Work Stress? Err don't think so mate!

[thenamehaschanged]

I can't copy and paste a link rather annoyingly - but this is my follow on thread from my original How far can he take the stressed from work excuse?

It burst at the seams with all the fantastic MN support I received and so I have started a new one as I carry on my journey of divorcing my very abusive husband.

I have to say name that its becoming clear by his verbosity that the greatest weapon you have is silence. Cos he can't handle it. He is getting increasingly desperate to pull you into a conversation he can win. By any means.

No Contact seems to be his Achilles Heel.

Good! Take aim and fire!

Oh Mumsnet you brilliant collection of people, I laughed out loud at him morphing into Barbara Cartland and hiring a rugby team for the handover hahaha!!

I think I may copy your letter word for word Twink, thank you!!

Yep agreed Anna thank you

And yes agreed re not reading the emails now - I just had to post them because they are so funny!

And I'm not internalising any of it - I have detached.

He's such a twunt. You're coping admirably name, go you!

This is part of the cycle of abuse. .. just done from a position of real desperation. Remember how he would reel you back in after an argument? This is the exact same thing and before too long it will be back to the nasty stuff.
I can imagine getting the same email. .. but not a single word about being a good mother. I suspect he has accused you ofbeing a bad mum too many times to expect you to believe it. Plus he won't want that in writing.

This is obviously crunch time for us.
For him.

By definition divorce means no more "us".

Was it just me? Email 4 sounded like a funeral eulogy.

And #7: you are cool...You don't fit in but you are cool. Wtf

Very astute, whatdoesittake48, excellent point.

He loves you because you are good at job interviews? WTAF?

OP, you are well shot. I am in awe.

I admit to snorting loudly that one of his first points is that you're 'kind to hamsters'. Does he think of you as a small child? You bet he does, one he thinks he can manipulate and pat on the head to keep in line!!

Good luck OP.

Absolutely whatdoesittake! I've heard this all before actually but next to each one of those points I could write the negative, spiteful things that he really means.

Actually, I've never amounted to anything, I'm ugly on the inside, I should have been focused on him instead of my job, I'm thick, i'm like a 16 year old, I 'think' I'm cool, I'm not worth responding to when I speak as I have nothing interesting to say, I'm not allowed to be interested in cooking, I'm never there for him, I'm an alcoholic and he can't relax on a night out with me in case I say something wrong, my family are shit and why I am like I am, I have no interests and to put his arm round me would feel fake.

That's the real him.

And where the fuck karaoke and my singing has come from I have no idea, we went on a boozy Karaoke night out with friends about 8 years ago - yes it was a laugh but I am not a karaoke enthusiast haha! it's him who loves all that shite.

Haha thanks mackerel and pragmatic! Agreed

TheName: I would advise you in the strongest terms possible NOT to be present this evening when he calls to pack and take his things. It would be much safer for you to have your friend there alone and for her to call you when the coast is clear. He's going to make a fuss and do his best to upset the children. In fact, I'd get his shit packed up and ready by the front door now and just get your friend to hand them over and not let him in the house. I fear things are going to get very ugly very quickly.

All of his email correspondence has been written for an audience. And that audience does not necessarily include The Name.

Can he not go and live at his sister, after all he does pay the rent there .

I would bag up as much as you can of his clothes/personnel items. I maybe inclined to take photographic evident of what he has taken and leave outside/shed at a set time tonight and have your dd's stay elsewhere in case he kicks off because you do not want to talk or see him.

I'm also betting if you say come between 7 & 8 pm he not come on principal he will turn up early or late just to spite you. I would also text his brother with time so he know and is not swayed by you Ex.

I would maybe inclined to take photographic evidence

Oh he is a delight isn't he? Keep the email, give it to your shl, and also your reality check in your recent post just up there, so she gets a good picture of what he actually means.

You are witty and funny and strong though. And I bet that you're a fab cook too, and that your parents are pretty awesome. So he has inadvertently told the truth. Shame he couldn't behave like that when you were together.

Do not engage!

Much as it's tempting, he's trying to provoke a reaction. Your reaction should be radio silence as that's the exact opposite of what he wants, reason enough in itself

Stick to a factual, response advising when he can get his things and advising you'll have your own intermediary and any further communication should go through your solicitor.

I agree with not being there, take the kids out for a pizza or something.

If you are going to be there, record it. Bag it all up and have it at the door [do that anyway before you go for a pizza]. If you do go out, get your friend to record it all.

Oh thename you are amazing!

Just a thought about email, could you set up a new account for everything else, put an auto forward on your account for everything except him, as if you give him a new address he'll have 2 email accounts to bombard with his shitty ramblings?

Koko you wonderful woman.

Delurking to say you are awesome, I agree with pp who said don't send anything other than bare bones practical info when absolutely necessary. Any explanation or comment on his behaviour will have him rolling his sleeves up. Be kind to hamsters but not to dirty rats!

Thank you so so much for the fist bumps everyone

I really appreciate all the 'you're fantastic and amazing' comments, they give me a big smile but it's not easy to believe and I would say to anyone in this situation that 9 years ago I was anything but strong or fantastic. It has taken a long time to get here, a long time to detach and to see things really for what they are, in fact I'm not fully there yet on that front, only last month I have been having my eyes opened and realising things - I started this thread still unsure of what was happening in my marriage but sure enough that things 'weren't right' and so had booked a preliminary meeting with a solicitor.

I never, ever thought I would have the strength to finally end it. I had reached the point of sobbing hopelessly into my pillow or in the bathroom literally thousands of times, dreaming of it finally being over but then the fear of 'getting the ball rolling' and 'what the hell will I do financially' and 'what the hell will his reaction be' plus him then turning back on the charm as you have all seen brought me straight back down to the bottom of the pit again.

But, and this is a big thing to say about an anonymous forum in terms of somebody's precious and real life on this planet - if it hadn't have been for Mumsnet, all the worldy advice and experience here, the links to fantastic articles and books, the absolutely amazing support which I have really been falling back on - then I really don't think I would have got this far, I really don't.

It's been that and reaching out for support, recognition from the solicitor that I am doing the right thing, getting into the freedom programme and asking my GP for counselling. This has been where the strength inside has been building very gradually every day, this and recognising (with the help of MN!) that a wobble is just that. A wobble, and to KOKO

That aside, H might not be coming round tonight now, so dirty pants it is for him tomorrow then

I am just at his emails.

OMG he really is a complete nutter!!!!!

Well done, you've been amazing and a real inspiration

Can he not go and live at his sister, after all he does pay the rent there

What Cluttersays.

I think it's dangerous to rise to any bait so very glad you are not gracing his ridiculous emails with a detailed response.

name you have done this on your own, not one person in this forum can take credit, this had to come from you, you got your plans in action, you saw the solicitor, you started realising what an abusive asshole he is. You did and you kept calm and practical and now you're giving your girls the best chance of a fabulous life that you can. You're also teaching them about good relationships. You ARE AMAZING!!