You are not responsible for the rape or sexual assault you endured

[differentnameforthis]

In light of many threads about Ched Evans' & his victim & in light of those who believe she could have prevented it by being sober (!), I thought it was important to raise this issue.

It doesn't matter if you were drunk
It doesn't matter if you were alone
It doesn't matter if you got into a taxi/car/train/bus with him
It doesn't matter if you went to a room with him
It doesn't matter if you knew him
It doesn't matter if you didn't know him
It doesn't matter if you started to have sex with him & said no
It doesn't matter if you had sex with him an hour/a day/a week before
It doesn't matter if you had sex with his friend
It doesn't matter what you were wearing

YOU ARE IN NO WAY RESPONSIBLE FOR THE RAPE/SEXUAL ASSAULT YOU ENDURED.

We believe you

Well obviously YABU Buffy, because "not all men" duh.
Also just be nice and do as the gentleman asks because its just rude not to

Heh, Buffy, yes

Also:
"I can't come & visit because I'll have to get a taxi and the driver might rape me."
"I can't walk with you, even though we're going to the same place, because you might be a rapist."
"You can't come in and mend my boiler as you could be a rapist."
"I'm on the bus and the only other passenger has got off. The bus driver's a man. Should I call the police?"
"I've had 3 drinks at my local. Now I'm stranded, help! If I walk home I might get raped and, if I call a taxi for the half-mile trip, the driver might rape me!"
"I went to the corner shop but no-one was there except the male assistant. I walked straight out again in case he raped me. Now I'm starving."
"My boss wants to know why I refused to attend an important meeting. All the other delegates were men; I thought they might rape me. What should I tell my boss?"
"This really nice man asked me on a date. Thing is, I'm scared he will rape me - he is a man after all. Am I doomed to celibacy?"

Pretty positive ACheesePuff is a woman...for those wondering

Oh, then perhaps you'll come back and share your strategies for not getting yourself raped, Cheese?

Buffy - I think your AIBU has just made me have a light-bulb moment.

I just wrote this on another thread: "I have even, in my younger days, gone to bed with men having first said "I'm up for a bit of a snog but nothing more" and had those boundaries respected - because that's what decent men do. Rape happens when rapists decide to use a situation - any situation - to their advantage. Decent men do not rape in any situation - even highly sexualised situations."

And I've just realised why all the victim-blamers would pile onto your putative AIBU thread saying "but that's just stupid/not my Nigel/see, feminists do all hate men after all..." Because the photocopier isn't a sexual situation. But the thing is - whether the underlying situation is sexual or not, the thing that makes it dangerous is whether or not the man is a rapist. But when the victim blamers focus on "behaviours you could have changed" (if armed with a crystal ball, god-like omniscience, and a willingness to forgo all every day, social and professional interaction with the opposite sex, just in case), funnily enough they always seem to select the sexual and social interactions, not the professional, the doing-your-shopping, the taking-your-children-park ones (funny, you'd have thought playing hide and seek in the bushes with a three-year-old was an obviously stupid thing to do - I mean, there you are, already in the bushes, he's not even going to have to go to the trouble of dragging you in there...)

So actually, yet again, it's about blaming women for being sexual beings, isn't it?

It's our fault for having vaginas in the presence of men. Or everybody's fault for having backsides. All that temptation! What's a rapist to do?

I'm still looking forward to the two (?) posters who see things "through the eyes of a rapist" coming back to tell us what they see.

You are not responsible for the rape or sexual assault you endured. It needs repeating.

You are not responsible for the rape or sexual assault you endured.

What the hell, MEOD, that is awful. I watched it. They were doing nothing but living a normal life. The "this makes you responsible for rape" thing didn't even start with being blind drunk, it was starting with them just getting dressed and putting make up on. So so awful.

Holy fuck Empire, that is fucking horrible.

The bit where they were looking "provocative", where it showed each of them against a plain background looking "sexy" said the most about the messgae imo, it was a "look at these girls, they are such cockteases" moment.

Cripes Leaving aside the totally pointless sexual objectification in the posing part of the film - which is difficult, in an anti-rape promo - the message I took away from it was "Don't dress up, don't have fun, don't treat men like they're reasonable." Well done, Hungary.

Oh, dear God, I can't face watching this. Your summaries have given me enough to go on :(
I've said it before, upthread, and I'll say it again in the hope that the message might actually sink in for me, because it still hasn't, really

I'm a highly-educated, grown-up and proudly feminist woman who STILL continues to think it was entirely understandable that a male friend made me give him oral sex when I was drunk, because I was drunk and wearing a sexy dress.

If I still struggle to get my head around the concept that it wasn't my fault, when I'm highly-educated, grown-up and proudly feminist, and when what happened to me was nowhere near as shockingly violent as what has happened to many, how are more vulnerable, less confident women and girls supposed to deal with the stigma that this ludicrous Hungarian advert (from what it sounds like) dumps on them?

(btw not sure exactly what I mean by the highly-educated bit, am just trying to put myself in some sort of context and by highly educated I really just mean that I am privileged enough to have had an education that enables me to look at things from many sides and to feel confident in my views and standpoints. So am just saying that my wobbliness on really getting my head around what happened to me is REALLY surprising, and is - I suspect - thanks to massive social conditioning. Hope that makes me sound a bit less odd, sorry!!!)

thanks MEOD, I just re-read what I was posting and it sounded weirdly as if I was trying to say - 'but I have a university degree! This sort of thing shouldnt have happened to me!' which isn't what I was trying to say at all!! Just trying to explain how worrying it is that my privileged education can't counteract the overwhelming feeling that something I know, logically, wasn't my responsibility still feels like it was absolutely my responsibility.

Emerald it was at least a year after it happened that i realised i was raped, and that was even though it was a forceful, prolonged attack on me when i was semi-concious. Rape culture is very successful in making women blame themselves or chalk it up to a misunderstanding or bad sex or blurred lines fuck you Robin Thicke

You were not responsible for that mans actions, he assaulted you and he carries the blame for his actions

thanks Gin, it was almost 20 years ago in my case and honestly it didn't even occur to me until a couple of years ago that it wasn't, well, even OK...
I think maybe having a daughter of my own (almost 2 years ago) is what made me begin to see it in a different light... also all the historic rape allegations in the press...I just began to think, hang on, these women are saying that X, Y or Z was done to them by so-and-so celeb... but the same sort of thing happened to me.
Seriously, it only began to look that way to me then. I just thought it was a horrible incident that I'd brought on myself.

Oh, and Gin, I am so sorry about what happened to you for you too xx

That video has enraged me!

Empire, I knew exactly what you mean..