Work Stress? Err don't think so mate!

[thenamehaschanged]

I can't copy and paste a link rather annoyingly - but this is my follow on thread from my original How far can he take the stressed from work excuse?

It burst at the seams with all the fantastic MN support I received and so I have started a new one as I carry on my journey of divorcing my very abusive husband.

Keep going, OP. You've had your confidence eroded over years, but we're here to tell you that you don't need your parents' or friends' permission to get divorced. It doesn't matter a fuck, not even slightly, whether every last person you know is convinced he's some kind of victim here. YOU KNOW WHAT HE IS. Tell your mother (or anyone else) that you're going to have to stop talking to her while she insists on relaying his bullshit. He will try to erode your certainty through any means... Surround yourself with only the people who affirm your self-determination.

In terms of the job - my stbexh said this when I instigated a split earlier in the year. He said he would disappear, go back to his family, and give up his job (which he had only just got after a year of unemployment). Despite living in a hotel, he kept on with his brand new job, and actually kept himself together pretty well. I had really believed him when he said he would fall apart.

He's saying exactly the same now and although it makes my heart hurt, I know that he will be ok.

I know that I will not be ok if I stay.

He won't give up his job - men like this are too selfish , they put themselves first.

Today I saw a mediator who was happy to sign the form saying not suitable for mediation so i can progress with divorce, but we also agreed it may be worth a try as I don't feel that I would be manipulated. I was concerned mainly that he may cry and that would make it hard for me - and she said to me - he can have his emotion, and you can have yours. You do not need to take on his emotion. I am trying to hold this thought close and maybe you should too? .

I have to tell him tonight that I have seen the mediator and that she will be writing to him to invite him to come along. Feeling a bit sick. You've already done the really hard bit, so you just need to try and push all the guilt down and keep going - as the guilt is a normal human reaction to suffering but HE DID NOT HAVE THIS FOR YOU!!

Expect to have down periods, you won't feel like this all the time. Of course you still care about him but he won't change and you would't be at this point if he hadnt made the marriage impossible. That's what I am telling myself anyway!

also my stbexh has taken ads and done a lot of counseling. not changed him one iota.

You are bound to have dark days, you wouldn't be normal if you didn't. What makes you strong - and everyone here knows you can do this - is your ability to dust yourself down and push on through. Every day you're another step further away from that arsehole.

Wishing you strength Name Its all manipulation. He is doing it to blindside you and mess with your head.
Wont be able to continue in his job.........doesnt want to pay Child Support more like!

And his job is HIS responsibility. And agree with Sandthorn. If your mum is going to keep relaying his shit to you dont speak to her

I can't help but read his emails even though I know I shouldn't but because he is in effect the enemy and I want to know what he's thinking/planning.

No, no no - that's what he wants you to think he is thinking.

Come on Name, you know better than this. Persuader phase.

Next comes bullyboy.

name He's just throwing everything at you that is all. It is classic abuse and manipulation. You need to see this. He spat in your face!

You have come so far, just rest awhile he is not letting you rest and heal.

Thanks Sus14 good luck tonight

Ok I am going to give myself the proverbial dust down.

I want to have a big cry. I'm out with a cigarette - my place of recent joy, out in the garden, mumsnetting, getting my plans in order, feeling excited and nervous at the same time.

Now I'm just out here feeling flat.

I want those positive, good feelings back. I want to be free and to live my life how I want. I wanted that so much. But I also want a hug from a loved one and to be told everything's going to be ok and that loved one was H. I so know what it's like to confuse your abuser with your 'rock'. I've been her 17 years.

Love to you all and thank you I'm going to do a small koko for today

It's all him him him, and all manipulation to keep the status quo.

Change your mobile number, start using a new email address etc.

You have given him so many chances in the past this is classic manipulation and you know it. Write yourself a tick list and tick off all the things he's doing.

Name, the job threat is also textbook, honestly. He needs to eat too - I doubt he will leave it if it comes down to it.

He doesn't want to love you, he wants to control you - if you love someone, you'd follow their rules on something like this. He's trampled all over them because he loves himself.

He knows you're nervous about precarious finances so he's going at you that way.

Well, fuck it. (At least) Half that house is yours. You already have plans to go back to work and tax credits will help you out if need be. If he pays you nothing you will not starve. I promise.

Yes, things might not be exactly how you would have chosen but you don't have to live with a massive CUNT anymore and that is a price above all else.

You are allowed flat days but KOKO, you're doing marvellously.

Oh name honey, you know him, you've seen his actions, heard his words and excuses a thousand times before. If he could change, had any intention of doing so, had any fucking inkling of being sorry then you wouldn't be here in this situation right now.
He is who he is - always will be.
Any 'changing' will simply be him biting his tongue, holding his venom simply not to upset you because he promised - NOT because he doesn't really mean it nor that he's a different person.
YOU KNOW HIM - Could you believe him?

Don't let him drag you back lovely, he's trying his best, plan A is to weaken you.....like a predator mounting an attack, he's waiting for his moment to strike. Be strong, you've come so so far.

MyExH pulled the ''I've got nothing to live for without YOU'' bullshit, even told me he was thinking of suicide - which was meant to make me immediately take him back :)
I screamed at him that he had - the 3 innocent dc that we had made together and if he didn't pull his head out of the self- pitying pit of denial then I would move away and he wouldn't see them if that was the behaviour they would have to witness. I wanted to shock him out of his 'poor me'' episode because it wasn't fair on anyone. Once he got it into his skull that 'We' weren't ever going to be again he soon changed his attitude. It still wasn't a bed of roses and he still caused problems for me but it got better.

If you're wavering at all, hold on to one thought. He was so shattered, broken, distraught and all the rest of the textbook manipulation, but despite all this he managed to contact a solicitor who informed him how unusual and cruel it is to have divorce papers served at work. Nonsense, I had my ex served at work as I woulddn't have been safe if he's been served at home.

How many times has he promised that things would be different, better, how many times ha it been true? What makes you think it would be different this time?

I've been where you are, went back so many times. When I actually left it was after a 3 month hospital stay after he beat me to a pulp and stabbed me. My face took a long time to rebuild.

I didn't think it would happen to me, he was controlling, bad tempered and had spat at me but not hit me before. Please don't let it happen to you. Don't be tempted to go back, it just increases his hold and control over you and makes it that much more difficult to try to get away again.

I have that rock feeling too. But they re not are they? If they d been nice we wouldn't be here, feeling lonely and miserable. They did this. Mine spat at me too - many times and in front of dd on holiday. I am sure you have many many incidents like that to remember. Maybe make a list.

KOKO name

"he managed to contact a solicitor who informed him how unusual and cruel"

We all agree the solicitor said no such thing, right?

ATM, so sorry that happened to you

If DH and I were divorcing, we'd both be thinking how to boost finances to afford two reasonable places for the kids, not threatening each other.

Yeah, he ain't gonna jack in the job.....who's gonna pay for the solicitor he's already consulted??

Also agree that you have NO IDEA what he's planning from reading the emails. Cos he's playing a character with all his might. So all you're getting from the emails are what the character is feeling.

But you're having a normal slump, and tomorrow you may feel differently. So look up at the evening sky and breathe in the evening air.....and pat yourself on the back.

You might also get him reporting sudden onset illnesses or other crises that only you can fix, and possibly suicide threats. I've seen these happen when a family member finally got shot of a narcissistic abuser. The other thing she got was huge inappropriate gifts, vast bouquets, and him finding reasons to have to call round - returning things he claimed to have borrowed etc.

Name you are doing so well. You have kept your responses to him short brief and to the point. You refused to let him manipulate his way in to stating for 'a drink' last night.

I know it's so difficult when he is bombarding you the way he is. You may feel that because he's not shouting it's not harressing you, but it really is.

You have asked him to leave you alone. But he still has no respect for you, so he decides otherwise. After all, your opinions, your thoughts, you, don't (in his eyes) really matter. Only he does.

Well fuck that. You're worth 100000000 of him.

I know it's difficul, and you may have weak moments, but each day you will disengage more, he will matter next.

Keep it up. You are fabulous!

Not sure if this has been suggested already, but could you get a cheap PAYG and put your usual phone in a drawer? Maybe you could get someone to read the messages on your behalf and only pass on what is relevant?

You know he won't change, otherwise you would not have got to this stage.

Take care and really, try not to give him headspace. They are good at that! Even when I was away from my Ex he was in my head?!

Brilliant, thank you so much everyone - gosh ATM that's terrible, thank you for sharing it though - I'm glad you're out the other side but that was an eye opener.

You know whenever I read about physical abuse I never see spitting - everything else but - it actually almost made me doubt that he had been physical with me but of course he has.

Sus14 mine also spat at me on holiday in front of or at least in ear shot of the dd's :(

The thing is - I have got to where I have got to now and even if he had the ability to change, I wouldn't be able to cope with a 'normal' falling out with him. I would feel so devastated that here I am again that I really don't think I would be able to pick myself up from it.

Picking myself has got harder and harder, 'falling outs' so devastating each time - for my own health I can never go back there.

It's ok, I'm going to be stronger tomorrow

Thank you Yonic, it was a long time ago. No mumsnet, police attitude was very different and Lundy Bancroft hadn't started writing yet.

I should have stressed that it all happened not because I left, but because, once again, I went back.

It made him realise that he had demoralised me to such an extent he no longer had to make any pretence, he could treat me how he liked.

It all blew up, unbelievably, because he wa unexpectedly late home from work and his dinner had dried out in the oven, I refused to cook him another one.

That makes complete sense, name. And a good point. Its not all about how he would be, its about how you would be.

You have done brilliantly! You have come so far, and tomorrow is another day and all that. Wishing you all the calm and strength you will need… x