Work Stress? Err don't think so mate!

[thenamehaschanged]

I can't copy and paste a link rather annoyingly - but this is my follow on thread from my original How far can he take the stressed from work excuse?

It burst at the seams with all the fantastic MN support I received and so I have started a new one as I carry on my journey of divorcing my very abusive husband.

Thank you so much for the pep talk everyone, I'd be lost without you all [talk]

I think I've had the adrenaline crash someone was talking about earlier. I went back to sleep after my first post this morning and then my mum just called waking me up.

She said she always knew what he was capable of but when he phoned her on Tuesday twice, half an hour each phone calls, he gave her a full 10 minutes on the merits of making lists. She was like, err right, ok?

I think I will call my solicitor and see what she says - it's all very well telling him to stay away but legally I'm not sure unless I go for harassment which this obviously is. He's a character that if you get angry with him he blows up ten times harder and scarier so you avoid it by appeasing and that was what he was playing on last night, he knew the two females from the group would appease him.

He said his brother had offered to take the kids on Saturday so that we can talk :( absolutely nobody understands. I think it was Fonella all those weeks that described how harsh she had to be about NC to friends and family. I'm going to have to do the same.

Thank you Band

I'm having to muster the strength again! Now I know why this is going to feel similar to running the marathon

It doesn't mean his brother offered spontaneously - XH probably asked him.

Probably yonic, his brother has never, ever asked to have them before.

Hi TheName, you can ask your solicitor to write him a letter to request he stops contact as a cheaper alternative than going for the full Non-Mol.

Yes, the NC thing does feel very, very harsh but it absolutely has to be done so that they don't mess with your head.

It will calm down eventually. What date eventually is anyone's guess - but KOKO. It's tough, but you will get there.

His brother has probably been pressured into it. In any case it is irrelevant, because your answer is "no". I think contacted your solicitor and getting this harassment stopped is a good first step.

Well done for last night name, seriously

He clearly wanted a chance at playing the wounded innocent party in front of your friend didn't he. Fwiw - If there's a next time tell her not to fall into the trap he is laying.... I know that she knows him too but in this scenario she is there to support you not him - of course she doesn't need to be nasty but just keep it polite and to the point, I'm not understanding why she would agree to him staying for drink under any circumstances, she should have said no.
But to be fair to her - it's possible she's only just started seeing him for what he is.

He's going to step it up name, but you know that and can see it coming. He'll pull on your every heart string and annoy your last nerve. It can feel relentless but you're doing well with it. Keep up your strength and be ready for more headfuckery being thrown your way.

BIL 'offered' to have the kids so he can talk to you - yeah right! more like H asked him to while still trying to manage your life He's not getting it yet....but will.

Your Mum - While I'm glad she CAN see through him - is she going to? Or will she just keep listening to his rubbish then telling you about it. She should, apart from pleasantries, stop the convo if he mentions You/the marriage.

Yes to telling your Sol what went on, keep her up to date. Maybe she could recommend a new solicitor to him - he needs one if the one he's got has 'never heard of such callous treatment' :) :)

Sending you strength and patience today Name.
Take care X

Thank you Carbe I appreciate it

Have you thought about contacting the police on the non emergency number 101? You could explain the situation about the continual texts, ignoring what you've asked etc and saying that you're scared of things escalating and asking their advice on how to deal with it.

Please just ignore his texts and let your mother know that it's alright not to talk to him.

Also delurking, you have shown amazing strength, keep going your doing great

Hi Name

I've been away with no internet access. Back home, what's the first thing I do when I log on? Check my emails? Nah! I come on here and look for your thread!

So glad to hear it's finally happened and yes it was me who described how I went total NC with my ex - shut all the doors - so there was absolutely no way through. That was 10 years ago and I've never had a telephone conversation or a face to face conversation or a text conversation with him since. The only direct communication between me and him from the day I went NC was via email and that was from a separate email address that I kept just for him. My emails were succinct, businesslike and only related to logistical matters. His were the same emotional bullshit that you are currently being bombarded with - practically word for word, but then as I mentioned earlier in the thread, the similarities between your H and my ex are uncanny.

With your mum, it would be best if she didn't speak to him at all, but if she continues to do so - don't let her recount his conversations to you. He calls her in the knowledge that she's going to do exactly that, tell you everything he's said - so don't let her. If she speaks to him that's up to her, but if she tries telling you what he said, shut the conversation down.

In my case I told my parents that if he contacted them I really would prefer it if they didn't talk to him at all. But if they did please not to get into any discussion with him about our relationship, and if they did (against my wishes) then I didn't want to hear about it. He did call, and my mum, bless her heart, cut him dead - telling him straight she wasn't going to discuss it, or pass on any messages to me or anything of that nature. It was my decision and they would be supporting me, their daughter 100%, and please not to call them again.

If anyone attempts to act as any kind of intermediary - telling you what he's said, what he's doing, how he looks, how he's suffering (etc. etc) shut them down. Someone earlier wrote about his 'tentacles' and that's exactly what this is. He can't get to you directly, so he will attempt to get to you via others. Don't let him.

Font
x

Oh hes pulled the crying trick has he? Quelle surprise! I had an ex that did this.

Its harassment Name Twonk that he is!

I think I've had the adrenaline crash someone was talking about earlier
I mentioned that and that you moved on to shock.
Name it's very important that you recognize that you're experiencing normal reactions and that your soon to be Ex is following a well trodden path.
You can and will get through this.

I don't know if it was on your thread or another where I mentioned getting a new web based email address just for his communications and likewise a PAYG sim and tell him that your email and phone number are changed.
That way you can screen his contact to you and only look or listen when you feel up to it.

Protect yourself and of course your DCs from being manipulated

Just want to reinforce what others have just written - it's best if your mother refuses to engage in ANY conversation AT ALL with him. She should just say something on the lines of 'I do not wish to talk with you' and then put the phone down. If she can't resist talking to him, then be firm that she must NOT relate the conversation to you. And should she ignore this and start telling you, inform her that you do not wish to listen and you're disconnecting the call, and if she want to call you back, she is NOT to go on about what he said. You may have to do this a few times before she gets the message.

As to his current tactics -totally predictable, he's going by The Book Of Desperate Fuckwits Who've Blown It And Want To Re-Establish Control... they ALL follow the same script!

'So we can talk'

'No thank you'

Please call 101 about this. It is harassment.

You are doing really well, hang in there xx

Look up the term "flying monkeys" - look out for these.

Grandma Book Of Desperate Fuckwits - harff!

The mistake you made was to stand there and watch this sad sack of shit crying and grimacing. Clothes at the door, then go back, put the TV on and ignore him. Don't for gawd sake stand there and listen to this shit.

He said his brother had offered to take the kids on Saturday so that we can talk

No, I'm off out with the girls on Saturday. Plus, I have no interest in talking. As I am divorcing you.

Name You me and every poster on here and every poor sap that has to deal with him in RL knew he was going to be like this. I would bet my bra strap that this is just the beginning of the three ring circus you are going to be 'entertained ' with over the next few weeks/months BUT ...a while ago, you said you have detached and detached is the only way to be around him. He cares not one jot about you or his DDs. It's him first, last and always. He is a self centred arsewipe of the highest magnitude and the sort of personality that hates to be told 'No' especially by someone he holds in contempt. Sometimes you will feel strong and sometimes you will feel weak. One day you will realise that it was all worth it to get to a point where he has very little relevance in your life. KOKO.

I've been away, just catching up. So so so happy that you've served him and he's out :) :) :)

You can do this, he cant persuade you to do anything, and in even trying to, is showing what an abusive twatbadger he is!

Oh and one other thing. Get a new sim, keep the one you have already to prove his harrassment, and dont give him your new number. And email wise, you should be able to set his address to go into its own folder so you can ignore them until you want to deal with them :)

Koko

Delurking to say: you're amazing! And you're doing brilliantly, but he is still manipulating you. You told him he could collect his things AT A MUTUALLY AGREED TIME and ONLY WITH HIS BROTHER PRESENT.

He led you to believe he wasn't coming last night, waited until 10.30 pm - NOT THE AGREED TIME - when he perhaps thought your friend would have left, and then CAME WITHOUT HIS BROTHER.

You told him he was coming to collect his stuff and NOT to talk or get into any discussion with your friend, but he DID talk and he did get into a discussion with your friend. And he managed to leave without collecting all of his stuff - went upstairs to get things and came back down without them - so he has an excuse to come back again.

You should put it in writing that he broke all the rules you had laid down and he had agreed to, either in an email to him or, preferably, to your solicitor.

You seem to be a lovely person and you still don't seem to want to be rude to him or cause offence. Please, TheName, stop being so considerate of him. You specified rules - mutually agreed time, his brother there, no talking - and he flouted EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM. If you give him an inch, he will take a mile, every time.

So when he says his brother will look after the kids on Saturday so the two of you can talk, you don't need to say anything more than "No, that doesn't work for me." You don't have to justify yourself further. Don't say "I'm going to my parents" or "I'm going out" or anything else. As the saying goes (especially on Mumsnet,) No is a complete sentence.

When he says he wants to come and collect some more of his stuff (which he will) then you should say, he didn't stick to the agreement last time, so next time ONLY HIS BROTHER should come, at a time OF YOUR CHOOSING NOT HIS, and he will not be allowed in, because he overstepped the boundaries last time. If he insists = police.

If he really cared about you and wanted to make this work, he would be very careful to respect your boundaries and do everything you want, in order to get back into your good books. Instead, he is insisting he is still in control by coming without his brother, at an inconvenient time for you & your friend, and totally overstepping the mark.

You have been so strong already, please see this behaviour for what it is - yet another attempt to control you and do everything on his terms, not in a way that suits you.

Name, Mitzimaybe is 100% right. He is still manipulative, still controlling. Of course, he's a master so it's not surprising that he managed it. This is why you need to be unyielding about the rules and your boundaries, and completely uncompromising. So let shl know what happened, and next time maybe just leave stuff outside the door when he's rolling up, with your finger poised on your phone to call the police.

Still, you got through it last night, and though you must have been upset by it, you still sound determined, so very well done to you.

How are the children? Definitely NC for you all for the moment, until shl has laid down the law about last night, and wankface can show he's behaving better (that may mean never!).

No, he can't come and pick up more stuff tonight.

Thank you everyone so much for your wise words hi again Font

I'm in a dark place today. He has told me that if I go through with this there is no way he could continue in his job. He wouldn't be able to do it as he would have nothing to live for.

He wants to do the freedom programme, he wants to change, he can see he has been dominating me and he's terrified of losing me. He's so sorry, he wants help. He had hoped to talk to me last night, wants to tell me how great we could be, how neglected the marriage has been and how he wants to fix that.

I'm not fantastic or strong. I'm weak and boundary less.

The only way I am going to get out of this is by leaving and changing my number. Screw finances. I'm not strong today :(

I can't help but read his emails even though I know I shouldn't but because he is in effect the enemy and I want to know what he's thinking/planning.

My lovely FP lady called me today. She asked me if I thought he could change and I said I really don't know, but judging by past behaviour and past warnings of me wanting to leave, No I doubt it.

She confirmed just as you all and I know that last night was emotional manipulation. She said he was textbook which I know and that a few months down the line after being lovely and so thankful to be back in he will change for the much worse.

My legs have been swept from under me is how I feel today :(

Thanks Jux crossed posts unfortunately.

Thanks mitzi, granmama, beyond, Ribena everyone

Thanks Dinnae hope all ok your end x