Work Stress? Err don't think so mate!

[thenamehaschanged]

I can't copy and paste a link rather annoyingly - but this is my follow on thread from my original How far can he take the stressed from work excuse?

It burst at the seams with all the fantastic MN support I received and so I have started a new one as I carry on my journey of divorcing my very abusive husband.

Sounds like he needs a dictionary to understand the meaning of the words "do not contact me" and "harassment".

My abusive ex was just as 'poor little me' when I left him. It was equally out the blue, he had no idea, blah blah crap blah. I asked him how he could not have known when I had written him a four page letter laying out how unhappy I was just a couple of months before I left him. Turns out he hadn't read it because it was too long...

Stay strong name, you're fantastic!

Ha ha ha ha ... having a distinct feeling of déja vu here .. almost word for word the messages I got from fuckface when I threw him out back in the late 1990s, after a two year 'relationship'. They're all so bloody predictable, aren't they? Name, you are doing BRILLIANTLY. Don't engage, don't email/text/phone/meet, apart from saying he has to communicate through lawyers.

Just one thing - you mentioned maybe getting him to pick up his crap when the Police were there, as in 9.15 p.m. ,because Police said they'll visit at 9 p.m. But please don't rely on Police being there on time and you don't want to be in a position when they haven't turned up but fuckwit has.

If he comes with his brother, be prepared for a perfect storm of crocodile tears, entreaties, accusations, apologies ,promises, thing-about-the-children, can't-we-make-it-work pleas, all sorts of tugging-on-heartstrings bilge ... as the fabulous MN saying goes, 'No' is a whole sentence. Absolutely refuse to engage - maybe best of all, leave it to him and his brother to sort out his crap while you stay in any room except the one they're in. Better still, get a friend to be with you.

Name how would you feel about making a new email address and giving him that so any communications sent to you were all in one separate place and easy to reference if you need to?
That would also mean that you only need to check the account at a time convenient to you and if he keeps sending mail then it needn't interfere with your day.

Similarly get a free PAYG sim card and give him a new mobile number too, then any texts are stored separately.

This way you could really compartmentalize his contact with you.

KOKO you're doing well. Above all else you and the girls are the important people in this and anything else comes after

Yeah - out of the blue, thought he could keep on abusing you and you would put up with it, he can spit at you and your distress is so nothing to him that he doesnt even notice it! You've been distressed by his behaviour for months and he didn't care enough to notice.

Don't fall for the 'you are not doing enough to save this marriage' - you don't need to. You don't need an excuse or reason to leave and divorce.

More manipulation, more crap, more bullshit, Name. You know your H's game play by now, the papers have been served, so he is under no illusion that you have slipped from his grasp. He will turn it all on now to try and get you into a position of a face-to-face discussion with him. Under no circumstances are you obliged to meet with him. You have discussed this with him over and over and over again in the past, and he has always responded by being an abusive twat. Do not fall for this now, you hold all the cards, and you hold the balance of power. You have decided the next steps of you marriage for him, and he will be anxious to regain the power that he thought he had over you. Do not capitulate. Do not pass Go and collect $200. Do not meet him

Better still, get a friend to be with you.

I agree with this in terms of H coming to pick up some stuff. Ask someone to be with you, and sort out 2-3 dates/times when they can be available. Psychologically, a guy (A big scary one? How physically threatening are H and his brother?) is preferable, if he is going to come with his brother. Then email these dates/times to H and tell (not ask) him to pick one. This keeps the ball firmly in your court yet again.

Thank you everyone!!

Right I've got a good friend coming over tonight so she will be here with me for when he and his brother arrive - I haven't responded to H yet but God I have been here time and time and time again with him.

He is being the persuader absolutely - and yes I am prepared for it being the perfect storm of crocodile tears, manipulation, Christ knows he may throw the full Broadway show at us...or he may go quietly - seriously doubt it though. He might ask to speak to me alone away from our friends, I will refuse on the grounds of requesting no harassment contact.

I will stay firm. I am right, he is wrong.

Fag time!

Good idea zazzles though unfortunately don't know any big scary men apart from H haha!

Ah well, 'tis all food for thought .

Wow, just caught up. You are doing amazingly, so strong and logical in the face of so much utter bullshit!
You know, people will think of your story and use it to give them strength when they face their own issues head on

Hes anxious about seeing the girls????? from the man who spent ages in his shag pad away from them and wouldnt come to see the daughter who had been to hospital???????? Mention this to your solicitor Name.

Does your mobile phone record. Its just an idea but you could set it to record when he pulls up outside tonight. To record him being abusive if he starts. Prick!

I will stay firm. I am right, he is wrong.

Good, you have every right to stick to your convictions, and there is nothing he can say at this point which will change anything. The time for discussion has long passed, and he has squandered his opportunity to fix the marriage when he had the chance.

Absolutely and positively stick to your guns, Name.

Email number 4 peeps! Edited slightly obviously but here goes

Hi Name,

If it is ok to email you?

I just wanted to send you this. I'm not expecting it to affect much. But i wanted you to know at least some of the many things i love about you. In times of stress - we have both focused on a lot our weaknesses and failings - but last night i lay awake and started writing a mental list of why i love you and do not want to give up on us without at least a discussion or help.

1. You are a very kind person. You have a very loving nature. You show great affection to the kids, hamsters, dogs and people in general.

1. You are very generous. Our money affairs have been all over the place in these past years but throughout it all - you never complain about money spent. Also - when pepole come to stay etc or impose - you always make them very welcome.

1. You are beautiful. I have always fancied you and will never stop fancying you. You seem bewildered as to why i do not stray. It a small part of it is down to having a beautiful wife. Who i love.

1. You are clever. You do the most amazing work in your job. You are brilliant at what you do. And you do it well. People's lives depended on you and you coped and got the job done. You are brilliant at job interviews too. You always go in confident and get the job.

1. You are strong. When the credit crunch kicked in - we had to dig deep. It was very stressful and very dark times. You got us through. You managed the finances and helped us survive.

1. You have a brilliant sense of humour. This is one of my favourite things about you. I love that we share the laughs (because there have been laughs). I love watching big brother, Frasier, etc with you. I will never find someone as funny and fun loving in this way again. Never.

1. You are cool. You did not fit in at The last place we lived because nearly every one there was square. You are cooler than that.

1. You are quick witted. In the conversations we have (even the ugly ones) you display a very sharp wit. It can be very funny or hurtful depending on the conversation - but it is impressive none the less :O/

1. You are a great cook. Like your Mum, you make the most wonderful meals. Your roast chicken and potatoes is awesome, as is everything you do.

10. You are very dependable. You have always been there for me. I am sad i've had to depend on you so much but have alway be confident in my ability to change this.

11. You are a good laugh on a night out. Something we have rarely had the chance to do recently. But when you party, you party. I am so sad we might never go to karaoke together again. I love your singing.

12. You are a good singer. I am very bad. Even the kids have picked up on this.

13. You have a great family. Your Mum and Dad are wonderful people. What they have done for us over the years and most recently with the house is breath taking.

14. You are very creative. You never get a chance to show it but we both know you are.

15. You are adventurous. You took us to Amsterdam and we had an amazing holiday. Where others flock to Euro Disney you found us somewhere amazing. And we had a great time.

16. I love you. This is obviously crunch time for us. So i want to stress that over and above everything that's been said or done. I love you Thename. It's not just the kids, house, job, living arrangements - it's you. I cannot ever imagine being with someone else.

"ooh I know how to get name back in line! I'll praise her for all the things I previously claimed she was rubbish at, and I'll also chuck in the fact that I still fancy her. How can she possibly resist?!?"

Knob.

Manipulation and harassment. And when the fancy words dont work he will be abusive again.

Words are cheap Actions speak louder than words and he has already sealed the death of the marriage with his actions!

I just want to add re the cooking, I wasn't allowed to spend longer than half an hour cooking, my chicken and potatoes I.e a roast which takes longer than half an hour was scowled at and sulked about and so I stopped making them.

I like to party? Yeah like all the other alkies I guess.

Beautiful? Beautiful but in need of a gastric band?

He fucking hates my parents, and me!

Too fucking little too fucking late and all lies.

Yep, Email 4 is an attempt to emotionally blackmail you, as the other persuasions have not worked. Do not fall for the emotional guilt tripping that he has foisted on you. He has figured that his usual manipulations are not working, so is now laying on the compliments thick and heavy - an emotional blackmailing/abuse tactic. Bet it works really well with his boss .

In fact, if you can, stop reading his emails altogether. Depending on what email system you are on, you might be able to set up a folder just for his emails so that you don't see them or some sort of redirect to a new email address. Others might be able to help you out on this.

Delurking to say the one thing that stands out in that email is that on the surface it's about you, but it is actually all about him. Every single point is how your presence in his life benefits him. From cooking to money to your parents, NONE of it is about your wants, needs, dreams.

Stay strong, don't let him get into your head again.

He's just pissed off his housekeeper's gone awol, and clearly thinks flattery will get him everywhere.

I think perhaps you should make clear to him that it's over for good. I understand why you said it but saying you weren't 'ready' to meet him yet gives him hope that you will, and he won't stop bombarding you to that end.

Something like this:

Dear cockwomble,

As you keep requesting to discuss, I feel I need to make the position clear. To let you continue hoping there is any chance of reconciliation would be cruel.

I have ended the relationship because I found you to be abusive, controlling and unpleasant. Nine years of unkindness, bullying, angry rants and other unreasonable behaviour have finally killed the love I had for you.

I do not love you anymore. There is no prospect of our ever getting back together. Nothing that you can do or say will change anything now.

I'm sorry to speak in such terms but I sincerely hope that this will help you see the reality of the situation.

Please stop contacting me and direct all concerns to my solicitor.

Best regards,

name

OMG he's morfed in to Barbara Cartland and is now writing for Mills & Boon, it's all breathy and gushy he thinks he's fecking Heathcliffe and your Cathy ffs.

Sorry op I need a shower after reading that, gird ya loins lovely save and print off he's in fast forward it won't be long till the shitty ones start coming.'hes doing you a favour by committing all this to writing so you have proof. Do not let him in the house or his brother.

hello de-lurking to say that you are a remarkable woman, I started reading this thread at the very beginning and how strong you are now compared to then is incredible. I'm still cheering you on and will keep cheering as you get through this next difficult phase and on to the peaceful life you deserve.

(FWIW I can certainly think of more than 16 reasons that he's a bone fide wank-badger )

Sending you a Teflon coat, Name. Anything he says/writes will just slide right by you. Do not internalize any of it.
I am at him involving your parents as well. Fact is- your parents are, ahem, were not a party to your marriage. They have zero influence on these proceedings. Perhaps they told him that-stating the obvious- and thus his altered perspective.
This just reinforces the dynamic that he had you in the role of a child. Bit ironic, him running to 'tell on you' though isn't it?!

Well done on the conversation with dd1 .

Rent a Rugby team for the handover.

Put some happy music on and dance to use up some of that adrenaline. Redecorate your bedroom too: New sheets first thing.

So basically......he is saying you're AMAZING IN EVERY WAY but at the same time NOT NORMAL for wanting to dump his ass.

But we mustn't apportion blame! Nonononoooo.....Cos that might mean he may have to shoulder some. And I don't see any trace of that in his emails!

Manipulative fucker.