Work Stress? Err don't think so mate!

[thenamehaschanged]

I can't copy and paste a link rather annoyingly - but this is my follow on thread from my original How far can he take the stressed from work excuse?

It burst at the seams with all the fantastic MN support I received and so I have started a new one as I carry on my journey of divorcing my very abusive husband.

Hope it went ok name...

Hey guys I'm ok!!

I'm so sorry I didn't get back on here last night. Thank you for your brill messages It was a bit of an eventful evening to say the least!

My friend (who is H's brother's ex wife!) came over at about 8. It was nice, we had dinner and we were under the impression that H and his brother weren't coming - H's brother had told her H had 'sacked it' and I knew this was because of my final email to him. My friend chatted with H's brother on the phone for a bit about it all, he was all cosied up at his flat with his girlfriend, H was at work and it was 10.30pm.

Just as my friend was getting organised to go, I got a text from H saying he's just finished work, is it alright if he comes by and gets his stuff! We were both err what? So I said no, not without your brother as planned - and he came back with well Friend is still there isn't she? Please I really need my things.

Cue panicked call to H's brother who said H was going to his first to pick him up then they'd both be over. So I relaxed a little. 10 minutes later it transpired that H was on his way by himself, H's brother called my friend and said it's ok, he'll be in and out and he knows there's a takeaway waiting for him back at his brothers.

My poor friend was like, right I'll stay and get a taxi when he's gone.

So 10 minutes later there was the dreaded knock on the door. I answered and H was stood there looking like he'd just been shot. His face was in a wounded grimace and he was sort of hunched a bit. He came in and burst into tears, yep! Cue awkward hug from my Friend. He blubbered 'please don't think I'm putting this on' I had to turn away because I was going to laugh. Then he went upstairs.....and woke the kids up

I had some of his stuff by the door - he eventually came back downstairs and burst into tears again. He didn't have any more of his stuff with him. He asked if he could stay for a drink which my friend awkwardly said yes as I said no it's not a good idea. He then started trying to talk to my friend about it all, how he's working so hard, how he knows he has neglected me and just wants things to be back to the old days when we were all happy.

I just ended up saying ok H, ok I'm sorry you're upset but I think you'd better go. And he did.

I am being inundated again this morning. He loves me so much, he has spoken to a solicitor who has 'never heard' of such callous treatment of serving someone unwittingly like that at work, wants to come back round tonight to see the kids, desperately desperately wants counselling, wants to do the male freedom programme, can see now that he has been controlling and wants to learn about it. Will only ever drive calmly from now on. Where's he supposed to go?

Urgh my head. I dropped the kids at school this morning, came back and went back to bed for a bit.

This is doing my head in - you think you have support but then you don't. His brother should have been there too but H obviously wangled it that he wouldn't be.

Send him an e mail telling him that any further visits to the house will be by appointment and with a police presence. Any further e mails will be treated as harassment and reported and if he arrives on the doorstep unannounced he will not be allowed in and the police will be called.

You've asked him for no contact, he's shown he can't do this or keep to any sort of agreement that doesn't suit him.

However ineffective, at least you had someone there last night. Please don't be put in a position where you are on your own with him.

He is making me very cross! He shouldn't have put you in that position, stupid man.

Yes to further emails being harassment etc.

I prescribe some good lungfuls of fresh air and some sunshine this morning

What a bloody carry on!

Thank you, I know - I think he views these divorce papers as some sort of silly lovers tiff! I honestly don't think he realises that he needs to act on them. They can just be ignored, he's too busy for it all.

And he is a Master Manipulator - so plausible and convincing. He is a 5 star abuse genius.

I don't think I am ever going to get rid of him :(

Manipulative shite! Even about something as necessary as having his brother present. He was hoping to corner you on your own and emotionally blackmail you. Eurgh. Stay strong !!!

You will get rid of him Name, keep the faith in yourself. Look how far you have already come. It's going to be like running 3000m steeplechase rather than 100m sprint with no obstacles in the way, but you will do it

This will sink in for him eventually - but don't fall for the "I won't be controlling, i have seen the error of my ways" thing.
Change is so incredibly hard and it rarely lasts.

Agree with him that he should do the freedom program and get counselling - but only so he can be a better father and a better partner to any future woman in his life. it has come too late for you.

You will never trust him fully ever again and no matter what type of miraculous change has been made - the relationship is already damaged beyond repair.

it isn't your job to help him through this process...

I do have one question though? What have you told your children? they must have been very disturbed by his late night shennanagins last night. What do they know?

Ugh the bargaining stage is always the most tedious.. at least at the angry stage you get a little bit of peace.

I think if he comes around again the police will have to be called to have a word with him. The snot fest goes on and on and everybodys head gets done in and everybody hears about what's gone on because that's all he talks about.

He'll try to wear you down and give in to get some peace from it all. Hold firm.

Well H clearly didn't get round to confessing to his lawyer how he's treated you so yes the need for serving papers at a safe distance would be lost on him/her.

You know now you can't rely on BIL (and not sure your friend was a very effective guard dog in last night's scene) but you are doing well Name it is a new experience for H to be on the back foot.

Delurking to say - don't let him wear you down. This is all just part of his manipulation.

Maybe it is time to ring the police and get them to talk to him? Surely all these unwanted emails qualify as harassment? I'd report him if I were you. It might bring home the seriousness of the situation to him. He doesn't seem to be able to accept that he is no longer in control of you.

You say you don't think you'll ever get rid of him and he isn't taking it as a divorce, but.....

He has consulted a solicitor

Make no mistake, underneath the snot is someone taking care of himself.

Where are we with the non-mol? Would it cover emails?

Cos this spamming is harrassment. And there's nothing in place to stop him continuing.

At the very least, please consult your solicitor about unwanted written contact and what you can do.

This is how manipulation works so well on a subconscious level, you've already said " I'm not going to get rid of him am I " rephrase to I have to and will get rid of him. Don't ever doubt for a second because that's the chink in your armour and he knows it.

Your mate should not have said yes to drink or given him a hug, he's blowing smoke up her arse and she fell at the first hurdle, be on your guard till this is finished. It's not going to be quick or easy but it will be over at some point, remember this will end eventually. He cannot keep this level of mental mind games up if he does he will end up at the docs or on a psych ward, oh and that's probably going to be the next instalment.

Remember the film jungle book where the snake is wrapped around the tree trying to hypnotise Mogli and his eyes go round in circles? That's him but sheer khan comes along and grabs his tail well that's us, if you ever doubt your doing the wrong thing, re read your posts otherwise it will be you in the psych ward and he would have won.

")

Oh and don't rely on the bloody brother for anything. He's useless.

Hang on in there

So far, all so predictable. Tears, sobbing, 'crushed' face. Twat. Don't waste a millisecond's sympathy on him. He's been utterly horrible to you and HE WON'T CHANGE. I know you won't weaken - because if you did, you, sensible, lovely lady, just KNOW it'll be same old same old in a few weeks or months at the most ... he'd think 'goody, I've WON and now, by Christ, I'm going to PUNISH name, and how ...'

You are doing wonderfully. I would, were I you, give the Police (and your lawyer) a heads-up about last night's 'performance' and yes, it IS harassment if he keeps up the pathetic me me me texts, emails, whatever. It must be reinforced that it's communications between lawyers only. As for turning up again to collect the rest of his crap, you need stronger reinforcements to be with you - and, preferably, just them, you keeping out of the way. Better still, he sends someone to pick up his rubbish, he doesn't come himself.

I'm afraid that your friend last night, lovely though she was to be with you, let the side down a bit by giving him a drink, and a hug ... (bleugh!) Distant, chilly and business like is needed, NOT pandering to his fake histrionics.

Meant to add, please don't feel you won't ever get rid of him - you bloody WILL. Just needs nerves of steel for a bit - he's in the 'poor lil ole me, I'm so sad and hurt' strategy right now - this will very soon segue into 'I'm really REALLY angry' and then 'I'm going to make things SO difficult re divorce, money etc. etc.'

But be reassured and stand firm. YOU have all the ammunition and you will win, get your divorce. Stay remote from him, keep in insisting on communication through lawyers. DON'T engage with him at all. I repeat:
HE WON'T WIN!

I suspect everyone, in the 1st week after serving, thinks "Oh God, he's not going to let me go".

It is a termporary reaction - this is the rollercoaster part. I know WellWhoKnew had some brilliant analogy that was similar.

Delurking to call him a selfish twat for waking up your kids. It's still all about him. He wasn't so worried about seeing the girls a couple of weeks ago when he pissed off to Scotland (I think) for the weekend meaning he went two weeks without seeing them at all despite not being far away at all.
He's realising far too late what he's lost and he'll grieve for it - tough, he had his chances.
Of course he's going to be sad, his life will change for the worse whereas yours can and will only get better and better, just remember that he caused this in the first place.
Ooh sorry, Ive ranted a bit there but his actions have made me mad!
Hope you're ok this morning, stay strong

Your friend is his ex-SIL?

I'm glad she was there but maybe someone who is 100% your friend with no links to him if you ever need to do anything like this again. But hopefully you won't.

You will get away. Even if he was the best husband ever, you are allowed to divorce him for no other reason than you don't want to be his wife any more. (And you have so many other reasons too)

Already he is eroding your boundaries - coming into the house on his own, going upstairs to wake the kids, pestering you with emails etc despite being told not to harrass you. He is trampling all over you and as a result you are thinking you will never get rid of him.

You really need to go No Contact and contact the police next time he harasses you - its like ripping a plaster off, much more effective IMO.

Perhaps pack the rest of his wardrobe and toiletries and have them by the door, or deliver them to his brother's place?

I am glad for you that the first day/night is over. I understand why you allowed him to change the plan-(just to get it over with?), but you really are justified in making an appointment time stick to within a thirty minute window. Getting his stuff is an administrative task, nothing more. Your friend meant well, but having a friendship/family tie relation to your ex made it too difficult for her to tell him to sod off in the moment.

You are absolutely brilliant in seeing through his master thespian clinic.

What his lawyer said...He is clutching at straws because you have him completely figured out. Imho, it has unnerved him that you do not care what he thinks anymore (more awesomeness on your part!), So he will invoke the fabricated "opinions" of God knows who else (and probably God as well) to big up his side. Smoke and mirrors.

(((big hugs)))