Work Stress? Err don't think so mate!

[thenamehaschanged]

I can't copy and paste a link rather annoyingly - but this is my follow on thread from my original How far can he take the stressed from work excuse?

It burst at the seams with all the fantastic MN support I received and so I have started a new one as I carry on my journey of divorcing my very abusive husband.

And I notice he's saying he's terrified of losing you. Too fucking late you stupid man, you've already lost her. He is living in his own toxic little world of delusion and denial.

He won't change - you know it and everyone reading here knows it. If he loves you as much as he professes to, then why did he treat you so appallingly .. pretty much right up to the day they put the papers in his hand. And then having received them .... he slags you off to your mother on the phone - telling her you've got no friends, you cut and run, you drink too much, you let the kids run wild ...

You've outwitted him and he's a controller. They hate to be outsmarted ... especially by the one who they (think they) control. You've absolutely blindsided him and right now he knows that anger and being nasty to you is just going to make you more determined to see this through so instead he's going for the broken man, devastated, nothing to live for, emotional, heart tugging, give me one more chance, I'll do anything .... 'character'.

I've been where you are and I caved in. All it did was delay the inevitable.

It was the summer holidays and he'd been even more of a bastard than usual. He went out one evening and as soon as the door shut behind him, I threw some things into a bag, got the kids in the car and did a runner to my parents (hundreds of miles away).

He was never off the fucking phone the whole time I was there, which was the best part of a month. This was 10 years ago so mobiles weren't what they are now - no emails etc and besides he knew if he texted or rang my mobile I could just ignore it. So he rang the house phone. This was before I had admitted anything to anyone and I didn't want upset my parents so hadn't told them what was going on. When he called, my mum or dad would answer all cheerfully, pass to the phone to me .... and I'd have to pretend it was all ok.

The bastard was doing exactly what yours is doing now. I love you, it's always been you, there will never be anyone but you, I don't deserve you, it's all my fault, I've treated you like shit, I'll do anything, if you'll just come home, we can make this work, give me one more chance. He'd ring up half pissed and say I'm going to drive through the night to come and get you. He even got his brother to ring me up begging and pleading on his behalf - 'you should see the state of him, he's lost two stone (yeah right, the fat bastard), he can't eat, he can't sleep, he can't work, he's drinking too much, I'm scared he's going to kill himself ... '

In the end I caved and went home. He was on his knees in the hallway as I walked through the door, tears rolling down his cheeks, kept hugging me every five minutes, swearing on the kids lives he was a changed man. It lasted about three months .... before he was back to his nasty, snidey, controlling bastard ways.

Yours won't be any different and as for that bullshit about packing in his job - that's a threat. Just more emotional blackmail.

Name - even if he did turn into Mr Wonderful overnight for real [which as we know isn't going to happen] it would still be more than ok to end your marriage. The marriage is half you, and if you don't want it any more then that is 100% your choice to make.

The next thing will be suicide threats. Just remember that anything is possible with abusers like him.

You can put a permanent 'bounce' on his emails, if you want to. And you can just get a new email and phone and never log into/charge up the old ones. You can because you are now getting divorced and will one day be free.

And we are all coming to your celebration party! Even if it is virtual. x

name you're amazing. You know that this is all a script. Look how many others are saying mine said that! He won't give up his job, he's just trying to scare you, how would his precious sister manage if nothing else?! Enjoy your quiet tonight have a good sleep and KOKO tomorrow. Definately get a cheap payg phone and a hotmail or Gmail account and divert his emails into there. You don't have to read his emails. He is the enemy but he's not that bright so you won't find out what he's planning coz his plan is To wear you down and get you back under his control. You know this, we all know this. Sleep well

Name Remember what my last post ended with
Protect yourself and of course your DCs from being manipulated

If he was the rock you could lean on and rest against none of us would be on this thread would we?
You will have ups and downs, you must acknowledge that this will be the way for now, but face it, up to this point you've been ploughing the downs and no ups

So far so predictable... Dearest OP, how you are feeling is totally normal. Up. Then Down. 'Am I doing the right thing ...?' Mixed in with 'What am I doing to him ...?'

Honestly, lovely lady, you wouldn't be human if you weren't having these feelings. Stand firm, be strong, go with the flow of your emotions, feel sad, feel hopeful, feel sorry, feel up beat .. but stand strong and firm. You have done so well, now is not the time to weaken, because you've got him on the back foot.

All that blather about not being able to do his job - of course he'll throw that into the mix. Wait for : 'Too too depressed to work, moan, whinge, whine ...' Tough. And maybe a veiled threat too, positing that if this happens, no maintenance (as suggested by MNer upthread).

It's tough, yes, and he'll go through the whole gamut of manipulation, but you just go on as you have - pretty well no contact - he must go through solicitors (he says he has one ... hmm).

A final thought - if you find yourself weakening, think about this: just project yourself a few months on, IF you gave him another chance and took him back. Think how it'd be, once the 'honeymoon' period over and there he is, exactly his ghastly revenge and then some ... No? You don't fancy it? Wise lady! You are doing FINE so far - keep the momentum up, 'ride' the awful feelings, don't let them destabilise you. Onwards and upwards. You will win.

Name I've just read this entire thread. I followed your last thread bit not been on mn much recently to read this one.

I am so happy for you that papers are now served. Although sorry to hear you are now feeling so down. This really is the start of the resr of your life, and you and your DDs deserve this.

Name my love, the crash is absolutely normal. You've been running on adrenaline and sheer misery for so long that you were bound to be on some weird artificial high as soon as you took a step forwards. Now, the reality of it all is creeping in, the changes you need to make and what the implications of those are, and it's bound to be utterly terrifying. Coupled with H pressing all the right buttons to get you to think twice - he's saying all the things he know will get to you, as they've worked in the past. You're bound to falter, you're bound to wonder about taking a step backwards as it's the easiest option.

My advice, read this thread, and your earlier one, and remind yourself of what you've been through and what he has continued to put you through. His emails are strong, emotive and persuasive, but built on absolute lies. Remind yourself what you're doing and why, and why you and your darling girls deserve so much more.

Stay strong, be prepared for dark days but don't give up on your plans. They WILL come true and you will have so many more wonderful days than bad ones.

We're all here for you to prop you up and to keep you marching, xxx

You ve done it the right way, I was overly optimistic as usual and tonight been subjected to endless verbal abuse, tears, threats to leave his job, ill break dd s heart- oh and he tore up the mediation booklet. Guess its off to see my solicitor then. And I m going to have to ask my parents if me and dd can
Move in. He is going through EXACTLY the same pattern as yours so it is a pattern.
Sigh
Keep posting and being amazing you're keeping me going, I've got to serve papers yet!

Name, do you know why you have crashed today? Because you finally feel safe enough in your own home. You are no longer on high alert, your body is no longer like a coiled spring; everything has finally, suddenly, had a chance to relax and slump. Your home is now a safe place to be yourself. That is the gift you have given yourself and your daughters. I hope you sleep well tonight and wake up feeling brighter tomorrow.

(Mine threatened suicide/packing in his job/changing his ways - I believed him as much as I believed him all those times he told me he was truly sorry before I left him!)

Name, sorry you had a low day. It's not surprising, you've had a huge emotional ride and it's not over yet. As everyone says, you will feel up and down, and you will question yourself; to do otherwise would mean you were him, without real emotion.

Be ready for suicide threats - the correct response is to tell him you will call an ambulance, hang up and do so.

Also, he is quite likely to suddenly contract a serious, possibly fatal, illness. A heart problem (not specific, usually), or something similar. The correct response is "oh dear, good luck with the treatment." and stop there.

It is inevitable, I'm afraid that he will become nasty again too. And then there'll be flowers and niceness, and the whole thing starts again.

Whatever persona he cloaks himself in at any particular time, remember that it is a persona, and not real. It is just another try at reeling you back in, putting you back in your box, so he can return to his old life, with his compliant wife dancing attendance on him.

Small steps, love. Today was a hard one, but you've got through it, and you got through yesterday too. You will get through tomorrow. Break things down into small steps.

Hello again TheName - it's your voice of sobering reality back (the irony of that statement is not lost on me!).

Divorce is a nasty, horrible, emotional shitty business that brings out the worst in people. Irrespective of whether you chose to issue it, or it was chosen for you, it is quite possibly the most "character-building" process any of us will ever have. I realise that's almost a cliche, but you will come out of this will many things having changed in you, both psychologically and physically.

A huge amount of compassion for others.
A much better understand of who you are.
A much more realistic and reasonable expectation of how to be treated by others.
An awareness of how much you can cope with mentally.
An intolerance for arseholes.

A whole new kit of life skills (never changed a plug?) You'll learn - whatever jobs you used to delegate, you'll acquire a knack for.

A (slightly) enlarged liver.
Several stone lighter.

But the process is brutal. You're now allowed to cry, rant, rage with wanton abandon (in the absence of the children) whenever you want, no matter what.

There's no dickhead to make you feel bad about feeling bad.

So feel bad and accept that under the circumstances that is perfectly okay.

You've just made a very big decision and it's okay to be upset about that - not because you've made a bad decision - you haven't. Just a big one.

Take care. WWK.

Name if you're wavering I suggest re reading your threads.

I think it's easy to see you don't like him - he has been fairly hateful after all. Would you want to be with someone you don't like? :)

Koko, it gets better.

Totally agree with the "crashing because you're safe now" concept.

Hope you slept well, and have a brilliant day today.

Oh everyone thank you, honestly thank you so much, you are like a collective big sister putting me right, bolstering me up haha

Feel absolutely loads better today. I have had a good sleep which I think was the crux of it all yesterday - I just felt plain weird! The solicitor emailed me last night, it doesn't matter if H doesn't sign that he has received the papers in 7 days, he will have a further 21 days and then after that we can just go for it anyway because as I used the serving service, that is proof enough for the court so thankfully I don't need to contact him to ask him to do anything.

He has texted saying he wants to see his kids tonight so I will cross that bridge a little later. I know he's going to push to move back in, absolutely know it and he will exercise his legal rights but again, I will have to cross that bridge when I get there.

All your exact same experiences are just what I needed to read so thank you for sharing and yes he is just trying to delay the inevitable. There's no going back. It's going to be rocky but you don't serve papers on someone at work if you haven't made your mind up! I wasn't 'teaching him a lesson' and hoping for improvements which is how he is viewing it.

Sus14 - I'm so sorry you're right in there too - all you need when you're in this mental turmoil is to be on the receiving end of a load more verbal - rubber stamping yes but it still knocks you all the same. Good luck, you know you need to do it X

Brilliant wwk thank you! I remember calling you sobering haha! You are though, hope you're doing ok

Just thanks everyone - too many names, Font, Jux, Ears, Grandma etc - all your words have picked me up thank you

Name, I know it doesn't feel like it, but just remember, you're already free from him! You never have to go back to feeling as insignificant and as unloved as he made you feel! Your life and self esteem is only going to get better.

Sure, it will be a hard road to travel, even without fuckface's emotional manipulation, but you've done the hardest part already, which is making up your mind. You're already free, you just need to believe that you are.

Cheesy photo...but it's true! You're stronger than your shitty plastic chair of a husband

that's a good one lemon thank you!!

Do you think that the kids seeing him tonight are in their best interests?

Were they upset last night? Did he cry all over them upstairs?

Cos you're their primary caregiver, you get to decide whats best for them.

And if he's going to be blubbering all over them tonight it is not in their best interests. At all.

BTW, delighted you're feeling stronger today.

Hmm yes not sure Anna - I spoke again to my solicitor this morning - she's very much of the 'keep the status quo' ilk. She has said with regards to orders that they are a moving target - so again, while he is being nice, I don't have grounds for one although that doesn't mean I won't need one next Thursday.

Her recommendations are let him see the kids, let him come and be nice, we all are aware I served papers and he has received them so I made a clear point there but I don't need to say anything more on it. I cannot legally stop him seeing them or moving back in if he is behaving 'nicely'

So she is basically saying don't say or do anything inflammatory at this stage.

She confirmed I haven't been deceptive as he was implying. Politely decline any invitations for drinks, don't be drawn on discussions of the future and if he moves back live as separately as possible

Do you have a spare room? I'd imagine he's the type who plans on insisting on sleeping in with the children, planning on poisoning them about why mummy is being mean to daddy..?

I don't agree with her. Once again, she has shown she has zero experience of emotional abuse. You are asking her for non-mols all over the place, and her only response is "let him into the house any time he wants"???

What is inflammatory about informing him that the kids were so upset by his tears last night and need a quiet night tonight?

Good God, this is a man who didn't see them for a week at a time. They stopped asking about him!

He doesn't want to see the kids - he wants to see you and browbeat you with guilt and snot.

And tbh, if you insist on seeing him one night with two people present (though he managed to ignore all your requests) and then turn around two days later with nothing changed and allow him in with no chaperone....then it makes you look like a bit of a pushover, no? He will have already won one battle and set one precedent the right to come into your kitchen and start it all up whenever he wants.

Hmmm I think I would simply reply to him something along the lines of...

"tonight will not be possible as we already have plans in place. The next time the girls are available for you to see them is x y z. Please confirm whether you are happy and willing to collec them from the house at x and return at y"

I would suggest over Sunday lunchtime so he can at least take them for something to eat.

any arguements from him about what you are offering just ignore and repeat "the girls are next available from x until y due to plans already made please confirm blah de blah" repeat ad nauseum.

If he wants to move back into the house then let him take you through the legal process in order to do so. BTW didn't you lose your house keys and have to the get the locks changed today?????

Bloody hell, I'm wondering what your solicitor is thinking. Let your manipulative, abusive husband move back in after you've served him divorce papers? I can't see that going well, and she is mad if she thinks otherwise.

I really think you need to change Solicitor as a matter of urgency to one who has some understanding of abusive relationships..