Work Stress? Err don't think so mate!

[thenamehaschanged]

I can't copy and paste a link rather annoyingly - but this is my follow on thread from my original How far can he take the stressed from work excuse?

It burst at the seams with all the fantastic MN support I received and so I have started a new one as I carry on my journey of divorcing my very abusive husband.

Hi hun!

thanks for your concern just stupid family stuff, we are okay in Tim's big Bubble!
your papers are here, be brave now, remember every put down, every move every slight that has ripped your heart out, then slowly move forward with the rest of your life, he has met his match in you, you are strong enough to pull this off, you are the best of all of you, him, your parents [great to read they are helping you!] Please, please allow yourself now to have the life you so rightly deserve.... It won't ever be as bad as it was again and that is because you have made this change happen, you have taken a stand.
This is your time and if you change course now it will be for his sake no one else, please put yourself and your children first, I swear in a couple of years time you will be on here urging someone else to take a leap of faith because you will now first hand how great the other side is...
My heart is in my mouth for you sweetheart! Good Luck....X

PPs... let him pull out the big guns Name... cos your guns are bigger, meet him head on, can he possibly hurt you more than he ever has? I think not...

Thank you Tim!

Seeing my solicitor on Monday morning.

I am remembering everything like you say Tim, he won't ever, ever change.

I'm a bit of a headless chicken today!

It's dd1's birthday in 3 weeks

I don't know how I'm going to manoeuvre that one.

You dont manoeuver it.
you just KOKO
There is always going to be something coming up
you are doing well, just got to do this last little bit.....

I am posting on phone from my birthday treat holiday in Paris to remind you that even if he was a perfect gentleman, fantastic husband etc you are STILL allowed to leave him just because his breath smells or he has funny eyebrows or something JUST BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT TO BE WITH HIM! Feel the fear and do it anyway...

Would it make you feel better to test him? Imagine a scenario where you can be certain he will kick off or start a conversation about something you know you both disagree on.

if you can bear the possible argument or put downs - it would show you that any change is not long lasting.

of course don't even think about this if it could lead to any danger for you. But it may offer peace of mind that you are doing the right thing.

Especially so if you merely ask him about something reasonable (but that you know he doesn't like to talk about). his sisters rent for example?

Yes I was thinking that actually whatdoesittake - he can kick off like a tantruming child over anything. A kick off about something is always followed by a sulk and I kind of want us to not be talking when he gets the papers.

Thank you Fantastic! Hope you're having a great time in Paris!

Thanks Nettle

TheName marriage is a choice: the minute you decide you don't want to be married any more, the marriage is over except for the legal bit.

It's really that simple. He can't do anything to prevent it (and lots of people have contested divorce and the expense of thousands of pounds to finally accept that it cannot be done).

You don't need to provoke anything to confirm your decision. Until you apply for Absolute, you remain married. You are at least six months away from that so there's plenty of time to reconsider if you need it.

I rather suspect that unless you have a very smooth divorce, then you'll have lots of reassurance in the coming months that you've made the right decision...

So I'd urge you to be calm, keep your head down, your wits about you. Provoking him and then slapping him with a divorce petition is only going to enrage him and send the both of you off into a 'tit for tat' escalation.

You need him to be as calm as possible, you can say you've noted that he has shown a willingness to change recently, but for you it's "too little too late". Which is how I read your situation.

Name him pulling out all the stops is his attempt at confusing you to to try to pull you back in. He is losing control and he doesnt like it. I was glad to see upthread that you have a bag packed.

You are being a great role model for your DC. What yr h is doing is all part of the abuse cycle. It also sounds like a part of him has never grown up

"Wonderful family weekends"!!!!!!

PAH!

Thank you WWK you really are such a voice of sobering reason hope you're ok, I'll pop over to your thread in a minute

Thank you too darkest hope you're bearing up too

I've just booked DD's disco party - do I tell him about it? I mean, he will have had the papers by then so I won't want to be in the same room as him.

I also note fuck face oscar pistorious has been cleared of murder, and tomorrow will probably get manslaughter with a reduced sentence. What bloody message does that send?

I'm doing this for my lovely girls. That they will never have to live in fear at home and will grow up to expect respect.

You know he's all mr dotey dad now as they are so young, he's a stricter disciplinarian than I am obviously, but they are very much up on a pedestal in his eyes - fast forward to when they are sulky, rude teenagers and young women, challenging his authority and I think things will be very different.

And of course any teenage angst would also be all my fault. So I would have them having a go at me and him...everyday.....

Yep, doing the right thing!

Hi thename sounds like things are happening at last. It is a big step but you will weather this storm in order to prevent further ones.
I had an ex that your 'D'H reminds me of which is why I am following your thread (and to support you of course!) I was with him for 4 years and it was turbulent. I moved in with him and I stuck it for 6 months. I carried on seeing him after I moved out but...what I want to say is that he was manipulative to the Nth degree. He is much brighter than me and afterwards I was able to see that everything, every damn thing he did was to control me at the time or setting up a situation for control in the future. He was a bit physically abusive too but only when I let him know I had copped on to what he was doing. Most of it was subtle mental cruelty. I am staggered that someone would spend so much time, effort and mental energy in bringing another person under control and if I had not seen it with my own eyes, I would have struggled to believe there are people out there like it! He got a buzz from it that he could not lie without I suspect.
I am from a fairly stable normal background so his behaviour mystified me for a long time. I also wanted to see him as the man he was when we first got together. I finally left when he tripped himself up and went too far. Normally his poor behaviour could be explained away as 'stress' or it was worked around to be my fault but he could see me slipping away and did something unambiguously appalling and I left but did it when he wasn't there. In the moment, had I left with him present, I am not exaggerating that I think he may have done something really really stupid he was that tightly wound and his reality so distorted.
Be careful in the next phase is what I am saying. We all want to hear of you and the girls picking out wallpaper and curtains, not in A & E.
He sounds unstable, unpredictable and deeply unpleasant and his mood is only up currently because you are deliberately taking a back seat and this suits him down to the ground as he thinks you have decided to behave yourself. Take care thename

Live without not lie without. He lied a lot too though!

I also note fuck face oscar pistorious has been cleared of murder, and tomorrow will probably get manslaughter with a reduced sentence. What bloody message does that send?

It sends the message that women are not valued. But Name you are showing your lovely daughters that girls/women are/shouldbe valued.

And i agree any teenage angst would very likely be blamed on you Name. I remember being a teen and the arguments and door slamming. But your girls as they get older will not have to suppress normal teenage behaviour by walking on eggshells for his benefit.

Dinnae your post clearly demonstrates why emotional abuse should be a serious criminal offence and theNames situation does too.

Sending reassuring hugs, you can do this, you ARE already doing this and with maturity and courage. Well done you, you'll get there x

You can do this. Just read this thread from the beginning to remind you of what he can be like. I would hang fire on the birthday bash personally if your NC then the last thing you need is something he can claim you stopped him access to. Defo something to discuss with your SHL on Monday. Stuff the dog, let him have the bugger for company when you're living your life with the girls. Keep strong you can do this x

Thanks ladies

Real sobering stuff there Dinnae!

I've been reading my old thread - I sound so scared! I sound younger in a way - guess I've hardened a bit now but am still a bag of nerves really!

H has called, he's on his way back...yay! he wondered if we could meet for a quick beer but was guessing the answer would be no, which it was DUR!! You fucking set me up and then contacted AA 'on my behalf' the last time we had a quick beer, so No is the answer and that will always be the answer you fucking mind bending, psychotic weirdo!

Deep breaths, not long now.

He'll probably go into one about his mad dog idea when he gets in - good suggestion petunia, he can get one for company haha

Actually i taped Gaslight last night on the suggestion of another MN'er - think I'll have that on for when he gets in

wa-hay, you're back on a new thread! Haven't read it all yet, but just wanted to say how marvellous it is to see you're still your amazing & witty self :)

Brilliant thing to have on when he comes in! Keep smiling keep being careful and get ready to run at the first sign if a problem. Do speak to SHL about dds birthday. If your NC and in a refuge how is that gonna work, won't friends from school be there won't he know that! Will girls still be in own school. Lots to talk and think about. Don't let the birthday thing delay your acting but do consider every consequence.

Haha! Ahh hi Garlic!! Haven't seen you around these parts for a while - hope everything's ok your end, I seem to remember you had a bit of a crisis going on yourself?

Yes still here with my misplaced wit! That would be me being a 16 year old in H's eyes! I'm nearly there though now....almost, just rapidly approaching the most scary bit and then I guess we'll see from there!

Urgh Petunia I had a total panic about the birthday today - you know, she deserves one, we're still new around here fgs what I'm hoping is that the dust will have settled by then and we can be back in the house with a non mol order in place? Don't know, I'll talk to the solicitor on Monday like you say, but I'm not planning on telling him about it. It's not til the 11th of Oct so hopefully I'll know the score a lot more then

Oh Christ, just flicked on the news and a dad has shot his 8 yr old daughter in the head and then killed himself in Sussex. Looks like mum and daughter lived alone, having escaped abuse no doubt. Little girl is still alive but critical.

My God