Work Stress? Err don't think so mate!

[thenamehaschanged]

I can't copy and paste a link rather annoyingly - but this is my follow on thread from my original How far can he take the stressed from work excuse?

It burst at the seams with all the fantastic MN support I received and so I have started a new one as I carry on my journey of divorcing my very abusive husband.

Just a thought - set up a completely new email address just for the email contact with the kids - a gmail or something like that.

Cos then you won't be holding your breath every time you open yr normal email. You can choose when to go into the dedicated email address to check, you'll never be ambushed by an email, if you know what i mean.

It will also indicate you mean business. Just in case he ignores the new one at first, you can preemptively set up an automatic redirect from your old account to the new one, so that nothing from his email account ever hits your old Inbox.

Sounding good, but if at any point you feel unsafe, then just get you and the kids out of there, so make sure you've a grab bag with important. docs / meds / fav kids toys etc hidden ready just in case! Stay safe an yaaaaa for you!

Well done Name, I can see that from your last post, planning is a strength of yours . Its good to have a script written and list of things you will do in case he kicks off. By dictating to him the consequences of his actions, you will be in charge, in a take-no-bullshit sort of way, "I mean it". I am so glad that you are feeling empowered to do this.

And btw, 100%, you can do this!!! Show us how its done, babe!

Haha thanks Zazzles! - if H had read that and seen me being described as having planning as a strength I think he would choke on his coffee - he's of the 'name couldn't organise a piss up in a brewery' ilk!

And going round the room at the freedom programme yesterday, hearing that same sort of comment/way of thinking of all the other abusers is quite chilling actually - last week was the first week so it was all new, but yesterday I had my eyes opened even more to how bad it has all been.

Thanks Bland I didn't realise that, I think I'll have a quick chat with the school.

I've done that Anna, thanks - I've set myself up a new hotmail.

So H is hobbling about injured now. He's struggling to walk after twisting his knee at bloody football. I don't have any sympathy although have had to show concern not least because my parents have been fussing round him - when I twisted my ankle doing an exercise DVD a while ago it was because I was a fucking idiot and shouldn't have been doing it, and every wince of pain and hobble I did was met with a rolling of the eyes and 'fuck sake' muttered under his breath (I was doing it because I felt fat, because he has called me fat lots of times - and his solution to my weight worries is to 'just get a gastric band' - I am 5ft 5 and 11 stone by the way, a bit over but nowhere bloody near needing a gastric band - ho hum!)

Anyway, just waiting for the parents to be gone so I can start subtly paving the way!

Thank you lovely ladies for still being here for me

Thanks Adara

I've just ordered a couple of books highly recommended yesterday at the freedom prog by the way

'Power and Control - why charming men can make dangerous lovers' by Susan Horley

And 'Freedoms Flowers' by Pat Craven about the effects of domestic abuse on children

I'm late to this, (just read both threads) but just wanted to wish you luck for the rest of the week and Monday

Thank you Spade, much appreciated

I have just spoken to WA and they have advised me to ask my solicitor for an occupation order. So I've just emailed her, telling her my reasons and she has acknowledged my email and said she'll come straight back to me about it.

WA said that she should have offered that straightaway as it's a domestic abuse situation.

The solicitor should go on the bloody Freedom Programme. Grrr!

If she doesn't play ball remember you always have the NCDV as a fall back position for an emergency.

Thanks - yes I called ncdv and they can't help me because he hasn't threatened violence in the last ten days so she told me to call my local court which I did and she told me to download the forms from the justice.gov.uk website which I'm on there now and can't see it. I'm panicking a little though so need to focus and calmly look through the website.

Yes that's right they're for emergency injunctions - so if you want to serve but your solicitor hasn't sorted the non-molestation order and he kicks off (which is highly likely) you report him to police which will help you get your emergency injunction (as I explained in my first post about NCDV).

Goodness - the hobbling about being injured expecting swathes of sympathy, while when it was you who was injured, you just get eye rolling and blame ! Soooo familiar !!

I am glad WA gave you solid advise re occupation order. Seriously your solicitor should have known that herself. I hope it doesn't delay proceedings. Hang in there. x

Sorry if I wasn't clear that the NCDV injunctions were for emergencies.

No it's ok twink you probably did - I've just been flapping about this morning in a panic and annoyed that my solicitor probably isn't the right choice. Their firm is part of resolution she explained which work to resolve things - I know that is absolutely not the case here and so does she, but it might explain the hesitancy with wanting to bring out the big guns straightaway.

I'm waiting for her to come back to me and will see what she says - if she doesn't think it a good idea then I will tell her that I will file for one directly with the court myself.

good for you name you need all your ducks lined up and ready xxx

"I have decided I am going to start 'paving the way' to him receiving the papers - I know how to handle it - Sunday I'm going to tell him I'm very unhappy and there's nothing he can do to fix the past."

I would advise you in the strongest terms possible not to do this unless it's over the phone and you are absolutely confident that he can't race back and confront you. Because I fear this is precisely how he is going to react. Honestly, this is a risk far too far.

Yes thanks bitter if I get the occupation order then I won't bother at all with any way paving - I will just carry on with the being pleasant and then Wham papers and order in place - happy days. Still haven't heard back yet from solicitor but I can't see why I wouldn't get an OO after looking at the form. I may not have any particular evidence as such but how would you prove threats anyway if they are verbal?

Can you get a couple of big bolts and fix then to inside of doors once he's left on Monday? Give you a bit more security and time to call police / exit out back if he kicks off!

Thanks Adara - I think I will - the front window is a bit dodgy too and doesn't lock properly so I will have a look at making that more secure too.

Again I can't believe this is my life at the moment, it is so surreal, I keep flitting between being a bag of nerves to being excited! Facing my fears is far more preferable than the thought of staying in this for the rest of my life.

Still nothing from the solicitor, but one good thing - my parents are finally moving out on Saturday!

Hi Tim thanks for your support. You are very kind.
Name You will find strength that you did not know you had. Indeed you are finding it. I have done so over the last two weeks. I have always considered myself a tough character. I come from a long line of 'old granny women'. The sort that wash and lay out the dead, feed people bombed out of their houses and paint a smile on no matter what. Recent events made me realise that women have a deep well of amazing abilities to be the adult when others around them are acting like stampy toddlers, crack on when everything looks desperate, get thoroughly organised and shine in the face of adversity. You will feel like one of these women name . I went to pieces at first but have now become an old granny woman in the nursing of my husband. You will look at your girls one evening when all is peace and light in your lives again and you will know that you have achieved this state for yourself and them. They have a marvel for a mother. Women can do anything.

Aww Dinnae!! Thank you that was lovely! You made me feel momentarily proud!

You are an amazing woman, absolutely. How is your DH doing? Is he currently in treatment or is it finished? I hope everything is going ok anyway xx

Just saying hi Name and that i am thinking of you and rooting for you

Thank you Darkest that means a lot.

H has taken the day off today and is in lovely husband mode - well as lovely as he can be which is cracking jokes, talking up future plans for work/house/holidays and trying to get me to wank him off

The solicitor emailed me asking if I can talk at 4pm today but H has made plans to pick up the kids and take them to a pub with a play area. So I have said I can't speak to her, I'll call her Monday morning. I need to know what's happening with the occupation order.

I have to go to the pub too. I am at the last stage now and can't piss him off can I? I can't pave the way as I thought because it could be dangerous. I'm hoping he becomes abusive at the pub. I won't drink.