Work Stress? Err don't think so mate!

[thenamehaschanged]

I can't copy and paste a link rather annoyingly - but this is my follow on thread from my original How far can he take the stressed from work excuse?

It burst at the seams with all the fantastic MN support I received and so I have started a new one as I carry on my journey of divorcing my very abusive husband.

Right I'm back. My solicitor is calling at 9.30.

Just to say first -

Curly, thank you, you will be don't worry if I can do it after 9 years ANYONE can!!

Great advice Garlic, DD1 and me talk about what is nice and not nice behaviour from him and she knows not to expect that from future partners - me getting out now further rubber stamps that for her

Good for you Sus, it is so sneaky turning to our parents and not involving their own - best best of luck with your divorce

Nice point Silence! Autumn always was one of my favourite times of year and now will have real special meaning! I hadn't thought of that!

Boris, the school have told me to email in with my concerns so I will after I've spoken to my solicitor

Well, the FP lady did say he would be the persuader first, no doubt followed by the bully when persuasion doesn't work. And she's right so far.

I'll speak to my solicitor and then I'll be back with what she says.

Serving papers was never going to be the end of it with this one was it!!

Daffs, Jux Thank you X

I'm feeling ok at the moment

Pack him a bag (full of enough of his stuff to ensure he has no reason to mither you for a good long time) and drop it at his brother's whilst he's at the meeting.

That'll be enough of a response. And inform 101 that despite you requesting he doesn't harrass you he is continuing to. Build up a pattern with them.

And WELL DONE!!!!

For the love of God!

What is there to talk about face to face that can't be thrashed out through a solicitors letter? The head-wrecking guilt trip, thats what!!

And he will take the opportunity to get you to verbally agree to certain contact arrangements with the kids. And he'll tell you how reasonable it is to do X,Y & Z with the house!

And you will come out of that "meeting" totally mushed and spinning around, feeling shattered and wondering what the Hell you've agreed to and how to get out of it???

I know you're not going to meet him anyway - am just staggered by his audacity. "Oooh, if I write a conciliatory email and give her the puppy dog eyes she'll meet me and I can get the upper hand here!"

Oh and what manipulative BULLSHIT to be all "Your mum says we need to talk....."

Doesn't anyone what divorce is? It means never having to talk face to face again!!

Just ask your solicitor to send him an email stating all future contact to be via his lawyer and yours. Then drop off his stuff. Let the legals sort this outand don't get hoovered. It is to easy when you feel vulnerable to be convinced Black is white.

I'd also ignore but pack a bag and leave it at his brother's house. You really, really have no obligation to talk to him at all, especially after that email filled with patronising bullshit. Grown up conversation my arse. Where was all his grown up conversation when he was bullying you and manipulating you and living in his shagpad all week long? Xx

The cheeky fucker, to write such an email after the way he has treated you. I agree with every word that has been written by posters since you posted his email for us to see. Why on earth would you want to meet up with the idiot so that he can berate you, blame you, and generally treat you like shit. The balance of power in your relationship has shifted big time and boy does he hate it.

YY to packing him a bag with enough stuff to last him the rest of his life and dropping it off somewhere maybe a local canal.

Do try to get the situation with school sorted ASAP.

And don't forget that mediation is strongly advised against, with abusive men.

KOKO chuck, you are doing so well, and remember the MN mantra - 'ignore, ignore, ignore'.

bbf x

It would be perfectly straightforward to pack some suitcases and have them delivered by courier either to his work-place or his brother's home when someone is there to receive them. Taking anything anywhere that he might be is a non-starter, obviously.

Don't "pack him a bag"

Empty his stuff into bin bags.

"Pack me a bag" is what lazy husbands ask their wives to do.

Remember that good old quote 'No is a complete sentence'.

You do not have to explain the whys and the wherefores to him.

I'd pack him a case by emptying his belongings into suitcases, no folding or any of that shit and have them couriered to his office.

Hi the Name,

Good to read you're still with us! Scary times. Your solicitor in her own way, is right to try to keep things as calm and composed as possible - because the more you inflame him, the more he'll feel compelled to retaliate, the costlier it gets... However, your safety and that of your children, cannot be compromised, so you know your situation best and have great advice on here.

I lived in fear of STBXH turning up unannounced for weeks and weeks. He never did. Thankfully.

I think you will have to contact him regarding his belongs (I did this within the first 24 hours...and that was the first of many refusals to retrieve them!).

My own solicitor, felt, given that STBXH argues about everything, he would run up most costs on small matters of which there was no financial benefit (e.g. his fucking clothes) so very occasionally I do contact him on matters of practicality. I expect to get a lot of shit back. It's not pleasant but I'm getting used to it.

You are expected to behave with total decorum in divorce, despite the brutal behaviour of the other, so don't get sucked in! It's freaking frustrating though. It only matters if you should get to a final hearing, which most people don't, so don't jeopardise anything now.

Asked him politely to email a list of what he considers essential for his needs at the moment, pack it up and courier it to an address with a 'Man With A Van'. Re-iterate that you don't think it's good for him to come to the house at the moment. That simple and unemotional.

You will get a load of shit back - and on that, ignoring is the best policy. It's fucking hard though...

Glad you're doing okay.

Ooh right thank you everyone - hi wwk yes still here!!

So, the solicitor has said to tell him that he can come and collect his things but only at an arranged time and there must be a third party present. (Because I have to be here too) she felt this is the most reasonable, least inflaming offer.

I think couriering his things to work would really piss him off and no doubt I would have forgotten things he needs which would keep him in touch over it, and I don't have his brothers address.

So I emailed him this -

I am not ready to meet you for coffee.

You can come and collect your things but at a mutually agreed time and there MUST be a third party present, I.e your brother.

No response thankfully.

The police have called, they're coming to see me on Friday night at 9pm! (Drat, no wine haha!) and I am composing a letter to the head at the girls school now regarding safeguarding - nothing inflammatory or worrying, just that I am always to be there when they are collected, even if H turns up.

everyone

I'll make sure I have someone here too for when that happens - the police?! I'll suggest he comes at 9.15pm on Friday haha

Oh and by saying 'I'm not ready to meet him' I am being calming - I have absolutely no intention of ever,Meyer meeting him somewhere alone - don't worry about that!

Bloody predictive text Ever, Ever!!

Hi Name, just caught up with your thread - bloody brilliant! Your thread is a textbook case of how to serve your H with papers in a safe and secure manner. Good on you for having all your ducks in a row, and then implementing your plan accordingly. Your H's assertion that you aren't a good planner is wrong and idiotic. I would also add implementation skills (ie the doing bit) to your list of capabilities .

Email number 2 everyone!

Hi ok,

I'm a bit in limbo here. This has come as such a shock - and i'm not very prepared for it.

Can i come by tonight with My brother to pick up some things? - although i'm really not sure i can suddenly pitch up at his place and start living with him and his girlfriend (it's a one bedroom flat).

I can try to work something out but was hoping to talk to you to understand what next steps etc might be - and time scales.

Do you have a feel for how long it will be before we can talk? I appreciate this is not an easy question but i'm desperate to understand why this has all come about like this. As i recall - we discussed seeing councilors, working at the marriage, you going back to work, me working less, making a go of things. The arguments we've had since (although not nice) have never felt like they threatened this. Just on Sunday i was saying how we should get thinking about councilors etc.

I just feel that this is not normal Thename. I've went to work thinking everything's ok - (ok not ideal but on track) - only to be served papers at my office. When (as is completely understandable) i ask to discuss/talk about this - i'm told not to talk to you or come back to the house until further notice. You're leaving me in limbo and in hell. It's very cruel and very unfair. You always say how much of a nice person you are - but how can you treat someone like this. It's horrible. Can't you at least have the decency to talk to me? Do you know what it's like being asked to not come back to your family. It's horrific. I'm really anxious about seeing or not seeing the kids. Do you at least know when this might be possible?

Yours

Cockwomble

Thanks zazzles

It's a huge game of chess name move and counter move, don't engage and deal through shl only. This is just the start wow if you can get through the this then the zombie apocalypse will be a piece of piss as they say

And now email number 3

Last time we agreed we'd try and explore (no guarantees of success) with councilors etc,.

We agreed this.

We did.

You and me.

Since then we've had (lets not apportion blame to either here) a few arguments and bumps.

But this is because we have both did nothing to work on the marriage and improve things.

Nothing.

We have either not got round to it, or not wanted to.

If i knew for a second that you were feeling this way (in the bigger picture of things) i would have pushed us to seek help.

I called The counsellor remember. I love you and i want to make us work. It's too easy in my view to throw it all away with at least seeing 1 councilor. Just one.

Now i'm being told divorce - no chance to talk, explore options, nothing?

Not just for me, but for The girls - don't we all deserve the chance to at least discuss?

twatchops

Anxious about not seeing the kids? Yeah right, didn't seem to bother him when he had his shag pad! Cockwomble is definitely the right name for him!

Keep strong name, you're doing great.

It's like FW bingo, honestly those emails could have been from mine - particularly the element of how cruel you are, and all the guilt tripping about the girls. All part of his game.

Christ it's like reading my break up with the ex. I'm knackered just thinking about it. They really do come put with the same shit don't they?

Stand firm OP.. It might get a bit bumpy yet.

oh and the shit about how it's not normal - trying to make you seem unhinged. I get a lot of that, and it's hard to take when you're already spaghetti brained with the abuse. But your actions are totally thought through and rational, so he is utterly wrong.

Jeez...catching up on this. There is nothing in his emails to show concern for his DC. The latest email shows he is already starting to get nasty....he can never keep up the nice persona for long

You are being brilliant - keep it up.