Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Work Stress? Err don't think so mate!

999 replies

thenamehaschanged · 02/09/2014 18:49

I can't copy and paste a link rather annoyingly - but this is my follow on thread from my original How far can he take the stressed from work excuse?

It burst at the seams with all the fantastic MN support I received and so I have started a new one as I carry on my journey of divorcing my very abusive husband.

Thanks
OP posts:
Outflewtheweb · 23/09/2014 22:25

Does your mum recognise that he's talking bollocks? I wonder what he thinks she's going to do with this 'information' - tell you to stop being a silly girl and do as you're told? What a fuckface he is.

Sandthorn · 23/09/2014 22:25

You're doing great, OP. Go easy on the celebratory wine - you're going to need a clear head in the days to come. He's not going to gracefully accept defeat, so steel yourself for all manner or tricks and attempts at emotional blackmail, trying to get you to engage with him. Sounds like he's already thrown a few, but you've already given him more information than you ever owed him. I don't believe that the papers were unclear about how he should respond, but if he needs legal advice, he should speak to a lawyer. If he needs a place to live, he can ask his sister: she certainly owes him one! And if he's in emotional distress, he can speak to his parents, or his friends, or the Samaritans... Frankly ANYONE BUT the wife he has abused.

Keep your girls close right now. I don't mean physically close, but try to keep communicating with them. Talk to the FP coach about how. Warn their teachers about what's going on: it might not be you they choose to talk to about it, and it would be good to have someone in school keeping an eye out for any signs of stress. I expect, at some point, your ex (yes! He is your ex now!! Grin ) will try to poison them against you... Maybe the story about drinking, maybe blaming you for the separation, maybe telling them sob stories about his suffering. Just keep being their stable, reliable mum, be as honest with them as is healthy, and you will weather it.

Don't blame yourself for not doing this sooner, or dwell on the ways you could have done it differently. You have done a bold, brave, fantastic thing for you and your girls, and you have a whole lot more happy years to look forward to, together, than the bad ones you've left behind. Be proud.

Darkesteyes · 23/09/2014 22:39

Yes i had a feeling he would contact your parents. Hes trying to further abuse you through them. And hoping that that they collude with him in doing so.

Pathetic twonk

Jux · 23/09/2014 22:51

He's started on the misinformation war straight away then. You need to tell everyone that you have split up due to his unreasonableness and abusive behaviour. Get your side out there. Don't feel embarrassed or worried about it. You will probably be surprised at how many people know exactly what you mean, never liked him or are surprised you put up with it so long. You will find much support out there.

Tell the school. Very important.

Keep no contact. It can be hard - especially as he is using your parents, and you will probably feel the need to justify yourself, and may also feel very angry with him if your parents repeat his lies to you. But maintain your dignity and integrity. Do not contact him!

You're brilliant. Strong. Brave. Thanks. What a fabulous example you are.

thenamehaschanged · 23/09/2014 22:51

Thanks Sandthorn, really good points there Thanks

I know Darkest, My mum thankfully has found his calls today slightly disturbing, especially when talking of how I manage my friendships - he was referring to one particular toxic friend who I eventually cut contact with years ago - and was insinuating that this is what I do, cut contact and run away when the going gets tough and is what I have done to him.

Err no, I have plenty of friends, this one in particular was an arse and so I moved on - you've got nothing on me H so stop scrabbling about for shit!

Haha exactly outflew Thanks

OP posts:
thenamehaschanged · 23/09/2014 22:53

Right will do Jux, thank you Thanks

OP posts:
CurlyWurlyCake · 23/09/2014 23:09

Jut wanted to say hello and well done.

You have been so brave, your thred should be in classics for all to read your very brave journey xx

I wish to be as brave as you one day.

HansieLove · 23/09/2014 23:10

Oh, if only you had done what he said and kept lists and organized things. Yeah, righto!

GarlicSeptimus · 23/09/2014 23:48

But when you did remind him about things, you were controlling Grin

What a silly sausage he is! Totally agree with Jux & co about school (also other activity leaders), telling DC the truth (age-appropriate, but truth) and ensuring friends & family know.

You will get a lot of counter-advice about the children. It's important to remember that they over-estimate their own influence, and easily blame themselves for a parental split. Sugaring the situation with too much "We don't love each other but we both love you" makes the situation incomprehensible from a child's perspective, which leads them to think the pill you're sugaring is that it is their fault. Explaining that daddy bullied you is, by contrast, immediately understandable and chimes with their own observations. You're teaching them, by example, that we don't have to keep bullies in our lives; that's an incredibly valuable lesson. I think you'll find they very quickly feel empowered to ask more questions about why he wasn't around much with the family, why he was so much more cross than a friend's dad, and so on. Here's where you get to expound on mutual respect, teamwork, and all those other lovely things we hope they'll seek in their own lives :)

Sorry, that was a bit of a lecture essay. I need my bed more beer Wink

AdoraBell · 24/09/2014 03:55

Well done, again, and great call getting pizza inGrin

diggerdigsdogs · 24/09/2014 04:15

Well done! I hope you feel as proud f yourself as we do about you.

Koko and stay safe. I second talking to the school (in writing).

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 24/09/2014 04:48

So his not paying the mortgage and blaming you as ever is him being organised is it? What a tosser! He clearly has no friends in the world if he is venting to your Mum!

sus14 · 24/09/2014 06:57

Hi I am lurker and so inspired by you. I just had to post about him ringing your mum. My fw has spoken to my dad about our lack of sex life, about my supposed mental state, he's rung him up in the night and yelled about how awful I am- I ended up calling the police on that one as I couldn't bear it. If all the things he has done- including strangling me- talking to my dad, who I hadn't even involved, was the worst and hurts the most. He's never told his family anything. Well they're going to get a shock soon as I am divorcing him- not quite as stylishly as you- you are absolutely brilliant! Thanks for being an inspiration to everyone else going through this at same time as you!

auntpetunia · 24/09/2014 07:10

Up and at em again and checking in to make sure you've have an ok evening. Definately speak to school safeguarding officer they will be able to make sure any one who needs to know knows not to let girls go with dh. Call In this morning or email the head with all details. This is quite common and attaching a pic of dh for anyone who doesn't know him, and that will be most of the school staff as he was always away working!

This is the hard part. Keep strong no Wine just plenty of Brew

Star8369 · 24/09/2014 07:28

How are you this morning? Was your night ok?

BorisBaby · 24/09/2014 07:35

Just lost my long post gggrrr

You are been so strong and showing your kids first hand that his behavior is not acceptable.

With the school I would go in and tell the head everything. As his on the birth certificate he will be able to take the children out of school I would tell the school to stall him and call you straight away. I also would stay very close to school this week.

SilenceOfTheSAHMs · 24/09/2014 08:18

I love how the papers were served on what was officially the 1st day of Autumn! Out with the old, brown leaves, rest for a bit and then grow new shiny replenished ones :)

I wish you all the luck in the World OP. This man was a millstone around your neck, sapping joy and energy.

Just rise above his desperate casting about for justification of his behaviour and imagine your future. Thanks

Stuffofawesome · 24/09/2014 08:31

Could you tell your mum you do not want to hear what he says to her? It is her choice of she engages with him but don't allow her to offload on you. You dont need his bullshit dragging you down

thenamehaschanged · 24/09/2014 08:48

I woke up to this email this morning. I'm just taking the girls to school but wanted to post this, haven't responded obviously, and then I'll be back and read your posts properly although I did not PE speaking to the school, which I will.

Hi Name

I've been thinking a lot about what's happening - and as a result would dearly, dearly love to talk.

I'm just wondering if we might be able to meet up today?

Before you say no, please know that yesterday I talked with a lawyer, your Mum and my brother. All were very helpful and all suggested talking/communication as vital. They also - all gave me a better perspective on this and some of it i was hoping to share with you (it's not let's get back together stuff - more balanced and informed about how to work this through - whatever the outcome).

I'm going to a client meeting in Waterloo and would be finished at around 10.30 - i thought i could meet you at a coffee shop local to you if ok. Or in the park. Somewhere we can have a grown up conversation about things.

This is very important to me. Please consider.

I love you.

Captain Cockhead

p.s. from a practical point - if i am not allowed back to the house - i'll need to get some clothes and underwear and a toothbrush and my shaver etc,. So perhaps you could pack me a bag?

Hmm
OP posts:
thenamehaschanged · 24/09/2014 08:48

Notice - not Not PE

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 24/09/2014 09:01

OMG - that email is all ME ME ME!!!
It might be important to him but does he even care what's important to you.
KOKO!!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 24/09/2014 09:04

I would find a million things to do before half ten this morning contemplating replying just because he uses the phrase "grown up conversation" as though you're playing at this.

I see he lists your family members as though you have to take note because they are prepared to listen to him so must be on his side!

For all he knows you have your day mapped out.

cheminotte · 24/09/2014 09:08

Don't engage with him Name .. Ignore and do not respond. Unless to say your underwear / toothbrush / clothes will be at your brothers house

springydaffs · 24/09/2014 09:23

God he's like an octopus, endless tentacles, everywhere at once. It feels chaotic to read, no wonder he's woven a scribble into your head. Exhausting. (For some reason I am particularly incensed at his having you scrambling around central London on the tube network with the kids.)

Watch out for him targeting your parents. Mine did the same - and was successful (if only I had MN back in the day..). Do everything you can to lock him - and his tentacles - down. Be fierce, don't think you're being unreasonable or OTT. You have to shut him down to the best of your ability.

I don't think he's going to go easily -but use this time when he's in shock to get as many boundaries in place as possible. You have to be ruthless. Get your ruthless hat on, don't waver, go in for the kill.

(I sound so heartless - I know what I'm saying here. T-shirt and all that. You have to be heartless. If you leave any part of the process exposed he will exploit it big time.)

You're doing marvellously, jolly well done name Flowers

Jux · 24/09/2014 09:25

He's been told to be reasonable in writing then? His lawyer doesn't want anything on paper which will show the client is an abusive twunt. As always don't respond - you're a bit preoccupied atm, so didn't even look at your phone/emails/post until far too late, did you?Grin

Retain your dignity. Do not meet up, obviously. Pack a bag and then tell his brother where it'll be for collection. Is his workplace the sort of building where you could just drop it in there, without him knowing until you're out the door and gone?

Is your shl contacting you today?

How are you feeling? Your adrenalin levels are likely to be crashing around now, so you could find yourself feeling a bit low. Your emotions are going to be all over the place, keep reminding yourself that it is normal and "this too shall pass".