make him rape you.

A decent man won't rape you just because you are drunk/in a taxi with him.

Most people (I include men and children) are raped by people they know. If dressing a certain way/drinking/whatever the apologists and victim blamers want to think was the cause of rape, then the only people who ever got raped would be young, nice looking, maybe dressed/dolled up, bit pissed, and walking down a dark, deserted alley at some ungodly hour. All babies, elderly people, those in work attire or pjs or running gear, teetotallers, etc would be safe.

Considered nchanging for this but haven't.

I was raped by a guy id known a week, whilst on a faith based holiday. No drinks were allowed, we spent a lot of time as part of a group. We spoke different languages. He asked me to help him with his English. He raped me instead.

I felt I was in healthy and safe situations. Yet the amount of judgement I had from the police that clearly because it happened at new year and at a party I just have asked for it to happen and/or put myself in a dangerous situation.

I've written this mainly to show that rape is so often much much more complicated than we give it credit for being.

And will you teach them not to infer 'yes', then say no? Or will you teach them how to say no by how they behave?

What the actual fuck have I just read? "infer" yes? How do we do that?

Do you also think that a woman has no right to withdraw consent too?

That is a woman has sex with guy A, she has 'inferred' that she is up for sex with his mate too?

I particularly like the tiger analogy. It's a crap analogy! We all know tigers have the potential to be viscous.

We couldn't pick out a rapist in crowd of people, which is why they can hide in plain sight! They have no identifying characteristics!

Caulkhead I'm so sorry for what you went through That's absolutely awful, especially on a faith-based holiday!

I considered name-changing too but thought no, I'm not the one that should be ashamed. I too got a lot of judgement for being drunk. Being drunk (or doing anything in the first post) doesn't give someone the right to rape you. As others have said, rapists are rapists. Being drunk / dress inappropriately doesn't make a decent man rape. I can't believe the opinion of some of the women here.

Caulkhead

for those who have so bravely shared their experiences.

I am sorry you had to endure what you did & then also put up with being criticized for your actions. You are not to blame.

I love that tigers 'have the potential to be viscous'. don't we all.

I also love the outrage. For heaven's sake, being cautious isn't an unreasonable thing to suggest.

No-one has the 'right to rape'.
Everyone has the right to be cautious.