Work Stress? Err don't think so mate!

[thenamehaschanged]

I can't copy and paste a link rather annoyingly - but this is my follow on thread from my original How far can he take the stressed from work excuse?

It burst at the seams with all the fantastic MN support I received and so I have started a new one as I carry on my journey of divorcing my very abusive husband.

Ok, no more wine! Chocolate?

Do you know the film "The Money Pit"? It's very silly humour and might cheer you up!

I'm not sure chocolate's gonna cover it Wini. I might be a gonner soon. Liqueur chocolate maybe and lots of it?

I don't think I have the attention span for a film either although will look up The Money Pit

It's ok though honestly, I've only had a couple of wines and they did go to my head a bit so I won't have anymore. I'm just out in the garden now with a fag or two awaiting his return.

I think this may very well, finally be, my last weekend.

....in the marriage I mean. Not Alive...I hope! That sounded a bit final haha!

You are doing great Name, but get a stock of chocolate or biscuits in to replace wine for now. You don't want to be playing into his hands and no one is going take him seriously when he exclaims "she eats chocolate" . and

Here's hoping! I love liqueur choca too.

Name do you parents know all about whats going to happen?

You are doing great Name. I second the idea of a big bar of Galaxy.

Just checking in to see how you're doing, and you're doing great how good it may feel to think it's the last weekend you have to put up with him! Stay safe and don't let on to him, need to get you out of their safe and well, then you can have a nice big glass of wine to celebrate, stick to the cake for now! Sleep well

Thanks Darkest. Well not really Robin - I've had the night from hell actually and this time not really anything to do with H.

My mother decided to turn on me. Basically insinuated that I'm a lazy lump that just sits about smoking.

I am really upset. It's definitely brought the tears out. She stormed off to bed because I wasn't in sitting with them, I walked in to hear her shouting at my Dad that he should talk to me. He was then basically saying this isn't me and that I should pull myself together.

Urgh the tears are flowing as I type anyway, H then came home, I hadn't been upset up until that point and was still fine ish until he started doing karaoke on his laptop with the kids. And dd2 was so happy and she came and hugged me while singing and that was it, I haven't stopped crying since. I feel like such a failure.

I don't know myself at the moment, I feel so numbed by the medication and my situation, I don't have any other releases. I have given my parents a home in a time that's very bad for me and they have taken over. She wanted to decorate a) to help me out and b) to keep her mind off her house moving problems and so I let them. I have paid for everything DIY related, I have bought them copious amounts of booze and food and they have just bickered and quarrelled constantly. She takes over the kitchen too although I bought them a takeaway tonight. She is a fucking martyr and has always made me feel that I have never been as good as her.

And so this is why I have been out in the garden, just letting them get the hell on with it.

I'm a worker, I like work, I was off for the summer and have registered now with an agency and am just waiting for the crb check before I can start but I'll be honest I don't really feel like walking into an office as a temp now and taking over someone else's job. I'm struggling enough chatting to people at the kids new school - it isn't like me.

I just want them to go. I just don't do hysterical drunk bitches - and yes I did have a couple of wines with her earlier but only because they've been taking it personally that I've been abstaining. I stopped at 3 but she just carried on and then the explosion comes out of the blue.

Feeling a bit better now typing that all down!

Ooh crossed posts Adara!! Thank you anyway lovely - yes I think I will sleep well tonight!

Actually Robin, yes my mum does know. She knows everything but just chooses to bury her head and not get too involved. Absolutely not one shred of support anyway.

Oh Name im so sorry My mum is like this but without the booze Its a form of emotional abuse. How the fuck can she label you the lazy lump when its your h the one who cant be bothered with the DC to the point that he couldnt even be fucking arsed to come home the weekend that one of them had surgery

Im a bit suspicious about her motives tbh. What she said isnt true Name IT ISNT

Oh Name, I am sorry that your parents are not being supportive of you, and they should be! Please don't seek support from them, they are probably the type to let you down again and again. It sounds to me like you have be parentilised by your parents - it is far more common than you think. If and when you need support, go to people who won't berate and put you down, or come here. We support you and we believe you - that is all you need to know .

Good grief, everyone's trying to trample over you You poor thing, it's no fun at all being surrounded by adults whose egos demand that you play scapegoat.

Luckily, you know damn fine this is all about them and zilch to do with 'You'. You've built up a worthy army; draw validation from them/us as needed.

And feel free to give your mother a dose of Hometruth whenever you feel like it! [permission certificate attached]

Oh, btw, it really is a good idea to stock up on chocolate biscuits when you're cutting back the wine. I was in the Priory years ago - they had piles of biscuits everywhere! Alcohol provides a lot of fast sugar to your system, so you miss that more than the brain-fuzz. Biccies make a useful substitute. Here, have a and

Hi TheName, I read your story and I think, Oh, not just me then. I too have the "TheMotherComponent" (now semi-dealt with), and know of others as well.

Counselling has helped me see that my own family dynamic ensured I colluded with my marriage dynamic - and not in a good way. Garlic is right - their own egos demand you play scapegoat.

I suppose, if it's any consolation, once you start finding your feet in the divorce process (and you are in it now) you learn about your own strength, you own ability to self-determine and start to appreciate and value your finer qualities more. You've had years of knowing that things don't seem right, but possibly have effectively nodded and smiled through them to keep the peace.

Sometimes a little bit of havoc reigning re-sets a few bad habits. You are no longer responsible for keeping everyone happy - just the kids and yourself. If ever there was a time to say 'my turn' and be a bit selfish, demand your needs and wants are acknowledged and met: it is during the hardest moments in your life. Divorce is a very tough, emotional, and scary time. So if people can't offer you the help you need, the support you need, then you put them to one side for a while.

It all gets easier in time (I promise).

Oh name my heart sank reading your post. Don't let them get to you. You know your parents are no use for support at best they hide their head in the sand at worse they enable H to abuse you. I wish I was near Id be round in a flash to give you the support you need. No more ?? if you can ignore your mum and her demands. Or just say why would I when H has reported me to AA do you want me to get my girls taken off me so you'll never see them again? Am assuming they know he reported you for "help" to AA? Stick to cake/ chocolate/jelly babies. Anything that gives you that rush that wine does. But don't lower your defences near your parents or H. You are doing the right thing all this family karaoke is a ploy, it was only august when he buggered off two weekends in a row despite his dd having minor surgery. Keep re reading your posts to remind yourself how truly awful this is. KOKO dear lady not long to go now.

Oops those boxes should have had pics don't know what happened.

Wow Name you really are expected to plough your own furrow aren't you?
Be aware your parents are a degree toxic and try and accept that and it will make it easier for their words and actions to roll off you. You are expected to be immensely strong currently and you must do it for the DD's as well as yourself but I fully understand why you feel so broken at the moment, you are being attacked from all angles apart from the MN angle! Don't let the bastards grind you down! You are on your way to a sunny and peaceful, bright and happy future that only you are forging as you clearly have no help from those closest to you. Once you gain that haven it will be by your hand only (and the SHL) and you should feel rightly proud of that KOKO.

Oh thank you so much my wonderful MN friends

All your words have made me feel a lot better. My mother had hidden her toxicity fairly well up until last night, it was only yesterday I said I felt like I would cry when they left! Well not anymore.

It was my hug from my little girl that set me off last night. I'm definitely in short supplies of hugs haha, not that I'm all that huggy but I did used to enjoy hugs with H before I woke up and realised he was abusing me.

Anyway, H has taken the girls out to a roller disco and I'm upstairs in bed, eyes like red golfballs (I woke up at 5.30 and the snivelling started again) avoiding my parents who should hopefully be going out soon.

This morning H has been rubbing my legs, affectionately spooning me, playing me funny YouTube videos, worrying what's wrong - to which he's been told pmt - and why am I not up for the dog idea. I'm just deflecting everything now, it's awful. 'Why won't you open up to me?' he asked.....um, because you are the world's most unreasonable bastard? Because if I say I'm unhappy in my marriage and I want out, you will hit the fucking roof and Christ knows what will happen?

Thank you so much for all your support though - I'm seriously considering cutting contact with my parents or at least speaking very little with them - they can see the girls but I won't be hanging around with them, I could run a whole thread on my toxic mother alone - she can be such a horrible bitch.

I remember you saying about your mum before darkest, similar but without the booze! Didn't realise you had the same wwk!

Yes! They've just gone out!

Thank you Dinnae hope all ok your end?

Like your latest name Garlic!

Yes I like your names too Garlic, plus on your advice re eating more sweet things - I've just had one of the kids cadburys mini rolls for breakfast haha.

I will get myself some haribos and Galaxy I think today!

I'd love to give my mum some home truths Garlic, she deserves them but she is as unhinged as H - she would have a hysterical breakdown and will jeopardise me in front of H. She is that bad. :( I think I will pull myself together, have a shower, put some makeup on and go and do some shopping for the day.

Have a lovely day everyone

Not one for now but just for you to consider - if you are going to cut down on contact from toxic parents- please consider the same for your girls. If they are too toxic for you as an adult why would they be ok to handle for children? As the girls grow your parents attitude may be the same towards them as to you, and you want to break the cycle not perpetuate it.